Friday, June 29, 2007

Try to battle my boys? That's not legal.

Ah, it's been a while since I've posted a video for no other reason than that I find it to be sweet. Enjoy Bobby Brown, and enjoy your weekend! Especially if you are celebrating the 4th this weekend. But please, be careful. You don't want to end up sharing the same tragic fate that these highly flammable, not really comparable to humans at all, plaster mannequins were forced to endure. What will I be doing this weekend? Setting my new iPhone to vibrate and making sweet, passionate, technological love to it all weekend long. Don't call me. Oh, wait a second. Please call me. Often.

Who is that redheaded slut?

Marcia Cross? Is that you? Kathy Griffin? Could that be you? What? What's that you say? That's SHARON STONE???? Are you sure? Did carrot-top make a woman out of her? It only gets better:

Hayden Panettiere: Ho or Not-A-Ho

Sure, she likes to make out with her dad, but does that make Hayden Panettiere a ho? Maybe! We'll find out! Did you know that cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded? I think I heard that in a movie...It's Blank or Not-A-Blank!

First off, let's address the issue at hand. That picture above. Recently, a bunch of candid photos of Hayden were released onto the internet. I find the picture to be highly insulting, degrading, and just plain trashy. What kind of douchebag poses with a bust of an ass?

My sweet dear lord. Where did that come from!'s different when I do it, and for some reason, I don't really have a problem with that photo anymore. Not-A-Ho

What the hell kind of last name is Panettiere? I'll tell you what kind of name it is, an unnecessary one. That shit is far too long, and I'm calling her Pants from now on. Ho

We all know Pants as the cheerleader from Heroes, but did you know that she was also nominated for a Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album for Children for A Bug's Life Read-Along? Me neither! Do you care? Me neither! But she is an aspiring singer, and her Myspace is a music page filled with some shitty jams. Another actress turned singer, eh? This has all the makings of a ho. Ho

Here is a picture of Pants and her mom:

Yikes! Doesn't Mom Pants resemble another famous Hollywood mom, the mother of a certain starlet that Hayden absolutely does NOT want to be confused with? How does that old saying go? Ah that's right. If your mom's a ho, you's a ho. Ho

Pants seems to be a kind and gentle soul. Most people scream and run in the other direction if they see Rumer Willis coming at them, but not our Pants! She throws a yellow sweatshirt on her friend's chin and takes the beast shopping! She's a lot nicer than I am. Not-A-Ho

Unfortunately for Pants, helping out the less fortunate looking is not going to save her from being a Ho. I really thought Pants was gonna win this one, but even a picture like this:

can't make you Not-A-Ho. I still like you though! See how that works? You're a likable ho! Nothing wrong with that. Did I miss something? Do you disagree with my musings? I don't know how you could, because I am infallible, but if you must attempt to point out any errors, please do so in the comments. But know, you will burn in hell for your transgressions. Good luck!

This is what true love looks like.

Is it just me, or does Evan Rachel Wood look like she regrets her decision to shack up with Marilyn Manson? But maybe I'm misinterpreting this, and she's actually gazing with loving affection at Manson's disgusting turkey neck. Why does he always looks like he is about to vomit? Maybe that's how she eats? He mama-birds food into her mouth. How romantic. Sorry I'm ruining your day with these photos.

Confessions: I love bone

When I was 12ish, I was caught stealing Bone Thugs-N-Harmony's E. 1999 Eternal cd. Perhaps that is why I will always love Bone. Reminds me of the good times. Here is their latest song, unfortunately without the lyrical genius of Bizzy Bone. It's far too long, too repetitive, and has far too many people on it, but...I like it. I can't help it. I need to go to Bone rehab. For the group, and for all the whoring. Here's another song from the new album, in which they sample Fleetwood Mac. Fucking amazing.

My shorts is in my vag, y'all

What does a lady wear when she is about to serve her mother with a letter from her lawyer stating that mom is to stay away from her children when she's on the drugs? Well, if you are Britney Spears, you are not a lady, so you wear a silk tank top, sans bra (obvs), and some dangerously short cutoffs that leave the frayed ends no other choice but to seek refuge inside of the Spears baby slide. And don't forget to try to get the frayed ends out of your vagina by furiously picking at your cave while you nonchalantly try explain to your mother that you, Britney Spears, deem her unfit. If you have some sort of sick desire to see what I've just described to you unfold, by all means, have at it. You will soon find that I've described this scene with an uncanny amount of accuracy. Let us not forget that we should have no sympathy for Mom Spears. If Britney was my daughter and she tried to pull this shit with me, I would grab her by her flydana and do what I should have done a long time ago...beat the ever loving shit out of her. Instead, Mom Spears sits in awe as her trashy spawn saunters off, still fussing with her vag. And there you have it. A day in the life of the Spears family. And with that, I'm off to order myself a flydana.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Someone is a bit confused

Looks like someone didn't sit little LeeLee Sobieski down and explain to her that the Black Tie Boxing event she attended last night was not to be taken literally. Can someone get on that? And while you're at it, can you let her know that there's a fine line between being ironic and being an asshole, and that she's clearly crossed over onto the latter? Thanks!


Stop going to Disney World

Every morning, it's the same routine. I get up. Get in the shower. Take a massive dump. Get out of the shower & go to work. Then, I sit down and open up and look at Star Tracks; their daily dose of celebrity photos. Almost every other day there is some douchebag celebrity taking some cheesy picture with a Disney character at the Magic Kingdom.

I know. Celebrities are often forced to do a lot of shameless promotion that they'd rather not do. But why do ALL celebrities have to promote Disney? Aside from the fact that they own everything (select Walt Disney Corporation from the drop down). Black celebrities, white celebrities, kid celebrities, adult celebrities. Everyone is getting their g.d. picture taken at Disney World and I've had enough! No one wants to see Steve Harvey, or anyone for that matter, with Minnie Mouse hanging on to his arm like a desperate girlfriend.

Therefore, I propose that stars either stop posing for stupid publicity photos at Disney World or at least spice the photos up a bit. I've seen you standing next to Wizard Mickey, and Pirate Mickey, and Whore Minnie. What I want to see is something more along the lines of this:

You're still promoting this monster of a corporation, but looking fly while doing it! Make it happen, celebrities. Half of you have already flashed your boobs a million times, why not fancy them up a bit for Mickey? I guarantee that it's what the people want.

100 years, 100 quotes, 100 numbers

Here is a really cool way to kill 10 minutes today, especially if you like movies as much as I do. Someone found movie quotes that included the numbers 1 through 100 and edited them together in a neat countdown. After you've watched it and tried to see how many movies you can name, you can go here to see the list of films used. Wowzers! What will they think of next? My suggestion is a light bulb made out of magic! Someone already thought of that?!?! Man, the future's so bright, I should really put on some UV protectant glasses...or something...


Usher & Boyfriend defy science; announce baby

Usher and the man he is slated to marry, Tameka Foster officially announced that they are expecting a baby. It is rumored that the two furiously rubbed their wangs together, attempting to start a fire of love, and Tameka wound up pregnant. She is currently undergoing intense medical treatment as this defies all scientific laws known to man. Which she is. She's a man. Got that? Also a man...Serena Williams:

Fine, dude. It's all about you. It can be 'all about you' all that you want, as long as you keep your beast of a body away from me. These dudes are scaring me.

Spice up your vag

Look! It's the Spice Girls! And they've reunited and will bestow upon us more beautiful and groundbreaking music! But this isn't your old Spice Girls. Naw. Fuck that. This the new Spice Girls. Posh, Sporty, er...Red?, Baby & Scary have been replaced with Dominatrix, Hipster, Grandma, Preggo, & Paternity Spice! Finally, a group of girls that actually represent how I could be feeling at any given moment. Sometimes, I feel like a slut, some times I don't. Well, that's not true. I always feel like a slut. But sometimes I feel like an S&M slut, other times I'm giving hand jobs for tickets to the sold-out White Stripes show, or sometimes to the elderly to thank them for being old. Sometimes I get pregnant from being a slut, and then I'm accusing people of being the father and going on Maury to get paternity tests done. See! A spice for all seasons! This is going to be the greatest reunion of all time.


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Ska-Hippie Alert: Gwen Stefani

Back in her No Doubt days, Gwen Stefani dabbled in Ska-Hippery. Now that they've had a brief reunion, it seems that she has woken the ska-hippie that was napping within her breast from its deep slumber. It's like she found the 90's drawer in her closet and just threw on whatever was in there. Do whatever you want, Gwen, but this is not fair to your son. You can tell that he is not pleased about being carted around by his Ska-Hippie mom, just as he is not pleased to be wearing Ugg boots in the summer. Do right by your kid, Gwen. This isn't just about you anymore.

Top 5 Moments from the BET Awards

The humans are dead

#5) Robo-Beyonce

Beyonce emerged on stage in some sort of Robocop get up, and if this is what robots are really going to be like in the future, please kill me now. I really don't want to be sung to death by Robo-Beyonce in the Robot Holocaust of 2037. However I do respect that when Beyonce called for everyone to do an "old school dance", she chose the butterfly. Watch the performance here.

#4) The Return of Lil Kim

It was good to see Lil Kim back on stage again. The trashy Kim that I know and love was missing from the red carpet, but she did her best to bring back the trash once she hit the stage. Sure, she got a little winded toward the end, and she was unfortunately sharing the stage with that asshat Puffy, but it's a start! I'm hoping her new cd will have songs that will make "How Many Licks" seem tame. But leave Sisqo at home, please. Watch last night's performance here. But if you'd rather not, because that would mean that you'd have to watch Puffy lipsync his way through a simple hook, just watch 'How Many Licks' (NSFW), and remember the good times.

#3) The time it took to get fiddy on stage

This really should be the #1 moment of the night. 50 cent gets introduced, and you think he's going to start the performance...instead he walks around the crowd, laughing & shaking hands with people for a full minute. The beat keeps going, the DJ asks, "YO, WHAT UP FIDDY!" as part of the general nonsensical banter that begins any radio-friendly hip hop song. But as it becomes clear that 50 cent is not about to start singing anytime soon, the DJ asks again, this time a bit more earnestly, "50? What's up, man?" It's like he was saying..."Um...for real this time, what the shit are you doing 50?". To which 50 actually replies, "I'm trying to figure out where everybody at". They're all right there, 50. Sitting there, waiting for you to stop fucking around and start singing. Eventually he gets to it, but that intro was priceless.

#2) All the screaming

Man, black ladies sure do love to scream! Between The Jennifers, Patti Labelle screaming while Gladys Knight laughs, and Chaka Khan during the Diana Ross tribute - I've had my fill of screams for the year. Unless, of course, someone breaks out the ice cream. Then I will most certainly be screaming right with the black ladies.

#1) The Tributes

When my ears stopped throbbing from the screaming, I realized that the tributes last night were pretty amazing. It was great to see Erykah Badu, Stevie Wonder, and fine, I guess it was okay to see Chaka Khan join them in paying tribute to Dirty Diana. The James Brown tribute was a great way to end the night, and I was so happy to see Flavor Flav go back to his roots, instead of acting like an asshole on some shitty reality dating show. When all is said and done, I was pretty impressed with this year's award show. That shit was long as a black man's wang, but would you expect anything else, really? Say it loud! I'm black (on the inside) and proud! Here is a complete list of winners.

Another reason to love The Stamos

As if you needed another reason. Here is John Stamos all sauced up in an Austrailian TV interview. The day before this television interview, he was kicked out of an interview with the Daily Telegraph for being wasted, which he spun as being jet lagged. This video above was too long for me to watch (anything longer than 3 minutes needs to be on par with Vagina Power in order to hold my attention), but if you click through it, you'll see that The Stamos eventually ends up practically sitting on the lady's lap. Uncle Jesse, you can get wasted and sit on my lap any day. I'll kick you out...right out of my lap and into my vagina.


A piece of advice for Jay-Z

Here's just a little reminder of what Amy Winehouse looked like before American influence took hold of her. Aside from the bejeweled top, she looks good. Well, she looks a hell of a lot better than the toothless, cracked out, and apparently self-mutilating mess we now see plastered all over the magazines. During an interview with Spin magazine, Amy used a piece of broken mirror that she had kept from the photoshoot with the mag to carve the words "I love Blake" into her stomach. Amy's husband Blake Fielder-Civil, aka England's Kevin Federline, also threatened to slit the throat of a guy in the room, and said that it looked like his potential victim had leukemia. This is only going to get worse before it gets better, and my suggestion to Jay-Z is to cut all ties. Just slowly start backing out of the room. Focus on Rihanna, the good girl gone bad, rather than Amy - the bad girl gone worse. Although, I will give her some credit. It's been a while since we had a totally insane musician that people actually cared about. And in no way am I suggesting that Amy turn down the crazy. By all means, cut yourself, crap in a jar and give it to a fan, insist that all of your interviews are held underwater - we love that shit! Just a heads up to Jigga, that's all.

Edit: Did I judge the Wino too soon? This video shows the singer right after the carving incident happened, and Amy delightfully explains that it was just "chicken scratch". I've now decided that I like Amy Winehouse again due to her adorable british accent. Still think she should lose the deadbeat husband though.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

To Do: Prepare for BET Awards

Oh, I'm sorry. White people, were you not aware that the 2007 BET Awards were on tonight? It's a good thing that I, being a white/black, am here to help you prepare for one of the greatest moments in all of television. The awards haven't even begun yet, and already there are fights a brewin'! This award show is like the Oscars, if the Oscars weren't run by a bunch of pussies. And racist white people. Anyhoo - I'm here to help you prepare for the award show tonight, in the event that you were invited to attend. Here we go:

#1) If you win a prestigious BET Award, make sure you have practiced your "I can't believe it! ME???" face. A stunning example of this would be Mary J. Blige at the ASCAP's Rhythm & Soul awards last night:

#2) If you don't win a BET Award, you better have your angry face ready. It's best if you prepare for your devastating loss by rocking the anger all night long. Take T.I. aka T.I.P. aka Punchy McPuncherton at his album release party last night:

#3) If the fashion at last year's award show is any indication, you should buy a dress that you like, and then promptly cut it up in order to win 'the most inappropriate display of skin' award. Please enjoy as the dresses get progressively worse:

#4) If you are like me and are unable to attend the awards due to the fact that you weren't invited, do what I plan on doing. Enjoy the show while simultaneously enjoying a vat of popcorn lathered in butter and coated in chocolate, three tubs of ice cream, chili cheese fries, cotton candy, deep fried candy corn, and some mountain dew - GUILT FREE! You know why? Because Monique is hosting! She has taught me to be all that I can be. And all that I can be just so happens to be fat.

Go to the official site for more info, including a list of the performers.

Wrasslers is crazy

This wrestler, Chris Benoit, is believed to have straight up murdered his family and himself. TMZ has some details:

Several Atlanta-based law enforcement sources have told TMZ Benoit may have strangled his wife on Saturday, then smothered his son in his bed a day later. Investigators refuse to officially comment, pending final confirmation by the coroner on the cause and time of the deaths.

And this is why people need to stay off the 'roids. I'm slightly ashamed to admit that I have, in fact, watched wrestling. But back in my day, if a wrestler got angry, he just shook some ropes. He most certainly did not strangle his wife and smother his son. Apparently, things have changed. In order to get my mind off this depressing subject, I'd like to send a special video out to Girl #2. Behold your boyfriend meeting his demise at the hands of what once was my favorite wrassler:

Celebrities at their most ridiculous

Is your injury really that deep, Gwyneth Paltrow? From here it looks like you scraped your knee, and from my experience, the appropriate reaction to bumping your knee is not breaking out the crutches, it is more along the lines of this:


Who let the tard out?

Oh jesus. We all knew this day was going to come...Paris Hilton is out of jail, and if you thought that the overwhelming onslaught of Paris news was bad while she was in jail, just's only going to get worse now that she's out. Paris said that she is a changed ho now that she's been in the clink, and I think her braid represents that she is now a good, wholesome, young woman - and also possibly a sister-wife of some crazy mormon penpal who wrote her love letters during her stay in jail. I firmly believe that she is either reformed or retarded, judging solely from this photo of her upon release:

Hmmm...hard to say which one it is. But we are still committed to bringing you only the Paris news that you should care about, which will remain to be little to none. Trust us, we got you on this one. For example, when Paris makes some le art for TMZ in jail, you know that we'll show it to you:

My God, not only is she a great singer and actress, but an artist too? TRIPLE THREAT! Not since my 7-year-old cousin Billy has there been an artist that could master the technique of one-point perspective quite like the heiress. Well done, Paris. Well done.

Monday, June 25, 2007

What happened to Pharell's face?

Pharell Williams used to be hot. Hot in that a little bit too skinny, and dresses as well as the gays do, but surprisingly isn't gay (that we know of...) kind of way. Ladies n' Gays, you know what I'm talking about:

But now, something tragic has happened to Pharell's face. I don't know if he's not eating, or if he's just been hanging around with Michael Jackson a bit too long, but...something just ain't right with the boy's cheeks, and I think Penelope Cruz knows it too:

Pharell, you're scaring me. Please eat something or you and your wacky blazer can just slink back into the shadows from whence you came.

New Workout: Fatsfiguredtard-Bo!

Maybe you should think twice about working on your fitness in front of a large audience when you've traded your sit ups for sitting in a recliner, and your energy drinks for beers, Billy Blanks. But if Billy Blanks stopped doing the Tae-Bo, what in the sweet lord's name would he do with all of his camouflage leotards?

Is it just me, or does Billy sort of look like Sloth in that picture?

Does anyone else want to break out those Tae-Bo tapes again after seeing a new, fat, possibly disfigured, mildly retarded looking Billy Blanks? I feel like I should give this Fatsfiguredtard-Bo workout another try if this is the end result.

Can Someone Please Explain...

Now that the word is out that Eddie Murphy is the father of Mel B's baby, all the neighborhood kids are trying to meet their real father. Head up, eyes forward, Eddie. Don't look those kids in the eyes. Throw rocks at them if they make it over that fence, and run to the hills! Run for your life! That's a whole lotta child support and you don't want their grimy, bastard hands dirtying up your nice white suit. Got a different idea as to what is going on here? Let us know, in the comments. And you know what? Why the hell not:

Cameron Diaz laughs at your misfortune

Cameron Diaz laughed her way around Peru this weekend wearing a bag that bore a red star the words "Serve the People" printed in Chinese. "Like, tee-hee, stars are cute!", she most likely exclaimed as she purchased the bag in China on one of her many adventures there. Apparently, people in Peru were pretty pissed about her choice in accessory:

The bags are marketed as fashion accessories in some world capitals, but in Peru the slogan evokes memories of the Maoist Shining Path insurgency that fought the government in the 1980s and early 1990s in a bloody conflict that left nearly 70,000 people dead.

"Like...oopsie?" she said. Actually, she said:

"I sincerely apologize to anyone I may have inadvertently offended. The bag was a purchase I made as a tourist in China and I did not realize the potentially hurtful nature of the slogan printed on it,"

I'm not ashamed to admit that I had never heard of the Maoist Shining Path insurgency, and I don't read "squiggly" so I couldn't have translated the bag either. But I feel comfortable judging Cameron just as I judge any a-hole who gets a tattoo of a totally sweet, totally original asian character that is supposed to mean "Strength" but actually ends up meaning "Pussy" because the coked up tattoo artist placed a squiggly in the wrong place. Those squigglies actually are words, not just hip designs to ignorantly wear in the name of fashion. As a punishment, I think that 70,000 Peruvians should all line up and each get a swift kick at Cameron's bony ass dangly clang for her transgressions. That would make me feel better, at least.