Friday, July 13, 2007

FaNASTYsia

Okay, I know Fantassia has had a hard life and all and she even admitted to being illiterate. But you have to draw the line of feeling sorry for someone when they choose to take a shit on stage.

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Here we have Fantassia warning her fans that she has to use the bathroom. She's telling everyone, "I've gotta go #1"
Okay, at that point, I may have been alright with that. Sometimes the pee just hits you, and urine is sterile afterall.

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Suddenly, Fantassia realizes its not that simple. Turns out its not just #1. Here she is thinking, "Oh damn, I think it might be #2 instead!"

But the final straw was drawn when Fantasia, known for strutting her ass and showing it off in cell phone pictures decided instead of running to the bathroom to take care of this on stage

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And thats what I call a #too much.
It musta been a big one with the straining look on her face!

You's nasty Fantasia!

A DEDICATION.

This is going out to the former Gay here at TGG.
I
LOVE YOU LIKE A RAINBOW!



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*uncensored photo here*

OUR LIPS ARE SEALED.

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Matthew Perry and Meg Ryan have been allegedly having a secret "pout off" for the last 5 months. Anybody care? No? Why have I posted this, you ask? Because I want you to think of how awkward sex must be for the two of them. Meg Ryan is so full of plastic nowadays, that bonin' her is pretty much like having sex with a blow up doll.

*SHHH... this is all alleged. Don't tell nobody*



Take your pick.

Here we go again!

Actors wanting to be singers and singers wanting to be actors is pretty standard, but there is one place in particular that seems to harbor the marginally talented singers/actors that we good people will have to deal with for years to come...that's right friends, you guessed it right, AMERICAN IDOL! American Idol is like summer camp for "special" kids. Ya know, the kind that tards , and the downsy kids go to. There is a camp director (or producer) telling all of these sad bastards, "Hey you're a pretty OK singer, I'd bet you'd make an alright actor too." and never having heard praise before, they all jump up and down and scream "yah, yah, yah!!!" ( But in that tard voice. Don't front like you don't know what I'm talking about )

And before you know it we are saddled with this kind of bullshit:

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This movie is so shitty, that it has past the point where it is enjoyable, even to laugh at, like Showgirls, or GLITTER .

And then there is this HOT mess:

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Somebody PLEASE tell me how it is that this bitch can't act in a movie about her OWN GODDAMN LIFE!!!! All of that baby makin' babies/sexual abuse/illiteracy/finding your way out of the ghetto with the help of kindly white folks, all happened to you Fanny! Don't you remember? How can you not manage to muster up some kind of genuine emotion?!

Not enough for ya? Well, how about this jackass on daytime TV?

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Again, playing a pretty piss-poor version of himself.

Get ready y'all, cause here it comes again! It has been recently announced that Katherine McPhee will co-star in some shitty movie. You excited Kat??

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Yeah? I'm not.

I get it though, you think to yourself, "What about Jennifer Hudson? She won an Oscar."

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Yeah, she did. For her singing, NOT cause she's the next Meryl Streep. Your singing skills are dubious, at best, Kit Kat. I don't think this acting thing is gonna fare much better. What the hell though, go on and give it a shot. It's not as if trying to cross over and bombing has completely ruined anyone's career.

I do, however, suggest to take a lesson from Kelly Clarkson. She made a REALLY shitty movie, and now, you hardly ever see her doing anything in public that isn't singing. Whatever you decide, Kitty Kat, do it fast! The clock is tickin' and your star is fading fast.

Suri Cruise carries blanket, Mom wears one



As Suri Cruise's cuteness stock continues to skyrocket, one has to wonder how much longer it will take before Katie Holmes grows tired of living in her child's shadow and resorts to smothering that a-hole of a baby. Oh, did you forget that she's an a-hole? Don't let pictures like this:



Distract you from the ass-holey truth. And, you might want to go back and re-read that blank or not-a-blank, because you're not getting a new one today. Like an alcoholic mother - in a delirious & drunken haze, I'm nonsensically scolding all of my bad children for not commenting on the feature last week. Truth be told, I've got another wedding to go to and don't have time to spew bullshit today. But Jiggs & Girl #2 do! So keep checking all the live long day.

One more pic of that a-hole here

Stop doing ho stuff and upload your video!



Do you have a vagina? Do you also have big 'ol titties? Well then today is probably your lucky day. Puffy is looking for a personal assistant, and chances are good that if you're a slut, IT COULD BE YOU! He wants all the sluts to upload their video interviews to you tube and then he will pick a lovely lady to bone. Then he'll pick another one. Then probably one more just for good measure. Unfortunately for Puffy, not many sluts are applying. We do have:

Guys who are taking this far too seriously


This poor guy doesn't seem to realize that Puffy could give two shits about your two degrees, unless you are a stripper and are wearing them as pasties.

Guys who don't understand what "video interview" means


Yep, this guy just took a screenshot of half of his resume, and just let that shit sell itself.

So far, there's not many promising candidates, but it's still pretty early in the game. Come on sluts! Where you be at? Puffy needs you! Here's a bit of advice. Stop with the words. All of them. Puffy doesn't want to see you talking. He wants to see you shaking dat ass. These girls aren't applying for the job - but they should be:



Come on sluts, you don't get an opportunity like this everyday! Can't turn a ho into a housewife, but you can turn a ho into a personal assistant for Puffy.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Ray-J strikes again

Ray-J recently spotted taking a "drive" with Lil' Kim.


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What exactly is it about old, dried up, and well used poon that Brandy's little brother loves so much? A few theories:


1)Can't accidentally make a baby if the babyslide don't work.

2)Ray-J is not so cute, and old ladies is desperate.

3)Brandy is forcing him, to distract everyone from remembering that she killed somebody.

I don't get it. Guys, wouldn't you rather ram your dick in this...

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(look at that ass! I'd hit it.)

...as opposed to this...

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...or this

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Oh well, I guess Ray-J wasn't doing anything anyway. It's not as if he had a career to speak of, unless of course you can call living in the shadow of your older, and much, much, much, more successful sibling, a career.

Killing myself may be my only option today



Wow. This did not help calm my rage today. So, I browse on over to Pop Candy to see what is going on, and there I find a video promising a walk down memory lane with some of my favorite characters from the good old Nickelodeon days of yore. Some band that I've never heard of called The XYZ Affair made a video that features Marc Summers who I already see semi-regularly on that show about candy, Michael Maronna (Big Pete, The Adventures of Pete & Pete), Danny Cooksey (Bobby Budnick, Salute Your Shorts), and Jason Zimbler (Ferguson Darling, Clarissa Explains It All). "Oh Boy!" I thought to myself, "This should be GREAT!". But perhaps the alcohol that is still flooding my brain got the best of me, because...this is not great. Quite the opposite, actually. Unless your definition of "great" is some whiney emo bullshit sung by some twatwaffle that sounds like a girl and couldn't even manage to find a clean shirt to wear in the video, or the fact that I couldn't even recognize any of the characters that I loved so much as a wee-Girl #1, not even Bobby Budnick who I secretly wanted to bone, red haired mullet & all:



I just may end up setting myself on fire today in an attempt to numb the onslaught of pain & suffering I've been subjected to thusfar. If I do, this dumbass song would be the tune I would turn to ash to. Naw, fuck that. I'm going out in style:

Emma Watson is a slutty whore.

Well, not yet anyway, but she is only an uncontrollable drug/drinking/pill popping habit, a hot sweaty boyfriend, and an STD away.

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Listen Emma, I know that you think this photo seems tame and you think that showing your young, supple breasts on the cover of a magazine seems like no big deal to you. you're young and hot right?

I agree Hermione, your breasts are young and nubile, but showing your goodies to everyone is surely a short path to destruction. Take this for example

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Doesn't seem so bad, Huh? Still a young and fresh faced (excepting her pugsly nose)Well, that's what she thought too, but after one drug addled night and a two day black out, look where she ended up.

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yeah, with that guy.

and sadly, that is only one short step way from...

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Ain't pretty is it? Watch your step Emma! With the path you're on, every step you take is leading you towards sharing the fate of that coked out, piss soaked whore, Courtney Love. Tread lightly Hermione.

Ska-Hippie Alert: Shaun White



What the shit are the ESPY Awards? Judging from this picture alone, I would guess that they are an award show honoring ska-hippies and trannies. Apparently, they are actually some sports award show, in which you get to see people like Lebron James do things like this:



I can hang with that. Hell, I kind of love that. What I don't like is being confronted by snowboarder Shaun White and his offensive ska-hippie mane. Shaun's hair is more straight up hippie than ska-hippie, but the vest sends him over into the sad world of ska-hipperey. And I'm sorry to be bringing this photo to you at all, but upon seeing it the depression resulting from the severe lack of gossip today combined with my numbing hangover created a rage in me that I haven't felt since the last time I saw a ska-hippie. For more from this pointless and forgettable award show go here. I'll try to control my anger from this point on today. But just so you know, I probably won't succeed.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Baby steps, Y'all

There is more than enough evidence floating around to support the fact that Britney Spears is a FUCKING LUNATIC! I won't even bother giving you examples. (you already know, and i really am just that lazy) But to her credit, she has finally realized the true dangers of tetanus. She is in no way a better mother/singer/southerner/role model/person, than she was yesterday, but she did manage to put on some damn shoes before stepping into a public restroom.
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Baby steps, Y'all. Baby steps. Let's just hope that tomorrow will be a better day for Ms. Spears. Maybe she'll be wearing a better wig.

FAGGY SHIT.

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David Beckham in yet another classic gay pose. I had my doubts before, as he is married and has children, but Becks is a fag. For real.

MORE WILDLY SPECULATED GAY RUMORS:


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What's the best way to convince the suspecting world that you are not a raging homo? Surround yourself with bitches! Don't let this fool you. I bone up when my cat rubs against my leg.



If boning, impregnating, and marrying a man isn't enough for you bitches, I don't know what is.



What's Ne-Yo dreaming bout? Probably the dirty sanchez he was recently given. Oh, wait, that's just a dirtstache. Definitely GAY!



Clay Aiken is obviously gay right? Wrong! No self respecting fag would let himself go like Clay has.

Now, I am sure that there are more than a few guys that should be on this list. Any suggestions? Leave em in the comments. You would be surprised at how much fun blind speculation can be.

FAGGY SHIT, AMENDED.

I just found out that Clay Aiken's last album is titled A Thousand Different Ways. Totally FAGGY!

Get with the program, America.



In America, we base our game shows on the simple concepts of greed, stupidity, & yelling loud. In Japan, they do things a little differently - and also a lot better. Above, you'll find a video for what is only described as a 'Japanese tetris game'. It's almost as good as my other favorite Japanese game show. If only we could be as clever. Or as skinny.

You can do better than that



When you're entire body can be completely hidden behind a pillow...perhaps it is time to set the stakes a little bit higher. Find something smaller to hide behind, and then starve yourself until you are no longer able to be seen behind it. A pillow is pretty good, but I think you can do better, Nicole Richie. Might I suggest:

A Popsicle Stick


At 4.5 inches tall and 3/8 inches wide, you really can't set a better goal to attain. You'd have to find some way to magically shrink yourself, but I'm sure if you find the right combination of the drugs that you are undoubtedly on at any given time, you can make it happen.

A little person


Again, we're dealing with the height problem - but little people aren't called little because they are fatties. Even the fatties probably weigh in at about 80lbs! Not too bad, little people! I'm surprised you're not more popular, considering how little you weigh.

A potato


If you want to be skinny, you certainly cannot eat a potato. But if you are skinny, you sure as shit can hide behind one. Try not eating as many potatoes as possible, in order to (hopefully) be the size of one someday. If you follow this logic, you can think of that unfortunate soul that may or may not be growing inside of you as nothing more than the eye of your potato-like frame.

Any other thoughts of things that Nicole Richie could hide behind if she starved herself enough? Leave them in the comments! But you better make it fast, her DUI trial is scheduled to begin today. Man, jail is going to make her so thin & popular!

Source

Matthew McConaughey's School for Tools



Wanna turn that beer belly into rock hard abs that you can stare at and gently caress all day long?

Want to know where to score the best weed, shrooms, & roofies?

Do you think you're not as egotistical as you could be?

Well then, step right up! You could be the perfect candidate for Matthew McConaughey's School for Tools™!! At Matthew McConaughey's School for Tools™, you'll learn valuable skills such as:

*How to do pushups on a picnic table
*Which type of bandana or visor accurately represents your level of doucheyness
*How to get all KINDS of pussy!
*How to transform useless energy (respect for others) into useful energy (admiration for no one but yourself)
*Which bong is best for getting "totally high"
*What to do when the cops bust you for playing the bongos naked

And much MUCH more! Contact 1-800-TOOLS-R-US to enroll! Spaces are going fast (No, they're not).

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

This is back on!



I loved this show last year. So much in fact, that Girl #2 and I were going to form and team and try out! Unfortunately, we are both extremely lazy and opted for getting Slurpees instead. If you missed the first episode, you can watch it here. I will be watching this all week long, shouting the correct answers followed by "YOU ASSHOLES! HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID??? IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME" in between slurps of my slurpee. I just hope that this year's improv team , Jammin' on the 1, is less annoying than last year's improv team, Cheetara. More fun here.

Thanks for the reminder PopCandy.

Big Boobs won't hide your penis

It's summer and that means it is officially bikini time. This, even as a gay man, excites me. Or rather, it did...until i saw this:
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Getting GIANT fake tits won't make you look like less of a man Brooke. Just ask these two lovely "ladies".
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And big boobs certainly won't make your life any better. Nor, will it help your career. I bet these gals could probably give a word of advice. Psst... Brooke, don't take it!
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You see my lips movin' Brooke? Now listen up! I suggest that you be the he/she you were born to be. Let your clang fly free and learn to love the man/woman that God made you. That goes doubly for you too Serena and Chyna Doll.

Puffy free to puff anyone he wants


God, I love this picture of Kim Porter

Just as I, and everyone else, initially speculated, Puffy has finally left that lying, cheating, baby-mama ho-bag of a ho, Kim Porter. I don't know how he put up with her for so long. Always lying, always sneaking around, always grinding up on some fatty, always lookin' at some boobies:



Oh wait, that was Puffy that did all of that? Not Kim Porter? Well...enjoy collecting all of that child support, Kim! Make sure to spend some all of it on yourself. Take a lesson from Britney Spears. Babies can raise themselves. Allow me to bestow upon you a breakup song from one of the greatest movies of all time.

Old fashion Jigga

Call me old fashioned, but I like my celebrities to be unattainable and... well, better than me. I know that stars endorsing products is nothing new, but can somebody PLEASE tell me when it became the norm for celebrities, who make trillions of dollars, to do commercials instead of act in shitty movies/tv shows?!
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Alyssa! When you gonna make another gem like Poison Ivy?

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Kev, I'm still looking forward to another good movie in between all the usual bullshit you subject us to.
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You aren't even a fatty Carmen! Go back to being a prodigy or doing whatever else it is that you do.

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Anna, since you are now dead (Trimspa?) and you were a genuine fatty, i guess i don't have much to say.

And when the hell did having acne become cool? I have eczema and I ain't no star. Enough is enough celebrities! How will be able to look up to you without paying $9 to see you on the big screen? Get real jobs. NOW!

A little back story on our Jigga



This reminds me of the first time I stumbled upon our most recent addition to the blog, Jigga the Nigga, only I wasn't his mom. I was me. And then we made sweet, passionate love that he did not enjoy at all. Because he is gay. Good times.

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I love the smell of Dirtstache in the morning



This morning, I woke up & just knew it was going to be an extra-special day. In the air, I caught a whiff that smelled of old porn, mexican food, and laziness. It also reeked of a certain young hollywood star unable to completely get through the puberty process. Yes, the smell I smelled was Orlando Bloom's dirtstache. As its power drifted through the air in a brownish colored cartoon fog, reminiscent of a certain cartoon character whose power was in his stench, I hummed a familiar Ice Cube jam to myself, knowing that today most certainly was going to be, a good day.




I am not really an advocate of facial hair of any kind, except maybe on Bret from Flight of the Concords, who was not cute pre-facial hair:



But if your facial hair is refusing to grow faster than that of a 12-year-old boy's, perhaps you should reconsider your decision to grow it in the first place. Just sayin'. And, enjoy the videos. It's a good day, but it's also a slow day today on this here internets. We'll do what we can. Which is very little. But you already knew that.

Monday, July 9, 2007

I'm poor, black, I may even be ugly, but dear God I'm here, I'm here!

A quick introduction. I'm your new gay, Jigga the Nigga. I likes watermelon, fried chicken, orange soda, fruit punch (the kind that only comes in a gallon and makes your throat itch), ice cream sammiches, bad credit, names with unnecessary apostrophes, okra, ham hocks, cornbread, and other various "negro" things. But, don't worry all you faithful readers of TGG, i promise not to black up the blog too much!


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