Friday, August 17, 2007

WTF Files: D'Angelo

Jesus FUCKING Christ! What the hell happened to D'Angelo?

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Remember when he looked like the kind of guy you would let put his penis anywhere near you?

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Usher, beware! This is what happens when you go too long without a hit record.

It all makes sense. Depressing, Horrific Sense.

OH HAI!!! What's been going on in the interwebs these days? I've been so busy! Are those I Can Has Cheezburger things still bringing the LOL's? I sure do hope so! Look what else I found!

HA! It's funny because it goes "dun...dun...DUNNNN!" and then the...ha...the chip...he turns...around! HA! Truly epic LULZ! Send that one around to your friends with the headline "OMG I JUST FOUND THIS!" I think they'll appreciate it.

Anyhoo - I'm sure you've been dying to hear what I have to say about teh gossips. Well, taint much going on m'friends. There's this new "couple":

So if you weren't sure if you should believe what I said about him being a giant, raging douchebag - I'm pretty sure that the case is beyond reasonable doubt at this point. Yes, these two wastes of life should be pretty happy together. Because their happiness is measured by such things as: making fun of poor people, looking at themselves in the mirror, making fun of minorities, and sticking their privates in any hole/on any pole. Good luck you two, you won't need it.

And in further depressing/horrific/I don't think I can do this anymore news, look at this:

Someone please, save that child. She's paralyzed by fear and pretty soon Paris is going to confuse her for walking/talking penis and try to wrap her vagina around her. That is tragic and sick. Help that mini-fire crotch!

And finally...did you hear that Amy Winehouse is going to rehab?

There she goes, guys! She's THONG her way to rehab! HA! No wait...I got a better one. They tried to make her go to rehab and she said OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME! Oh man! That's almost as good as the dramatic chipmunk above. And with that (OR with this if you've been missing our NSFW action. Unfortunately, it's not a wang, or probably anything you'd want to see), I'm out. Till next time!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Foxy Brown's Blackberry Message.

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Even though the crazy bitch is deaf (although i'm wondering if she just moved her hair away from her ears if that would help), Foxy Brown really likes all the features she gets from her Blackberry phone, especially the one labeled "WEAPON". The crazy Roc-a-Fella diva was recently reported to have struck someone repeatedly using her Blackberry phone. Now when you call Foxy Brown and get her voicemail this is what you hear:

"What up bitches and playas, its Foxy Brown. I can't be answering my phone at this time as it is currently being used to beat the living shit out of yet another person, maybe even your shawty. YEAH THATS RIGHT THATS HOW WE DO! If you're lookin' for L'il Kim then you have me mistaken for the wrong slut, but you can still lick my clit. HOLLA!"


Where did it all go wrong for Mel? I think a time line might help.

October, 2006 - Melanie Brown and Eddie Murphy, (who is rumored to be a raging queen) are confirmed as dating and having a baby.

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"We're in love and get on really well. All the children have met and get on too - it's like a great big happy family. I can't wait to spend Christmas with him and I can't wait to have this baby." -Mel B.

December, 2006 - Eddie tells Scary and unborn baby to kick rocks.

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"I don't know whose child that is until it comes out and has a blood test." -Eddie Murphy

February, 2007 - Melanie begins dating long time friend and music producer, Stephen Belafonte.

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April, 2007 - After several months of looking
busted, bastard child born and unfortunately named Angel Iris Murphy Brown.

June, 2007 - Court-ordered paternity test confirms Eddie Murphy as being the father of lil' Angel Brown.

June, 2007 - Melanie Brown and Stephen Belafonte quietly wed in Las Vegas.

June, 2007 to present - Mel B. suffers countless ass beatings from her new hubby.
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* Girl, don't you know not to raise your voice or your hand to nigga you KNOW will hit your ass?*

Mel B's new husband Stephen Belafonte battered an ex-lover during a drink-fuelled frenzy that court papers described as "malicious and unlawful".

The 'roids this guy has coursing through his veins must have shrunk his brain along with his balls, as he claims the aforementioned beating "Happened crazily, one drunk, retarded night." because he was "confused and stressed."

First, Mel hooks up with Eddie Murphy and after a couple months wants to be with him forever but Eddie ain't feelin it, and pulls some cloak and dagger, now you see me now you don't shit. (you know gays don't like commitment) Now,
Scary has gotten herself into a whole new mess of problems by marrying this fool. Saying that she has daddy issues is pretty much the equivalent of pulling the race card, but I think that it certainly applies here.

I don't think your girl power is gonna get you out of this one, but good luck Mel!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Shiloh is wasted

Someone needs to tell little Queen Shiloh to lay off the sauce. I know living with three adopted/less important children is hard to cope with, but don't drink your pain away little one. You will rule us all someday! Meanwhile, Zahara takes this opportunity to claim her rightful place in the spotlight:

That's right, girl! Ham it up while that white baby is drunk! You have claimed the right to be called "second most important next to Shiloh" - a title that Maddox once held. And that boy is none to pleased with his placement at the bottom of the Jolie-Pitt ranks:

Back of the line, Maddox! Someone better give that boy some attention and quick. He's got a rage about him that I am not to eager to see in full effect. And then there's that other asian baby...Hmmmm - nothing really interesting to say about him. He's boring and should be traded for an Indian or a Samoan.

More pics of the Royal Family here (they're in Chicago, bitches!).