Two Girls and a Gay

Being Bobby Brown

2007-10-11T12:24:00.000-05:00

Wednesday morning doctors diagnosed Bobby Brown with having had a mild heart attack.

"Jigga WHAT?!" you say. That's right y'all, the King of R&B himself was laid up in the hospital Tuesday night after complaints of severe chest pains.

Doctors attribute the heart attack to "stress" --and we all know what the fuck that means, although in Bobby Brown's case I think it may be valid. He ain't had a hit, as in a record, in a whole lot of years and he just recently lost his meal ticket-- and diet.

Looks like all those catfish dinners at Roni's Fish Bucket with Whitney finally caught up with him. At least now he has a reason to be unemployed. If only he let himself go years ago.

Get well soon, Bobby!

She brings it all on herself

2007-09-28T10:01:00.000-05:00

For those of you with a soul, reading this blog must be tough sometimes as we are quite relentless in our hassling of celebrities. I often find myself wondering how feeling bad for them must feel. But even those of you with the kindest of hearts have to admit that there are some celebrities out there who clearly are gluttons for punishment and ridicule. Britney Spears obviously comes to mind. Let's just go ahead and add Rumer Willis to that list:

For real, bitch?! You seriously just dyed your hair blonde??? The chin wasn't doing enough damage on its own? You decided to surround it with a bleached fro???? I just don't get it...especially since she was looking pretty good at some Emmy party recently:

The light at the end of the tragic tunnel that is your life was shining brightly, and you just sat under it and let it fry your hair. You must WANT me to make fun of you, right Rumer? I mean...there really is no other explanation for what you have done.

Go to the Source. Seriously, there are more pictures of this disasterpiece. My favorite one though is the first thumbnail. The small version of the picture above makes her look like that eyebrow baby from the Simpsons:

Enjoy your weekend!

Crude Oil - $80/barrel. Zach Morris Face Oil - Priceless

2007-09-27T11:15:00.000-05:00

Normally I hate when blogs post pictures of their favorite 80s/90s stars and are all "OMG what HAPPENED??!!! He was totally my fav! Omigosh u guys! Remember that episode where Jessie was on SPEED??" as if NO ONE else in the world has ever seen that episode, or any other episode of Saved by the Bell and the truly epic LULZ ensue. But when someone looks as tragic as Zach Morris does these days, I feel like it is my civic duty to bring this to your attention. It looks like Marc-Paul has dyed his hair some strange shade of auburn, which has really brought the redness out in his face, likening his skintone to that of a baboon's ass. He looks like a baboon's ass covered in Vaseline with a perm. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he looks pretty good. Keep learnin while you burn, Zach Attack.

Source

Best "Come and Get It" of 2K7

2007-09-19T15:07:00.000-05:00

After a rousing boxing match, once I've fully dicked around long enough, there's nothing I enjoy more than strapping on a fishnet body suit, layer a black speedo over a pink one, and just bust out my best come and get it pose while maxin & relaxin by my hotel spa-tub. There are, however, a couple other things that boxing champ Oscar De La Hoya does just as good, if not better, than his "come and get it":

(and a few more here)

I'd like to take this opportunity to do something I don't do nearly enough. I'd like to give a great big THANK YOU to all the gays of the world. I love you all, for the many, many great things that you do. But right now, I love you most of all for not only getting closeted celebrities to dress in such a get up, but to fucking take pictures of it and post it on the interwebs. Gays, is there anything you CAN'T do? Other than get married? Zing. Just kidding gays. Y'all are the tops.

p.s. Top Model starts tonight, bitches.

TREND ALERT WITH TGG!

2007-09-18T08:00:00.000-05:00

As I am young(ish) and therefore impressionable, I am usually quick to follow the lead of my favorite celebrities.

When Ashton Kutcher started gallivanting round Hollywood looking like an asshole with his shaggy hair and trucker cap, I hopped on that train.

LindseyMischaNicoleKeiraMaryKate decided that it was hip to be all hip bones and impossibly thin and I stopped eating for weeks. I lost a few teeth in the process, but I have never felt more popular.

This year I even spent a lil time in the pokey and did 63 hour stint in rehab due to exhaustion caused by a raging case of alchoholism. Amy Winehouse, Isaiah Washington, Kramer, Mel Gibson, Miss USA, Linds, Brit, you all know what I'm talking about, right?

This newest trend however, is not one I can fully get behind. Maybe it's because I'm a little old fashioned, or maybe just cause I think there are enough bastards in the world, but making illegitimate babies is all the rage in 2007.

Halle is knocked up by some model.

Borat's bitch is pregnant!

Everybody knows what this ho has been up to.

Ladies, I hope your baby daddies will continue to look at you the same way and not like the tainted fruit that you are. Kids, you won't feel like mistakes forever. Trust me.

Did I forget anyone? That's what the comments are for.

Baby Mamas, this one is for you.

Vincent Gallo has a real wang, can cause cancer

2007-09-14T07:44:00.000-05:00

STR-ETCH!

Holy crap. It's been a while, eh? Let me wiggle my buns back into the throne of gossip. Hmmm - feels a bit strange, perhaps my balls have grown since we last talked? Hey! Speaking of balls - if you saw the movie Brown Bunny, first - I'm sorry. And second, you may or may not have seen Vincent Gallo's real live wang! Apparently him and some dude are in a heated e-mail battle over the authenticity of said wang that Girl #2's favorite celebrity Chloe Sevigny gave suckle to. Page Six reports on this breaking story:

Gallo ranted in an e-mail: " 'The Brown Bunny' is an ultra-low-budget film. With that in mind, the expense to create a prosthetic that could pass on film would be well out of the film's budget, and so far no one has come close to making such a thing pass as real...Why then does Scheck promote doubt about the scene's authentic nature? I speculate it's because Mr. Scheck most likely has a very small, ugly penis and needs to believe that only in make-believe does anyone have one like mine!"

Oh man! I haven't heard wang insults like this since I peeped into the high school boys locker room. Yesterday. But the fun doesn't stop there. Page Six chose to end this story with this gem:

Gallo is well known for his off-the-wall insults. He once called critic Roger Ebert a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader" and wished cancer on him for a bad review. Ebert eventually did come down with the disease.

That's right folks, if Gallo wishes pain & suffering upon you - you better be prepared to face the impending consequences. So, Roger Ebert, maybe you'll think twice next time before giving Gallo a bad review. That is, unless you die of the cancer that he caused before you can review his next wonderful masterpiece work of cinematic genius. I can't believe I've been mistaken all these years! I always thought that Gallo's disease inflicting powers were limited to just looking at him and catching the HIV. Glad I read Page Six today and was corrected.

Man...that felt kinda good! Maybe we'll continue to post every now and again. Thanks for remaining so true to us, loyal readers. Like Girl #2 said - don't call it a comeback. We still probably won't be posting at the same frequency as we used to - but maybe we'll make a moderate effort going forward. One thing I can assure you is...this shit's far from over.

Its Called a H-I-A-T-U-S.

2007-09-11T11:46:00.000-05:00

Afternoon loyal readers. Many of you have wondered what has happened to this blog. When you spend months researching the ins and outs of the lives of all of our beloved celebrities, you tend to start thinking like them. Thus, you have experienced what many of you do all the time with some of your favorite or least favorite celebrities: A HIATUS. Sometimes you need it to rejuvenate the soul, or maybe spend some time in rehab. Or as many of the celebrities we talk about on this very blog, sometimes you just need time to soak in the fact that you suck and maybe shouldn't come back at all.

Don't call it a comeback. Just call it a little refresher on what you may have missed since we here at TGG went on hiatus. Afterall, we don't want to end up in rehab, shaving our heads and reminscing about the days when daddy used to love us but obviously turned us into whores (ahem Lindsay Lohan).

Also coming back from her long hiatus aka going completely insane was our beloved Britney Spears. Ah, yes, she certainly pleased us all at the VMAs, no?

How wonderful was it to see her sluggish, out of shape body prove once again to everyone that she is a talentless has-been never shoulda been in the first place piece of trash? Despite my absolute hatred for Britney, I personally wanted to jump into the television and make her move a little faster than a snail's pace because she even made me feel bad for her worthless career!
But not too bad to stop me from posting this awful picture which I think sums up her terrible "comeback" performance and essentially her pathetic life.

Keep truckin' Brit! But to all the readers, for the love of God, please DO NOT buy her new CD or say you like it.

Britney was also causing a stir with another big timer in the music biz. Yes, he has the #1 single right now but he is also the #1 whiny ass crybaby of all time. Kanye West. And boy did he have some words for MTV! How dare they shun him from winning any awards. As usual, West played the race card, and bitched and moaned at MTV's choice to have Blubber Britney open the award show.

He was seen on national television spouting: "MTV hates Black People." Which caused a rush of people to go out and buy his CD so he can defeat 50 Cent in their gangsta CD war. Good luck Kanye, you'll certainly win the most annoying between the two. When MTV tried to make amends, Kanye flipped them the bird. Some dead crow he found on stage after Britney performed. Oh that Kanye, you can't tell him nothin'! RIIIGHT?

Also happening while we were away, the View announced its new permanent host! Forgetting what happened the last time they let a big fat black lady be a host (Starr Jones), the View chose this lady:

I couldn't tell you what her name was but I'm sure the cost of breakfast on the view will certainly escalate. Why didn't they just ask Monique?

For the sci-fi readers you will be interested to know that while we were on hiatus America was attacked by one of the most lethal aliens in the history of alien attacks!

We're told it is less harmless if you waive around a fried chicken leg and pretend to take FIERCE photos of it. Beware though either way if you ask me.

Our hiatus was not long enough for Chloe Sevigny to stop being ugly, mannish or hideously fashion illiterate. She is always someone that makes me wonder, if you puke, but no one is there to hear it or see it, are you really puking or is that person just the ugliest bitch in Hollywood?

But some things that don't change aren't so bad. Without her brutal looks, I'd have less to blog about.

And lastly we must report some sad news. While we were away one of the greatest singers of our grandparents generation died.

Mr. Pavarotti of the 3 Tenors succumbed to his layers of lard that hindered the flow of blood through his arteries to his heart and just like that, he was gone. I actually think he died of some other reason, but lets face it, that had to have something to do with it. It appears we have heard the last operatic howl from the fat man in the tuxedo and yes, while he isn't a super celebrity among blogs, is worth mentioning. The other tenors have worked vigorously through this difficult time to find a replacement. Sources say they are leading towards a female addition.

At least this way they do not need to pay for a new wardrobe. That lady is going to be famous!

Well, dear friends, I sure hope this has brought you up to speed. We certainly couldn't cover everything we missed and not sure if our stance from hiatus is a clear return, but hopefully as we begin to feel more comfortable to our return to the spotlight, we will please you all again.

OH. HELL. NO!

2007-08-22T15:37:00.001-05:00

I have never liked Kanye West. EVER! I have to admit that Kanye is good at what he does. It cannot be easy to find a way to convince ~~throngs of white kids who don't know better~~ fans, that ~~bastardizing~~ sampling already good music and throwing a beat and some bullshit lyrics on it equals talent/innovation/that you are not just P.Diddy in disguise, but this I will not stand for.

“We push each other,” says West. “I look at me and Justin [Timberlake] like Prince and Michael Jackson in their day.”

In a recent interview in XXL Magazine, Kanye proves yet again, why he is the biggest ass in the game.

“I feel like my lyrics are, if not THE, then equal to, the realest lyrics out,” he says. “I connected with so many people without talkin’ about guns and drugs. … It’s harder to go to work 365 days than shoot a person in one day.”

Got family in the D, Kin-folk from Motown
Back in the Chi - them folks ain't from Motown
Life movin' too fast I need to slow down
Girl ain't give me ass, ya need to go down

Well, I guess he ain't talking about killing nobody.

I actually hope that Kanye does sell more records than 50 Cent. I wouldn't mind never having to hear another word from that ass ugly, lisping, jack ass. Then once he's done that, I hope that Kanye says something else stupid, finally putting his foot in his mouth enough times to break his jaw. Again. But this time hopefully never to be heard from again.

Don't ever compare yourself to the Purple One, Kanye, or may God send a powerful, sexy, purple rain to smite you and your family. I hate you.

WTF Files: D'Angelo

2007-08-17T12:02:00.000-05:00

Jesus FUCKING Christ! What the hell happened to D'Angelo?

Remember when he looked like the kind of guy you would let put his penis anywhere near you?

Usher, beware! This is what happens when you go too long without a hit record.

It all makes sense. Depressing, Horrific Sense.

2007-08-17T12:01:00.000-05:00

OH HAI!!! What's been going on in the interwebs these days? I've been so busy! Are those I Can Has Cheezburger things still bringing the LOL's? I sure do hope so! Look what else I found!

HA! It's funny because it goes "dun...dun...DUNNNN!" and then the...ha...the chip...he turns...around! HA! Truly epic LULZ! Send that one around to your friends with the headline "OMG I JUST FOUND THIS!" I think they'll appreciate it.

Anyhoo - I'm sure you've been dying to hear what I have to say about teh gossips. Well, taint much going on m'friends. There's this new "couple":

So if you weren't sure if you should believe what I said about him being a giant, raging douchebag - I'm pretty sure that the case is beyond reasonable doubt at this point. Yes, these two wastes of life should be pretty happy together. Because their happiness is measured by such things as: making fun of poor people, looking at themselves in the mirror, making fun of minorities, and sticking their privates in any hole/on any pole. Good luck you two, you won't need it.

And in further depressing/horrific/I don't think I can do this anymore news, look at this:

Someone please, save that child. She's paralyzed by fear and pretty soon Paris is going to confuse her for walking/talking penis and try to wrap her vagina around her. That is tragic and sick. Help that mini-fire crotch!

And finally...did you hear that Amy Winehouse is going to rehab?

There she goes, guys! She's THONG her way to rehab! HA! No wait...I got a better one. They tried to make her go to rehab and she said OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME! Oh man! That's almost as good as the dramatic chipmunk above. And with that (OR with this if you've been missing our NSFW action. Unfortunately, it's not a wang, or probably anything you'd want to see), I'm out. Till next time!

Foxy Brown's Blackberry Message.

2007-08-15T15:15:00.000-05:00

Even though the crazy bitch is deaf (although i'm wondering if she just moved her hair away from her ears if that would help), Foxy Brown really likes all the features she gets from her Blackberry phone, especially the one labeled "WEAPON". The crazy Roc-a-Fella diva was recently reported to have struck someone repeatedly using her Blackberry phone. Now when you call Foxy Brown and get her voicemail this is what you hear:

"What up bitches and playas, its Foxy Brown. I can't be answering my phone at this time as it is currently being used to beat the living shit out of yet another person, maybe even your shawty. YEAH THATS RIGHT THATS HOW WE DO! If you're lookin' for L'il Kim then you have me mistaken for the wrong slut, but you can still lick my clit. HOLLA!"

SPICE UP YOUR LIFE

2007-08-15T13:27:00.000-05:00

Where did it all go wrong for Mel? I think a time line might help.

October, 2006 - Melanie Brown and Eddie Murphy, (who is rumored to be a raging queen) are confirmed as dating and having a baby.

"We're in love and get on really well. All the children have met and get on too - it's like a great big happy family. I can't wait to spend Christmas with him and I can't wait to have this baby." -Mel B.

December, 2006 - Eddie tells Scary and unborn baby to kick rocks.

"I don't know whose child that is until it comes out and has a blood test." -Eddie Murphy

February, 2007 - Melanie begins dating long time friend and music producer, Stephen Belafonte.

April, 2007 - After several months of looking busted, bastard child born and unfortunately named Angel Iris Murphy Brown.

June, 2007 - Court-ordered paternity test confirms Eddie Murphy as being the father of lil' Angel Brown.

June, 2007 - Melanie Brown and Stephen Belafonte quietly wed in Las Vegas.

June, 2007 to present - Mel B. suffers countless ass beatings from her new hubby.

* Girl, don't you know not to raise your voice or your hand to nigga you KNOW will hit your ass?*

Mel B's new husband Stephen Belafonte battered an ex-lover during a drink-fuelled frenzy that court papers described as "malicious and unlawful". -Mirror.co.uk

The 'roids this guy has coursing through his veins must have shrunk his brain along with his balls, as he claims the aforementioned beating "Happened crazily, one drunk, retarded night." because he was "confused and stressed."

First, Mel hooks up with Eddie Murphy and after a couple months wants to be with him forever but Eddie ain't feelin it, and pulls some cloak and dagger, now you see me now you don't shit. (you know gays don't like commitment) Now, Scary has gotten herself into a whole new mess of problems by marrying this fool. Saying that she has daddy issues is pretty much the equivalent of pulling the race card, but I think that it certainly applies here.

I don't think your girl power is gonna get you out of this one, but good luck Mel!

Shiloh is wasted

2007-08-13T16:01:00.000-05:00

Someone needs to tell little Queen Shiloh to lay off the sauce. I know living with three adopted/less important children is hard to cope with, but don't drink your pain away little one. You will rule us all someday! Meanwhile, Zahara takes this opportunity to claim her rightful place in the spotlight:

That's right, girl! Ham it up while that white baby is drunk! You have claimed the right to be called "second most important next to Shiloh" - a title that Maddox once held. And that boy is none to pleased with his placement at the bottom of the Jolie-Pitt ranks:

Back of the line, Maddox! Someone better give that boy some attention and quick. He's got a rage about him that I am not to eager to see in full effect. And then there's that other asian baby...Hmmmm - nothing really interesting to say about him. He's boring and should be traded for an Indian or a Samoan.

More pics of the Royal Family here (they're in Chicago, bitches!).

SECRET RENDEZVOUS

2007-08-10T09:21:00.000-05:00

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal is boning. There have been rumors of the two ducking and diving out of motels and having secret lunches and shit.

She made me laugh in Freeway, he made me bone up in Brokeback Mountain . I truly hope that they are having some bomb ass sex. From the looks of their matching shit- eating grins, it looks like they are.

*here's to you Withergyllen*

Hmmm...crab cakes

2007-08-10T08:41:00.000-05:00

Are we surprised to see Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston on the town after the divorce? Nope. As we all know, a family that breaks rocks together, stays together. Are we shocked to see them both looking red eyed and shiny? Hell to the NO! You know they was just hittin' the pipe a hot second ago. The only thing new, and in my opinion, funny about this is the fact that they dine at Joe's Crab Shack.

I guess when you spend 730,000 on drugs (Allegedly. We ain't found them receipts yet) sometimes the Shrimp Shack is the best you can do. Look for Whitney and Bobby at an IHOP near you!

Polka dots, pearls, and fringe. Oh my!

2007-08-10T08:33:00.000-05:00

I have nothing to say, except that this hurts my heart.

Doing this brings me no joy at all and I can see it hurts you too Lauryn.

You're no Striptease.

2007-08-09T15:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know that she was outed as a pothead from her myspace page or something like that, but someone needs to take the joints away from Rumer Willis. For one, she is making pot smokers look bad. People already think smoking pot will make you run over little girls on bikes or shoot your best friend with your dad's loaded shotgun. So pot dealers, cut her off. Either that or daddy needs to get Die Hard on her ass and ask her wtf she was thinking when she decided to do this:

Other than the blantantly obvious answer - she smoked crack thinking it was pot - my only other guess would be that this is an homage to her parents. Her mom, Demi is represented by her looking like a slut and showing off her side boob once she lifts her arms. Her father, Bruce or Ashton for that matter, because really what is the difference, is represented clearly by the dunce cap.

What are you thoughts/guesses? Let us know in the comments!

Chocolate Rain LIVE!

2007-08-09T10:21:00.000-05:00

Tay Zonday was on Jimmy Kimmel Live. He speaks! Do you think Tay would play at my birthday party next year? I can think of no better way to ring in the anniversary of my birth than by Chocolate Rain on repeat for countless hours. I would also like him to read me bedtime stories...into my vagina. I think I'm in love with this man.

Keep your Fun Hole clean

2007-08-09T07:35:00.000-05:00

When Terrence Howard isn't being fangled in the fun hole, he's going to great lengths preserving the cleanliness of it. When wiping your ass, according to TH, you can't just use paper on that (literal) shit. You best have some baby wipes in your bathroom if you want Terrence Howard to not have sex with you. He elaborates an interview with Elle:

On his relationship philosophy:

"If a relationship is built on sexuality, it won't last long. Now I'm completely chaste through a relationship unless I get married. I don't believe in premarital sex. It enabled me to date three or four women at the same time, because as long as I wasn't having sex with them, I could always just walk away. There were some [past girlfriends] who pushed for sex, and sometimes they won. Afterward, I would feel unclean, like I'd compromised my own values. So I would have to let them go because they didn't help me to be a stronger person."

On his deal-breaker:

"Toilet paper - and no baby wipes - in the bathroom. If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."

Since there is no sex, I assume that Terrence gets off by having his lady friends gently lay him down, lift up his legs, and peer into his hole of fun before they wipe it clean with a moist towelette. Then he demands to be wrapped in swaddling cloths and cooed to sleep. And wouldn't you know it? That just so happens to be my specialty. Don't judge Terrence. It's hard out here for a man-baby. Come to mama, Terrence. I've got a whole carton of baby wipes with your name on it.

Source

Wang Wednesday: Antonio Banderas!

2007-08-08T13:43:00.000-05:00

click for NSFW version

Welcome to the second installment of Wang Wednesday! My dog Betty Bacon isn't so sure how she feels about this vintage Antonio Banderas wang. She likes his curly hair, and his young, come hither look. But she does not like how he's just standing there with his wang out for all to see. She's trying to warn you not too look. The choice, however, is ultimately up to you. She is also taking Antonio by the hand in an effort to communicate the only way a dog knows how. She's telling him, "Please, Antonio, don't hurt 'em". But Antonio does not listen.

WTF happened to Janeane Garofalo?

2007-08-08T11:30:00.000-05:00

Are those catty, superficial lesbians getting to you, girl? Listen, Janeane Garofalo, don't go all anorexic on us just to keep the lipstick lesbian crowd. You'll always have the butch ones that will continue to think you're gay no matter what you tell them! And their standards are really, really low. So low, in fact, that you can walk into a truck stop wearing nothing but a potato sack and just point to your vagina until one of them crawls out from behind the claw machine and takes you into the cab of her semi to have her way with you...so I've heard...

Anyhoo - you should really eat something. I know that Air America thing didn't really work out, but that's no reason to starve yourself! Just four short years ago, you looked like this:

What a difference four years makes. That look, at least the hair, wasn't really that great - but at least you were eating AND keeping the lesbians in check. Pull yourself together, girl! You have a sweet movie coming out! All is not lost!

Britney Spears is most certainly not too hot for the hot tub

2007-08-08T10:55:00.000-05:00

Perhaps starting this blog was not the best idea for me. I used to love all of this celebrity bullshit. "What?! What's that you say? Britney Spears skewered her sons, doused them in barbecue sauce, grilled them on her George Foreman lean mean grilling machine and served them to her house guests, who were comprised of slightly deformed lesbian midgets???? Fucking SWEET!" was generally my reaction to the crazy antics of the rich & famous. Now, I'm finding myself increasingly disgusted, but mostly just bored. Like when The Sun breaks the exclusive about some douchebag getting freaky in a pool with Britney:

Britney’s assistant hand-picked Mike and a group of male pals to go to her hotel for drinks by the pool.
Mike explained: “Britney was drinking Mojitos and she’d been drinking some Jack Daniel’s
“Suddenly she shocked everyone by just stripping out of her top.
“She went into the pool topless - her boobs were exposed and she had a drink in her hand and a hat on with sunglasses.”

How can anyone...ANYONE...be shocked by anything this ho does anymore? Now, if she took her top off and in place of her boobs there were 1,000 tiny machine guns that shot bubbles...maybe, just maybe I would be shocked by that. But honestly, at this point, I'd probably just shrug and move on. Basically, this post is an excuse to post this video, which is much more entertaining that anything Ms. Spears has ever done or will do:

Our First Retraction

2007-08-08T08:54:00.000-05:00

Some time ago, I asked celebrities to stop going to Disney World. I'd like to amend that statment to: Everyone but Will Ferrel, stop going to Disney World. There is something oddly charming about old man Ferrel sitting in a teacup with the dainty Mad Hatter that I'd just like to see more of. Keep up the good work, Will. I'm sorry I tried to restrict your greatness.

ITS A...

2007-08-06T09:57:00.000-05:00

According to In Touch, the new life trying to eat its way out of Nicole Richie's body, is a BOY!

* Joel was just about to finish the oft used fist pump, when Nicole stopped him with, "No, no. We aren't that excited. Put it down. "*

Joel Madden is understandably happy, sources say. He'll have someone to play catch with or teach whatever crap instrument he plays in his crap band. Nicole however, is mildly impressed and greatly disappointed. Who will she pass on her remarkable fashion sense and anorexia, or I guess bulimia now cause she supposedly eats every hour. Well here's hoping that the lil Richie Madden will inherite his father's good looks and his mother's disdain for food...and things that aren't drugs.

Usher Walks Dog Down Aisle

2007-08-06T09:40:00.000-05:00

Just one week after the alleged pregnancy scare, Usher and fiancé (as in a MAN engaged to be married. I bet that one went right over your head didn't it? I may be a darky but I gots my GED!) Tameka Foster finally wed on Friday.

In a ~~closed casket~~ private ceremony, Tameka put the final nail in Usher's coffin. It's one thing to fuck an ugly chick, but to marry her and have a kid with her just ain't right. I had my suspicions about the SIKE! these two fools pulled last week, but this shit confuses me. What could possibly make a bone inducing, stud like Usher marry a horse faced, icy bitch like Tameka Foster? Blood money? A mean case of dick herp that Usher is too scared to pass on? Usher is gay? Any suggestions? Leave em in the comments.

ICYMI: French Song

2007-08-06T09:16:00.000-05:00

Flight of the Concords is still awesome. Just so you know.

When did Hilary Duff become a whore?

2007-08-03T17:30:00.000-05:00

I know that it is all the rage to be a whore nowadays, Nicole Richie is getting a lot of press for being a pregnant (and unwed) whore, Lindsey's a drunken whore, Britney's a crazy whore...Paris. But you really got to ease up a little bit.

Please give your coin purse some room to breathe or you're going to end up having to use Rihannas Yeast Infection Cream for the rest of your natural life.

Oh Shit! The best thing ever!

2007-08-03T13:09:00.000-05:00

I'm sure our fair Jigga had no idea how poignant the title of his recent post about R. Kelly and the release of the new chapters of Trapped in the Closet would be. How could he have known that in the preview for the new chapter, R. Kelly would utter the words "Oh Shit" or "Aw Shit" a countless number of times. I'm beyond excited for the release of new chapters now. This preview promises: more of Rosie the nosy neighbor, the midget will be wearing a leather vest with no shirt on underneath, someone is getting chased by helicopters, R. Kelly gets multiple guns pointed at his face, and there will be a gospel choir. In other words, this will rule.

What I learned from the new Gap ads

2007-08-03T12:05:00.000-05:00

Gap decided to get all le art on our asses by hiring famed photographer Annie Leibovitz to shoot their latest campaign. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this series, as it has given me insight into some of the darkest corners of the celebrity psyche that I was comfortable not knowing about. Things such as:

What Ken Wantanabe looks like when he wants me to come and get it:

What Forest Whitaker looks like when he's trying to sneak one by:

Who the shit is Twyla Tharp and why is she trying to show me her old lady vagina? Is this supposed to make me want to buy khakis?

And finally, I've learned that Sarah Silverman is generally unimpressed with her ability to do a pelvic thrust.

See more celebrities trying to trick you into thinking that the Gap is cool here.

America's next STOP model.

2007-08-03T10:05:00.000-05:00

Apparently Tyra Banks has turned in her modeling shoes to become a kite. Tyra is so versatile!

Good luck with that - watch out for the trees!

The shoulda-coulda-woulda

2007-08-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

Years from now, us bloggers on TGG will look back on today and wonder, why didn't we post more? Well, when that time comes, we will apologize for our lack of posts. We might spend all day saying to ourselves, shoulda-coulda-woulda, but until then, lets focus on someone who probably says this everyday of her life...

this represents 'SHOULDA', as in, Britney shoulda stuck to being a semi-whore who only whored around with one guy - Justin Timberlake and for the most part always had on her underwear and a full head of hair.

this represents 'COULDA', as in, although this is probably a fake photo Britney had the world before her and she definitely could have avoided all this if she put her college education to use. Oh, I guess you would need one first, before you could put it to use. And thats any education for that matter.

lastly, this represents 'WOULDA', as in, it woulda been nice if someone told Britney that having sex can equal babies, and having sex with Kevin Federline almost guarantees it. Oh yah, and babies are hard work and they are, contrary to Britney's prior belief, not fake. When you hold them down their eyes do not automatically shut like baby dolls do. This was a tough one for her to grasp.

Anyway, I will leave you with promises of wonderful posts to come on days when we might not have work we get paid to do.

such as one simponizing themselves...

until next time readers - drive fast and take chances!

Old ladies lookin like bobble heads

2007-08-01T13:37:00.000-05:00

Aren't eating disorders solely for young girls trying to cope with their ever changing bodies and daddy issues? Aren't these bitches too old to be doing this shit?

I bet they'd eat more if they knew that having no meat on your bones makes you look older.

WTF Files: Britney Spears

2007-08-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

Choices is hard. Now, I ain't nobody's daddy, but I bet that having to deal with kids is not easy. Should you feed them carrots or Cheetos? Milk or Jack and diet soda? Do you have to change their diapers every time they make a stinky? Babies like tacos right? Bleaching a 22 month olds teeth ain't dangerous is it? I know I sure as shit wouldn't know what to do, and I bet you wouldn't either.

I do know however, that if my parenting skills were constantly being questioned (as they should be) I would ask somebody who knows. Or, I would hire a fucking nanny! C'mon now Britney! If you hire someone responsible to take care of your kids you won't have to spend any time with them at all. You can spend all of your time nursing the tiny shred of fame you have left.

Kurt Russell's Wang!

2007-08-01T11:39:00.000-05:00

Yeah! That's right! Who wants to see some 56 year old wang??? You know that you do. Go ahead, click on the image! Feast your eyes on Stuntman Mike's shifter! On Dr. Curtis McCabe's tongue depressor! On Snake Plissken's snake!!! It's Wang Wednesday!!! (Shall we make Wang Wednesday the official new regular feature on the blog? Let us know in the comments!)

AWW SHIT!

2007-08-01T10:50:00.000-05:00

Get ready bitches! Trapped In The Closet: Chapters 13-22 will be out on DVD 8/21. Here's a quick recap for all of you who don't know.

Ain't that some shit?

2007-08-01T08:16:00.000-05:00

Contrary to what I believe, Nicole Richie has told Diane Sawyer that she really is pregnant. Notice how I say "I believe" - present tense. I still believe that she is not pregnant. How can a malnourished, 80lb, sack of skin conceive a baby? No, she's just using this as her "get out of jail free card" - and if she can avoid jail time, then I'm sure she'll "miscarry". She said she's 4 months pregnant! Sweet lord...if that is true...No! I refuse to believe it. This is how I cope with the possibility that Nicole Richie will soon be responsible for the life of another human being; straight-up denial. I won't believe your lies, Nicole Richie! I'll believe you when I actually see the anorexic baby emerge from your baby slide. And you all know when that will be:

Guess I'll just settle for the Spice Girls

2007-07-31T15:40:00.000-05:00

In an interview in Scratch magazine Wyclef Jean puts Lauryn Hill on blast.

"Lauryn is straight up the problem, bro. She wants to be a producer. Don’t come telling us how to chop up beats so you can get credit for it."

This in addition to the comments Pras recently made, I think its safe to say any dreams of a Fugees reunion have been laid to rest. I am torn. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loves me some Lauryn Hill and how much I want not to believe that she is on as much bullshit as everyone says, but...

...how can I? It's too hard not to think that L.Boogie ain't gone and lost her shit when she keeps showing up places looking like a sweaty, puffy vagabond. I think that all the Fugees need to get get back to form, is to hire Lauryn a stylist. No one will think you have flipped your wig if you don't look like you have. The music soon will follow.

*better days*

Funny & Not Funny all at the same time

2007-07-31T14:35:00.000-05:00

Here's a picture of Courtney Love that is funny:

Ha! What the hell happened to her! She looks like Janice from the muppets!:

Here's a picutre of Courtney Love that is not really that funny:

Jesus Christ...What the hell happened to her? Put those glasses back on, honey. I prefer comedy to depression. In fact, you should do a jig or something in order to help me forget that sad image. No? You don't jig, Courtney? Fine...I'll do my own jig, let me just find some jams to jig to...

DUH!

2007-07-31T13:08:00.000-05:00

In an essay in Glamour Star Jones cops to having gastric bypass surgery.

In other breaking news, grass is green and fire be hot.

Amy's Jacked Up...

2007-07-31T09:17:00.000-05:00

Literally. By Jack Daniels.

Only this horseface can get away with open intoxication while driving. Some people get to a point where they are drunk so much, its no longer being drunk, its just being normal. Amy Winehouse is one of these people. Either that or she is the least photogenic person I have ever seen. I'm going to go with a little of both. There is a name for people like Amy - drunken whore.

I've got nothing against drinking, but you know its a problem when you start offering services to a drunk leprechaun in exchange for helping you find your bottle of Jack.

Thats one unlucky leprechaun, but I do hear she gives some nice head.

Think about the kids, Britney

2007-07-30T15:31:00.000-05:00

(lots more kids getting scared/mildly injured at Buzzfeed)

Oh lawd, what a day! Since there is really nothing that great going on in the gossip world, I leave you this video of a kid almost having a heart attack. Is it a coincidence that this happened while he was lip synching to Britney Spears? I think not. Britney, we know you ain't thinking about how your actions are going to leave lasting, irreversible, negative impressions on your children. So perhaps you would change your ways if you were faced to think about the children of the world? They are, in fact, our future:

And finally, here is some extended footage from the upcoming movie The Golden Compass. I'm sort of a nerd, and I'm TOTALLY FLIPPIN EXCITED for this movie. Get over the hate for talking animals, y'all haters. This movie is going to rule:

Bono is Fat

2007-07-30T11:08:00.001-05:00

Its not the first time I have criticized the lead singer from U2, and it certainly wont be the last. Its obvious that I can't stand him. But for good reasons usually.

When did Bono get so fat?? First off, I almost didn't recognize him and for a moment, mistook him for Robin Williams.

So if that is really Robin Williams, I apologize. I don't care if you are fat or if you eat the Africans food because you don't patronize me when I don't help out poor people.

Why is he telling people to send money and food and relief to Africa when its clearly never getting to poor people that are hungry and need it. Its obvious that Chubbo formerly known as Bono is eating it all or spending all the money on food and forgetting to puke it up.

That's fine though. Keep getting fat, Bono. I can't wait for you to release your first album as the lead singer for U2XXXXL.

Asshole.

She can feel it coming in the air tonight

2007-07-30T10:38:00.000-05:00

Hold me tight, puppy, while I squeeze out a deuce.

And in today's obligatory "What crazy shit is Britney Spears doing now" news - she's having a breakdown while she films a ~~sexy~~ repulsive pole dance for her latest video:

This shit is getting really exhausting for me. Basically she looked a mess, and normally I would say that I was excited for this trash video to come out - but this has finally passed the point of amusing, and now can definitely be classified as straight up depressing. At one point, she allegedly "stared vacantly into the camera while she clutched her Yorkie puppie" and she "sobbed hysterically at the end of filming". I don't know what to say about this anymore. Britney's career and sanity are drowning, and I, like Phil Collins, am too far away to do anything about it. Nor would I really want to. I can feel Britney's Breakdown (version 3.0) coming in the air tonight. Get ready for it y'all.

More photos here

Trend Alert: Blackface!

2007-07-30T10:24:00.000-05:00

I'd like to present this is reason #3,235,986 that I don't watch the recently cancelled (Thank God!) piece of shit that is The Simple Life:

"Why, Girl #1, what's wrong with that?" you might find yourself asking, "She just looks overly tanned, per usual!".

That, my friends, is Paris Hilton's attempt at blackface. Yes, she was "transformed" into a "black" for her show. Nicole Richie did it too! Even more offensively, and unnecessarily, since she is actually part black:

Sweet lord. Honestly, I'm just jealous of the heiress. I was planning on bringing blackface back for a long time, but was going to wait until Fall 2K7 to debut my new look. That Paris, always one up on me...especially when it comes to highly offensive behavior.

Usher calls off shotgun wedding

2007-07-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

Usher and Tameka Foster's wedding ended in the same manner that their relationship began, in a shroud of secrets and lies, and with an air of suspicion.

Hours before the afternoon ceremony was to take place in Southampton, N.Y., Usher's publicist Patti Webster issued the following statement:

"It was announced today that the wedding ceremony for Usher Raymond IV and Tameka Foster was canceled. No additional information will be given regarding the circumstances of the cancellation, but we hope the privacy of this matter will be respected."

The speculation as to why the wedding was called off is endless, and you know they ain't talkin' so I'll just have to give you my top 5 reasons.

1) The couple have too many differences. People Magazine reports that the "bride" wanted to serve guests ( Janet Jackson and Beyonce among them) barbeque and Usher wanted some siddity renown chef to serve some fancy shit. I'm with Tameka on this one, black people love BBQ! Plus the thought of her sucking the meat off a rack of ribs is funny. And a lil bit frightening.

2) Usher don't wanna be nobody's daddy! Y'all know that bitch got three kids already by, I can only assume, three different men.

3) A bitch got a record

4)Usher needs his Mama. As a mamas boy, I can understand. Who is going devote themselves to raising you and making sure you're happy? It's not that Tameka bitch, she already got kids to take care of. Who will constantly dote on you and make you feel as if no other woman will ever be good enough for you, forcing you to run into the arms of the first guy that touches you inappropriately? Mama will.

5) The couple is too much alike. In a Boys Don't Cry kind of twist, Usher realized that the woman he was boning and supposedly knocked up, was really a dude that he was just putting it in the ass with and did not get pregnant. Cause it's impossible !

U-G-L-Y ...

2007-07-27T15:50:00.001-05:00

There are few things I hate more than ugly babies, (Violet Affleck, I'm talkin to you) but thankfully in Hollywood, the powers that be feel differently. Ugly babies turn into "quirky" looking kids, (Johnathan Lipnicki) who then turn into pretty unfortunate looking adults.(Steve Buscemi) The lifespan of acceptance is short so you gotta strike while the iron is hot. So today I delight in reporting that Dakota Fanning is JACKED!!!

Hard to believe that this adorably toothless, ruffled, munchkin turned into a hunchbacked ogre.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!Clearly the iron has cooled, but I wish that it hadn't so that i could burn out my eyes. God she's a dog! And I don't want any of you whiny bitches crying at me "she's just a kid, Jigs" Ugly is ugly. And that thing is ugly!

El Can-fucking sick-tante

2007-07-27T15:27:00.000-05:00

Dude, J. Lo...what the hell is going on here? I know you turned down the hot recently so Marc Anthony could have a piece, but I think you turned it down too low. I was thinking more "rolling boil" hot, but you've turned it all the way down to simmer. However, we are here to help you get some of the hot back. So, let's try opening your mouth wider, like you smell something stinky and it has wafted its way into your mouth and you're vacant in the eyes...but you're going to use your tongue to push the smell back out. All the models do that face, it's hot. Give it a try!

Hmmm...that isn't working so much for you. What's going on with your boob, exactly? Are you not really a mexi? Because your boob is looking really caucasian. Nice touch with the shimmer lotion on the arm though. That tells people "Hey, I might look disgusting, but LOOK! SPARKLES!". Way to distract them. Let's try one more look. This one is destined to bring the hot back. Give me a good old pout. Never steered me wrong before!

Well. I guess there's a first time for everything, because that ain't right. And unfortunately, it looks like your husband has lost the hot that he briefly had, and is back to looking like a confused cancer patient who constantly glares at that which confuses him, which is everything. I'm done with you two.

WTF Files: Lauryn Hill

2007-07-27T13:16:00.000-05:00

I really think this bitch just is fucking with me now.

I have already told you that I still love your music Lauryn, but if you keep steppin out of your house lookin this hot of a mess, I am going to have to drop you all together. I mean it!

This ho ain't pregnant

2007-07-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

From the people who brought you This ho is pregnant (US - and not US weekly, I mean TGG) we'd like to dispel a pregnancy rumor (and also apologize for talking about Nicole Richie so much today). An exclusive source has revealed to us that this ho AIN'T pregnant!! Believe it when you hear it on that Diane Sawyer interview, but remember you heard it here first. Unless, of course, she is pregnant. Than promptly forget that we ever said anything and dear baby jesus, please heed the call of jigga (below). I'll take care of that lying bastard llama.

Nicole Richie is ready to talk

2007-07-27T11:32:00.000-05:00

Remember the last time Diane Sawyer had an interview with a troubled celebrity in an effort to clear the air- dispell some of the rumors? Remember what happened? Well let me refresh your memory.

Whitney "crack is whack" Houston. * all the good shit at 6 min.*

As it has already been proven true here at TGG, that God don't give a shit about gays. But if He ain't too busy running from Paula. I hope that he hears this prayer. "Dear Jesus, Daddy, and the Spook, it's Jigga again. I know you don't particularly care for my kind but here's hopin'. If you could possibly avoid Nicole Richie on the days of August 2nd and 3rd when she interviews with Diane Sawyer, I would really appreciate it."

I am hoping that the combination of a long history of drug problems + a loser of a mate (dude from Good Charlotte) + being so frail + being knocked up + having to serving 4 days in the pokey + Diane = an interview of the same caliber of crazy as Whitney Houston. I know it's a lot to ask, (can something as awesome as "show me the receipts" ever be repeated?) but I really want to see the shit hit the fan.

"So God, if you could just stay away...just for a couple days, that'd be great. Just a couple days though, the life growing inside of her will need some help. Or, Nicole will need your help after the baby eats her vital organs due malnutrition. Oh, and if you do help me out Jesus, I promise not to put any penises in my mouth for a whole month. Amen."

Travolta becomes comfortable with baldness

2007-07-27T08:05:00.000-05:00

I, on the other hand, am rendered increasingly uncomfortable.

One thing we haven't touched on much here is John Travolta and his inability to hide his baldness. We usually don't like to talk about John because he is a filthy Scientologist, but his insecurity about losing his hair is something that many men secretly fear. As you should, men. If you go bald - no one will like you. Women will be nice to your face, but behind your back they will be silently judging you and they will consider you less of a man. And your penis will shrink! John Travolta ain't scared though. He's embracing his baldness, and subsequently, his shrunken wang. Take a lesson from this Scientologist, boys. You too, can look this strapping - just let the baldness fly (the mullet, however, is optional. And not something we approve of)! And...let your wangs fly too. Freely in the open air. Just for LOLZ. But not you, Travolta. You keep your naked Scientology stick in your pants.

Finally!

2007-07-27T07:42:00.000-05:00

Naomi Watts finally let that baby slide right on outta there. I'm still a bit concerned. Not so much for her anymore, but for her vagina. That could not have felt pleasant. The beast that swelled her belly to ginormous proportions shall now and forever be known as Alexander Pete Schreiber, and he apparently only weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz. This leads me to believe that there is another baby hiding all up in there. There must be. How can a little bean like that cause a woman to become such a giant fatty? We'll keep you posted on the emergence of a secret baby...

And I know I've posted this video before, but can you ever hear this song too many times? No...no you can't.

Lindsay Lohan runs over, blames a black man

2007-07-27T07:14:00.000-05:00

Three dudes who were involved with the latest Lohan DUI scandal are telling their story to TMZ. If you are a glutton for punishment, go over there and watch their "testimony". I'm feeling generous this Friday morning, so I'll recount the alleged story for you:

Lindsay Lohan is a dirty racist. Three dudes (two brothers, one honkey) were trying to get into her party in Malibu the night of her arrest. Lindsay only let the white man in (racist move #1). The two brothers are forced to wait outside. Lindsay, as wasted as can be, gets in a fight with her assistant. The honkey & the brothers get in their car to leave, and Lindsay jumps in the drivers seat. Brother #1 tries to get out of the car and Linday Lohan RUNS OVER HIS FOOT (racist move #2). She takes the remaining brother and the honkey on a high-speed chase, telling them "Don't touch me! I'll sue you" and my personal favorite, "I can't get in trouble, I'm a celebrity. I do what I want". Lohan chases the car containing her assistant who just quit this bitch straight to the police station, where she tells the cops "the black kid was driving" (racist move #3). What a g.d. racist.

So there you have it. Lindsay Lohan is allegedly a racist. TMZ also has the 911 tape. The mom of the assistant called 911 and said that a "gentlemen was driving". Are the three dudes liars? Probably. Is the mom of the assistant also a racist? Undoubtedly. Do we care anymore? Unfortunately...Maybe.

They are still making Bourne movies?

2007-07-26T12:03:00.000-05:00

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! What the hell? They are still making Bourne movies and Julia Stiles is in them? Shiny, round face & all? Yikes! I just puked up a bit of my Hot & Sour soup in my mouth. Good thing I've never seen any of those shitty movies. It's also a good thing that Matt Damon loves his ~~Mexi~~ Argentinian wife:

Girl, I know you're a mexi or something, but get out of that tanning bed!

apparently more than Ben Affleck:

loves his wife, who was forced to waddle down the red carpet all on her own:

She looks fierce. Not in the Tyra Banks/Top Model way, but more in the "I'm coming to suck the brains out of your head through your ears and mama-bird them to my daughter" kind of way. And that's all I got, folks. Today marks the calm after the Lohan storm. We'll see what else the gossip world brings us, but if I'm posting about a Bourne movie premiere, chances are it ain't gonna be much. Julia Stiles, this one goes out to you...because the first three words describe your face:

More premiere here.

Can't Tell Me Nothin: Now with white people! And chainsaws!

2007-07-26T09:03:00.000-05:00

If you didn't like Chocolate Rain...well, I'm not sure I want to know you. But, I'll give you a chance to get back in my good graces. Here's a new video for Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothin. The video features video ho-fessional & lip-syncher extraordinaire Zach Galifianakis & sad-bastard artist Will Oldham. Maybe all y'all racists will be a bit more kind to a black man singing if his jam is being lipsynched by two really REALLY white dudes. Let us know.

Jessica Alba & Cash Warren Split: World Shrugs

2007-07-25T14:46:00.000-05:00

UsWeekly reports that after over two years of bliss, Jessica drops Cash faster than you can say "Dark Angel." Sources say that Jessica broke up with Cash via telephone, calling to tell him "I'm not in love with you anymore." Then, (this is my favorite part) she sent her assistants to her home in L.A. to pack up all his shit and move him out.

Yeah...he bores me too Jess.

What could be the cause of such a sudden decision? Some say it could be the rumored relationship between Jessica and .....wait for it.... 50 Cent. I think this exactly what she needs right now. A bonafide money making thug like Curtis is sure to get Jessica some of her cred back after denying her Mexi heritage. Plus who doesn't love a thug?

Cash on the other hand, isn't doing so well. The breakup came out of nowhere and he is understandably devastated. Having seen Jessica Alba I can see how. Even though Cash is a producer of some kind, by Hollywood's standards, he's pretty much a regular guy. I think he should be happy that he got to stick his penis in her for as long as he did.

I truly do wish the best for these two. Jessica, enjoy 50's jewel encrusted penis and try not to cry too much when he whoops your ass, as he surely will end up doing (thug love ain't free) and try to protect your face. Cash, I ain't got much for ya buddy. You probably won't have a chick nearly as hot Jessica and after the few weeks of media coverage you'll probably won't be heard from again, but good news, I found a place for you to stay since that bitch left you homeless.

Jigga always pulls through.

Kate Moss, Superstar.

2007-07-25T11:45:00.000-05:00

Kate Moss has been an emotional wreck lately (shocking, huh?) over the loss of two sex tapes recorded with ex-flame Pete Doherty. The thought of whatever disgusting acts those two could have possibly done sends a shiver down my spine. Can you imagine the sight of Pete doing a line of blow from the crack of Kates ass? What are the chances that his dick would be any cleaner than the rest of him? He looks like a hobo!

Either way, there's no need to fret Kate. Having your bits and pieces exposed to the world is bound to do you some good. Haven't you read The Trashy Girls Guide To Fame? Every girl with a dream of fame and nominal talents should own a copy.

Pam Anderson read it and look at her career. If she hadn't recorded herself being impaled by Tommy Lee, she would have been able to create such art as Barb Wire, and she probably wouldn't have gotten syph- or whatever it is he gave her.

Look who else read it.

Do we even know what she does? Nope. And do we care? She is at the height of her fame right now, and all she had to do was get a lil bit of pee on her!

There are a countless amount of starlets with their sexual exploits documented for us regular people to pull it to. Paris Hilton has a sex tape, Lindsey Lohan and her boyfriend Samantha have one, Britney Spears and K Fed have one with them rubbing chicken fat all over each other and him eatin Funions out of her lady taco. I am starting to think they hand out A Trashy Girls Guide To Fame at Hyde.

Fame is fame. Even if it's for pretty much being a hooker. Just thank the Lord that people are still talking about you Kate.

Is this what you dudes do?

2007-07-25T10:27:00.000-05:00

A question to dudes with erectile dysfunction: Do y'all like to sit around and sing about it? That's what this commercial for Viagra would like us to believe. I have no idea how old/new this is...but this is hilarious. I particularly enjoyed the first line, "Got me a honey..." better when I misheard it the first time and I thought he said "God, me horny...". Enjoy.

It's your turn, Michelle Williams

2007-07-25T10:06:00.000-05:00

First, Kelly Rowland fell down:

Now Beyonce...has fallen:

Michelle Williams, as the third and final member of Destiny's Child yet to take a tumble, the world is waiting on you. Don't let these bitches upstage you with their falling! You can fall down better! You can fall down harder! Break something! Reclaim your space in the spotlight!

Edit: Aw shit, apparently Michelle Williams has already fallen.

HA! I guess all that's left is for Destiny's Child to re-unite, and then all fall down together, as a group. I'll wait for that

Thanks to TGG reader Kitty for pointing that out!

I never really knew that Tom could sweat like this

2007-07-25T09:43:00.000-05:00

I think Tom Cruise should get his sweat glands looked at. He really shouldn't be sweating that much, or in that pattern. If you're really that hot, why not just commit to removing your jacket entirely?

Rihanna umbrellas for sale!

2007-07-25T09:16:00.000-05:00

I think that this is fucking ridiculous, but I do respect Rihanna's hustle. Cash in on your soon to be nonexistent fame while you can girl. People will soon realize that although she has a hot body she kinda looks like an alien. Once the public catches on, her career is dead. Young and hot, marginally talented singers we can tolerate, but old ugly bitches who can't sing just ain't gonna work. Soon enough not every dude is gonna want to bone you, so make all the money you can now RiRi and don't stop at UM-BA-RELLAS.

Maybe Rihanna hot pants?
Or better yet, Rihanna yeast infection cream for wearers of Rihanna hot pants.

You could patent whatever it is that made your GIANT forehead look surprisingly regular sized and your tits look so big.

*Rihanna this ones for you. Jam to this while you count your cash.*

Lohan: It wasn't me?

2007-07-25T08:04:00.000-05:00

We'd like to start off the day by thanking none other than Lindsay Dee Lohan for reading the blog. It's clear that she heeded the advice that we gave to Paris Hilton in the wake of her legal troubles. Remember, we told Paris to use the timeless "it wasn't me" defense. But Paris did not listen, and look where that got her. In an email to "Access Hollywood" host Billy Bush, Lindsay did exactly what we tried to get Paris to do - deny all knowledge of the crime or responsibility. She wrote:

“I am innocent... did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy,”

That's right, girl. Deny that the drugs that they found in YOUR pocket were yours, and blame someone else. Way to go! But now you're faced with another dilemma. If the drugs weren't yours, whose were they? Don't worry, Lohan - we got you covered. Here are some possible excuses to use when Billy Bush undoubtedly pressures you for more answers (that fucking asshole):

WHOSE DRUGS WERE THOSE DRUGS??? THEY CERTAINLY WERE NOT MINE

Suspect 1: Dina Lohan

Blaming your mom is probably the best thing that you can do, since it is most likely the closest thing to the truth. You (unfortunately) look a lot like her, especially when you are wasted (see mug shot above). You can either say that it was actually your mom that they should have arrested and in some wacky police hijinx the two of you got mixed up leading to your erroneous arrest. Or you can say that you were merely delivering the drugs to your mom. People will respect that you are no longer "doing" these drugs, and subsequently respect that you are just "delivering" them now. As your lawyer said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "This shit ain't easy".

Suspect 2: Bo-Bo the Family Dog

I don't know if you have a dog. And if you do, I'm willing to bet his name is not "Bo-Bo". However, it's really easy to get a dog. Just go down to the humane society and pick one up. Sprinkle a little co-caine into that dog's nose and blame all this mess on your junkie dog.

Suspect 3: Cody Lohan

At 11 years old, your little brother is a PERFECT candidate for taking the fall for you. He's young, impressionable, and rich thanks to you. What better way to pay you back than by assuming your felony charges. Don't let his crying or pouting weaken your resolve to push the blame on him. Just remember. He has red hair. This should automatically evoke thoughts of Chucky in the minds of many red-blooded Americans:

If it doesn't just show the media this picture of him dressed as an Indian:

We all know that Indians have problems...and people will logically assume that your brother shares those same problems if he chose to dress like one.

Suspect 4: A Monkey on a Treadmill

Just because.

That should get you started. Mull it over, and pick the best option. And, just so you know Linds, all of these options can also double as an excuse for the person (or animal) that you claim was actually chasing you. Good luck, girl!

More people looking gross

2007-07-24T14:44:00.000-05:00

I think you're going about this "comeback" thing all wrong, Winona Ryder. First you pose for a magazine shoot looking like Krusty the Clown, and now you are trying to mesh two characters from your past. Can you guess which two? I'll tell you: she's taken the ska-hippie tendancies of Lelaina Pierce (her character in Reality Bites), and jammed it together with the paleness of her former flame and co-star (Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands). Put 'em together and whaddaya get?? A pale ska-hippie. AKA - Not Good. It's a good thing that the movie you are promoting, The Ten, can sell itself better than you can (see the trailer again here).

Dang, Cameron Diaz. I expect this shit from Britney Spears but I expect you to at least run a comb through your hair before you go out. That's fine though. I love when celebrities make me feel comfortable with judging them. When they look like this, what else am I supposed to do? Keep up the good work, ladies!

Google Eyed Fug

2007-07-24T11:51:00.000-05:00

Isn't it enough that the girl is funny lookin' and cross eyed?

Why the crocs? Do you want me to hate everything about your daughter Jennifer? Cute outfits are pretty much all she has going for her. Don't mess that up too.

Beckhams hit the town: D-List swarms.

2007-07-24T09:46:00.000-05:00

Everybody knows that making a name for yourself in L.A. is all about who you let stick it all the way in, but most importantly about who you know. The Beckhams are welcomed into the U.S. of A with open arms by none other than Tom Cruise his mail order bride, ~~Katie~~ Kate Holmes, and the Smiths

"That ain't so bad Jigga" you say. Well, because those people are genuine A-List celebrities. Take a look at the other riff raff gettin in on the party.

This bitch will show up to just bout anything. For real.

Huh? Doesn't Wesley have a court date to go to?

Did they come together? Do they hang? Is Tyrese and John Voight boys?

Why won't this troll stop assaulting me with her big plastic titties?

First, when did Posh and Becks become a friend of the negro? Wesley Snipes, really? Blade? I guess if the last thing I did was spend time in the clink (Viv) or bone a pseudo celebrity to get publicity, any party with booze and cameras would be good enough for me too.

Oh Hell No: Lohan busted for DUI AGAIN!

2007-07-24T09:43:00.000-05:00

For reals. This is not a joke. Just DAYS after being released from rehab - Lindsay Lohan was busted AGAIN this morning for DUI. And guess what they found in her pants! If you guessed "an AA bracelet" - I think you could be considered clinically retarded. If you guessed "mutha-fucking-COCAINE" - DING! DING! DING! You'd be right! I guess those extra 15 days in rehab, or the SCRAM bracelet she's been wearing haven't really helped her that much. Isn't that SCRAM bracelet supposed to monitor & detect any alcohol in her system 24/7? Current details are as follows, courtesy of TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning -- her second bust in less than three months. Lindsay Lohan was popped for possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license. Law enforcement says Lohan was stopped after cops got a call of a vehicle being chased by another vehicle. The chasing vehicle was being driven by Lohan. She was initially suspected of driving under the influence of alcohol. A field sobriety test was conducted and she was subsequently arrested for DUI.

At the station, a search of her person was conducted, and cocaine was found in her pants pocket.

Girl is fucked. Does she realize that she's not going to get shopping/workout breaks when her ass is put in jail? She will most likely get raped though. I'd also like to nominate Lindsay for our dumbass of the year award. We'll keep you posted on further developments.

Here's the depressing mug shot:

Tameka Foster bites Chilli.

2007-07-24T09:12:00.000-05:00

Okay. She didn't really bite Chilli but he/she did bare teeth.

vs.

A run in between Usher's very hot ex-girlfriend and his current ~~horse faced beard~~ woman has been recently reported. Chilli was nearly broken into sexy peices by, beast of a woman, Tameka Foster. Chilli, apparently still friends with Ursher's mom (does Usher even talk to her?) stopped in for a quick visit, only to be met by Tameka. And you know that shit hit the roof. Tameka Foster has been quoted as screaming, (in her baritone voice) “Doesn’t your boyfriend have a mom you can visit?” Chilli just told her to grow up and walked out laughing. [SOURCE]

Now I loves me some TLC. Creep, Red Light Special, Ain't Too Proud to Beg... I love all that shit. Girl #1 already tried to warn you Rozanda, Watch your Goddamn step! That ugly ho is not to be trifled with. Do you think she bagged a hot lay like Usher cause she's a delicate beauty? She got him by administering beat downs and breaking bitches necks. Trust. Do not fucks with her. Don't do it!

Note to OK!: Please publish the photos

2007-07-24T09:07:00.000-05:00

Today, I love TMZ. On slow news days, they suck. But on days like today, when the drama is flowing like wine, they really shine. Not to be upstaged by the antics of Lohan, Britney Spears sets out to prove that she is the biggest trainwreck of them all. Apparently her photoshoot with OK! Magazine was, as to be expected, a hot mess:

According to multiple sources, Britney's behavior during the interview was "nothing less than a meltdown." She was, according to our sources, "completely out of it" during the shoot. The photos are "so bad" we've learned, that to publish them could "kill her career." Apparently, Brit Brit's eyes rolled back in her head at one point, causing her to look half dead. Her mood, we're told, was extremely erratic. She took frequent bathroom breaks our source says, and each time she returned her mood would change. She was also completely paranoid during the entire interview, fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her. Out of control y'all!

The story also says that Brit wouldn't let anyone but her trashy friends style her for the shoot, and that she used a Gucci dress to cleanse her hands of fried chicken grease. OK! has not said how they are going to spin the story.

Ok! Magazine. I beg of you. Please run the photoshoot as is. I swear I will buy a lifetime subscription to your magazine if you just do the world a favor and show us all the true magnitude of her insanity. And if you don't want to do it for the world, do it for Britney. She's already seen pictures of herself looking like this:

And somehow that hasn't been enough to snap her out of this high-speed downward spiral that she has been on for years. Maybe she needs to see herself cleaning up dog shit with a Gucci dress (yes, according to TMZ, that happened too) before she can realize that maybe everyone is right and that perhaps there is something deeply wrong with her. Either way, I'll find the pictures to be amusing. So run them, OK! RUN THEM! Can someone get an online petition going?

UPDATE: MY DREAM CAME TRUE.

Some are better, some are worse

2007-07-24T07:59:00.000-05:00

Hey! Look at Marc Anthony!

He doesn't look at sick as he usually does! In fact, if we take a look at what he normally looks like, one could say that he's looking pretty darn snazzy. That's right. Snazzy. Not fancy just yet, but keep it up! Maybe you'll get there eventually. However, it does look like Jennifer Lopez has to look shitty in order for Marc Anthony to look good. I don't know what is going on with that dress, but...way to turn down the hot so your husband can have a little?

Someone who really needs some help though, is Al Pacino:

I'm sorry, but these film icons do not get a pass for looking like disheveled hobos. I'm not saying you have to look as snazzy as Señor Anthony, but must you look like you were just rummaging for food in a trashcan? Lucky for you, I'm actually quite taken with the "down-on-his-luck-probably-diseased-homeless" look, and I'll agree to be the J. Lo to your homeless ass. That is, if you'll have me Mr. Pacino. And lets be honest, right now I don't think that you're in a position to refuse any offer. Even one from me. I'll wait for your call.

Amy Winehouse wants a baby in her box.

2007-07-23T16:38:00.000-05:00

The singer/songwriter/lush/junkie whore is rumored to want to start a family with new husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. The celebmonger in me really wants Amy to be knocked up, but the concerned human being in me wants this to be totally untrue. I am sure that Amy has already listed the pros and cons of carrying a baby to full term. I just happen to have a copy of said list. I'd post the original but it has a lot of pee stains and I think she tried to smoke half of it.

Pro: Having a family is every girls dream.
Con: Singing, pissing my panties, puking in front of people is my dream too.

Pro: Could carry baby in hair.
Con: Hair falling out.

Pro: Baby could have my husbands eyes
Con: Baby could also have my snaggle teeth. And beehive. And alcoholic tendencies.

Pro: I would gain some much needed weight.
Con: How will girls, and my own kid know to look up to me? Wait, I ain't no fucking role model! Plus I hate bald peoples. but my babies would has my beehive, right? I still might cut it anyway. God, Im so hungry. I want a juice? with gin. and no ice. and no juice.

Pro:

That's pretty much all i could salvage. Well, there was a part where she was talking about a line of blow and a bloody fart...it really didn't make a whole lot of sense. I guess we'll have to wait and see what she decides. As if she could ever carry baby! Can a girl under 88lbs even make eggs? Put down the pipe and pick up a pork chop Amy!

*a few pics of Amy looking especially treated*

God, where are you?

2007-07-23T16:37:00.000-05:00

I hope that all of you faithful TGG readers were, much like myself, too drunk over the weekend to have already seen this . It's not breaking news, but it is funny as hell.

Paula Abdul has been teetering on the edge of insanity for some time now, but with her most recent breakdown, I think she is finally there. It's not enough that her music career has been defunct for years, ( remember Spellbound? ) and she has only become tabloid fodder since her stint on American Idol, she has gone completely APE SHIT too!

There are so many fantastically crazy bits throughout the entire video that I don't know where to begin. Paula yelling at her assistants, the tears, her saying that this was "the most hideous experience" for her to go through, the fact that is about the Bratz movie, but my absolute favorite part is when Paula asks "Where's God when you need him?"

I'm not entirely sure but I think I may have a few suggestions:
1) In Darfur?
2) Watching over Britneys kids. He's the only reason they're still alive.
3) Somewhere smiting a Gay.
4) Or a Jew.
Got any suggestions? Leave em in the comments.

*this is my favorite song to lose my shit to*

TGG Exclusive! Pam & Son discuss her 'look'

2007-07-23T15:01:00.000-05:00

TGG brings you an EXCLUSIVE conversation overheard in my mind between Pamela Anderson and her son Brandon:

Brandon: MOM! I thought you said you wouldn't wear your diaper to the beach anymore! It's EMBARRASSING!

Pamela Anderson: Son, some men would kill to get all up in this diaper and fangle your mom.

Brandon: Yeah, mom - I know. You tell me everyday. But I think these "men" you are referring to are called "crackheads", and they only want to 'get all up in there' as you so eloquently put it - because that's where you store your rocks.

Pamela Anderson: What MORE must I do for you, boy? I try to get some attention your way by not wearing a bra:

and you still complain! I can't even wear my favorite diaper to the beach without you bitching about it. Do you want to go live with your Dad and his new disgusting girlfriend?

Brandon: These really are my choices, eh?

Pamela Anderson: Yes, son. Yes they are.

Brandon: Well...let me get back to you on that one. I'm going to go swim out into the ocean and hope that I get too tired to swim back and drown, thus ending my pitiful existence. If I come back, I guess I'll continue living with you, and hating life more and more with each passing moment.

Pamela Anderson: That'a boy. Now off you go!

Want to hang out with Paris Hilton?

2007-07-23T14:30:00.000-05:00

Nope? Me neither. It's a good thing too, because in order to hang out with her, you apparently have to look like a over-tanned, manorexic, ultra-faggy version of the heiress. Unfortunately, I only encompass two of those three required characteristics. I'll let you figure out which two.

Chocolate Rain?

2007-07-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

There is something oddly compelling about this video. When I first stumbled upon it at YesButNoButYes, I listened to about 45 seconds before thinking to myself "What the shit is this?" and then promptly went back to my normal daily activities (looking up porn, farting, etc.). But then, the song became trapped in my head...and now, I kind of love it. Tell me if it has the same effect on you.

Who's that dude?

2007-07-23T12:13:00.000-05:00

Mmmmhmmm - nothing like the back of a manly dude to brighten up a Monday afternoon. Who do you think this dudely back belongs to? Click on the photo to find out! Warning! This is slightly NSFW! Don't worry though, a pretty flower is mostly covering up dat ass, and thankfully covering up any balls that could be peeking out from beyond the taint.

Blame Suri

2007-07-23T11:31:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the late start today. I had to be driven to the emergency room because I started hyperventilating upon seeing these pictures of Suri Cruise:

Are you joking, Suri? I want to put this baby in a slingshot and shoot her across the room. How could you even co-exist with a baby that cute? The only thing that brought me back was this picture, because it looks like Katie Holmes is abusing her daughter, which reminded me that I hate her Scientologist ass:

For real though, Suri is flippin adorable. She and my favorite celebrity spawn, Henry Seal Klum should mate. Is it too early for that? Suri looks strong, I bet she's ready to be with child.

Meanwhile, Jayden James begs wit his eyez to be rescued from his terrible excuse for a mother:

But Britney Spears did not notice her sons pleas, nor did she hear his screaming & crying. She was too busy ignoring him so she could tell a photographer that he was a fat fuck. Good to see that Britney's priorities are still in order. Katie Holmes may be a crazy Scientologist, but at least that baby knows how to pretend like nothing is wrong (Kinda). *sigh* Jayden James, you poor fat baby.

More Suri cuteness here

Jail totally looks FUN

2007-07-20T15:36:00.000-05:00

I don't know about y'all, but when I'm finally arrested and sentenced to life in prison for smuggling doughnuts into fat camps, I hope they send me to jail in the Philippines, because jail there looks fucking sweet. Here's a bunch of inmates dancing to Thriller. Do you think that at some point in Philippine history a common criminal used the age-old "If rocking out to Micheal Jackson is a crime, than lock me up and throw away the key!" defense, to which they did...thus starting this wonderful craze? I sure do hope so. Now we can officially say, "Stop your bellyaching, Paris Hilton! Jail ain't so bad!" and mean it. Enjoy your weekend, y'all!

Would you rather?

2007-07-20T13:04:00.002-05:00

Eat soup from the crater in Victoria Beckham's leg...

*more photos here*

OR?

Lick the underside of Star Jones-Reynold's flabby ass?

*more photos here*

Cutting out your tongue is not an option. Leave your answer in the comments.

Usher: Twat or Not-A-Twat

2007-07-20T12:41:00.000-05:00

He's certainly got the moves. He's got a catalogue of great jams that I celebrate often (more on that later). And he might be gay. But the question remains: Is Usher a Twat or Not-A-Twat. We're about to find out. Hey yo, pisswad, you're in my way...it's Blank or Not-A-Blank!

I'm a bit scared to focus on Ursha this week, as he is currently trying to shut down his biggest fan site for hating on his man of a fiance, Tameka Foster:

You look confused, unsure, and a little scared, Usher. As you should be. That ho is double-fisting drinks and you know she'll probably demand to put it in your pooper after she's had a few glasses of that champagne. But, I digress. If Usher wants to shut down his biggest fans simply because they are looking out for him and the well-being of his starfruit, whose to say his lawyers aren't going to come after me once they find out that I think he's a twat? Twat

You know that Usher recently fired his mom too, right? What is going on with all of these ungrateful hollywood stars nowadays? In case you forgot, Usher, your mom squeezed you out of her vagina, and that gives her the right to run your career anyway she sees fit. What do you think? She had you for fun? I'm having at least 10 kids in hope that I can live out my unfulfilled dreams out through them, just like the best & most successful Hollywood moms do. Twat

But wait, Usher had some great jams. Favorite Usher jams include:

and...

Ah, yes. I love the way he turns a coughing noise into a lyric, and how he eloquently uses the word "chew" to mean both "with you" and "what you do". Nothing short of brilliant, that U-S-H-E-R-R-A-Y-M-O-N-D. Not-A-Twat

Did you know that there is a disease called Usher syndrome? I think I have it. It is defined as:

Usher syndrome is the most common condition that involves both hearing and vision problems. The major symptoms of Usher syndrome are hearing impairment and retinitis pigmentosa, an eye disorder that causes a person's vision to worsen over time.

I'm pretty sure that I contracted Usher syndrome by being forced to hear the song Yeah everywhere I went during 2004-2005. Hearing that song made me stab myself in the ears rendering me hearing impaired. And everything I saw turned into an Usher bobblehead once I heard that annoying siren kick in. If that's not the definition of 'worsened vision' I don't know what is. Now I'm (even more) diseased (than I previously was). Thanks a lot, Usher. Twat

So far, it looks like that Ursha is most definitely a twat. Something else that I can safely say: I most definitely will be receiving a letter from Usher's "people" (read: man-wife) very soon. So hurry up! Weigh in, in the comments before the man (his literal man-wife) shuts us down! While you're doing that, I'll be...IN the CLUB with my HO-mies...oh god...not again!

SMACKDOWN

2007-07-20T11:36:00.000-05:00

Girl #1, I challenge you to a duel.

Or rather a slap-off a la Britney "Meal Ticket" Spears vs. Lynn "The One To Blame" Spears. I thinks it time the Jigga laid ~~some pipe~~ the smack down on you bitches, so Girl#1, and you too Girl#2 (even though your people fight with bombs), I challenge you both to an Emmy contest. The rules is simple, pick the winners in all major categories, and whoever gets the most right - me, will be the winner and owed the 40oz. of their choice by the losers - you two sluts. You game?

*my picks in bold*
AND THE NOMINEES ARE:

Drama Series
o Boston Legal
o Grey's Anatomy
o Heroes
o House
o The Sopranos

Comedy Series
o Entourage
o The Office
o 30 Rock
o Two and a Half Men
o Ugly Betty

Lead Actor in a Drama Series
o James Spader, Boston Legal
o Hugh Laurie, House
o Denis Leary, Rescue Me
o James Gandolfini, The Sopranos
o Kiefer Sutherland, 24

Lead Actress in a Drama Series
o Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters
o Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
o Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
o Patricia Arquette, Medium
o Minnie Driver, The Riches
o Edie Falco, The Sopranos

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
o William Shatner, Boston Legal
o T.R. Knight, Grey's Anatomy
o Masi Oka, Heroes
o Michael Emerson, Lost
o Terry O'Quinn, Lost
o Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
o Rachel Griffiths, Brothers & Sisters
o Katherine Heigl, Grey's Anatomy
o Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy
o Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy
o Aida Turturro, The Sopranos
o Lorraine Bracco, The Sopranos

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
o Ricky Gervais, Extras
o Tony Shalhoub, Monk
o Steve Carell, The Office
o Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
o Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
o Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives
o Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
o Tina Fey, 30 Rock
o America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
o Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
o Kevin Dillon, Entourage
o Jeremy Piven, Entourage
o Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
o Rainn Wilson, The Office
o Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
o Jaime Pressly, My Name Is Earl
o Jenna Fischer, The Office
o Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men
o Conchata Ferrell, Two and a Half Men
o Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty
o Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds

I don't think that half the people nominated deserve to be, so I highly doubt that the folks who deserve to win, will. Even though the Emmys are run by a bunch of old queens, I still love em. I hope you accept the challenge ladies. If so, put your picks in the comments. That goes for anyone else that wants to get in on this, too. When I undoubtedly kick all of your asses, I'll let you know where to send my 40oz. of King Cobra. Don't be a pussy! Fight me!

Whatchoo thinkin bout, Bana?

2007-07-20T10:06:00.000-05:00

Eric Bana is a thinking man's man. He just keeps thinking:

and thinking:

While it's nice of you to be pondering life's great mysteries, or simply reflecting on what you had for lunch, perhaps you should try a different pose? Ladies don't like men who think, unless they are thinking about decisions they will make for us, or what you want us to cook you for dinner. And just as a reminder, we also don't like iny weeny teeny weeny shriveled little short *edit* *short* men:

More Bana here

Don't LAUGH!!! You will surely EXPLODE!

2007-07-20T09:02:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry that I can't get over this. I have seen pregnant ladies before, but I don't know if I've ever seen anyone this preggo. There should be no laughing allowed when you have what must be a teenager growing inside of you. There should also be no walking, dressing, bathing, or movement of any kind, really. You should be forced to just lie in bed, naked & dirty - but unscathed, just waiting spread eagle for that teenager to army crawl its way out of your baby slide. Lay down, Naomi Watts! For the love of God, is it really necessary for you to be at the Gap right now?

Britney attends funeral for her career

2007-07-20T08:22:00.000-05:00

With her only friend held close to her dirty, diseased bosom, Britney Spears takes a deep breath, grabs her fanciest hat, and prepares to attend the long overdue burial of her now stagnant career.

Actually, she's trying to revive her stagnant career the only way she knows how. She threw this on:

Man, she's so pretty.

And she's trying to make a video. By the looks of her outfit, this is going to be the classiest, most beautiful video the world has ever seen. And in case you missed it yesterday, Britney went swimming in her underwear. Your welcome for not posting that here yesterday. Sorry for posting this.

For more of Britney practicing her "moves", go here.

Gary Dourdan whoops ass

2007-07-19T12:00:00.000-05:00

Gary Dourdan "beats the living crap out of TMZ photog" according to...well, TMZ.

Having watched all of the footage, a few things are very clear to me:

1) You shouldn't try to convince a person that spends countless amounts of time in front of a camera, that the one you are pointing at them is not really on.

2) The folks at TMZ are all celebrity stalking assholes, not much unlike our very own Girl #1

3) They could use a dictionary. From what I can tell, the ass whoopin' delivered was neither "shocking" nor was it "unprovoked"

4) Gary Dourdan is good looking brother, and frankly, I'd let him beat me / it up anytime.

Krusty-Wino anyone?

2007-07-19T11:23:00.000-05:00

On the left, Winona Ryder in the August issue of Vogue. On the right, Krusty the Clown. Who rocked the clown hair better, ya'll?

X-Tina has lost her mind

2007-07-19T09:40:00.000-05:00

Christina Aguilera defends Britney Spears' parenting skills, so reports Hollywood Scoop. I'm gonna blame this on the hormonal imbalance that the soon to be mother must be suffering from, because the compounding evidence, proves quite the contrary.

"Britney is a good person and a good mom." Aguilera says
I say, "REALLY!?"

This poor kid has no idea he's not being abducted. Look at the fear in his eyes! I know you don't really know this person, but I swear that the stinky, barefoot lady driving really is your mommy. If you're ever lost, little one, just remember the scent of fried chicken and Redbull and you'll find your way home.

C'mon X-Tina! The bitch almost dropped her fucking baby on the dirrty sidewalk!

She blamed this on being Southern and her daddy. I absolutely believe that Brit has some daddy issues, but I don't know how much he has to do with her almost killing her son. Again.

I don't know what's worse, Britney Spears being so balls out crazy, that she makes dead beat dad and all around douche, Kevin Federline, look like a more suitable parent,

or, that Christina Aguilera, who manages to always look a lil bit trampy and WAY too orange is about to poop out her very own slutty baby.

Fatty bites little guy. World wonders 'Why?'

2007-07-19T09:16:00.000-05:00

Something I'll never understand: Why dudes fight as a way of showing affection. "Oh my god! What happened to you??" I'll say to my imaginary French boyfriend Francois (who loves crepes and is a closeted homosexual) when he comes home late at night, profusely bleeding from the nose. "Oh, me and Bernard got in a fight", he responds. "Who is Bernard? A common street thug?" "Oh no, he's my friend - we were just fighting." What the hell is that?

Granted, I'm sure Francois' problem has more to do with how rough gay sex can get, but straight dudes do this shit all the time. Straight dudes like Suge Knight and Kevin Connelly from Entourage. It got so ~~hot & steamy~~ masculine and tough between these two, that Suge BIT Kevin, and Kevin bled all over the place. The NY Daily News reports:

Several sources tell us the two were playfully wrestling at the late-night after-party thrown by awards host LeBron James at the Mondrian hotel.

"Kevin and Suge were wrestling and Suge literally bit Kevin's finger," says a witness. "He was bleeding everywhere."

Was Kevin fighting back?

"No way! He was too busy bleeding."

Why would Suge Knight bite someone? Three possible reasons:

1) He watched this and remembered that he always aspired to be like Mike Tyson.

2) He got hungry, as fatties generally tend to do, and mistook Kevin's finger for a vanilla wafer.

3) He's finally realized the implications of this and is desperately trying to get his street cred back.

Why do you think this fatty bit the little guy? Leave your ideas, in the comments!

God, are you listening?

2007-07-19T08:30:00.000-05:00

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

Granted, this is much better than the bag lady chic look L.Boogie was recently seen rockin', it still ain't no good.Even Patti LaBelle gave up looking like a tranny space queen in the 80's.

Maybe you're not to blame Lauryn. Maybe, Jesus really can't hear the prayers of gays.

TAKE YOUR PICK

More pictures of Space-Lauryn here.

Gwen and her thugs ready to scrap

2007-07-19T08:10:00.000-05:00

Gwen Stefani is hoppin' mad at retail chain, Forever 21. Stefani is suing the company for the shameless rip off of some bullshit design on some of her bullshit clothes. You'll have to go somewhere else for details. You know I don't like doing that much work.

Question: Aren't Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. designs just a blatant copy and bastardization of Japanese culture? Or Madonna? Or any person that she happens upon?

Even though i think that this lawsuit is a WHOLE BUNCH of bullshit, (I mean, can you even sue for the theft of what was stolen to begin with?) I won't say anything else. Have y'all seen those Harajuku girls? They aren't the submissive china ladies that we are all used to, they is FIERCE! I have probably already said too much.

She Spits! She Spits!!!

2007-07-19T08:03:00.000-05:00

In what clearly must be a response to our recent query, the always gracious singer Amy Winehouse clears up any confusion by spitting at her fans. Sounds like this was a great show to be at:

Reports say Amy appeared to be in tears while onstage, hitting herself on the head with a microphone in frustration when she forgot the words to her songs, and a fan said she finished by spitting into the crowd.

Kinda sounds like an episode of the The Chris Farley Show, doesn't it? In other news, did you hear that Chris Farley has been reincarnated?

Source

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

2007-07-18T13:19:00.000-05:00

Crack baby, Frances Bean seen out and about with crack whore mother, Courtney Love.

I would feel bad for the girl, if I thought there was ever a shot in hell for her. Sorry Frank & Beans. You should rest easy knowing your Moms has held the title of most Fucked-up Bitch for the past 10 yrs. and no new meat like Britney/Paris/Lindsey/Nicole or whoever, will take it from her. You have a lot to be proud of, and aspire to. Good Luck!

This breaks my heart. Truly.

2007-07-18T12:45:00.000-05:00

Alls fair in love and celebrity blogging. I take much pleasure in writing hateful, spiteful, and generally bitchy things about people I only know through the articles I read off the internet or watch on some shitty entertainment TV show. I likes calling Britney Spears a fat, cheeto stained, train wreck. Lindsey Lohan is a whore. Why wouldn't I find joy in saying so?

This shit... this shit right here, it makes me want to start cutting myself again.

I am going to need some time before I can openly talk about it, so in the meantime, I think I'll just send a letter.

Dear Ms. Hill,
Why do you looks like an old, sweaty, French, homeless, whore. Why so much rouge Lauryn? Why are you wearing so many Goddamn layers? I know them stage lights is hot! Why are holding that towel if you don't plan on using it? Are those feathers on your collar? Are those pants I see under your boobs? L.Boogie, what the hell is going on with you?

I have also read that you have been hittin' cities giving concerts equivalent to the outfit you sportin' . I still like your music Lauryn Hill (even the cryptic new shit) but I really need you to not try to pull some shit like this again. I can't let it slide. Next time you step out, take five things off. And NO, socks don't count! I imagine since you are homeless now, you're wearing more than a few pair. Also, wipe off some of that GD makeup. You're better than that. I hope you learn your lesson and get better soon.

Sincerely, Jigga the Nigga

*Please take a moment out of your day and let the video below play while you send up a prayer for Lauryn Hill. Let's all heal and grow together.*

There are no words for this

2007-07-18T11:49:00.000-05:00

Except maybe one: Mutha-fuckin-OUCH. (the dashes make that one word. That's some knowledge you won't find in dumbass books)

The effect of too many blows to the head. And drugs

2007-07-18T11:28:00.000-05:00

This video has probably been out for a while, but no matter, watch it anyway. I almost forgot how crazy Mike Tyson is. This shit will change your life. And not for the better.

Reading: So NOT hot right now

2007-07-18T10:51:00.000-05:00

Fresh on the heels of his groundbreaking new song, 50 Cent has decided to represent himself in a totally different & unexpected way. This time he talks about why he rules, and why everyone else sucks. Wait, thats what he's always done? Ah, well... The reason this time? Books. In an interview with XXL, fiddy was all:

You have people that are extremely book smart that lack common sense so they don’t know what’s going to affect their audience. They have more information than me based on reading. For instance, Nas is a really smart guy. He reads books constantly. We were around him on the Nastradamus tour. He was almost weirder than me ’cause we would go to breakfast and he’d be there reading a book. Conceptually, I think that’s what made him drift away from what his initial audience enjoys from him and why he’s not hot right now.

Because he reads too much?
Yes. He’s feeding you too much information in the music and they don’t actually want it. He’s like a teacher.

But you’re obviously really intelligent.
Absolutely. Smart enough not to overwhelm people with information.

Ugh - Reading. How weird and disgusting. Everyone, we've learned yet another valuable lesson from 50 Cent today: Keep it simple & dumb - like talking about how stanky rich you are - in order to preserve your hotttness. Man, 50 Cent is smart. But not gross book-smart. He's street smart. Like that show Street Smarts! Man, I'm so glad I always chose to watch that show instead of reading a stupid, dumbass book. Thank you, 50 Cent, for keeping anything intelligent or worth listening to out of your music.

I want to eat Henry Seal Klum

2007-07-18T09:47:00.000-05:00

BLAAAAAAARRRRGGG! Stop it. Stop it right now, Henry Seal Klum. You are already my favorite celebrity baby, so why must you keep turning up the cute? I want to put you in a meat grinder, make a baby sausage and eat you. Like so:

More here

Brit's bringing slapping back

2007-07-18T08:05:00.000-05:00

Well, looks like Britney Spears has finally gone and done something worthy of respect. According to The Scoop, Britney and her mom got into a "shocking slapfest" in June. Unfortunately, many details are left out. Who slapped who first? How long did said "slapfest" last? Were they wearing gloves? Were any gloves removed prior to slapping? So many questions! I do appreciate that the Spears clan are finally bringing back a past-time that did so much for our society. Didn't like how someone was talking to you? Slap them. Like the way someone is talking to you? Slap them! We use far too many words to express how we feel nowadays, when practically every emotion could be summed up with a simple slap. That Bud Light commercial that aired during the Super Bowl this year (that was allegedly ripped off from this) began to touch on this phenomenon:

I think we all have been looking at the behavior of one Ms. Britney Jean Spears in an unfair way. She's just trying to bring us back to the good old days, man! The days where people slapped each other, kids raised themselves, and physical appearance and good hygiene were rarely fussed over. I'll be signing up for lessons from Britney, right after I'm through with my other summer class.

YIKES!!

2007-07-17T14:03:00.000-05:00

Val Kilmer is a FATTY! Don't even try to front like this is for a movie role ala Janet Jackson, or Travolta. What happened to you Val?

Scott Baio hasn't banged a hot chick since '93

2007-07-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

And whats the fastest way to get you some hot chick poonani?

Be on the TV. And friends, that is just what Chachi is doing. I had the unfortunate experience of watching an episode of Scott Baio Is 45 and Single late last night ( i was drunk and wasn't thinking straight) and it is CRAP! But I get the feeling that you already knew that. It did how ever get me thinking about all the puss Baio used to get.

He used to bone Pamela Anderson

He used to get up in Heather Locklear

He even porked Nicolette Sheridan

And there's more! Brooke Sheilds, Nicole Eggert, and, God help me, even Liza Minnelli all had a piece.

Regardless of all the tang you used to score, your show is shit, Scott Baio! But, I do commend you for the effort. If being on the TV worked for an ass ugly guy like Flava Flav, why wouldn't it work for you? Just know that the effects only last for a season. Do you think that Flav will ever bang a bitch this hot again? Probably not.

Who is petting the kitty?

2007-07-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

Who dares to grab hold of the bearded clam?

Who is trying to close the beef curtains??

Who is trying pat the little man in the boat on the head???

Why, it's none other than Posh & Becks!

Anyone watch her "reality" show last night? I did for about 5 minutes, then I took a crap and pushed it around in the toilet for the remaining 55 minutes, which I still think was a better use of my time. Did she fool you into liking her? Do you want to test out the baby slide, just like David is doing? Feel free to let us know, in the comments!

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