Thursday, October 11, 2007

Being Bobby Brown

Wednesday morning doctors diagnosed Bobby Brown with having had a mild heart attack.

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"Jigga WHAT?!" you say. That's right y'all, the King of R&B himself was laid up in the hospital Tuesday night after complaints of severe chest pains.

Doctors attribute the heart attack to "stress" --and we all know what the fuck that means, although in Bobby Brown's case I think it may be valid. He ain't had a hit, as in a record, in a whole lot of years and he just recently lost his meal ticket-- and diet.

Looks like all those catfish dinners at Roni's Fish Bucket with Whitney finally caught up with him. At least now he has a reason to be unemployed. If only he let himself go years ago.

Get well soon, Bobby!

Friday, September 28, 2007

She brings it all on herself

For those of you with a soul, reading this blog must be tough sometimes as we are quite relentless in our hassling of celebrities. I often find myself wondering how feeling bad for them must feel. But even those of you with the kindest of hearts have to admit that there are some celebrities out there who clearly are gluttons for punishment and ridicule. Britney Spears obviously comes to mind. Let's just go ahead and add Rumer Willis to that list:

For real, bitch?! You seriously just dyed your hair blonde??? The chin wasn't doing enough damage on its own? You decided to surround it with a bleached fro???? I just don't get it...especially since she was looking pretty good at some Emmy party recently:

The light at the end of the tragic tunnel that is your life was shining brightly, and you just sat under it and let it fry your hair. You must WANT me to make fun of you, right Rumer? I mean...there really is no other explanation for what you have done.

Go to the Source. Seriously, there are more pictures of this disasterpiece. My favorite one though is the first thumbnail. The small version of the picture above makes her look like that eyebrow baby from the Simpsons:

Enjoy your weekend!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Crude Oil - $80/barrel. Zach Morris Face Oil - Priceless

Normally I hate when blogs post pictures of their favorite 80s/90s stars and are all "OMG what HAPPENED??!!! He was totally my fav! Omigosh u guys! Remember that episode where Jessie was on SPEED??" as if NO ONE else in the world has ever seen that episode, or any other episode of Saved by the Bell and the truly epic LULZ ensue. But when someone looks as tragic as Zach Morris does these days, I feel like it is my civic duty to bring this to your attention. It looks like Marc-Paul has dyed his hair some strange shade of auburn, which has really brought the redness out in his face, likening his skintone to that of a baboon's ass. He looks like a baboon's ass covered in Vaseline with a perm. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he looks pretty good. Keep learnin while you burn, Zach Attack.


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Best "Come and Get It" of 2K7

After a rousing boxing match, once I've fully dicked around long enough, there's nothing I enjoy more than strapping on a fishnet body suit, layer a black speedo over a pink one, and just bust out my best come and get it pose while maxin & relaxin by my hotel spa-tub. There are, however, a couple other things that boxing champ Oscar De La Hoya does just as good, if not better, than his "come and get it":

(and a few more here)

I'd like to take this opportunity to do something I don't do nearly enough. I'd like to give a great big THANK YOU to all the gays of the world. I love you all, for the many, many great things that you do. But right now, I love you most of all for not only getting closeted celebrities to dress in such a get up, but to fucking take pictures of it and post it on the interwebs. Gays, is there anything you CAN'T do? Other than get married? Zing. Just kidding gays. Y'all are the tops.

p.s. Top Model starts tonight, bitches.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


As I am young(ish) and therefore impressionable, I am usually quick to follow the lead of my favorite celebrities.

When Ashton Kutcher started gallivanting round Hollywood looking like an asshole with his shaggy hair and trucker cap, I hopped on that train.
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LindseyMischaNicoleKeiraMaryKate decided that it was hip to be all hip bones and impossibly thin and I stopped eating for weeks. I lost a few teeth in the process, but I have never felt more popular.
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This year I even spent a lil time in the pokey and did 63 hour stint in rehab due to exhaustion caused by a raging case of alchoholism. Amy Winehouse, Isaiah Washington, Kramer, Mel Gibson, Miss USA, Linds, Brit, you all know what I'm talking about, right?

This newest trend however, is not one I can fully get behind. Maybe it's because I'm a little old fashioned, or maybe just cause I think there are enough bastards in the world, but making illegitimate babies is all the rage in 2007.

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Halle is knocked up by some model.

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Borat's bitch is pregnant!

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Everybody knows what this ho has been up to.

Ladies, I hope your baby daddies will continue to look at you the same way and not like the tainted fruit that you are. Kids, you won't feel like mistakes forever. Trust me.

Did I forget anyone? That's what the comments are for.

Baby Mamas, this one is for you.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Vincent Gallo has a real wang, can cause cancer


Holy crap. It's been a while, eh? Let me wiggle my buns back into the throne of gossip. Hmmm - feels a bit strange, perhaps my balls have grown since we last talked? Hey! Speaking of balls - if you saw the movie Brown Bunny, first - I'm sorry. And second, you may or may not have seen Vincent Gallo's real live wang! Apparently him and some dude are in a heated e-mail battle over the authenticity of said wang that Girl #2's favorite celebrity Chloe Sevigny gave suckle to. Page Six reports on this breaking story:

Gallo ranted in an e-mail: " 'The Brown Bunny' is an ultra-low-budget film. With that in mind, the expense to create a prosthetic that could pass on film would be well out of the film's budget, and so far no one has come close to making such a thing pass as real...Why then does Scheck promote doubt about the scene's authentic nature? I speculate it's because Mr. Scheck most likely has a very small, ugly penis and needs to believe that only in make-believe does anyone have one like mine!"

Oh man! I haven't heard wang insults like this since I peeped into the high school boys locker room. Yesterday. But the fun doesn't stop there. Page Six chose to end this story with this gem:

Gallo is well known for his off-the-wall insults. He once called critic Roger Ebert a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader" and wished cancer on him for a bad review. Ebert eventually did come down with the disease.

That's right folks, if Gallo wishes pain & suffering upon you - you better be prepared to face the impending consequences. So, Roger Ebert, maybe you'll think twice next time before giving Gallo a bad review. That is, unless you die of the cancer that he caused before you can review his next wonderful masterpiece work of cinematic genius. I can't believe I've been mistaken all these years! I always thought that Gallo's disease inflicting powers were limited to just looking at him and catching the HIV. Glad I read Page Six today and was corrected.

Man...that felt kinda good! Maybe we'll continue to post every now and again. Thanks for remaining so true to us, loyal readers. Like Girl #2 said - don't call it a comeback. We still probably won't be posting at the same frequency as we used to - but maybe we'll make a moderate effort going forward. One thing I can assure you is...this shit's far from over.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Its Called a H-I-A-T-U-S.

Afternoon loyal readers. Many of you have wondered what has happened to this blog. When you spend months researching the ins and outs of the lives of all of our beloved celebrities, you tend to start thinking like them. Thus, you have experienced what many of you do all the time with some of your favorite or least favorite celebrities: A HIATUS. Sometimes you need it to rejuvenate the soul, or maybe spend some time in rehab. Or as many of the celebrities we talk about on this very blog, sometimes you just need time to soak in the fact that you suck and maybe shouldn't come back at all.

Don't call it a comeback. Just call it a little refresher on what you may have missed since we here at TGG went on hiatus. Afterall, we don't want to end up in rehab, shaving our heads and reminscing about the days when daddy used to love us but obviously turned us into whores (ahem Lindsay Lohan).

Also coming back from her long hiatus aka going completely insane was our beloved Britney Spears. Ah, yes, she certainly pleased us all at the VMAs, no?
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How wonderful was it to see her sluggish, out of shape body prove once again to everyone that she is a talentless has-been never shoulda been in the first place piece of trash? Despite my absolute hatred for Britney, I personally wanted to jump into the television and make her move a little faster than a snail's pace because she even made me feel bad for her worthless career!
But not too bad to stop me from posting this awful picture which I think sums up her terrible "comeback" performance and essentially her pathetic life.
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Keep truckin' Brit! But to all the readers, for the love of God, please DO NOT buy her new CD or say you like it.

Britney was also causing a stir with another big timer in the music biz. Yes, he has the #1 single right now but he is also the #1 whiny ass crybaby of all time. Kanye West. And boy did he have some words for MTV! How dare they shun him from winning any awards. As usual, West played the race card, and bitched and moaned at MTV's choice to have Blubber Britney open the award show.
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He was seen on national television spouting: "MTV hates Black People." Which caused a rush of people to go out and buy his CD so he can defeat 50 Cent in their gangsta CD war. Good luck Kanye, you'll certainly win the most annoying between the two. When MTV tried to make amends, Kanye flipped them the bird. Some dead crow he found on stage after Britney performed. Oh that Kanye, you can't tell him nothin'! RIIIGHT?

Also happening while we were away, the View announced its new permanent host! Forgetting what happened the last time they let a big fat black lady be a host (Starr Jones), the View chose this lady:
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I couldn't tell you what her name was but I'm sure the cost of breakfast on the view will certainly escalate. Why didn't they just ask Monique?

For the sci-fi readers you will be interested to know that while we were on hiatus America was attacked by one of the most lethal aliens in the history of alien attacks!
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We're told it is less harmless if you waive around a fried chicken leg and pretend to take FIERCE photos of it. Beware though either way if you ask me.

Our hiatus was not long enough for Chloe Sevigny to stop being ugly, mannish or hideously fashion illiterate. She is always someone that makes me wonder, if you puke, but no one is there to hear it or see it, are you really puking or is that person just the ugliest bitch in Hollywood?
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But some things that don't change aren't so bad. Without her brutal looks, I'd have less to blog about.

And lastly we must report some sad news. While we were away one of the greatest singers of our grandparents generation died.
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Mr. Pavarotti of the 3 Tenors succumbed to his layers of lard that hindered the flow of blood through his arteries to his heart and just like that, he was gone. I actually think he died of some other reason, but lets face it, that had to have something to do with it. It appears we have heard the last operatic howl from the fat man in the tuxedo and yes, while he isn't a super celebrity among blogs, is worth mentioning. The other tenors have worked vigorously through this difficult time to find a replacement. Sources say they are leading towards a female addition.
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At least this way they do not need to pay for a new wardrobe. That lady is going to be famous!

Well, dear friends, I sure hope this has brought you up to speed. We certainly couldn't cover everything we missed and not sure if our stance from hiatus is a clear return, but hopefully as we begin to feel more comfortable to our return to the spotlight, we will please you all again.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


I have never liked Kanye West. EVER! I have to admit that Kanye is good at what he does. It cannot be easy to find a way to convince throngs of white kids who don't know better fans, that bastardizing sampling already good music and throwing a beat and some bullshit lyrics on it equals talent/innovation/that you are not just P.Diddy in disguise, but this I will not stand for.

“We push each other,” says West. “I look at me and Justin [Timberlake] like Prince and Michael Jackson in their day.

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In a recent interview in XXL Magazine, Kanye proves yet again, why he is the biggest ass in the game.

“I feel like my lyrics are, if not THE, then equal to, the realest lyrics out,” he says. “I connected with so many people without talkin’ about guns and drugs. … It’s harder to go to work 365 days than shoot a person in one day.”

Got family in the D, Kin-folk from Motown
Back in the Chi - them folks ain't from Motown
Life movin' too fast I need to slow down
Girl ain't give me ass, ya need to go down

Well, I guess he ain't talking about killing nobody.

I actually hope that Kanye does sell more records than 50 Cent. I wouldn't mind never having to hear another word from that ass ugly, lisping, jack ass. Then once he's done that, I hope that Kanye says something else stupid, finally putting his foot in his mouth enough times to break his jaw. Again. But this time hopefully never to be heard from again.

Don't ever compare yourself to the Purple One, Kanye, or may God send a powerful, sexy, purple rain to smite you and your family. I hate you.

Friday, August 17, 2007

WTF Files: D'Angelo

Jesus FUCKING Christ! What the hell happened to D'Angelo?

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Remember when he looked like the kind of guy you would let put his penis anywhere near you?

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Usher, beware! This is what happens when you go too long without a hit record.

It all makes sense. Depressing, Horrific Sense.

OH HAI!!! What's been going on in the interwebs these days? I've been so busy! Are those I Can Has Cheezburger things still bringing the LOL's? I sure do hope so! Look what else I found!

HA! It's funny because it goes "dun...dun...DUNNNN!" and then the...ha...the chip...he turns...around! HA! Truly epic LULZ! Send that one around to your friends with the headline "OMG I JUST FOUND THIS!" I think they'll appreciate it.

Anyhoo - I'm sure you've been dying to hear what I have to say about teh gossips. Well, taint much going on m'friends. There's this new "couple":

So if you weren't sure if you should believe what I said about him being a giant, raging douchebag - I'm pretty sure that the case is beyond reasonable doubt at this point. Yes, these two wastes of life should be pretty happy together. Because their happiness is measured by such things as: making fun of poor people, looking at themselves in the mirror, making fun of minorities, and sticking their privates in any hole/on any pole. Good luck you two, you won't need it.

And in further depressing/horrific/I don't think I can do this anymore news, look at this:

Someone please, save that child. She's paralyzed by fear and pretty soon Paris is going to confuse her for walking/talking penis and try to wrap her vagina around her. That is tragic and sick. Help that mini-fire crotch!

And finally...did you hear that Amy Winehouse is going to rehab?

There she goes, guys! She's THONG her way to rehab! HA! No wait...I got a better one. They tried to make her go to rehab and she said OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME! Oh man! That's almost as good as the dramatic chipmunk above. And with that (OR with this if you've been missing our NSFW action. Unfortunately, it's not a wang, or probably anything you'd want to see), I'm out. Till next time!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Foxy Brown's Blackberry Message.

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Even though the crazy bitch is deaf (although i'm wondering if she just moved her hair away from her ears if that would help), Foxy Brown really likes all the features she gets from her Blackberry phone, especially the one labeled "WEAPON". The crazy Roc-a-Fella diva was recently reported to have struck someone repeatedly using her Blackberry phone. Now when you call Foxy Brown and get her voicemail this is what you hear:

"What up bitches and playas, its Foxy Brown. I can't be answering my phone at this time as it is currently being used to beat the living shit out of yet another person, maybe even your shawty. YEAH THATS RIGHT THATS HOW WE DO! If you're lookin' for L'il Kim then you have me mistaken for the wrong slut, but you can still lick my clit. HOLLA!"


Where did it all go wrong for Mel? I think a time line might help.

October, 2006 - Melanie Brown and Eddie Murphy, (who is rumored to be a raging queen) are confirmed as dating and having a baby.

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"We're in love and get on really well. All the children have met and get on too - it's like a great big happy family. I can't wait to spend Christmas with him and I can't wait to have this baby." -Mel B.

December, 2006 - Eddie tells Scary and unborn baby to kick rocks.

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"I don't know whose child that is until it comes out and has a blood test." -Eddie Murphy

February, 2007 - Melanie begins dating long time friend and music producer, Stephen Belafonte.

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April, 2007 - After several months of looking
busted, bastard child born and unfortunately named Angel Iris Murphy Brown.

June, 2007 - Court-ordered paternity test confirms Eddie Murphy as being the father of lil' Angel Brown.

June, 2007 - Melanie Brown and Stephen Belafonte quietly wed in Las Vegas.

June, 2007 to present - Mel B. suffers countless ass beatings from her new hubby.
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* Girl, don't you know not to raise your voice or your hand to nigga you KNOW will hit your ass?*

Mel B's new husband Stephen Belafonte battered an ex-lover during a drink-fuelled frenzy that court papers described as "malicious and unlawful".

The 'roids this guy has coursing through his veins must have shrunk his brain along with his balls, as he claims the aforementioned beating "Happened crazily, one drunk, retarded night." because he was "confused and stressed."

First, Mel hooks up with Eddie Murphy and after a couple months wants to be with him forever but Eddie ain't feelin it, and pulls some cloak and dagger, now you see me now you don't shit. (you know gays don't like commitment) Now,
Scary has gotten herself into a whole new mess of problems by marrying this fool. Saying that she has daddy issues is pretty much the equivalent of pulling the race card, but I think that it certainly applies here.

I don't think your girl power is gonna get you out of this one, but good luck Mel!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Shiloh is wasted

Someone needs to tell little Queen Shiloh to lay off the sauce. I know living with three adopted/less important children is hard to cope with, but don't drink your pain away little one. You will rule us all someday! Meanwhile, Zahara takes this opportunity to claim her rightful place in the spotlight:

That's right, girl! Ham it up while that white baby is drunk! You have claimed the right to be called "second most important next to Shiloh" - a title that Maddox once held. And that boy is none to pleased with his placement at the bottom of the Jolie-Pitt ranks:

Back of the line, Maddox! Someone better give that boy some attention and quick. He's got a rage about him that I am not to eager to see in full effect. And then there's that other asian baby...Hmmmm - nothing really interesting to say about him. He's boring and should be traded for an Indian or a Samoan.

More pics of the Royal Family here (they're in Chicago, bitches!).

Friday, August 10, 2007


Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal is boning. There have been rumors of the two ducking and diving out of motels and having secret lunches and shit.

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She made me laugh in Freeway, he made me bone up in Brokeback Mountain . I truly hope that they are having some bomb ass sex. From the looks of their matching shit- eating grins, it looks like they are.

*here's to you Withergyllen*

Hmmm...crab cakes

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Are we surprised to see Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston on the town after the divorce? Nope. As we all know, a family that breaks rocks together, stays together. Are we shocked to see them both looking red eyed and shiny? Hell to the NO! You know they was just hittin' the pipe a hot second ago. The only thing new, and in my opinion, funny about this is the fact that they dine at Joe's Crab Shack.

I guess when you spend 730,000 on drugs (Allegedly. We ain't found them receipts yet) sometimes the Shrimp Shack is the best you can do. Look for Whitney and Bobby at an IHOP near you!