Friday, September 14, 2007

Vincent Gallo has a real wang, can cause cancer



STR-ETCH!

Holy crap. It's been a while, eh? Let me wiggle my buns back into the throne of gossip. Hmmm - feels a bit strange, perhaps my balls have grown since we last talked? Hey! Speaking of balls - if you saw the movie Brown Bunny, first - I'm sorry. And second, you may or may not have seen Vincent Gallo's real live wang! Apparently him and some dude are in a heated e-mail battle over the authenticity of said wang that Girl #2's favorite celebrity Chloe Sevigny gave suckle to. Page Six reports on this breaking story:

Gallo ranted in an e-mail: " 'The Brown Bunny' is an ultra-low-budget film. With that in mind, the expense to create a prosthetic that could pass on film would be well out of the film's budget, and so far no one has come close to making such a thing pass as real...Why then does Scheck promote doubt about the scene's authentic nature? I speculate it's because Mr. Scheck most likely has a very small, ugly penis and needs to believe that only in make-believe does anyone have one like mine!"


Oh man! I haven't heard wang insults like this since I peeped into the high school boys locker room. Yesterday. But the fun doesn't stop there. Page Six chose to end this story with this gem:

Gallo is well known for his off-the-wall insults. He once called critic Roger Ebert a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader" and wished cancer on him for a bad review. Ebert eventually did come down with the disease.


That's right folks, if Gallo wishes pain & suffering upon you - you better be prepared to face the impending consequences. So, Roger Ebert, maybe you'll think twice next time before giving Gallo a bad review. That is, unless you die of the cancer that he caused before you can review his next wonderful masterpiece work of cinematic genius. I can't believe I've been mistaken all these years! I always thought that Gallo's disease inflicting powers were limited to just looking at him and catching the HIV. Glad I read Page Six today and was corrected.

Man...that felt kinda good! Maybe we'll continue to post every now and again. Thanks for remaining so true to us, loyal readers. Like Girl #2 said - don't call it a comeback. We still probably won't be posting at the same frequency as we used to - but maybe we'll make a moderate effort going forward. One thing I can assure you is...this shit's far from over.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Its Called a H-I-A-T-U-S.

Afternoon loyal readers. Many of you have wondered what has happened to this blog. When you spend months researching the ins and outs of the lives of all of our beloved celebrities, you tend to start thinking like them. Thus, you have experienced what many of you do all the time with some of your favorite or least favorite celebrities: A HIATUS. Sometimes you need it to rejuvenate the soul, or maybe spend some time in rehab. Or as many of the celebrities we talk about on this very blog, sometimes you just need time to soak in the fact that you suck and maybe shouldn't come back at all.

Don't call it a comeback. Just call it a little refresher on what you may have missed since we here at TGG went on hiatus. Afterall, we don't want to end up in rehab, shaving our heads and reminscing about the days when daddy used to love us but obviously turned us into whores (ahem Lindsay Lohan).

Also coming back from her long hiatus aka going completely insane was our beloved Britney Spears. Ah, yes, she certainly pleased us all at the VMAs, no?
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How wonderful was it to see her sluggish, out of shape body prove once again to everyone that she is a talentless has-been never shoulda been in the first place piece of trash? Despite my absolute hatred for Britney, I personally wanted to jump into the television and make her move a little faster than a snail's pace because she even made me feel bad for her worthless career!
But not too bad to stop me from posting this awful picture which I think sums up her terrible "comeback" performance and essentially her pathetic life.
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Keep truckin' Brit! But to all the readers, for the love of God, please DO NOT buy her new CD or say you like it.

Britney was also causing a stir with another big timer in the music biz. Yes, he has the #1 single right now but he is also the #1 whiny ass crybaby of all time. Kanye West. And boy did he have some words for MTV! How dare they shun him from winning any awards. As usual, West played the race card, and bitched and moaned at MTV's choice to have Blubber Britney open the award show.
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He was seen on national television spouting: "MTV hates Black People." Which caused a rush of people to go out and buy his CD so he can defeat 50 Cent in their gangsta CD war. Good luck Kanye, you'll certainly win the most annoying between the two. When MTV tried to make amends, Kanye flipped them the bird. Some dead crow he found on stage after Britney performed. Oh that Kanye, you can't tell him nothin'! RIIIGHT?

Also happening while we were away, the View announced its new permanent host! Forgetting what happened the last time they let a big fat black lady be a host (Starr Jones), the View chose this lady:
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I couldn't tell you what her name was but I'm sure the cost of breakfast on the view will certainly escalate. Why didn't they just ask Monique?

For the sci-fi readers you will be interested to know that while we were on hiatus America was attacked by one of the most lethal aliens in the history of alien attacks!
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We're told it is less harmless if you waive around a fried chicken leg and pretend to take FIERCE photos of it. Beware though either way if you ask me.

Our hiatus was not long enough for Chloe Sevigny to stop being ugly, mannish or hideously fashion illiterate. She is always someone that makes me wonder, if you puke, but no one is there to hear it or see it, are you really puking or is that person just the ugliest bitch in Hollywood?
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But some things that don't change aren't so bad. Without her brutal looks, I'd have less to blog about.

And lastly we must report some sad news. While we were away one of the greatest singers of our grandparents generation died.
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Mr. Pavarotti of the 3 Tenors succumbed to his layers of lard that hindered the flow of blood through his arteries to his heart and just like that, he was gone. I actually think he died of some other reason, but lets face it, that had to have something to do with it. It appears we have heard the last operatic howl from the fat man in the tuxedo and yes, while he isn't a super celebrity among blogs, is worth mentioning. The other tenors have worked vigorously through this difficult time to find a replacement. Sources say they are leading towards a female addition.
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At least this way they do not need to pay for a new wardrobe. That lady is going to be famous!

Well, dear friends, I sure hope this has brought you up to speed. We certainly couldn't cover everything we missed and not sure if our stance from hiatus is a clear return, but hopefully as we begin to feel more comfortable to our return to the spotlight, we will please you all again.