Friday, July 20, 2007

Jail totally looks FUN



I don't know about y'all, but when I'm finally arrested and sentenced to life in prison for smuggling doughnuts into fat camps, I hope they send me to jail in the Philippines, because jail there looks fucking sweet. Here's a bunch of inmates dancing to Thriller. Do you think that at some point in Philippine history a common criminal used the age-old "If rocking out to Micheal Jackson is a crime, than lock me up and throw away the key!" defense, to which they did...thus starting this wonderful craze? I sure do hope so. Now we can officially say, "Stop your bellyaching, Paris Hilton! Jail ain't so bad!" and mean it. Enjoy your weekend, y'all!

Would you rather?

Eat soup from the crater in Victoria Beckham's leg...

*more photos here*


OR?


Lick the underside of Star Jones-Reynold's flabby ass?
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*more photos here*


Cutting out your tongue is not an option. Leave your answer in the comments.

Usher: Twat or Not-A-Twat



He's certainly got the moves. He's got a catalogue of great jams that I celebrate often (more on that later). And he might be gay. But the question remains: Is Usher a Twat or Not-A-Twat. We're about to find out. Hey yo, pisswad, you're in my way...it's Blank or Not-A-Blank!

I'm a bit scared to focus on Ursha this week, as he is currently trying to shut down his biggest fan site for hating on his man of a fiance, Tameka Foster:



You look confused, unsure, and a little scared, Usher. As you should be. That ho is double-fisting drinks and you know she'll probably demand to put it in your pooper after she's had a few glasses of that champagne. But, I digress. If Usher wants to shut down his biggest fans simply because they are looking out for him and the well-being of his starfruit, whose to say his lawyers aren't going to come after me once they find out that I think he's a twat? Twat

You know that Usher recently fired his mom too, right? What is going on with all of these ungrateful hollywood stars nowadays? In case you forgot, Usher, your mom squeezed you out of her vagina, and that gives her the right to run your career anyway she sees fit. What do you think? She had you for fun? I'm having at least 10 kids in hope that I can live out my unfulfilled dreams out through them, just like the best & most successful Hollywood moms do. Twat

But wait, Usher had some great jams. Favorite Usher jams include:



and...



Ah, yes. I love the way he turns a coughing noise into a lyric, and how he eloquently uses the word "chew" to mean both "with you" and "what you do". Nothing short of brilliant, that U-S-H-E-R-R-A-Y-M-O-N-D. Not-A-Twat

Did you know that there is a disease called Usher syndrome? I think I have it. It is defined as:

Usher syndrome is the most common condition that involves both hearing and vision problems. The major symptoms of Usher syndrome are hearing impairment and retinitis pigmentosa, an eye disorder that causes a person's vision to worsen over time.


I'm pretty sure that I contracted Usher syndrome by being forced to hear the song Yeah everywhere I went during 2004-2005. Hearing that song made me stab myself in the ears rendering me hearing impaired. And everything I saw turned into an Usher bobblehead once I heard that annoying siren kick in. If that's not the definition of 'worsened vision' I don't know what is. Now I'm (even more) diseased (than I previously was). Thanks a lot, Usher. Twat

So far, it looks like that Ursha is most definitely a twat. Something else that I can safely say: I most definitely will be receiving a letter from Usher's "people" (read: man-wife) very soon. So hurry up! Weigh in, in the comments before the man (his literal man-wife) shuts us down! While you're doing that, I'll be...IN the CLUB with my HO-mies...oh god...not again!

SMACKDOWN

Girl #1, I challenge you to a duel.
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Or rather a slap-off a la Britney "Meal Ticket" Spears vs. Lynn "The One To Blame" Spears. I thinks it time the Jigga laid some pipe the smack down on you bitches, so Girl#1, and you too Girl#2 (even though your people fight with bombs), I challenge you both to an Emmy contest. The rules is simple, pick the winners in all major categories, and whoever gets the most right - me, will be the winner and owed the 40oz. of their choice by the losers - you two sluts. You game?

*my picks in bold*
AND THE NOMINEES ARE:

Drama Series
o Boston Legal
o Grey's Anatomy
o Heroes
o House
o The Sopranos

Comedy Series
o Entourage
o The Office
o 30 Rock
o Two and a Half Men
o Ugly Betty

Lead Actor in a Drama Series
o James Spader, Boston Legal
o Hugh Laurie, House
o Denis Leary, Rescue Me
o James Gandolfini, The Sopranos
o Kiefer Sutherland, 24

Lead Actress in a Drama Series
o Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters
o Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
o Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
o Patricia Arquette, Medium
o Minnie Driver, The Riches
o Edie Falco, The Sopranos

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
o William Shatner, Boston Legal
o T.R. Knight, Grey's Anatomy
o Masi Oka, Heroes
o Michael Emerson, Lost
o Terry O'Quinn, Lost
o Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
o Rachel Griffiths, Brothers & Sisters
o Katherine Heigl, Grey's Anatomy
o Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy
o Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy
o Aida Turturro, The Sopranos
o Lorraine Bracco, The Sopranos

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
o Ricky Gervais, Extras
o Tony Shalhoub, Monk
o Steve Carell, The Office
o Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
o Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
o Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives
o Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
o Tina Fey, 30 Rock
o America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
o Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
o Kevin Dillon, Entourage
o Jeremy Piven, Entourage
o Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
o Rainn Wilson, The Office
o Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
o Jaime Pressly, My Name Is Earl
o Jenna Fischer, The Office
o Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men
o Conchata Ferrell, Two and a Half Men
o Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty
o Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds

I don't think that half the people nominated deserve to be, so I highly doubt that the folks who deserve to win, will. Even though the Emmys are run by a bunch of old queens, I still love em. I hope you accept the challenge ladies. If so, put your picks in the comments. That goes for anyone else that wants to get in on this, too. When I undoubtedly kick all of your asses, I'll let you know where to send my 40oz. of King Cobra. Don't be a pussy! Fight me!
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Whatchoo thinkin bout, Bana?



Eric Bana is a thinking man's man. He just keeps thinking:



and thinking:



While it's nice of you to be pondering life's great mysteries, or simply reflecting on what you had for lunch, perhaps you should try a different pose? Ladies don't like men who think, unless they are thinking about decisions they will make for us, or what you want us to cook you for dinner. And just as a reminder, we also don't like iny weeny teeny weeny shriveled little short *edit* *short* men:



More Bana here

Don't LAUGH!!! You will surely EXPLODE!



I'm sorry that I can't get over this. I have seen pregnant ladies before, but I don't know if I've ever seen anyone this preggo. There should be no laughing allowed when you have what must be a teenager growing inside of you. There should also be no walking, dressing, bathing, or movement of any kind, really. You should be forced to just lie in bed, naked & dirty - but unscathed, just waiting spread eagle for that teenager to army crawl its way out of your baby slide. Lay down, Naomi Watts! For the love of God, is it really necessary for you to be at the Gap right now?

Britney attends funeral for her career



With her only friend held close to her dirty, diseased bosom, Britney Spears takes a deep breath, grabs her fanciest hat, and prepares to attend the long overdue burial of her now stagnant career.

Actually, she's trying to revive her stagnant career the only way she knows how. She threw this on:



Man, she's so pretty.

And she's trying to make a video. By the looks of her outfit, this is going to be the classiest, most beautiful video the world has ever seen. And in case you missed it yesterday, Britney went swimming in her underwear. Your welcome for not posting that here yesterday. Sorry for posting this.

For more of Britney practicing her "moves", go here.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Gary Dourdan whoops ass

Gary Dourdan "beats the living crap out of TMZ photog" according to...well, TMZ.




Having watched all of the footage, a few things are very clear to me:

1) You shouldn't try to convince a person that spends countless amounts of time in front of a camera, that the one you are pointing at them is not really on.

2) The folks at TMZ are all celebrity stalking assholes, not much unlike our very own Girl #1

3) They could use a dictionary. From what I can tell, the ass whoopin' delivered was neither "shocking" nor was it "unprovoked"

4) Gary Dourdan is good looking brother, and frankly, I'd let him beat me / it up anytime.

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Krusty-Wino anyone?



On the left, Winona Ryder in the August issue of Vogue. On the right, Krusty the Clown. Who rocked the clown hair better, ya'll?

X-Tina has lost her mind

Christina Aguilera defends Britney Spears' parenting skills, so reports Hollywood Scoop. I'm gonna blame this on the hormonal imbalance that the soon to be mother must be suffering from, because the compounding evidence, proves quite the contrary.

"Britney is a good person and a good mom." Aguilera says
I say, "REALLY!?"

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This poor kid has no idea he's not being abducted. Look at the fear in his eyes! I know you don't really know this person, but I swear that the stinky, barefoot lady driving really is your mommy. If you're ever lost, little one, just remember the scent of fried chicken and Redbull and you'll find your way home.

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C'mon X-Tina! The bitch almost dropped her fucking baby on the dirrty sidewalk!

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She blamed this on being Southern and her daddy. I absolutely believe that Brit has some daddy issues, but I don't know how much he has to do with her almost killing her son. Again.

I don't know what's worse, Britney Spears being so balls out crazy, that she makes dead beat dad and all around douche, Kevin Federline, look like a more suitable parent,
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or, that Christina Aguilera, who manages to always look a lil bit trampy and WAY too orange is about to poop out her very own slutty baby.

Fatty bites little guy. World wonders 'Why?'



Something I'll never understand: Why dudes fight as a way of showing affection. "Oh my god! What happened to you??" I'll say to my imaginary French boyfriend Francois (who loves crepes and is a closeted homosexual) when he comes home late at night, profusely bleeding from the nose. "Oh, me and Bernard got in a fight", he responds. "Who is Bernard? A common street thug?" "Oh no, he's my friend - we were just fighting." What the hell is that?

Granted, I'm sure Francois' problem has more to do with how rough gay sex can get, but straight dudes do this shit all the time. Straight dudes like Suge Knight and Kevin Connelly from Entourage. It got so hot & steamy masculine and tough between these two, that Suge BIT Kevin, and Kevin bled all over the place. The NY Daily News reports:

Several sources tell us the two were playfully wrestling at the late-night after-party thrown by awards host LeBron James at the Mondrian hotel.

"Kevin and Suge were wrestling and Suge literally bit Kevin's finger," says a witness. "He was bleeding everywhere."

Was Kevin fighting back?

"No way! He was too busy bleeding."


Why would Suge Knight bite someone? Three possible reasons:

1) He watched this and remembered that he always aspired to be like Mike Tyson.

2) He got hungry, as fatties generally tend to do, and mistook Kevin's finger for a vanilla wafer.

3) He's finally realized the implications of this and is desperately trying to get his street cred back.

Why do you think this fatty bit the little guy? Leave your ideas, in the comments!

God, are you listening?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
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Granted, this is much better than the bag lady chic look L.Boogie was recently seen rockin', it still ain't no good.Even Patti LaBelle gave up looking like a tranny space queen in the 80's.
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Maybe you're not to blame Lauryn. Maybe, Jesus really can't hear the prayers of gays.


TAKE YOUR PICK



More pictures of Space-Lauryn here.

Gwen and her thugs ready to scrap

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Gwen Stefani is hoppin' mad at retail chain, Forever 21. Stefani is suing the company for the shameless rip off of some bullshit design on some of her bullshit clothes. You'll have to go somewhere else for details. You know I don't like doing that much work.

Question: Aren't Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. designs just a blatant copy and bastardization of Japanese culture? Or Madonna? Or any person that she happens upon?
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Even though i think that this lawsuit is a WHOLE BUNCH of bullshit, (I mean, can you even sue for the theft of what was stolen to begin with?) I won't say anything else. Have y'all seen those Harajuku girls? They aren't the submissive china ladies that we are all used to, they is FIERCE! I have probably already said too much.

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She Spits! She Spits!!!



In what clearly must be a response to our recent query, the always gracious singer Amy Winehouse clears up any confusion by spitting at her fans. Sounds like this was a great show to be at:

Reports say Amy appeared to be in tears while onstage, hitting herself on the head with a microphone in frustration when she forgot the words to her songs, and a fan said she finished by spitting into the crowd.


Kinda sounds like an episode of the The Chris Farley Show, doesn't it? In other news, did you hear that Chris Farley has been reincarnated?

Source

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

Crack baby, Frances Bean seen out and about with crack whore mother, Courtney Love.
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I would feel bad for the girl, if I thought there was ever a shot in hell for her. Sorry Frank & Beans. You should rest easy knowing your Moms has held the title of most Fucked-up Bitch for the past 10 yrs. and no new meat like Britney/Paris/Lindsey/Nicole or whoever, will take it from her. You have a lot to be proud of, and aspire to. Good Luck!

This breaks my heart. Truly.

Alls fair in love and celebrity blogging. I take much pleasure in writing hateful, spiteful, and generally bitchy things about people I only know through the articles I read off the internet or watch on some shitty entertainment TV show. I likes calling Britney Spears a fat, cheeto stained, train wreck. Lindsey Lohan is a whore. Why wouldn't I find joy in saying so?

This shit... this shit right here, it makes me want to start cutting myself again.
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I am going to need some time before I can openly talk about it, so in the meantime, I think I'll just send a letter.

Dear Ms. Hill,
Why do you looks like an old, sweaty, French, homeless, whore. Why so much rouge Lauryn? Why are you wearing so many Goddamn layers? I know them stage lights is hot! Why are holding that towel if you don't plan on using it? Are those feathers on your collar? Are those pants I see under your boobs? L.Boogie, what the hell is going on with you?

I have also read that you have been hittin' cities giving concerts equivalent to the outfit you sportin' . I still like your music Lauryn Hill (even the cryptic new shit) but I really need you to not try to pull some shit like this again. I can't let it slide. Next time you step out, take five things off. And NO, socks don't count! I imagine since you are homeless now, you're wearing more than a few pair. Also, wipe off some of that GD makeup. You're better than that. I hope you learn your lesson and get better soon.

Sincerely, Jigga the Nigga

*Please take a moment out of your day and let the video below play while you send up a prayer for Lauryn Hill. Let's all heal and grow together.*






There are no words for this



Except maybe one: Mutha-fuckin-OUCH. (the dashes make that one word. That's some knowledge you won't find in dumbass books)

The effect of too many blows to the head. And drugs

This video has probably been out for a while, but no matter, watch it anyway. I almost forgot how crazy Mike Tyson is. This shit will change your life. And not for the better.

Reading: So NOT hot right now



Fresh on the heels of his groundbreaking new song, 50 Cent has decided to represent himself in a totally different & unexpected way. This time he talks about why he rules, and why everyone else sucks. Wait, thats what he's always done? Ah, well... The reason this time? Books. In an interview with XXL, fiddy was all:

You have people that are extremely book smart that lack common sense so they don’t know what’s going to affect their audience. They have more information than me based on reading. For instance, Nas is a really smart guy. He reads books constantly. We were around him on the Nastradamus tour. He was almost weirder than me ’cause we would go to breakfast and he’d be there reading a book. Conceptually, I think that’s what made him drift away from what his initial audience enjoys from him and why he’s not hot right now.

Because he reads too much?
Yes. He’s feeding you too much information in the music and they don’t actually want it. He’s like a teacher.

But you’re obviously really intelligent.
Absolutely. Smart enough not to overwhelm people with information.


Ugh - Reading. How weird and disgusting. Everyone, we've learned yet another valuable lesson from 50 Cent today: Keep it simple & dumb - like talking about how stanky rich you are - in order to preserve your hotttness. Man, 50 Cent is smart. But not gross book-smart. He's street smart. Like that show Street Smarts! Man, I'm so glad I always chose to watch that show instead of reading a stupid, dumbass book. Thank you, 50 Cent, for keeping anything intelligent or worth listening to out of your music.

I want to eat Henry Seal Klum



BLAAAAAAARRRRGGG! Stop it. Stop it right now, Henry Seal Klum. You are already my favorite celebrity baby, so why must you keep turning up the cute? I want to put you in a meat grinder, make a baby sausage and eat you. Like so:



More here

Brit's bringing slapping back



Well, looks like Britney Spears has finally gone and done something worthy of respect. According to The Scoop, Britney and her mom got into a "shocking slapfest" in June. Unfortunately, many details are left out. Who slapped who first? How long did said "slapfest" last? Were they wearing gloves? Were any gloves removed prior to slapping? So many questions! I do appreciate that the Spears clan are finally bringing back a past-time that did so much for our society. Didn't like how someone was talking to you? Slap them. Like the way someone is talking to you? Slap them! We use far too many words to express how we feel nowadays, when practically every emotion could be summed up with a simple slap. That Bud Light commercial that aired during the Super Bowl this year (that was allegedly ripped off from this) began to touch on this phenomenon:



I think we all have been looking at the behavior of one Ms. Britney Jean Spears in an unfair way. She's just trying to bring us back to the good old days, man! The days where people slapped each other, kids raised themselves, and physical appearance and good hygiene were rarely fussed over. I'll be signing up for lessons from Britney, right after I'm through with my other summer class.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

YIKES!!

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Val Kilmer is a FATTY! Don't even try to front like this is for a movie role ala Janet Jackson, or Travolta. What happened to you Val?

Scott Baio hasn't banged a hot chick since '93

And whats the fastest way to get you some hot chick poonani?

Be on the TV. And friends, that is just what Chachi is doing. I had the unfortunate experience of watching an episode of Scott Baio Is 45 and Single late last night ( i was drunk and wasn't thinking straight) and it is CRAP! But I get the feeling that you already knew that. It did how ever get me thinking about all the puss Baio used to get.

He used to bone Pamela Anderson
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He used to get up in Heather Locklear
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He even porked Nicolette Sheridan
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And there's more! Brooke Sheilds, Nicole Eggert, and, God help me, even Liza Minnelli all had a piece.

Regardless of all the tang you used to score, your show is shit, Scott Baio! But, I do commend you for the effort. If being on the TV worked for an ass ugly guy like Flava Flav, why wouldn't it work for you? Just know that the effects only last for a season. Do you think that Flav will ever bang a bitch this hot again? Probably not.
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Who is petting the kitty?



Who dares to grab hold of the bearded clam?

Who is trying to close the beef curtains??

Who is trying pat the little man in the boat on the head???

Why, it's none other than Posh & Becks!



Anyone watch her "reality" show last night? I did for about 5 minutes, then I took a crap and pushed it around in the toilet for the remaining 55 minutes, which I still think was a better use of my time. Did she fool you into liking her? Do you want to test out the baby slide, just like David is doing? Feel free to let us know, in the comments!

Source

Dave Chappelle worn out

It has been reported that Dave Chappelle was hospitalized for exhaustion over this past weekend.

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HOW!?
When was last time Dave Chappelle had some work?! What the FUCK could he possibly be so tired from doing?! Any guesses?

Survey Poll: Amy Winehouse SPIT OR SWALLOW?

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tell us which one you think she chose....

Posting is hard work

I know that we have posted videos of this crazy bitch before, but, i have to admit that i had never really watched before. I was just going on faith that it was as crazy as people had told me. Today, I watched the video below in its entirety, and all I can say is WOW! I truly believe that Alexyss K. Tylor has lost her fucking mind. Watch and see.


*NSFW*

A word to the wise...



If Tameka Foster can force Usher not only to marry him, but to also release a letter stating how much he truly loves his man of a wife-to-be, then you better believe that she will straight up murder your ass for leaning your head on her meal ticket. Look at Ursha. He knows exactly what is about to go down, and he is scared shitless. I would be too if I was stuck between a crazy beastwoman and a coked-up model. It's about to be all fists & elbows pretty soon. I hope Usher made it out ok. We'll keep you posted.

Source

I don't get it...



Here we have the new 50 Cent video for "I Get Money". I get that 50 Cent is rich. What I don't get is why people still want to hear songs about how rich he is. And just in case you can't understand what he's saying - the video has a LED scrolling light feature so you can read about how rich he is (in case you missed it, he is "Stanky Rich") while you hear about him sing about how rich he is. Another favorite part of the video, when the twinkly lights say "This is Hip-Hop" and the video shows one of the friends moving his hand up and down in the motion that he most likely assumes when he is jacking 50 Cent off to the tune of somewhere around $1 million dollars. He's so stanky rich, he doesn't even have to rub one out on his own anymore. He PAYS muthafuckas to do that for him. What do you do? Sit around and be poor all day? I was feeling 50 until one of the last lines of the song, "I'm back on the streets man" was uttered right as "This is hard..." ran across the screen. So are you rich or are you on the streets? And why is being rich hard? Your rich ass confuses me, fiddy. So much so, that I refuse to listen to your bullshit any longer.

I was enjoying forgetting about The Dunce



Oh, I'm sorry Kirsten Dunst did I catch you at a bad time? Were you just getting out of the shower or something? I ask because you are hardly wearing any clothes, and most importantly, you seem to be missing a bra that should be used to hold up those cow udders you call breasts. Oh no? You didn't get out of the shower? You went outside of your house looking like this? We're you trying to one-up your Oscar 2007 look by plunging that awful neckline even further in hopes to show the world your boobs prove to everyone what a great actress you are? But, I thought you said you'd only show your boobs for Pedro Almodovar (bottom of page)? It's not surprising that your requirements for showing your boobs have changed, and now you will gladly toss them on out there for a can of PBR and a pack of djarums - but, for the well-being of us all, please go back to your ridiculous, pretentious ways. And Pedro, please stay far, far away from this ho. This one was almost too close for comfort.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Spears now has the paparazzi on her payroll

Question:

How does one go from looking like this on Saturday:



To looking like this on Sunday:



Answer:

Pay the paparazzi to photoshop your photos for you before they release them to the public.

I know many things can contribute to a bad photo being taken. The lighting, a bad angle, a bad weave, pants that are too tight and leave marks on your stomach, but seriously...these photos are like night & day. No matter how much you pay them, we're not buying it Britney! We know you're trashy. We LOVE that you are trashy. We've accepted the fact that we're never going to get a gem like this from you again:



When are you going to accept it? For (probably not) the last time, embrace your innter trash, girl.

Source

Fresh out of Promises, Lindsey Lohan needs stiff drink.

Remember the days when Lindsey was full of promise and was a decently fine actor, and not a complete junkie whore? Is she too far down the well to be saved? Can she ever reclaim any amount of dignity after these past years of LOOSE behavior?

Frankly, I don't know. I don't know what Linds should do. But, i DO know what she shouldn't.



Don't be a lesbian. At least not with this dude.

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Don't date anymore douche bags.
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DO NOT, under any circumstances, turn out like your mother.
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Don't take your clothes off anymore. It makes you seem whorey.
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LiLo, if you are reading this, please take my advice. Jigga ain't never wrong. Got something to contribute? Leave your sage advice in the comments.