Friday, June 15, 2007

Paris abusing drugs in Jail!

Well according to the NY Post, Paris Hilton is being treated for severe ADD with adderall while she is in jail. And from these two previous posts here and here, I have taught you loyal readers that adderall is simply diet coke and can make you so high and so coked out or addied out if you eat too many. Of course Paris wants to be sped up so her time in jail can be nothing more than a blipblur in her life.

I can't wait for the new born again Paris that is allegedly being birthed from the loins of the the Los Angeles Correctional Facilities.

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How I spent my Friday

I've been playing the Atari Journey game all the live long day today. So, that - combined with the complete and total lack of worthwhile gossip should excuse my absence from the blog today. No? You dicks are still pissed? Fine. In honor of what has been unanimously praised as "The greatest series finale in the known universe", I shall give you another Journey song, to remind you of the greatness that was the Sopranos finale this week, as well as the sheer power that one gets when one combines the sex appeal of Steve Perry with the flat-top & spandex of Randy Jackson:

Also, for real this time, this is no longer a request. I need some suggestions for blank or not-a-blank. Leave them in the comments, assholes. Oh, and HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Nuevo York Update.....

Hot child in the citay! Well me and my girls packed our louis hardcases and beelined our beautiful asses to the wonderful city of NYC.

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We drank and shoook our thangs like you never did see. And who did we get crunk up on it with? Well none other than my baby daddy Robin Thicke.....he was so lost without us at Marquee.

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Nevermind my cooky eyes, just look at his arm around me...mmhhmm thats right..suspect.

Hot tidbits from the city....

* Kanye West held his bday at Louis Vuitton and when they brought out his cake it was spelled KAYNE! Oh you know the little queer in charge of the cake was lynched.
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Louis Vuitton sent Kanye a new damier azur hardcase suitcase worth $7,120 to make up for the mistake. And apparently $40,000 worth of LV goodies went missing after the event. Well, I don't mean to sound racists, but mmhhhmmm, even rich black folk steal. You can always judge black people by the color of they skin, no matter what tax bracket they in.
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Later on in the night, the party kept going at Tenjune where the likes of Jay-Z, Naomi, and Mariah Carey helped the Louis Vuitton Don celebrate his day o birf.

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* Sunday was the annual Puerto Rican Parade where Ricky Martin was the honoree
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Jenny LO and Skeletor also made an unannounced appearance
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Justin Timberlake dares you to resist him

Justin Timberlake has forsaken the ass that most men would give their left testicle to have, Jessica Biel. Lucky for Jessica, Justin is a gentleman who knows how to let the ladies down gently. In an interview with London's Daily Mirror JT eases the bitter pain of a breakup:

The pop heart-throb called Jessica, 25, his "very dear friend" and said she texts him all the time. But when asked who the love of his life is, he replied: "I haven't met her yet." Ouch!..."She truly insisted that she came with me on tour. I don't know how to say no to a pretty face. But it wasn't really a good idea. This time I'm putting the machine before everything else. Jessica met up with me in Manchester, but for Paris I told her categorically no. This tour is very important for me. I'm doing it really seriously so there's no question of playing sweethearts!"

Dang, Justin. Well, at least he's humble?

Asked what he dislikes about his body, he bragged: "Physically nothing. I'm well proportioned and nothing offends me when I look in the mirror." He added: "I defy a girl not to fall for me if I'm on a surfboard or snowboarding. It's my secret weapon if a girl resists me." And he also reckons he's irresistible to men saying that "plenty" of male stars hit on him, too.

To be fair, he's right. I probably would not be able to resist Justin if he was snowboarding or surfing. There's a special feeling I get in my she-bone when I see a head of hair that so closely resembles pubic hair all wet. It's like an sopping wet, irresistible, pubey brillo pad.

Jessica Alba hates Mexis

Is her mexi bodyguard aware of this?

Everyone is starting to hate Jessica Alba today because she's been quoted numerous times talking about how much she really hates those job-stealing, taco eating, racist, deformed, all completely insane, mexicans. She was all:

“I’ve got cousins galore. Mexicans just spread all their seeds. And the women just pop them out.”

“My grandfather was the only Mexican at his college, the only Hispanic person at work and the only one at the all-white country club. He tried to forget his Mexican roots, because he never wanted his kids to be made to feel different in America. He and my grandmother didn’t speak Spanish to their children. Now, as a third-generation American, I feel as if I have finally cut loose.”

“My whole life, when I was growing up, not one race has ever accepted me, … So I never felt connected or attached to any race specifically. I had a very American upbringing, I feel American, and I don’t speak Spanish. So, to say that I’m a Latin actress, OK, but it’s not fitting; it would be insincere.”

Fucking mexicans, thinking that they can come here, get a job that pays more than 5 cents a day, not have to start working at the bright young age of three, attempting to quietly assimilate. Pssh...where do they get off? If I were Jessica Alba, I'd hate myself and my culture too. Then someone would give me a burrito and I'd remember how delicious Mexican cuisine is, and I'd forgive. Then I would finish the burrito and hate Mexicans all over again. I'd have to hire a Mexican bodyguard just like she did, only he'd have to wear the world's largest fanny pack and fill it with burritos just to calm my overwhelming racism and self-loathing. I'd weigh 300 lbs. in less than a week. It would be fantastically delicious!


Thursday, June 14, 2007

What is wrong with this picture? Let me count the ways...

Listen here, Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt, I don't know what kind of broke down, trashy orphanage you came from...but this here is America. And 'round here, you cannot just be dragged around to a meeting you have no business being at because you're a child...looking like total trash. Oh, you're going to the doctor? Well, same rules apply. You need to look good wherever you go. That's the American way. Allow me show you everything that is wrong with what's going on here:

#1) We need to get you to Ken Paves right away. What in fashion's sweet & holy name is going on with that part? It gets worse, people:

I know mommy & daddy are probably too busy with their other three more important children, but it's okay for you to take the comb and just fix your hair your own damn self. Maddox does that. Get in step with your Asian brethren.

#2) When you carry daddy's papers around for him, people are going to start mistaking you for the help. It's okay now, I guess, because you are three-years-old and he's carrying you, but have some self-respect, Pax. No one wants to see you as the Asian slave. Keep that shit behind closed doors.

#3) Socks & Sandals? Really, Pax? Did you forget to have your daily pedicure done? Why don't we just complete this horrendous display by popping your collar and adding a fanny pack to the ensemble. You should be ashamed of yourself.

#4) Stop with the whole "Why am I here? Who are you? Can I go back home now, please??" face. No one wants to be reminded that you didn't actually slide out of the Brangelina international vag highway.

#5) Why did you make your dad wear that fedora? I think your god awful fashion sense is starting to wear off on Brad, and I really don't appreciate it.

Listen Pax, I don't like your jerk-off name, I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off fashion sense, and I don't like you...jerk-off. You better get your act together, and quick. Way to ruin my Thursday, Pax. Thanks a fucking lot. As for all y'all crazies in the background with your camera phones screaming at a three-year-old child...y'all are alright with me. Keep on with the stalking & the picture taking.

My life, it all makes sense now.

As a 16-year-old Girl #1, my first car was a Renault. It was a cute little car. I named her Dorothy due to her blue hue and my youthful & unhealthy obsession with the Wizard of Oz . It was a great first car because the horn was located on the blinker which helped calm my roadrage, as tooting a horn that sounded like the road-runner did very little to get anyone's attention. Unfortunately, I destroyed her shortly after gaining possession by not tending to her needs ("What is this oil change thing all about?"). I had many cars after that (a silver Volvo named Stevie, a white Buick Century named Bertha...), but Dorothy always had a special place in my heart, and until now, I really wasn't sure why. After watching this car commercial for Renault, I understand. Renault's seem to have an insane gay man trapped inside of their car-souls, just as I have an insane gay man trapped inside of my lady-soul. It's the only explanation that makes any sense, for either of us. Also, I want a renault again.


Akon's sorry about the grinding

Akon has released an apology song, apologizing for his entire life, but most importantly, he's sorry about that pesky humping incident (but he's not apologizing for the tossing incident....yet). You can listen to it here. You know, the song would have been much better if Akon would have consulted me before he penned his deep, remorseful ballad. I wrote some lyrics for him anyway. Maybe he'll release a remix?

I'm sorry that I humped you in the face.

I'm sorry that I humped you in the leg.

I'm sorry that I humped you in the hair.

I'm sorry that I humped you in the air.

I'm sorry that I humped you on the stage.

But really I'm just sorry that you were underage.

I understand that there's some problems. And I'm not too blind to know, all the pain you kept inside you, is because I grinded you across the floor.

You can put the blame on me.
You can put the blame on me.
You can put the blame on me,
as long as I can put my wang on you.

I'm a lyrical genius.

Britney needs your help, y'all!

Do not attempt to adjust your monitors. Britney Spears actually posted this humble request on her website. While every gossip blog has already offered their witty album title suggestions, I'd like to urge Ms. Spears to break the mold, yet again, by coming up with a totally new, totally sweet way of naming her new album. The key here would be not to use a name at all. Names are fucking stupid. I say, do one of two things. Either choose a picture of yourself that accurately portrays where you are in your life currently, thus letting the picture replace the played out album names of yore. My suggestion of a picture to use:

It's honest! It's broke-down! It's totally you! But if you really want to shake things up, I suggest spending some of your undeserved millions on adding a video component to the cover of each cd you release. That way, people can watch a video that serves as a preview, or a visual interpretation of sorts, of your new album. Since I'm always looking out for you girl, I've found the perfect video that would accurately convey what listening to your new album would be like:

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

A look at the most sizzlingest men in the world

People Magazine unleashed their "Single & Sizzling Men of '07" list today, and boy oh boy, my bacon strip is burnt to a crisp from all the sizzling that went on as I scrolled through pictures of their top 10. Ladies, I thought I would help warm your bearded clam by introducing you to some of the hotttest single hunks. Let's start with their number 1 hottie, Matthew McConaughey:

Whoo-wee! Nothing gets me going like a heavy southern accent, combined with an ego the size of a 130-year-old whale and a healthy dose of misogyny to boot! Hey McConaughey, wanna bone? Oh, ok - maybe after you're done working out? No? Then you have to gaze upon your glorious form in the mirror for at least 3 days? Sometime next week, then?

Kenny Chesney

Now we're talking. This is a great pick! Oh wait, this isn't the Single & Sizzling gay men list of '07? What the hell is he doing here then? There's no way this dude is straight. Even if he was, I couldn't get past the fact that he was married to Renee Zellweger or the fact that if both of us were stupid drunk enough and made the unfortunate decision to bone that he wouldn't take that g.d. cowboy hat off. Kenny Chesney should just keep doing what he is good at, which is destroying country music and stay off lists dedicated to the straights.

Blake Lewis

Why am I still hearing about this douchebag? The idea of someone beat boxing sweet nothings into my vag does not sound appealing to me. I'll pass.

Apolo Ohno

Who the hell is this? Oh. Some dude from Dancing with the Stars? There's another dude from that show on this list. Quick show of hands, anyone surprised that dudes who dance around like a bunch of assholes on tv are single? Didn't think so. The fact that this guy's last name is "Oh no" should be enough warning to any single lady to stay away. And don't overlook the disturbing fact that his facial hair is bound to catch all sorts of things that you don't want to see plastered on someone's face after they've just gone down on you. In my case, those things would be hot wheels and pizza rolls.


Since Wayne Brady and Bernie Mac are married, I guess Luda was the next best choice for "non-threatening obligatory black man" to include on their list. Coincidentally, Luda is one of the few men on this list that I would bone. This is because he has a big penis. I'm not saying that just because he's black (God, I wish you guys weren't so racist). I'm saying this because it is a proven fact. Luda told me so in his interview with Playboy. See! You can't deny the truth. Especially when you see it in print. And most especially when said print is Playboy magazine. Yay boobs!

Want to see who else is on the list? No you don't! Okay, you have an hour left to kill at work, here you go.

Jay-Z has man boobs

Dang Jigga. I had no idea you were sporting some man boobs under all that. Do you let Beyonce suckle some papa's milk out of those beasts? I bet you do. In all honesty, I'm probably just jealous because I think Jay-Z's man boobs are bigger than my lady boobs. But that's okay, because I have something that Jay-Z will never have. Millions and millions of dollars. Wait, I think I may have confused something here... Oh well, more man boob you say? Here you go:

More here

Does this get your broomstick's attention?

Emma Watson airs out her vagina

A question to dude Harry Potter fans: Do y'all pull the root to Emma Watson? I'm just asking because I know that when these pictures of Daniel Radcliffe's ass surfaced, I most certainly flicked the bean a little bit. Okay, I can't even let that one slide. I didn't flick the bean...but I thought about it. I guess at 17 years of age, Emma Watson is barely illegal, so you shouldn't get too down on yourself if you want to bone Hermione right about now. Even though that does mean that you are a pedophile. But hey, you can't win 'em all. Let's just let her enjoy her innocence for a little while longer, though. Pretty soon, she'll most likely join the rest of young Hollywood in coked up debauchery that ends in a series of corpse-like photos being taken and plastered all over the internets. I just want to let Hermione know that it doesn't have to be like that. Just because a bunch of geeky, sex deprived fan boys are draining the vein in your honor, doesn't mean you have to lose all of your self respect. Just hold on to your fame loosely, girl.

Source & More pics

Do you think it's gonna make him change?

Sorry dudes, but Katie Holmes cutting her hair is going to have to satisfy your gossip needs until someone pays for a subscription to the recently relaunched website and posts more pictures and videos of Paris smoking tampons and the like. No one really wants to see anymore of Paris and her slutty adventures, but it's like a car crash, ladies & gentlemen, you kinda hafta look. For now, we see that Katie Holmes has taken another brave step in attempting to transform herself into Victoria Beckham by chopping off her hair and wearing far too much animal print. I must say, this hair cut is pretty cute:

But no matter how cute the hair looks, it will not turn Tom Cruise into David Beckham, so what's the point really?


We lost a legend yesterday

Mr. Wizard passed away yesterday. The man who did a great job of tricking me into learning while I watched TV is no longer with us. We were all willing to overlook the fact that his name directly contradicted the science he attempted to bestow on us as long as he kept building contraptions made of pencils, corks, pins & forks.

I can't really recall any knowledge that I actually retained by watching Mr. Wizard's world, but that's not his fault. Any and all good things that Mr. Wizard did for me were promptly erased when I turned off the tv and popped Battletoads into my Nintendo, which always caused me and my brother to come to blows, usually around the cranial region - hence causing many negative repercussions. This probably explains my tendency to drift off topic, as well as providing the explanation for the many, many other things that are wrong with me. Anyhoo - you'll be missed, Mr. Wizard. Thanks for bringing the science all them years.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Uma Thurman swims in Spanx

BRRR! What's the matter, Uma Thurman? Is your Spanx swimwear not keeping you warm? Someone should let Uma know that the magic of body slimming underwear is to trick people into thinking that you are naturally slim. And that trick doesn't really work when you wear a pair of underwear as a bathing suit. You are supposed to wear them under your pants, and then when the time comes for you and your boy to make with the sex, you politely excuse yourself to the bathroom, remove the sexy underwear that you've been storing in your vagina for safe keeping, and flush the spanx down the toilet. Make sure you hit the lights on your way back into the bedroom and he'll never know! Now get some pants on, find a thong to wad up, and gently place it in your lady cave for future use.

There you go. More pics here.

Britney Spears almost flashes a boob

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And I'm sure all of us almost care. This is what happens when there's a slow news day, people. It was either this, or 'Paris Hilton knits teddy bears for the homeless out of the spaghetti she's not eating in jail'. Which obviously would be the superior story if it was true. Which it's not. Just click the photo if you want to see the outer rim of Britney Spears' boobie. I think we can chalk this up to some progress being made though, right guys? I mean, old Britney probably would have just laughed as her dress was falling down, and then squeezed out any milk that Jaden James didn't eat by grabbing her boob like a cow udder and squirting it at the photographer. You're getting there, girl. Slowly but surely, you're getting there.


The only reason why I'd ever want to be a celebrity

When you are a major movie superstar, like Johnny Depp, you often get whisked away to the far corners of the globe to promote your latest movie. I'm willing to bet that Japan has got to be in the top 5 places to go promote your movie if you are a celebrity that warrants any respect. Where else would you be greeted by a troop of children, one sporting a Hitler mustache, who sang and danced for your pleasure? Did I mention that there's more ridiculously cute children playing the organ? You can see part 2, as well as a visit Johnny paid to the same tv show last year, by clicking here. If you made the awful mistake of watching that other life-ruining video I talked about earlier today, consider this my apology.

via Boing Boing

I birthed an internet rumor!

Did you run around and tell all of your friends that Christina Aguilera was pregnant, just like we told you? Did you wow your business colleagues with comments like, "Did you hear Christina Aguilera is expecting? I wonder if she'll visit the Sunset Tanning Salon to see if they offer pre-natal tanning sessions!"? No? Well, you better get on that shit, because she's been running her pregnant ass to the baby doctor. Which means she's bound to officially break the news soon, and your jokes are going to go from witty & surmising to being just about as funny as hearing Borat jokes for the umteenth time pretty darn quick. So hurry up and make fun of the preggo. No? Not your thing? Well then forget everything I just said and listen to the song below. If Christina likes to get down the way that I do, I'm willing to bet that she conceived to this:

In an attempt to find the video for the radio edit of this song, I stumbled across this, which I feel compelled to show you only because it has traumatized me in ways that I never thought possible, and I feel like it's only fair that you share my pain. I'm warning you, if you don't want to be sick and/or completely confused as to why someone would do something like this, don't click the link. NSFW - or anyone, really.

Looking good, Axel Foley

Oh hello there, Eddie Murphy. You are looking quite dashing today, sir. What's the occasion? Oh! You are finally taking that pesky paternity test to find out if you are the father of Mel B's baby? Well, it's nice that you dressed for the occasion. I must say that Eddie is doing a much better job of sticking it to the woman he left than his Shrek 3 co-star, Justin Timberlake, who can't even manage to shave before he hits the red carpet. To be fair, Eddie's been in the game a lot longer than Justin, so he knows how to work the whole "How's losing that baby weight going? Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear what you said because my hotttness is deafening." thing a bit better. What I'm trying to say is, I'd probably have an illegitimate love child with Eddie Murphy if he'd let me. Eddie, call me.

More Photos

Monday, June 11, 2007

In other news: Sienna Miller looks like an asshole

You know, it's really hard to say what could compel someone to thrown on a sweatshirt that they've altered by cutting the wristbands off, layered with a baggy white t-shirt, then top it all off with a denim vest, some umbro shorts, & slouchy moccasins. But I think what really makes the "I'm a complete idiot" statement ring especially true with this outfit is the addition of the suede cowboy hat. Sienna really pulls off the "retarded Indian goes for a jog" look quite well.

So she went back to jail, did she?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you the second candidate in our Best photo of 2007 contest (remember the first candidate?). Man, this is gonna be a tough contest this year. Coming back from such a lovely weekend to be greeted by the news that Paris Hilton went back to jail gave me a renewed sense of hope for this world. Okay, not really. But I did feel a bit of warm joy that for once wasn't due to me peeing my pants. So that's a plus, on my end anyway. Thankfully for all of us, every news outlet in the world is covering this breaking story, so I'm sure I'll be crapping Paris Hilton shaped poops in no time due to her being constantly on the brain. Those are going to go for millions on ebay. I can't wait. We'll try to cover as much as we can handle here, which...quite honestly isn't going to be that much. We can only stand her when she is crying or humiliated, so we'll be sure to cover that. Basically, we'll bring you the funny stuff, like when Paris Hilton said the following about her first trip jail:

"I was not eating or sleeping. I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage...

Bitch, it's supposed to feel like a cage! In all honesty, a cage is a pretty accurate description of what jail is.

And then she said this about round 2 in jail:

"I used to act dumb. That act is no longer cute.

"Now, I would like to make a difference.

"God has given me this new chance."

I would like to know the circumstances behind her coming to the realization that "playing dumb" was not going to cut it in jail. The only way to make it in jail is to act completely and totally insane. For instance, you might want to try walking up to a fellow inmate and asking them if they'd like to hear you fart the national anthem. When they say no, then you stab them. No one will fuck with you then. I know because I was in jail once. It was a rough time in my life and I really don't like talking about it. It totally felt like a cage. A drug fueled, sexed up, lesbian cage. I tried to warn Paris about what jail would be like, but she never seems to listen. Give in, Paris. Find out why the caged bird sings.

Girl #1 & Girl #2 talkin' bout the Sopranos finale

Halt! Sopranos spoilers lie therein! Proceed with caution!

Even Tony Soprano cannot deny the power of Journey
by, Girl #1

Wow! People are straight up pissed about The Sopranos ending last night, huh? I don't really understand why. I mean, it ended with what is quite possibly the greatest song of all time, so what's not to love? I was one of the many who thought Tony was destined to die at the end of the series. I was convinced that the only way to end the series would be to kill off the main character. I must say that I am very glad I was wrong. Since they turned the violence and killing up to 11 this season, I almost forgot what made the Sopranos so great. It was not just another mob story. It was a story of a man, and I'm talking about Tony Soprano here, a man trying to live his life who also just so happens to be the head of a Italian crime mob. Everyday isn't killing for Tony. Sometimes he just plays some Journey on the jukebox and eats some onion rings. Tony Soprano, he's just like us! Except while he eats his onion rings he has to be worried that the guy at the counter may murder him in front of his entire family. For all y'all who wanted more, perhaps you should talk to someone about your anger issues. I have not cringed away from the tv so much since Sanjaya was on American Idol. I think this season should have fulfilled any and all desire for bone crunching violence on tv. You keep listening to that jam, Tony. I hope your court case turns out ok. It's good to know that you're out there, taking 'er easy for all us sinners. Even if we can't watch you do it anymore.

Sopranos makes me want to 'hold on to that feeling'
by Girl #2

Not since my favorite show of all time, Seinfeld was nearing its series finale, did I feel so much anticipation, depression, and downright anxiety about a show's ending than did I about the Sopranos last hurrah. I agree completly with Girl #1's ponder of why so many people are upset about the ending. But I'm not as nice as Girl #1.

You people are idiots.

I for one was not one of the many who believed that Tony would/should die to close out the series. As horrible as Tony can be at times, he is the antihero who everybody loves and I just really never thought it would make much sense to kill him just because it might bring closure. One thing I did predict was the downfall of Phil Leatardo, and I thought for sure he would get it good. If you weren't satisfied with the literal bone-crushing whack job of the New York boss then don't bother to call yourself a Sopranos fan. Every viewer out there wanted that to happen and guess what, thats what they got, and you people still want to complain. And what a lot of people tend to forget is that, like Seinfeld, The Sopranos is a comedy. Sure there is drama, there is killing, but where the writing really gets good is the subtle humor that you are constantly having to keep your ears and eyes open to catch. I find myself cracking up at times during some of the most "serious" scenes. For example, a lot of people were incredibly irritated with the fact that Meadow went back and forth in a gigantic parking spot trying to parallel park, but just couldn't do it. But if you paid attention to detail, you would notice that the car she was driving happened to be the Lexus that advertises itself as "the car that parks itself." Or how about when AJ quotes but then mispronounces "Yeats" making himself look like an even bigger whiny jackass. If thats not a genius and hilarious implementation to the script, I don't know what is.

But seriously people, what more did you want? Did you really think a huge escapade of killings and raw violence was really the way the show wanted to wrap itself up? Why change your style and everything you have made this show to be on the last episode just to go out with a bang? David Chase wrote over 80 episodes and none of them would have made a blow out ending much more sensical. The finale along with the last few episodes especially provided me with so much tension and excitement that I could barely contain myself watching even down to the last wire in the final scene where you had no idea if some crazy madness was about to stir or if life would just go on until the next crazy day started up again. It was such a classic but innovative ending that when you think about it, really should please everyone. Let your imagination run wild and you create the ending for the character the fans of the show have come to have a love/hate relationship with. And props to David Chase for making everyone think for moment that the cable went out right before the last scene. That itself deserves accolades. This episode was good and they gave us so much, including Journey.

Do yourself a favor and go rewatch the episode. I've already seen it twice and it gets better and you find more things the second time around. And do yourself another favor and if you say you are a fan but hated the ending, watch the whole series from start to finish and then try to tell me this ending isn't the most perfect, bittersweet way to say goodbye... or possibly hello. If that truly was the last time we see The Sopranos though, I will always hold on to that feeling.