Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Freedom's light burning warm

The 4th of July is my favorite holiday, mostly due to the fact that we celebrate by eating, boozing and setting things on fire. What more could you want? Since we love eating, drinking and boozing so g.d. much - we are taking an extended vacation. That's right, bitches. We'll be back, hopefully more hungover than ever, on Monday. We suggest that you spend your time without us going back and re-reading the entire blog cover to cover. While you're doing that, we'll be filming the sequel to that popular GM commercial with that oh, so catchy John Mellencamp song. And, before I go - I didn't want celebrities to be the only ones to show how much they fucking totally miss Princess Diana, so here's the most patriotic song in the world, sung by a guy in the most sparkly purple shirt in the world, in which Princess Diana witnessed first hand. TODAY! Have a great weekend! TODAY! I'm mentally drunk already. TODAY! And as always, THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING THE BLOG! TODAY! *EXPLOSION* The end.

The day I've been waiting for has finally arrived!

YESSSS! Nicole Richie is pregnant! At least, that's what TMZ and In Touch are reporting. Finally! A woman who is in a healthy state of mind, body & soul is having a baby! Everybody sing! Everybody dance! Lose yourself in wild romance, just like she did! I can't wait to find out if it's possible for a newborn baby to suffer from an eating disorder. Karamu! Fiesta! Forever!


The object of my she-bone's affection, John Legend, brought an extremely lucky and extremely undeserving (because she is not me) ho up on stage and showed Akon how classy griding is done. Then he respectfully got a boner, and continued to grind. The ho doesn't seem to mind, and I certainly wouldn't either. I'm considering this America's gift to me on its birthday. Thank you, 'Merica for John Legend & his boner's existence.

Stars: They're Fucking So Much Like Us

Hey, Jessica Biel! Or at least I think that's you. That's what Jezebel told me anyway. Might I make a suggestion? The next time you're picking up the dresses that you've just had Justin Timberlake's jizz removed from, and you decide to literally wear the dry cleaning bag home...perhaps you should tie the bottom closed, then promptly jump into the nearest river. Just a thought...

Celebrity Le Art: 4th of July Edition

Its time once again to eloquently portray some of our favorite celebrities with a little something we call, le art. Everyone makes plans for the 4th of July and they usually include eating, drinking and lighting up some firecrackers at some point. Its a day where we remember our freedoms and independence, and the same goes for our fellow celebrities, who are extremely happy to live a free, fair world, especially if you are rich and famous. (See Paris Hilton anything for reference). Lets check out what some celebrities are doing to celebrate, honor and remember this great day when a bunch of fat men in wigs signed a piece of paper.

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I'm on Isaiah's side on this one

I haven't really brought up this Isaiah Washington scandal all that much for many reasons, which I will now list for you:

1) I hate Grey's Anatomy and generally could give a shit about anyone on that show

2) I start reading about it and then get bored and start daydreaming about Snickers bars, which forces me to go get one, and when I get back I forgot that I was even reading about it in the first place

3) Isaiah has too many vowels in his first name, and that enrages me.

However, Isaiah went on the most reputable show in the world, Larry King Live, last night in effort #1,234,347 to clear his name. In the interview he said that it's all Patrick Dempsey's fault:

Isaiah says that when he confronted McDreamy about his lateness, his co-star became "unhinged, sprayed spittle in my face ... He just becomes irate." Then, well, Isaiah "said several bad words," something along the lines of, "There's no way you're going treat me like the B-word, the P-word, or the F-word." Ever-unrepentant Washington still tried to cover his tracks, saying that "fa**ot" wasn't meant to be a slur, but just "somebody who is being weak."

I understand, man. I use faggot in the same way. When Grandma asks me to help her open a jar of jelly that just wont budge, I gently smile and say "Give it here, ya faggot" and open the jar for her. When there's a heavy box that needs lifting and I just can't manage to do it all on my own, I yell, "Can I get some help here? I'm too much of a faggot to do this on my own!" And when I'm karaoking a certain jam by a certain group of Sisters With Voices, I change the title of the track to "Faggot" instead of "Weak". I feel you on this one, Isaiah, and am willing to campaign with you to get our definition in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Like Mother, Like Trash...

Fresh out of rehab (just for the party, y'all - she's not officially out yet), Linday Lohan did what she does best - wear a bikini in a blatant display for the paparazzi. What in the sweet lord's name is going on with those shoes? Anyhoo - I'm sure her 21st birthday party would have been a lot better if there was alcohol, or at the very least some co-caine, involved. Oh well, I've penciled the 'falling off the wagon' to take place on August 5th at the very latest. I hope I'm wrong. I hope it's much, much sooner. You know how we love them broken here at TGG. Dina, I'm looking at you to assist in your daughter's certain relapse so it can happen in a timely fashion. We can't wait around forever. All you need to do is sprinkle some quaaludes onto her birthday cake, the same way that Steve Sanders spiked Brandon's drink on 90210. Then she will have no choice but to say "Fuckit, the damage has been done" and go on a binge the likes of which have never been seen...since the last time she binged. Become Steve Sanders, permed hair and all, Dina. The world is counting on you.

More of the sober lame bash here.


I think this kid went to my high school - if so, he was just as faggy then.

The blogs are a'buzz with the life enriching news that Fantasia Barrino has her clit pierced. Yes...AND???? Why's everyone making such a big deal about this? I have my ass pierced. Yes, my ass. It's a giant barbell, at least 12 inches, that goes straight through both ass cheeks. It bridges my a-hole. Too Much Information or Just Enough Information? You decide.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Reason #345 to love Tracy Morgan

A lot of comedians would probably be down with cross-dressing for a photoshoot, although I'm not sure how many would be comfortable taking it to the streets in said attire. Tracy Morgan doesn't give an eff, though! And this time he's not even drunk! I know this because he's proudly sporting his alcohol monitoring advice right above his classy heels. And according to TMZ the woman standing by her man in the photo above has been doing so for twenty-two years! Tracy, you had me at your many, many instances of public drunkeness. You kept me by dressing like a lady. Keep up the good work, sir.

Boobs & Butts & Wang (Grabbing)

Wow! Lots of "celebrities" were showing off their naughty bits in a celebration of their freedom. Lets start with two people who are getting married this weekend, and also who I coincidentally hate:

I think the photographer captured a beautiful moment here, the moment in which Tony Parker shockingly realized who he was actually marrying. Why he's airing out his french ass is still unbeknownst to me, but I'm willing to bet it has something to do with "preparing his kingdom" if you will, for the rim job he is hoping to receive as a wedding gift from his bride-to-be. Good luck with that!

That Noxema Girl/Dylan's girlfriend that died on 90210/that girl that killed that kid was caught this weekend desperately vying for her husband, Eric Dane's attention. First, she tried grabbing him in the junk. Judging from his face, he is not too impressed with this gesture. So then, she stripped down in front of friends and their kids and dangled her boobies at him:

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Not sure how her husband felt about this display, but the 9-year-old & 6-year-old were quoted as saying that she "does a boner good". Hey, Missy Elliot! How'd you feel about that last joke?

Me too, Missy. Me too.

Source, Source.

Who Rocked it: Bug Eyes

On the left, Beyonce in NYC over the weekend with Jay-Z. On the right, Hottie from Flavor of love at the 2006 BET Awards. Which one of these ladies has the bug eyes that you want staring back at you after you've woken up from a long night of drinking and begin to come to the sad realization that the hot lady that you took home from the bar actually looks like this? Beyonce, you really are looking like Hottie's sister, and no one...NO ONE...wants that. Get it together.

I understand why she did this

Over the weekend, Elizabeth Hurley dressed up her child/spawn of Satan, Damian, in a bikini and posted the images on her website in hopes to widen the overpriced swimwear market by capturing the hard earned lunch money of small-children. Unfortunately for all of us, people were so pissed about her cross-dressing her son that the images have been taken down. While I may judge Hurley for trying to sell a fashion bikini to a 4-year-old, I do not fault her for dressing her kid up as a girl. That kid is evil in its purest form, and something needed to be done in order to tame the savage beast that lies within him. Dressing him up as a girl will not only break his demonic spirit, but it will probably make him feel fun and fancy free. She's only trying exercise the demons, y'all.

Source via Dlisted.