Friday, July 27, 2007

U-G-L-Y ...

There are few things I hate more than ugly babies, (Violet Affleck, I'm talkin to you) but thankfully in Hollywood, the powers that be feel differently. Ugly babies turn into "quirky" looking kids, (Johnathan Lipnicki) who then turn into pretty unfortunate looking adults.(Steve Buscemi) The lifespan of acceptance is short so you gotta strike while the iron is hot. So today I delight in reporting that Dakota Fanning is JACKED!!!

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Hard to believe that this adorably toothless, ruffled, munchkin turned into a hunchbacked ogre.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!Clearly the iron has cooled, but I wish that it hadn't so that i could burn out my eyes. God she's a dog! And I don't want any of you whiny bitches crying at me "she's just a kid, Jigs" Ugly is ugly. And that thing is ugly!

El Can-fucking sick-tante

Dude, J. Lo...what the hell is going on here? I know you turned down the hot recently so Marc Anthony could have a piece, but I think you turned it down too low. I was thinking more "rolling boil" hot, but you've turned it all the way down to simmer. However, we are here to help you get some of the hot back. So, let's try opening your mouth wider, like you smell something stinky and it has wafted its way into your mouth and you're vacant in the eyes...but you're going to use your tongue to push the smell back out. All the models do that face, it's hot. Give it a try!

Hmmm...that isn't working so much for you. What's going on with your boob, exactly? Are you not really a mexi? Because your boob is looking really caucasian. Nice touch with the shimmer lotion on the arm though. That tells people "Hey, I might look disgusting, but LOOK! SPARKLES!". Way to distract them. Let's try one more look. This one is destined to bring the hot back. Give me a good old pout. Never steered me wrong before!

Well. I guess there's a first time for everything, because that ain't right. And unfortunately, it looks like your husband has lost the hot that he briefly had, and is back to looking like a confused cancer patient who constantly glares at that which confuses him, which is everything. I'm done with you two.

WTF Files: Lauryn Hill

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I really think this bitch just is fucking with me now.

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I have already told you that I still love your music Lauryn, but if you keep steppin out of your house lookin this hot of a mess, I am going to have to drop you all together. I mean it!

This ho ain't pregnant

From the people who brought you This ho is pregnant (US - and not US weekly, I mean TGG) we'd like to dispel a pregnancy rumor (and also apologize for talking about Nicole Richie so much today). An exclusive source has revealed to us that this ho AIN'T pregnant!! Believe it when you hear it on that Diane Sawyer interview, but remember you heard it here first. Unless, of course, she is pregnant. Than promptly forget that we ever said anything and dear baby jesus, please heed the call of jigga (below). I'll take care of that lying bastard llama.

Nicole Richie is ready to talk

Remember the last time Diane Sawyer had an interview with a troubled celebrity in an effort to clear the air- dispell some of the rumors? Remember what happened? Well let me refresh your memory.

Whitney "crack is whack" Houston. * all the good shit at 6 min.*

As it has already been proven true here at TGG, that God don't give a shit about gays. But if He ain't too busy running from Paula. I hope that he hears this prayer. "Dear Jesus, Daddy, and the Spook, it's Jigga again. I know you don't particularly care for my kind but here's hopin'. If you could possibly avoid Nicole Richie on the days of August 2nd and 3rd when she interviews with Diane Sawyer, I would really appreciate it."

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I am hoping that the combination of a long history of drug problems + a loser of a mate (dude from Good Charlotte) + being so frail + being knocked up + having to serving 4 days in the pokey + Diane = an interview of the same caliber of crazy as Whitney Houston. I know it's a lot to ask, (can something as awesome as "show me the receipts" ever be repeated?) but I really want to see the shit hit the fan.

"So God, if you could just stay away...just for a couple days, that'd be great. Just a couple days though, the life growing inside of her will need some help. Or, Nicole will need your help after the baby eats her vital organs due malnutrition. Oh, and if you do help me out Jesus, I promise not to put any penises in my mouth for a whole month. Amen."

Travolta becomes comfortable with baldness

I, on the other hand, am rendered increasingly uncomfortable.

One thing we haven't touched on much here is John Travolta and his inability to hide his baldness. We usually don't like to talk about John because he is a filthy Scientologist, but his insecurity about losing his hair is something that many men secretly fear. As you should, men. If you go bald - no one will like you. Women will be nice to your face, but behind your back they will be silently judging you and they will consider you less of a man. And your penis will shrink! John Travolta ain't scared though. He's embracing his baldness, and subsequently, his shrunken wang. Take a lesson from this Scientologist, boys. You too, can look this strapping - just let the baldness fly (the mullet, however, is optional. And not something we approve of)! And...let your wangs fly too. Freely in the open air. Just for LOLZ. But not you, Travolta. You keep your naked Scientology stick in your pants.


Naomi Watts finally let that baby slide right on outta there. I'm still a bit concerned. Not so much for her anymore, but for her vagina. That could not have felt pleasant. The beast that swelled her belly to ginormous proportions shall now and forever be known as Alexander Pete Schreiber, and he apparently only weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz. This leads me to believe that there is another baby hiding all up in there. There must be. How can a little bean like that cause a woman to become such a giant fatty? We'll keep you posted on the emergence of a secret baby...

And I know I've posted this video before, but can you ever hear this song too many times? you can't.

Lindsay Lohan runs over, blames a black man

Three dudes who were involved with the latest Lohan DUI scandal are telling their story to TMZ. If you are a glutton for punishment, go over there and watch their "testimony". I'm feeling generous this Friday morning, so I'll recount the alleged story for you:

Lindsay Lohan is a dirty racist. Three dudes (two brothers, one honkey) were trying to get into her party in Malibu the night of her arrest. Lindsay only let the white man in (racist move #1). The two brothers are forced to wait outside. Lindsay, as wasted as can be, gets in a fight with her assistant. The honkey & the brothers get in their car to leave, and Lindsay jumps in the drivers seat. Brother #1 tries to get out of the car and Linday Lohan RUNS OVER HIS FOOT (racist move #2). She takes the remaining brother and the honkey on a high-speed chase, telling them "Don't touch me! I'll sue you" and my personal favorite, "I can't get in trouble, I'm a celebrity. I do what I want". Lohan chases the car containing her assistant who just quit this bitch straight to the police station, where she tells the cops "the black kid was driving" (racist move #3). What a g.d. racist.

So there you have it. Lindsay Lohan is allegedly a racist. TMZ also has the 911 tape. The mom of the assistant called 911 and said that a "gentlemen was driving". Are the three dudes liars? Probably. Is the mom of the assistant also a racist? Undoubtedly. Do we care anymore? Unfortunately...Maybe.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

They are still making Bourne movies?

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! What the hell? They are still making Bourne movies and Julia Stiles is in them? Shiny, round face & all? Yikes! I just puked up a bit of my Hot & Sour soup in my mouth. Good thing I've never seen any of those shitty movies. It's also a good thing that Matt Damon loves his Mexi Argentinian wife:

Girl, I know you're a mexi or something, but get out of that tanning bed!

apparently more than Ben Affleck:

loves his wife, who was forced to waddle down the red carpet all on her own:

She looks fierce. Not in the Tyra Banks/Top Model way, but more in the "I'm coming to suck the brains out of your head through your ears and mama-bird them to my daughter" kind of way. And that's all I got, folks. Today marks the calm after the Lohan storm. We'll see what else the gossip world brings us, but if I'm posting about a Bourne movie premiere, chances are it ain't gonna be much. Julia Stiles, this one goes out to you...because the first three words describe your face:

More premiere here.

Can't Tell Me Nothin: Now with white people! And chainsaws!

If you didn't like Chocolate Rain...well, I'm not sure I want to know you. But, I'll give you a chance to get back in my good graces. Here's a new video for Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothin. The video features video ho-fessional & lip-syncher extraordinaire Zach Galifianakis & sad-bastard artist Will Oldham. Maybe all y'all racists will be a bit more kind to a black man singing if his jam is being lipsynched by two really REALLY white dudes. Let us know.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Jessica Alba & Cash Warren Split: World Shrugs

UsWeekly reports that after over two years of bliss, Jessica drops Cash faster than you can say "Dark Angel." Sources say that Jessica broke up with Cash via telephone, calling to tell him "I'm not in love with you anymore." Then, (this is my favorite part) she sent her assistants to her home in L.A. to pack up all his shit and move him out.

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Yeah...he bores me too Jess.

What could be the cause of such a sudden decision? Some say it could be the rumored relationship between Jessica and .....wait for it.... 50 Cent. I think this exactly what she needs right now. A bonafide money making thug like Curtis is sure to get Jessica some of her cred back after denying her Mexi heritage. Plus who doesn't love a thug?

Cash on the other hand, isn't doing so well. The breakup came out of nowhere and he is understandably devastated. Having seen Jessica Alba I can see how. Even though Cash is a producer of some kind, by Hollywood's standards, he's pretty much a regular guy. I think he should be happy that he got to stick his penis in her for as long as he did.

I truly do wish the best for these two. Jessica, enjoy 50's jewel encrusted penis and try not to cry too much when he whoops your ass, as he surely will end up doing (thug love ain't free) and try to protect your face. Cash, I ain't got much for ya buddy. You probably won't have a chick nearly as hot Jessica and after the few weeks of media coverage you'll probably won't be heard from again, but good news, I found a place for you to stay since that bitch left you homeless.

Jigga always pulls through.

Kate Moss, Superstar.

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Kate Moss has been an emotional wreck lately (shocking, huh?) over the loss of two sex tapes recorded with ex-flame Pete Doherty. The thought of whatever disgusting acts those two could have possibly done sends a shiver down my spine. Can you imagine the sight of Pete doing a line of blow from the crack of Kates ass? What are the chances that his dick would be any cleaner than the rest of him? He looks like a hobo!

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Either way, there's no need to fret Kate. Having your bits and pieces exposed to the world is bound to do you some good. Haven't you read The Trashy Girls Guide To Fame? Every girl with a dream of fame and nominal talents should own a copy.

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Pam Anderson read it and look at her career. If she hadn't recorded herself being impaled by Tommy Lee, she would have been able to create such art as Barb Wire, and she probably wouldn't have gotten syph- or whatever it is he gave her.

Look who else read it.

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Do we even know what she does? Nope. And do we care? She is at the height of her fame right now, and all she had to do was get a lil bit of pee on her!

There are a countless amount of starlets with their sexual exploits documented for us regular people to pull it to. Paris Hilton has a sex tape, Lindsey Lohan and her boyfriend Samantha have one, Britney Spears and K Fed have one with them rubbing chicken fat all over each other and him eatin Funions out of her lady taco. I am starting to think they hand out A Trashy Girls Guide To Fame at Hyde.

Fame is fame. Even if it's for pretty much being a hooker. Just thank the Lord that people are still talking about you Kate.

Is this what you dudes do?

A question to dudes with erectile dysfunction: Do y'all like to sit around and sing about it? That's what this commercial for Viagra would like us to believe. I have no idea how old/new this is...but this is hilarious. I particularly enjoyed the first line, "Got me a honey..." better when I misheard it the first time and I thought he said "God, me horny...". Enjoy.

It's your turn, Michelle Williams

First, Kelly Rowland fell down:

Now Beyonce...has fallen:

Michelle Williams, as the third and final member of Destiny's Child yet to take a tumble, the world is waiting on you. Don't let these bitches upstage you with their falling! You can fall down better! You can fall down harder! Break something! Reclaim your space in the spotlight!

Edit: Aw shit, apparently Michelle Williams has already fallen.

HA! I guess all that's left is for Destiny's Child to re-unite, and then all fall down together, as a group. I'll wait for that

Thanks to TGG reader Kitty for pointing that out!

I never really knew that Tom could sweat like this

I think Tom Cruise should get his sweat glands looked at. He really shouldn't be sweating that much, or in that pattern. If you're really that hot, why not just commit to removing your jacket entirely?

Rihanna umbrellas for sale!

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I think that this is fucking ridiculous, but I do respect Rihanna's hustle. Cash in on your soon to be nonexistent fame while you can girl. People will soon realize that although she has a hot body she kinda looks like an alien. Once the public catches on, her career is dead. Young and hot, marginally talented singers we can tolerate, but old ugly bitches who can't sing just ain't gonna work. Soon enough not every dude is gonna want to bone you, so make all the money you can now RiRi and don't stop at UM-BA-RELLAS.

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Maybe Rihanna hot pants?
Or better yet, Rihanna yeast infection cream for wearers of Rihanna hot pants.

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You could patent whatever it is that made your GIANT forehead look surprisingly regular sized and your tits look so big.

*Rihanna this ones for you. Jam to this while you count your cash.*

Lohan: It wasn't me?

We'd like to start off the day by thanking none other than Lindsay Dee Lohan for reading the blog. It's clear that she heeded the advice that we gave to Paris Hilton in the wake of her legal troubles. Remember, we told Paris to use the timeless "it wasn't me" defense. But Paris did not listen, and look where that got her. In an email to "Access Hollywood" host Billy Bush, Lindsay did exactly what we tried to get Paris to do - deny all knowledge of the crime or responsibility. She wrote:

“I am innocent... did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy,”

That's right, girl. Deny that the drugs that they found in YOUR pocket were yours, and blame someone else. Way to go! But now you're faced with another dilemma. If the drugs weren't yours, whose were they? Don't worry, Lohan - we got you covered. Here are some possible excuses to use when Billy Bush undoubtedly pressures you for more answers (that fucking asshole):


Suspect 1: Dina Lohan

Blaming your mom is probably the best thing that you can do, since it is most likely the closest thing to the truth. You (unfortunately) look a lot like her, especially when you are wasted (see mug shot above). You can either say that it was actually your mom that they should have arrested and in some wacky police hijinx the two of you got mixed up leading to your erroneous arrest. Or you can say that you were merely delivering the drugs to your mom. People will respect that you are no longer "doing" these drugs, and subsequently respect that you are just "delivering" them now. As your lawyer said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "This shit ain't easy".

Suspect 2: Bo-Bo the Family Dog

I don't know if you have a dog. And if you do, I'm willing to bet his name is not "Bo-Bo". However, it's really easy to get a dog. Just go down to the humane society and pick one up. Sprinkle a little co-caine into that dog's nose and blame all this mess on your junkie dog.

Suspect 3: Cody Lohan

At 11 years old, your little brother is a PERFECT candidate for taking the fall for you. He's young, impressionable, and rich thanks to you. What better way to pay you back than by assuming your felony charges. Don't let his crying or pouting weaken your resolve to push the blame on him. Just remember. He has red hair. This should automatically evoke thoughts of Chucky in the minds of many red-blooded Americans:

If it doesn't just show the media this picture of him dressed as an Indian:

We all know that Indians have problems...and people will logically assume that your brother shares those same problems if he chose to dress like one.

Suspect 4: A Monkey on a Treadmill

Just because.

That should get you started. Mull it over, and pick the best option. And, just so you know Linds, all of these options can also double as an excuse for the person (or animal) that you claim was actually chasing you. Good luck, girl!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

More people looking gross

I think you're going about this "comeback" thing all wrong, Winona Ryder. First you pose for a magazine shoot looking like Krusty the Clown, and now you are trying to mesh two characters from your past. Can you guess which two? I'll tell you: she's taken the ska-hippie tendancies of Lelaina Pierce (her character in Reality Bites), and jammed it together with the paleness of her former flame and co-star (Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands). Put 'em together and whaddaya get?? A pale ska-hippie. AKA - Not Good. It's a good thing that the movie you are promoting, The Ten, can sell itself better than you can (see the trailer again here).

Dang, Cameron Diaz. I expect this shit from Britney Spears but I expect you to at least run a comb through your hair before you go out. That's fine though. I love when celebrities make me feel comfortable with judging them. When they look like this, what else am I supposed to do? Keep up the good work, ladies!

Google Eyed Fug

Isn't it enough that the girl is funny lookin' and cross eyed?
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Why the crocs? Do you want me to hate everything about your daughter Jennifer? Cute outfits are pretty much all she has going for her. Don't mess that up too.

Beckhams hit the town: D-List swarms.

Everybody knows that making a name for yourself in L.A. is all about who you let stick it all the way in, but most importantly about who you know. The Beckhams are welcomed into the U.S. of A with open arms by none other than Tom Cruise his mail order bride, Katie Kate Holmes, and the Smiths
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"That ain't so bad Jigga" you say. Well, because those people are genuine A-List celebrities. Take a look at the other riff raff gettin in on the party.

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This bitch will show up to just bout anything. For real.

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Huh? Doesn't Wesley have a court date to go to?

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Did they come together? Do they hang? Is Tyrese and John Voight boys?

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Why won't this troll stop assaulting me with her big plastic titties?

First, when did Posh and Becks become a friend of the negro? Wesley Snipes, really? Blade? I guess if the last thing I did was spend time in the clink (Viv) or bone a pseudo celebrity to get publicity, any party with booze and cameras would be good enough for me too.

Oh Hell No: Lohan busted for DUI AGAIN!

For reals. This is not a joke. Just DAYS after being released from rehab - Lindsay Lohan was busted AGAIN this morning for DUI. And guess what they found in her pants! If you guessed "an AA bracelet" - I think you could be considered clinically retarded. If you guessed "mutha-fucking-COCAINE" - DING! DING! DING! You'd be right! I guess those extra 15 days in rehab, or the SCRAM bracelet she's been wearing haven't really helped her that much. Isn't that SCRAM bracelet supposed to monitor & detect any alcohol in her system 24/7? Current details are as follows, courtesy of TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning -- her second bust in less than three months. Lindsay Lohan was popped for possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license. Law enforcement says Lohan was stopped after cops got a call of a vehicle being chased by another vehicle. The chasing vehicle was being driven by Lohan. She was initially suspected of driving under the influence of alcohol. A field sobriety test was conducted and she was subsequently arrested for DUI.

At the station, a search of her person was conducted, and cocaine was found in her pants pocket.

Girl is fucked. Does she realize that she's not going to get shopping/workout breaks when her ass is put in jail? She will most likely get raped though. I'd also like to nominate Lindsay for our dumbass of the year award. We'll keep you posted on further developments.

Here's the depressing mug shot:

Tameka Foster bites Chilli.

Okay. She didn't really bite Chilli but he/she did bare teeth.
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A run in between Usher's very hot ex-girlfriend and his current horse faced beard woman has been recently reported. Chilli was nearly broken into sexy peices by, beast of a woman, Tameka Foster. Chilli, apparently still friends with Ursher's mom (does Usher even talk to her?) stopped in for a quick visit, only to be met by Tameka. And you know that shit hit the roof. Tameka Foster has been quoted as screaming, (in her baritone voice) “Doesn’t your boyfriend have a mom you can visit?” Chilli just told her to grow up and walked out laughing. [SOURCE]

Now I loves me some TLC. Creep, Red Light Special, Ain't Too Proud to Beg... I love all that shit. Girl #1 already tried to warn you Rozanda, Watch your Goddamn step! That ugly ho is not to be trifled with. Do you think she bagged a hot lay like Usher cause she's a delicate beauty? She got him by administering beat downs and breaking bitches necks. Trust. Do not fucks with her. Don't do it!

Note to OK!: Please publish the photos

Today, I love TMZ. On slow news days, they suck. But on days like today, when the drama is flowing like wine, they really shine. Not to be upstaged by the antics of Lohan, Britney Spears sets out to prove that she is the biggest trainwreck of them all. Apparently her photoshoot with OK! Magazine was, as to be expected, a hot mess:

According to multiple sources, Britney's behavior during the interview was "nothing less than a meltdown." She was, according to our sources, "completely out of it" during the shoot. The photos are "so bad" we've learned, that to publish them could "kill her career." Apparently, Brit Brit's eyes rolled back in her head at one point, causing her to look half dead. Her mood, we're told, was extremely erratic. She took frequent bathroom breaks our source says, and each time she returned her mood would change. She was also completely paranoid during the entire interview, fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her. Out of control y'all!

The story also says that Brit wouldn't let anyone but her trashy friends style her for the shoot, and that she used a Gucci dress to cleanse her hands of fried chicken grease. OK! has not said how they are going to spin the story.

Ok! Magazine. I beg of you. Please run the photoshoot as is. I swear I will buy a lifetime subscription to your magazine if you just do the world a favor and show us all the true magnitude of her insanity. And if you don't want to do it for the world, do it for Britney. She's already seen pictures of herself looking like this:

And somehow that hasn't been enough to snap her out of this high-speed downward spiral that she has been on for years. Maybe she needs to see herself cleaning up dog shit with a Gucci dress (yes, according to TMZ, that happened too) before she can realize that maybe everyone is right and that perhaps there is something deeply wrong with her. Either way, I'll find the pictures to be amusing. So run them, OK! RUN THEM! Can someone get an online petition going?


Some are better, some are worse

Hey! Look at Marc Anthony!

He doesn't look at sick as he usually does! In fact, if we take a look at what he normally looks like, one could say that he's looking pretty darn snazzy. That's right. Snazzy. Not fancy just yet, but keep it up! Maybe you'll get there eventually. However, it does look like Jennifer Lopez has to look shitty in order for Marc Anthony to look good. I don't know what is going on with that dress, but...way to turn down the hot so your husband can have a little?

Someone who really needs some help though, is Al Pacino:

I'm sorry, but these film icons do not get a pass for looking like disheveled hobos. I'm not saying you have to look as snazzy as SeƱor Anthony, but must you look like you were just rummaging for food in a trashcan? Lucky for you, I'm actually quite taken with the "down-on-his-luck-probably-diseased-homeless" look, and I'll agree to be the J. Lo to your homeless ass. That is, if you'll have me Mr. Pacino. And lets be honest, right now I don't think that you're in a position to refuse any offer. Even one from me. I'll wait for your call.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Amy Winehouse wants a baby in her box.

The singer/songwriter/lush/junkie whore is rumored to want to start a family with new husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. The celebmonger in me really wants Amy to be knocked up, but the concerned human being in me wants this to be totally untrue. I am sure that Amy has already listed the pros and cons of carrying a baby to full term. I just happen to have a copy of said list. I'd post the original but it has a lot of pee stains and I think she tried to smoke half of it.

Pro: Having a family is every girls dream.
Con: Singing, pissing my panties, puking in front of people is my dream too.

Pro: Could carry baby in hair.
Con: Hair falling out.

Pro: Baby could have my husbands eyes
Con: Baby could also have my snaggle teeth. And beehive. And alcoholic tendencies.

Pro: I would gain some much needed weight.
Con: How will girls, and my own kid know to look up to me? Wait, I ain't no fucking role model! Plus I hate bald peoples. but my babies would has my beehive, right? I still might cut it anyway. God, Im so hungry. I want a juice? with gin. and no ice. and no juice.


That's pretty much all i could salvage. Well, there was a part where she was talking about a line of blow and a bloody really didn't make a whole lot of sense. I guess we'll have to wait and see what she decides. As if she could ever carry baby! Can a girl under 88lbs even make eggs? Put down the pipe and pick up a pork chop Amy!

*a few pics of Amy looking especially treated*
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