Friday, June 22, 2007

The Countdown Continues...

Today marks the "Only 100 more days until Phil will love me for a whole night" occasion. September 30 at the Palace for the Genesis concert, from there we will remove an 'a' and that makes, 'Place' as in, 'My Place'. And its got me feeling all kinds of groovy love.

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When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you and then, I'm not so blue
When you're close to me, I can feel your heart beat
I can hear you breathing in my ear
Wouldn't you agree, baby, you and me
Got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love

Try not gazing into his eyes - I dare you.

No more party all the time...

Its official. Much like many have been saying for months now, Eddie Murphy is officially a baby daddy to the spawn of Scary Spice.

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Sorry, Eddie. Pointing the finger elsewhere ain't gonna cut it this time.
What made you think you could get away with it? You think guys are just lining up to bone Scary Spice sans le condom?

Maybe it had to do with you being a bit..

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But it appears you need to get all your ducks in a row and start taking care of this kid you've been neglecting and rejecting for so long. Maybe you play the voice of an ass, but its time to stop being one. So put away all the fat costumes and bust out your ABC's and blocks. Lets be honest, there's a good chance this isn't the only baby of yours that might be out there either. You were after all, the Beverly Hills Cop.

But best of all, for Melanie Brown a/k/a Scary Spice, the news couldn't come at a better time, as she and the other whores she used to sing with have announced that on June 28th they will tell the world if they plan on reuniting as The Spice Girls, or not. Save the date ya'll, this could be some major news.

Eddie Murphy was not available for comment on any of the aforementioned, but if he were, I imagine he'd have this to say:

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And yes, he would be in cartoon format as well.


Lily Allen: Twat or Not-A-Twat

Dang. Lily Allen's not looking too good, y'all. Why don't we try to bring her down some more by finding out if she's a twat or not-a-twat! Hey! I bet she'll write a myspace blog all about it! What fun! For us, anyway. Let's get started! Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them. It's blank or not-a-blank!

At first, I kind of liked Lily Allen. I mean, I didn't know that much about her (and I still don't really) but I knew that she liked to drink, and usually that's all it takes to get on my good side. But she seems to have gone from happy drunk to sad bastard, and trust me Lily, no good can come from that. The last time I got all mopey from drinking I woke up in a pool of my own vomit which I then ate for breakfast. I will spare you the details, but let me just say thank god I ate some fries the night before, that way there was still something solid to gnaw on as I attempted to regain consciousness. What I'm trying to say is, Find your happy place again, Lily. Twat

Lily Allen came out with a ridiculously adorable line of dresses and crap this year. Unfortunately for us here in the 'Mericas, this stuff was only released in England. Maybe if I don't call her a twat she'll bring it stateside? Not-A-Twat?

Lily needs to decide if she gives an eff or if she doesn't give an eff. You can't have it both ways, girl. And you certainly cannot document your 'giving an eff' flip-flopping on your myspace blog, as pointed out by The Hater. Twat

Holy crap! Lily Allen and I share the same birthday! No one born on the glorious Second day of May is a twat! Not even you...Brooke Hogan?

Okay...Maybe you, Brooke Hogan. But I'm giving Lily this one. Not-A-Twat

Seems like Lily Allen is always either talking shit about someone, calling people names, dealing drugs, or getting in drunken fights. Wow. Sounds a lot like me. Only I've got one up on you, Lily. I do all of the above simultaneously while head-butting a baby with downs syndrome and blowing second hand smoke in the face of the elderly. That's how we roll in America, Lily. Love it or leave it. Twat

Right now, I'm saying that she's a twat. A cute twat (the picture above notwithstanding), but a twat none the less. She's also a young twat who doesn't seem to realize that while the celebrity world closely resembles high school, it's best not to treat it as such. But if they all acted responsibly, there would be no gossip and I'd be reduced to making fun of ordinary people on the street, which usually ends up in me getting arrested. And no one wants that. So keep on twatting it up, Lily! What do you guys think? Please leave your verdict in the comments, and thanks to reader hothamwater for the suggestion! Got a suggestion, well go ahead and leave that in the comments too!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

NBC is full of retards.

NBC has reportedly offered Paris Hilton a million dollars - thats right A MILLION DOLLARS - to be the first network to interview her after her release from prison.

Way to go NBC! That'll teach her a lesson! Lets pay this already rich dumbass more money just to talk about how she had to pretend to be treated like everyone else for a change. I don't even find this funny. I am appalled at how low NBC would stoop for ratings. What better lesson is there to teach Americans than to show that being irresponsible and spending time in a jail cell thats probably nicer than most people's homes, is actually the road to a million dollars? Why is everyone trying to get on a game show to win money? Just marry into a famous, wealthy family and then proceed to get a DUI, and stupidly drive on a suspended license and viola! Before you know it you could be looking at a quick 1,000,000.

Worst of all, this bitch doesn't even need the money. You'd think she'd at least offer it to charity, or a struggling blogger, but that would have to rely on her actually being a decent human being with a heart - as opposed to a transvestite-like body with a raging libido.

Not even Paris knows what to do with this "chump change" she will be receiving. Bitch is running out of places to stash her hoards of money.

But we all know one place that certainly stretches enough to have plenty of room to fit every dollar of that million.

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And look, Paris found it!


Summer weddings ruin lives

Ah, the first day of Summer! The greatest thing about summer is when all of your a-hole friends decide that they are going to ruin your summer by filling it with weddings & all the crap that goes with them. Showers, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, more showers...this is the main reason why I often find myself getting far too intoxicated at the reception. I have to dull the pain of my summer being ripped from me like how I plan on ripping sweet Henry Seal Klum from Heidi's German arms one day. Today not only marks the first official day of Summer, but also the beginning of wedding season with the first wedding I'm contractually obligated to attend. If I can pull myself from sobbing in the corner somewhere, whispering "It should have been me...Always a wedding attendee and never a bride", I may find time to update. You'll have your blank or not-a-blank tomorrow, and there will be updates from the other two jokers on this blog too. So keep checking back, have a good weekend, stop getting married in the summer, and see you Monday, if not before!

Beyonce in ye olde times

If Beyonce would have been alive in 1912, and also aboard the Titanic, I have a feeling the the outcome would have been a lot different. She could have just said, "Ahoy! Women & children! Climb aboard my ass and I shall save ye!" (She would say "ye" because that's how they talked back then). All the little kiddies would have climbed upon her ass, and she would have swam them to safety, then entertained them by singing Bootylicious, which they would have found to be rather offensive. She would then have been burned at the stake - for offending them and for being black - because people sure did love their racism back then. That phenomenal and groundbreaking movie would have had an even bigger buzzkill for an ending (If you can even IMAGINE. I cried for like, DAYS, after seeing Kate never let go - only actually let go because he was dead, and holding onto a dead body is gross and gets rather heavy), so I guess everyone is better off that Beyonce is alive now and gracing us with her presence by drinking a faggy drink of some sort in the pool. Her time is much better spent drinking dranks rather than saving lives, don't you agree?

What do you think they are saying?

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Renee: Of course I knew I would rock in Chicago. I mean, didn't you ever see my performance in Empire Records. I sang on a roof! A roof!! Isn't that the most incredible thing you've ever heard? I also haven't eaten anything since that performance either!

Sarah Jessica: Oh Renee, you played a slut in that movie and you dressed like a whore in Chicago, but the eating thing is incredible! I for one reached my peak on Dance TV. Shout! Breakout!

Tell us what you think they're saying in the comments!

Another classic gets destroyed

Sometimes, you really should keep your grimy little paws off a classic. Does anything good ever come from a remake? Answer: Very rarely. For the most part, Classic movies should not be touched, leave our favorite TV shows alone, and sometimes pop songs should remain as such. A song whose lyrics describe its saccharine quality should be allowed to quietly go down in history as one of the greatest songs of all time, instead of having Mandy Moore try to turn it into a soulful ballad. You know why you forgot the words to the song, Mandy? It's because you didn't sing it the right way. The song is rejecting the transformation. Bring back its deliciously addictive, cheesy beat - or simply never sing it again. I can't believe you did this to me, Mandy. I thought I knew you.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Work it, Z!

Zahara is ready for her close up, Mr. DeMille! Did Brangelina ever take a second to consider the fact that their children may choose to become coked-up fame whores, the likes of which that would even make Lindsay Lohan look tame, over a boring, yet spiritually fulfilling career as a third world ambassador? I think that they have convinced themselves that by saving these children from their savage & emaciated pasts, that the Jolie-Pitt clan will be destined to do great things for the world. News flash, Brangie: Hollywood might be worse than an everyday struggle in some impoverished country. Just look at Zahara! She's gonna be boning Colin Farrell in no time. Pax is still trying to figure out why the trees and barren landscape of his home country have been replaced with an army of insane women who point phones and flashy lights at him, but Zahara's been in the game a little longer. She loves that shit. Watch that one closely, Brangelina. And I'm not just saying that because she's black.


Incest vs. Beastiality

On the left, Hayden Panettiere (the cheerleader from Heroes) seemingly making out with the guy who plays her dad on Heroes. One the right, a dog licks the fake titty of Pamela Anderson. A question to you: What would would you rather spend your Wednesday afternoon gazing at? Incest or Bestiality? I know the cheerleader and the dad isn't technically incest, but it might as well be since they are related on tv, and I believe everything I see on tv. Following this logic, I firmly believe that there is no hope with dope, that I should think twice before buying condoms, and I've learned never to believe a ska-hippie with a guitar or my gay friends. Thanks TV! I don't know where I'd be without you.

More Incest!

More Beastiality!

Told you so!

What? What's that you say, Page Six? Christina Aguilera is pregnant? You don't say! I could have sworn I heard that somewhere before! That's okay, I can congratulate myself. I'd like to thank my sad, pathetic attempt at a life, for allowing me to notice when a pop-star who hasn't done anything worth noticing in years starts covering up her belly. I'd like to thank my endless love of tabloid magazines for showing me that wild speculation = success & profit. Except for the whole "success & profit" part, which I didn't really get to benefit from. And finally, I'd like to present myself with the prestigious "Celebrity Baby exploitation" award:

The baby on the left represents Christina's spawn, who we will henceforth refer to as "Dirtay Girl #1 Jr." as previously discussed. The baby on the right represents Shiloh Jolie-Pitt - queen of celebrity babies and the world. We'll continue to keep you posted on any and all developments, including, but not limited to, the moment that Christina attempts to tan her baby right before it enters the world by spritzing spray tan into her vagina.

That baby is high

Looks like Tom Cruise has been feeding baby Suri the same drug-filled Xenuian milkshake as he's been feeding mommy. Alright, FINE! This picture is ridiculously cute, but don't forget that Tom Cruise is a crazy scientologist and that cute baby is going to be a crazy scientologist when she gets older. Look at the emotional pain already starting to surface in those big, glassy eyes. That is a wasted baby if I've ever seen one. And I have. Plenty of times. That is, If you count me dressing in a diaper and crying while drinking a bottle of jack daniels a wasted baby. Which I do.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Kim Cattrall Hates Me.

Remember this slut from Sex and the City?

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Apparently she is also racist too. How else would you explain that after 19 years, she suddenly remembered she was almost blown up on a plane from terrorists? You just all of a sudden decided to tell your terrorist story now that its the "cool" thing to hate terrorists?

Ever seen Final Destination? You may have escaped death then, Ms. Cattrall, but we's coming for you now that you reminded us, burning towels in tow.

As punishment for hating my people I think she should have to spend the next two weeks watching the entire series of Sex and the City on TBS or the first two episodes of John From Cincinatti, I'm having a hard time figuring out which is worse.

Henri misses daddy

Heidi Klum's babies have gone from bad to worse recently, and it has these bloggers wondering: Where in the rose-kissing hell is Seal? Answer: On Heidi's T-shirt. These days, a father doesn't really have to be "present" to do the parenting. Maybe when the kids are bad, Heidi pulls the shirt over her face and disciplines the children in a deep, seal-like voice? Either way, I'm not sure that the t-shirt is really working out as a replacement for their father. But Heidi, I just want to remind you that if you don't think that you can handle that little angel, Henry, just let me know. I will gladly kidnap babysit him whenever you need me to.

2 things that caused my she-bone to rage today

Here we have Jude Law with his most recent "mystery woman" who is already proving to be an excellent influence on him merely judging from the necktie tucked into the v-neck, and the pool of sweat that he is wallowing in. That, combined with the "too high to speak" look in his lover's eyes created a she-bone the likes of which had never been seen. Until I saw this:

Oh, to be Matt Damon at this moment, gazing upon the exposed, glowing white ass of Ben Affleck. I'm assuming that the ass of his black short shorts is ripped open just by looking at the current state of the front of his shorts. That would explain the look of sheer joy on Damon's face as he gazes into the place where he will most certainly be surfing later.

Free crap ain't what it used to be

Oh hey, Fergie! Whatcha got there? Some ultra cool swag?? Why don't you look more excited? That's a muthafuckin BRATZ doll! 8-year-old girls literally murder each other over those things. And it's free! Why so sad? Perhaps it's because you already have that one at home? Maybe some other fucking free, cool shit will cheer you up:

*Sigh* Being a celebrity is hard isn't it? You get so much free stuff all the time, it's just not even fun anymore. Stupid shoes. They call that swag? What will it take to make Sir-Fergs-A-Lot smirk? Perhaps an oversized bra and panties set, signed by none other than Avril Levigne?

There we go! We got a slight smile out of you! Everyone loves big underwear! Next time you are being showered with gifts that you could just buy because you have millions of dollars, maybe try to be a bit more excited? No one wants to see a celebrity begrudgingly accepting gifts that we would give our right ovary for (Bratz people: Call me). I suggest turning it way, way up, like so:

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Like Ub-Duh!!!

A close Rock & Republic source said, “The partnership with Rock & Republic was terminated. Victoria was horrible to work with - indecisive and inconsistent and generally not present at all. She attached her name to it but didn’t want to do any of the work - unless she was promoting the line in front of the cameras, of course.”

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All i wanna say is that Posh doesn't really care about R&R since she just launched her dVb line at Saks Fifth Avenue.

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She's still makin the chedda. And when you get a celebrity to design, do they ever really design? Everyone else does the work and they just get final approval over product...UB DUH. Rock and Republic needs to take a xanie and cool off, cool off. Maybe Vickie just forgot to hire someone to do the work, oh well, she has more important things to think about, like where to find the most photo ops in her new home in the US of A.

Lohan dresses to impress for AA

On a recent break from rehab to attend an AA meeting, Lindsay Lohan sported an outfit that I can only describe as something someone who was just date raped would wear. Girl wants to find a way to "get back" at the guy so she takes his favorite t-shirt and sports team jacket as her recently defeated self stumbles out of his dirty apartment, thinking that she won. I have a collection of various sports team jackets for the very same reason. He may have roofied you and left you for dead on a pile of dirty socks, but you got his beer & puke stained jacket. You win, Lindsay. You win!

Next Stop: Old Man Peen Island!

Beyonce & Jay-Z took a break from posing for the paparazzi aboard their yacht to take a nice stroll on the beach while they are boating around St. Tropez. Perhaps Jay-Z should have consulted a map, or peered at the shore with one of those old fashioned nautical telescopes before hopping onto Old Man Peen Island.

Come on, Beyonce! Just look at the wang! You know you want to! Jay doesn't seem to have a problem peripherally gazing at the elderly womb raiders scattered along the beach. Don't be shy, B...just sneak a peek!


Monday, June 18, 2007

Hey, Hey...Oh no...No!

When a legend such as Bill Cosby starts wearing crocs out of the house (Yeah, that's right. You heard me, I said "out of the house". I recieved a pair of crocs for Christmas last year and they are the PERFECT choice of footwear for stepping over all the piles of dead babies in my basement, but even I would never wear them anywhere else.) and sweatpants to accentuate his beer can pretty much safely assume that the end times are upon us. I'm not saying that I expected much more from the man who showed us all how beautiful a multi-colored sweater could actually be:

But crocs, man? Crocs prominently displayed by way of an upright come and get it pose is really just too sad for words. But I'm glad to see that you've been drinking heavily. Keep that up, for sure.


Jiffy Pop Chic

Tyra Banks looks almost good enough to eat at the Daytime Emmys on Friday! By the looks of this dress, the 30 gallons of popcorn that are cooking under there are probably just about done. We might want to hold her over an open flame for a little while longer, just to make sure each kernel is popped to perfection. The open flame can also serve as a punishment for subjecting me to this:

He blinded her with Scientology

Looks like Katie Holmes has had one too many of Tom's "Happy Fun Time Xenuian milkshakes" - which consist of milk, vanilla ice cream, and of course, a whole shit ton of Valium. At least Tom is giving her enough to render her comatose. Any less and she'd probably be like the late, great Anna Nicole Smith and you know that Tom would not be having that. I'm glad he has those sick sunglasses on, that way I don't have to see the fiery rage exploding in his eyes. I can't judge him though, since this is the way I will be raising my children. Children are best rarely seen and never heard, and to achieve that goal - they need to be heavily sedated at all times. At least Tom is helping Katie walk. I'll probably just end up tossing my children in a potato sack and throwing them over my shoulder like Santa if I'm ever forced to take them anywhere.

His Lumps, His Lumps

The ones in the back
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and especially in the front

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Click for larger version

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I am awaiting his arrival in the great US of A. He will be my baby daddy soon enough.

At least they got one right...

Last night was the premiere of the new HBO series Flight of the Concords. It's like that VH1 show Bands on the Run except it's about 2 guys from new Zealand, it's not a reality show, and it's really funny. So...I guess it's not really at all like Bands on the Run, which is probably for the best anyway. If you missed the premiere last night, you can watch the entire first episode here. After you watch that, and of course, after you wipe the tears from your eyes and your belly stops aching from hilarity, you might start wondering who these crazy New Zealanders actually are. If so, you can go here. It's a pretty great fan site, except for all the words. I can't read right now, as my brain is still sleeping. I can, however, share the video above with you. The show airs every Sunday at 10:30PM (EST) on HBO. Make sure to turn HBO on after you skip John From Cincinnati.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Fergie likes them T-I-N-Y

Oh so sad, he's soo cute. Maybe he is a grower instead of a shower...oy vey

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Click to see the wang