Friday, August 3, 2007

When did Hilary Duff become a whore?

I know that it is all the rage to be a whore nowadays, Nicole Richie is getting a lot of press for being a pregnant (and unwed) whore, Lindsey's a drunken whore, Britney's a crazy whore...Paris. But you really got to ease up a little bit.

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Please give your coin purse some room to breathe or you're going to end up having to use Rihannas Yeast Infection Cream for the rest of your natural life.

Oh Shit! The best thing ever!

I'm sure our fair Jigga had no idea how poignant the title of his recent post about R. Kelly and the release of the new chapters of Trapped in the Closet would be. How could he have known that in the preview for the new chapter, R. Kelly would utter the words "Oh Shit" or "Aw Shit" a countless number of times. I'm beyond excited for the release of new chapters now. This preview promises: more of Rosie the nosy neighbor, the midget will be wearing a leather vest with no shirt on underneath, someone is getting chased by helicopters, R. Kelly gets multiple guns pointed at his face, and there will be a gospel choir. In other words, this will rule.

What I learned from the new Gap ads

Gap decided to get all le art on our asses by hiring famed photographer Annie Leibovitz to shoot their latest campaign. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this series, as it has given me insight into some of the darkest corners of the celebrity psyche that I was comfortable not knowing about. Things such as:

What Ken Wantanabe looks like when he wants me to come and get it:

What Forest Whitaker looks like when he's trying to sneak one by:

Who the shit is Twyla Tharp and why is she trying to show me her old lady vagina? Is this supposed to make me want to buy khakis?

And finally, I've learned that Sarah Silverman is generally unimpressed with her ability to do a pelvic thrust.

See more celebrities trying to trick you into thinking that the Gap is cool here.

America's next STOP model.

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Apparently Tyra Banks has turned in her modeling shoes to become a kite. Tyra is so versatile!

Good luck with that - watch out for the trees!

Thursday, August 2, 2007

The shoulda-coulda-woulda

Years from now, us bloggers on TGG will look back on today and wonder, why didn't we post more? Well, when that time comes, we will apologize for our lack of posts. We might spend all day saying to ourselves, shoulda-coulda-woulda, but until then, lets focus on someone who probably says this everyday of her life...

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this represents 'SHOULDA', as in, Britney shoulda stuck to being a semi-whore who only whored around with one guy - Justin Timberlake and for the most part always had on her underwear and a full head of hair.

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this represents 'COULDA', as in, although this is probably a fake photo Britney had the world before her and she definitely could have avoided all this if she put her college education to use. Oh, I guess you would need one first, before you could put it to use. And thats any education for that matter.

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lastly, this represents 'WOULDA', as in, it woulda been nice if someone told Britney that having sex can equal babies, and having sex with Kevin Federline almost guarantees it. Oh yah, and babies are hard work and they are, contrary to Britney's prior belief, not fake. When you hold them down their eyes do not automatically shut like baby dolls do. This was a tough one for her to grasp.

Anyway, I will leave you with promises of wonderful posts to come on days when we might not have work we get paid to do.

such as one simponizing themselves...
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until next time readers - drive fast and take chances!

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Old ladies lookin like bobble heads

Aren't eating disorders solely for young girls trying to cope with their ever changing bodies and daddy issues? Aren't these bitches too old to be doing this shit?

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I bet they'd eat more if they knew that having no meat on your bones makes you look older.

WTF Files: Britney Spears

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Choices is hard. Now, I ain't nobody's daddy, but I bet that having to deal with kids is not easy. Should you feed them carrots or Cheetos? Milk or Jack and diet soda? Do you have to change their diapers every time they make a stinky? Babies like tacos right? Bleaching a 22 month olds teeth ain't dangerous is it? I know I sure as shit wouldn't know what to do, and I bet you wouldn't either.

I do know however, that if my parenting skills were constantly being questioned (as they should be) I would ask somebody who knows. Or, I would hire a fucking nanny! C'mon now Britney! If you hire someone responsible to take care of your kids you won't have to spend any time with them at all. You can spend all of your time nursing the tiny shred of fame you have left.

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Kurt Russell's Wang!

Kurt Russell Penis

Yeah! That's right! Who wants to see some 56 year old wang??? You know that you do. Go ahead, click on the image! Feast your eyes on Stuntman Mike's shifter! On Dr. Curtis McCabe's tongue depressor! On Snake Plissken's snake!!! It's Wang Wednesday!!! (Shall we make Wang Wednesday the official new regular feature on the blog? Let us know in the comments!)


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Get ready bitches! Trapped In The Closet: Chapters 13-22 will be out on DVD 8/21. Here's a quick recap for all of you who don't know.

Ain't that some shit?

Contrary to what I believe, Nicole Richie has told Diane Sawyer that she really is pregnant. Notice how I say "I believe" - present tense. I still believe that she is not pregnant. How can a malnourished, 80lb, sack of skin conceive a baby? No, she's just using this as her "get out of jail free card" - and if she can avoid jail time, then I'm sure she'll "miscarry". She said she's 4 months pregnant! Sweet lord...if that is true...No! I refuse to believe it. This is how I cope with the possibility that Nicole Richie will soon be responsible for the life of another human being; straight-up denial. I won't believe your lies, Nicole Richie! I'll believe you when I actually see the anorexic baby emerge from your baby slide. And you all know when that will be:

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Guess I'll just settle for the Spice Girls

In an interview in Scratch magazine Wyclef Jean puts Lauryn Hill on blast.

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"Lauryn is straight up the problem, bro. She wants to be a producer. Don’t come telling us how to chop up beats so you can get credit for it."

This in addition to the comments Pras recently made, I think its safe to say any dreams of a Fugees reunion have been laid to rest. I am torn. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loves me some Lauryn Hill and how much I want not to believe that she is on as much bullshit as everyone says, but...
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket can I? It's too hard not to think that L.Boogie ain't gone and lost her shit when she keeps showing up places looking like a sweaty, puffy vagabond. I think that all the Fugees need to get get back to form, is to hire Lauryn a stylist. No one will think you have flipped your wig if you don't look like you have. The music soon will follow.

*better days*

Funny & Not Funny all at the same time

Here's a picture of Courtney Love that is funny:

Ha! What the hell happened to her! She looks like Janice from the muppets!:

Here's a picutre of Courtney Love that is not really that funny:

Jesus Christ...What the hell happened to her? Put those glasses back on, honey. I prefer comedy to depression. In fact, you should do a jig or something in order to help me forget that sad image. No? You don't jig, Courtney? Fine...I'll do my own jig, let me just find some jams to jig to...


In an essay in Glamour Star Jones cops to having gastric bypass surgery.

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

In other breaking news, grass is green and fire be hot.

Amy's Jacked Up...

Literally. By Jack Daniels.

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Only this horseface can get away with open intoxication while driving. Some people get to a point where they are drunk so much, its no longer being drunk, its just being normal. Amy Winehouse is one of these people. Either that or she is the least photogenic person I have ever seen. I'm going to go with a little of both. There is a name for people like Amy - drunken whore.

I've got nothing against drinking, but you know its a problem when you start offering services to a drunk leprechaun in exchange for helping you find your bottle of Jack.

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Thats one unlucky leprechaun, but I do hear she gives some nice head.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Think about the kids, Britney

(lots more kids getting scared/mildly injured at Buzzfeed)

Oh lawd, what a day! Since there is really nothing that great going on in the gossip world, I leave you this video of a kid almost having a heart attack. Is it a coincidence that this happened while he was lip synching to Britney Spears? I think not. Britney, we know you ain't thinking about how your actions are going to leave lasting, irreversible, negative impressions on your children. So perhaps you would change your ways if you were faced to think about the children of the world? They are, in fact, our future:

And finally, here is some extended footage from the upcoming movie The Golden Compass. I'm sort of a nerd, and I'm TOTALLY FLIPPIN EXCITED for this movie. Get over the hate for talking animals, y'all haters. This movie is going to rule:

Bono is Fat

Its not the first time I have criticized the lead singer from U2, and it certainly wont be the last. Its obvious that I can't stand him. But for good reasons usually.

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When did Bono get so fat?? First off, I almost didn't recognize him and for a moment, mistook him for Robin Williams.

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So if that is really Robin Williams, I apologize. I don't care if you are fat or if you eat the Africans food because you don't patronize me when I don't help out poor people.

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Why is he telling people to send money and food and relief to Africa when its clearly never getting to poor people that are hungry and need it. Its obvious that Chubbo formerly known as Bono is eating it all or spending all the money on food and forgetting to puke it up.

That's fine though. Keep getting fat, Bono. I can't wait for you to release your first album as the lead singer for U2XXXXL.


She can feel it coming in the air tonight

Hold me tight, puppy, while I squeeze out a deuce.

And in today's obligatory "What crazy shit is Britney Spears doing now" news - she's having a breakdown while she films a sexy repulsive pole dance for her latest video:

This shit is getting really exhausting for me. Basically she looked a mess, and normally I would say that I was excited for this trash video to come out - but this has finally passed the point of amusing, and now can definitely be classified as straight up depressing. At one point, she allegedly "stared vacantly into the camera while she clutched her Yorkie puppie" and she "sobbed hysterically at the end of filming". I don't know what to say about this anymore. Britney's career and sanity are drowning, and I, like Phil Collins, am too far away to do anything about it. Nor would I really want to. I can feel Britney's Breakdown (version 3.0) coming in the air tonight. Get ready for it y'all.

More photos here

Trend Alert: Blackface!

I'd like to present this is reason #3,235,986 that I don't watch the recently cancelled (Thank God!) piece of shit that is The Simple Life:

"Why, Girl #1, what's wrong with that?" you might find yourself asking, "She just looks overly tanned, per usual!".

That, my friends, is Paris Hilton's attempt at blackface. Yes, she was "transformed" into a "black" for her show. Nicole Richie did it too! Even more offensively, and unnecessarily, since she is actually part black:

Sweet lord. Honestly, I'm just jealous of the heiress. I was planning on bringing blackface back for a long time, but was going to wait until Fall 2K7 to debut my new look. That Paris, always one up on me...especially when it comes to highly offensive behavior.

Usher calls off shotgun wedding

Usher and Tameka Foster's wedding ended in the same manner that their relationship began, in a shroud of secrets and lies, and with an air of suspicion.

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Hours before the afternoon ceremony was to take place in Southampton, N.Y., Usher's publicist Patti Webster issued the following statement:

"It was announced today that the wedding ceremony for Usher Raymond IV and Tameka Foster was canceled. No additional information will be given regarding the circumstances of the cancellation, but we hope the privacy of this matter will be respected."

The speculation as to why the wedding was called off is endless, and you know they ain't talkin' so I'll just have to give you my top 5 reasons.

1) The couple have too many differences. People Magazine reports that the "bride" wanted to serve guests ( Janet Jackson and Beyonce among them) barbeque and Usher wanted some siddity renown chef to serve some fancy shit. I'm with Tameka on this one, black people love BBQ! Plus the thought of her sucking the meat off a rack of ribs is funny. And a lil bit frightening.

2) Usher don't wanna be nobody's daddy! Y'all know that bitch got three kids already by, I can only assume, three different men.

3) A bitch got a record
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4)Usher needs his Mama. As a mamas boy, I can understand. Who is going devote themselves to raising you and making sure you're happy? It's not that Tameka bitch, she already got kids to take care of. Who will constantly dote on you and make you feel as if no other woman will ever be good enough for you, forcing you to run into the arms of the first guy that touches you inappropriately? Mama will.

5) The couple is too much alike. In a Boys Don't Cry kind of twist, Usher realized that the woman he was boning and supposedly knocked up, was really a dude that he was just putting it in the ass with and did not get pregnant. Cause it's impossible !