Friday, August 10, 2007

SECRET RENDEZVOUS

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal is boning. There have been rumors of the two ducking and diving out of motels and having secret lunches and shit.

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She made me laugh in Freeway, he made me bone up in Brokeback Mountain . I truly hope that they are having some bomb ass sex. From the looks of their matching shit- eating grins, it looks like they are.

*here's to you Withergyllen*

Hmmm...crab cakes

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Are we surprised to see Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston on the town after the divorce? Nope. As we all know, a family that breaks rocks together, stays together. Are we shocked to see them both looking red eyed and shiny? Hell to the NO! You know they was just hittin' the pipe a hot second ago. The only thing new, and in my opinion, funny about this is the fact that they dine at Joe's Crab Shack.

I guess when you spend 730,000 on drugs (Allegedly. We ain't found them receipts yet) sometimes the Shrimp Shack is the best you can do. Look for Whitney and Bobby at an IHOP near you!

Polka dots, pearls, and fringe. Oh my!


I have nothing to say, except that this hurts my heart.

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Doing this brings me no joy at all and I can see it hurts you too Lauryn.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

You're no Striptease.

Okay, I know that she was outed as a pothead from her myspace page or something like that, but someone needs to take the joints away from Rumer Willis. For one, she is making pot smokers look bad. People already think smoking pot will make you run over little girls on bikes or shoot your best friend with your dad's loaded shotgun. So pot dealers, cut her off. Either that or daddy needs to get Die Hard on her ass and ask her wtf she was thinking when she decided to do this:

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Other than the blantantly obvious answer - she smoked crack thinking it was pot - my only other guess would be that this is an homage to her parents. Her mom, Demi is represented by her looking like a slut and showing off her side boob once she lifts her arms. Her father, Bruce or Ashton for that matter, because really what is the difference, is represented clearly by the dunce cap.

What are you thoughts/guesses? Let us know in the comments!

Chocolate Rain LIVE!



Tay Zonday was on Jimmy Kimmel Live. He speaks! Do you think Tay would play at my birthday party next year? I can think of no better way to ring in the anniversary of my birth than by Chocolate Rain on repeat for countless hours. I would also like him to read me bedtime stories...into my vagina. I think I'm in love with this man.

Keep your Fun Hole clean



When Terrence Howard isn't being fangled in the fun hole, he's going to great lengths preserving the cleanliness of it. When wiping your ass, according to TH, you can't just use paper on that (literal) shit. You best have some baby wipes in your bathroom if you want Terrence Howard to not have sex with you. He elaborates an interview with Elle:

On his relationship philosophy:

"If a relationship is built on sexuality, it won't last long. Now I'm completely chaste through a relationship unless I get married. I don't believe in premarital sex. It enabled me to date three or four women at the same time, because as long as I wasn't having sex with them, I could always just walk away. There were some [past girlfriends] who pushed for sex, and sometimes they won. Afterward, I would feel unclean, like I'd compromised my own values. So I would have to let them go because they didn't help me to be a stronger person."


On his deal-breaker:

"Toilet paper - and no baby wipes - in the bathroom. If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."


Since there is no sex, I assume that Terrence gets off by having his lady friends gently lay him down, lift up his legs, and peer into his hole of fun before they wipe it clean with a moist towelette. Then he demands to be wrapped in swaddling cloths and cooed to sleep. And wouldn't you know it? That just so happens to be my specialty. Don't judge Terrence. It's hard out here for a man-baby. Come to mama, Terrence. I've got a whole carton of baby wipes with your name on it.


Source

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Wang Wednesday: Antonio Banderas!

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click for NSFW version

Welcome to the second installment of Wang Wednesday! My dog Betty Bacon isn't so sure how she feels about this vintage Antonio Banderas wang. She likes his curly hair, and his young, come hither look. But she does not like how he's just standing there with his wang out for all to see. She's trying to warn you not too look. The choice, however, is ultimately up to you. She is also taking Antonio by the hand in an effort to communicate the only way a dog knows how. She's telling him, "Please, Antonio, don't hurt 'em". But Antonio does not listen.

WTF happened to Janeane Garofalo?



Are those catty, superficial lesbians getting to you, girl? Listen, Janeane Garofalo, don't go all anorexic on us just to keep the lipstick lesbian crowd. You'll always have the butch ones that will continue to think you're gay no matter what you tell them! And their standards are really, really low. So low, in fact, that you can walk into a truck stop wearing nothing but a potato sack and just point to your vagina until one of them crawls out from behind the claw machine and takes you into the cab of her semi to have her way with you...so I've heard...

Anyhoo - you should really eat something. I know that Air America thing didn't really work out, but that's no reason to starve yourself! Just four short years ago, you looked like this:



What a difference four years makes. That look, at least the hair, wasn't really that great - but at least you were eating AND keeping the lesbians in check. Pull yourself together, girl! You have a sweet movie coming out! All is not lost!

Britney Spears is most certainly not too hot for the hot tub



Perhaps starting this blog was not the best idea for me. I used to love all of this celebrity bullshit. "What?! What's that you say? Britney Spears skewered her sons, doused them in barbecue sauce, grilled them on her George Foreman lean mean grilling machine and served them to her house guests, who were comprised of slightly deformed lesbian midgets???? Fucking SWEET!" was generally my reaction to the crazy antics of the rich & famous. Now, I'm finding myself increasingly disgusted, but mostly just bored. Like when The Sun breaks the exclusive about some douchebag getting freaky in a pool with Britney:

Britney’s assistant hand-picked Mike and a group of male pals to go to her hotel for drinks by the pool.
Mike explained: “Britney was drinking Mojitos and she’d been drinking some Jack Daniel’s
“Suddenly she shocked everyone by just stripping out of her top.
“She went into the pool topless - her boobs were exposed and she had a drink in her hand and a hat on with sunglasses.”


How can anyone...ANYONE...be shocked by anything this ho does anymore? Now, if she took her top off and in place of her boobs there were 1,000 tiny machine guns that shot bubbles...maybe, just maybe I would be shocked by that. But honestly, at this point, I'd probably just shrug and move on. Basically, this post is an excuse to post this video, which is much more entertaining that anything Ms. Spears has ever done or will do:

Our First Retraction



Some time ago, I asked celebrities to stop going to Disney World. I'd like to amend that statment to: Everyone but Will Ferrel, stop going to Disney World. There is something oddly charming about old man Ferrel sitting in a teacup with the dainty Mad Hatter that I'd just like to see more of. Keep up the good work, Will. I'm sorry I tried to restrict your greatness.

Monday, August 6, 2007

ITS A...

According to In Touch, the new life trying to eat its way out of Nicole Richie's body, is a BOY!

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* Joel was just about to finish the oft used fist pump, when Nicole stopped him with, "No, no. We aren't that excited. Put it down. "*

Joel Madden is understandably happy, sources say. He'll have someone to play catch with or teach whatever crap instrument he plays in his crap band. Nicole however, is mildly impressed and greatly disappointed. Who will she pass on her remarkable fashion sense and anorexia, or I guess bulimia now cause she supposedly eats every hour. Well here's hoping that the lil Richie Madden will inherite his father's good looks and his mother's disdain for food...and things that aren't drugs.

Usher Walks Dog Down Aisle

Just one week after the alleged pregnancy scare, Usher and fiancé (as in a MAN engaged to be married. I bet that one went right over your head didn't it? I may be a darky but I gots my GED!) Tameka Foster finally wed on Friday.

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In a closed casket private ceremony, Tameka put the final nail in Usher's coffin. It's one thing to fuck an ugly chick, but to marry her and have a kid with her just ain't right. I had my suspicions about the SIKE! these two fools pulled last week, but this shit confuses me. What could possibly make a bone inducing, stud like Usher marry a horse faced, icy bitch like Tameka Foster? Blood money? A mean case of dick herp that Usher is too scared to pass on? Usher is gay? Any suggestions? Leave em in the comments.

ICYMI: French Song



Flight of the Concords is still awesome. Just so you know.