Friday, June 1, 2007

Don't watch this.

On the rare chance that I have encounters with celebrities, they usually don't go so well. This is because I get all star-struck and start humping their legs and beg them to adopt me. It's awkward, and 90% of the time I end up arrested. Celebrities tend not to respond so well to my approach. It's a good thing that Adrien Grenier isn't really a celebrity, so when I had the chance to meet him in 2003 (maybe? - it really was not that monumental of an occasion) I kept an adequate distance which allowed me to properly judge him. This was pre-Entourage, so Adrien was starting to come to the sad realization that he would always be known as that curly haired dude from that one movie with Clarissa Explains it All. And in his weakened state, he agreed to come to the Film Festival I was working at and show his shitty documentary that he has now somehow convinced HBO to screen as well. He is basically just like his character on Entourage: a self-absorbed, talentless hack who was put on this earth to annoy us all...and of course, to bone all the insecure women of the world. What I'm trying to say is, when you left me laying on the floor, after you peed on me, tossed me a towel and $5 and told me to buy myself something pretty...I'm pretty sure we shared a moment, Adrian.

I kid. I didn't bone him. But some other chick did, and when he left our quaint little town it was rumored that he told her that they "had a moment, nothing more, nothing less..." or something equally ridiculous. He also charged people $1/minute to use his cell phone and scolded someone for taking a bag after they bought him some stuff at the store. He went green before going green was cool, just like he was in Williamsburg before Williamsburg was Williamsburg. But to get back to the point, this "documentary" (if you can call a douche with a video camera and a fleeting career a documentary) is about Adrian trying to find his father. Surprise! He finds him! Surprise! No one cares!!! So unless you want to watch some jackass and his friend drive around in a car for 90 minutes and talk about his not-really-that-pathetic-or-interesting life, I suggest that you rent the highly superior film that he lifted the title from.

I was cryin' when I saw this

Um...Excuse me, Steven Tyler but I do believe you may have misheard the throngs of fans 2 confused Indian men who greeted you when you arrived at the International Airport in Bangalore, India. They said "Take Off" as in "Leave, we don't want any". They most certainly did NOT say "Take it off", as no one wants to see that. Well, maybe these two do. If so, here's one more for your friend. Yikes.

Chloe Sevigny: Twat or Not-A-Twat

What the hell kind of name is Chloe Sevigny? Is it a name that only a twat would call her own? We're about to find out! Open the pod bay doors, it's Blank or Not-A-Blank!

Okay, back to the name thing. What's that -gny doing all jumbled at the end of her last name? Those three letters don't go together. This is not looking good for Chloe. Twat

Chloe Sevigny stars in the show Big Love. I like that show because it shows how effed Mormons are. While some may say that playing a wife in a polygamist relationship is a scandalous role to take on, allow me to direct you to Chloe's IMDB profile, in which you will plainly see that Chloe enjoys playing trashy whores, so this is kind of a step up for her. Not-A-Twat

Speaking of her playing trashy whores, let us not forget that she performed fellatio on camera and swallowed the jizz. I don't have a problem with this, in fact, I was going to give her a vote of Not-A-Twat just for having the balls to do something like that. But then I remembered that the dude that she blew was Vincent Gallo:

Fucking sick. Twat

A quick show of hands...who likes this dress?

No? Not a one? Okay, perhaps you like this hat?

Whoever keeps calling Chloe Sevigny a "fashion icon" needs to suffocated with a pair of mom jeans. However, Chloe fugging it up every chance she gets keeps blogs like this alive. So...well done? Not-A-Twat

Wow, I've just spent the last half hour trying to find something interesting to slam Chloe Sevigny for, and I just can't do it. Bitch is boring. My maniacal pet finger monkey is way more interesting, and he just sits there and gives me evil looks all day long:

Therefore, bitch is a twat. Care to agree/disagree? Please do so, in the comments! And don't forget to send your suggestions for any future Blank or Not-A-Blank to

I told you those kids were bad

Look at what Evil White Klum is doing to my poor little Henry Seal Klum! Remember yesterday when I suggested that Heidi Klum's children must be descendants from the Dark One in order for her to enlist the help of 4 other people to take care of them? Well it turns out that I was right. When alone, Heidi has to trick her kids with delicious ice creams in order to keep Evil White Klum from pulling that little darling's afro. Just look at the borderline insanity plastered on Heidi's face:

My guess is that Evil White Klum ate Heidi's treat and then spat it in her face. Yo Seal, where you be at? This German wife of yours is about 2 seconds away from going all Nazi on your kids. P.S. Happy Birthday, Heidi!


That looks like a whole lotta wang

Oh hi, nearly naked David Beckham! I was just wondering, what did you look like as a wee-Becks. You know, before the wang kicked in.

Hmmm...not as impressive, but I'd still hit it.


Please please please go away

Paris Hilton doesn't seem to understand what jail is. Even though she's already getting special treatment, I still have a fleeting hope that she will be faced with crazy-eyed lesbians who will subject her to a vicious cycle of beatings and vagina licking when she goes to jail ON MONDAY!!! However, Paris seems to be treating this like just another glamorous event, hiring a hair and makeup team to primp her for her big entrance into the big house. And with this, I think it is now safe to assume (as if there was any doubt) that Paris Hilton is the biggest moron the world has ever known. Why she would doll herself up for the angry lesbians who are anxiously awaiting her arrival is beyond me. Paris is also penning a diary during her stay in prison. I'm assuming the gripping entries will read something like this:

Dear Diary,

This party blows. My roommate Gina is a cunt. I miss all of my racist friends.



George Michael, you crazy bastard, please take the pain away:

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Curvy Idol

Apparently winning American Idol does more for people than one would expect. And according to the grandmother of the newly crowned winner, Jordin Sparks, it has helped her realize she is beautiful, curvy and all. Aww, how cute. Of course your grandmother is going to make you feel good about yourself! That's what grandmas are for. Well, that and the occasional handout. Well good for you Sparks! You're going to need all the good feelings you can get because your career will probably consist of singing for a car company or showing your ass off to someone's camera phone... or maybe even Jenny Craig will call you up and have you sing some songs to her clients!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Say hello to curves but goodbye to your career. It was fun while it lasted!!


Imminent Death: Who wore it better?

Tammy Faye, weak and ravaged by cancer, is currently 62 pounds and “in pain 100 percent of the time,” she tells Entertainment Tonight in an interview airing tonight and tomorrow. “At this point, (I’m) not afraid of dying, it’s how will I die.”

Nicole Richie, coked up and ravaged by delusional vanity, is currently 5 pounds and "disgusting to look at 100 percent of the time". When asked for a comment, she said "No fatties!" No, really...she did.

My question to you, dear readers is: Who is rocking their rapidly approaching death better? Tammy Faye or Nicole Richie?

Thanks Song

Trend Alert: Fake Mustaches!

God, I love fake mustaches. They are a much better accessory then the obvious oversized purses & sunglasses and shower caps that all the celebrities are always carrying around. Good to see that Snoop Dogg is bringing them back for Summer 2K7. Ladies, feel free to wear them on your vaginas. I promise you that your vagina will experience a renewed sense of sophistication once you stick one on there. Mine likes to wear an overgrown soul patch, kind of like this.

90210, you really are my best friend.

These guys are apparently twins, also apparently in a band called The Forms, and have undoubtedly provided me with the best thing I've seen all day. This is like a pop-culture version of the intertwined arms wedding toast. 90210, I humbly ask you again...Will You Marry Me? Don't choose "me" this time.

Drew Barrymore cut the bottom off a sleeping bag and has worn it as a dress.

Come here, Nelly! Here girl!

Nelly! Nelly Furtado!!! Over here! I'm OVER HERE!!! Perhaps you can't see me because you NEVER OPEN YOUR G.D. EYES. Stop smiling wit them and let's try seeing wit them. Alright, I'm going to start saying things that only a Canadian would truly understand, in hopes that you can follow my voice. I'll know when you've found me by that oh-so familiar, mildly retarded look you get on your face when you've recognized something. Ready?



President's Choice


Those delicious things you call Smarties, but are really M&M's

There she is! I knew talk of Canadian things would bring out the inner tard in Nelly. Next time we'll work on relaxing your lips so they don't always resemble the asshole of a small child. Oh, Canada.

Heidi Klum has kids from hell

Nanny #2, pick das bagel up and give it to one of the kinders.

Heidi Klum has either given birth to three spawns of Satan, or she simply can't stand her children. How else can you explain the fact that she has enlisted her mother & three nannies to help take care of her 3 kids. Heidi can't help the fact that she's taken a rather dominant & displinarian approach to parenting, I mean...she is German, after all. Which is why she should just run with a strict German approach to raising her kids. Growing up shouldn't be "fun" and "games" - put those kids in some uniforms, paint their bedrooms black and make them sit in there for a minimum of 8 hours a day, and when they're bad chain them to the radiator. That'll learn them. I mean, that's how I was raised and look how well-adjusted I turned out to be. But not, Henry. That little angel was sent directly from the heavens. He should be put in a box, poke some air holes in it, and sent to me. You clearly can't handle the love he has to give anyway, Heidi.

Possible Clang Alert

Under normal circumstances, I would say "Look everyone! Beyonce has a clang!" Then you would laugh & laugh and tell all of your friends what a wonderful blog this is. But I think you and I both know that we are dealing with something far more serious here. Within Beyonce's underwear lies the full shaft of an erect penis. Unless Beyonce has the largest clang known to man, it's probably safe to assume that Beyonce is a man, and from that one could reasonably deduce that Jay-Z is gay. Nothing wrong with that. Jay-Z picked one of the good ones. Beyonce is almost the most convincing tranny the world has ever seen, second only to this guy. Now dance, tranny. Dance!

A couple of lovely ladies

Aw! Look who it is! It's my favorite French-Canadian, Celine Dion and her daughter Rene-Charles! How cute! That little girl looks just like her mommy! And look at that long, curly hair! How magnificent! How touching! It makes me want to have a baby!

Wait...what's that say up in the right hand corner?

SON????? What the fuck?!?! Sweet French-Canadian Jesus, why do people feel the need to do this to their children. Kate Hudson is pulling this shit too. I'm not saying that I won't do the same thing with my son, but my reasons will be because I want to force him to be gay, not because I'm crazy like those two. Even if you took the long, luxurious locks from little Rene-Charles, I still say that he looks like a she. Maybe (s)he's a hermie and Celine is just waiting for the dominant genitalia to kick in. If so, perhaps she should have told Hello Magazine that she was gonna hold off on the cover story until her son's balls either drop or morph into a vagina.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Cover your eyes, Whitney

This picture of Bobby Brown and his new girlfriend Alicia Etheridge almost made my she-bone explode. Everyone, this is the hotttest couple of 2K7. Gaze upon them in all of their glory as they are too wasted to figure out how to kiss each other properly or how to walk with their traps shut. My sweet dear lord, they are a beautiful couple. My new goal in life is to be the frosting in the middle of this oreo cookie. If Alicia looks familair to you, it may be because she is the star of one of the greatest videos of all time.

I've yet to see anyone stand in the water and fake play the saxaphone quite like her.


Today on R. Kelly TV...

Welcome to the first installment of a new semi-regular feature on TGG called "Today on R. Kelly TV". R. Kelly created a channel on youtube to promote his new album "Double Up" which came out yesterday (you can listen to a few of the tracks here). So far, I have learned that R. Kelly can go from talking about Notorious B.I.G. to singing "I believe I can fly" in less than a second. Another thing I've learned is that R. Kelly really likes the song "I believe I can fly" as he seems to be mentioning it a lot. That's not my favorite R. Kelly jam, and I'm kind of surprised (and a bit disappointed) that he likes it so much. Luckily my favorite R. Kelly Jam (next to "Gotham City" of course, which he curiously has yet to say anything about) is available on R. Kelly TV. Also not mentioned yet...his sex tape. But I'm sure he'll get to that in good time, but for now - Let's see what R. Kelly is doing...TODAY ON R. KELLY TV:

R. KELLY EATS A COOKIE! Then he says...if he keeps eating cookies...wait for it....WAIT...FOR...IT....






And with that, my day is complete.

Same ol' Spears

All that letter writing that Britney Spears did yesterday must have brought back memories of the good old days. Britney was seen being carried out of the MENS bathroom after a recent stint of partying. She was covered in her own vomit. It's good to know that Britney is a changed woman since rehab. Before rehab, she may have choked on her own vomit, but this new, reformed Britney can rally with the best of them, even if she was found "slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off". Britney, how do you feel about this little mishap?

Well put.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

What is wrong with this picture?

Here we have Nicole Richie looking like a picture of good health. But unfortunately, something is wrong with this picture. Can you guess what it is? Let this video of Miss USA falling down serve as the blog's jeopardy music henceforth:

Times up! If you guessed: her protruding sternum, her stringy hair, her lack of a bra, her emaciated tummy that resembles that of a starving 3rd world child, her deathly pale skintone, or her sunken in eyes...I'M SORRY! You are incorrect. The correct answer is...she is not wearing shoes. Now she has probably caught the AIDS that some homeless man has left on the ground, adding one more problem to her ever growing list of life threatening ailments. Get well soon, Richie!

Britney refuses to be forgotten

Well, I guess I was wrong about Britney Spears getting a break from tabloid ridicule in the wake of all the Lindsay Lohan drama flying about. Britney could have just laid low, maybe done something not as trashy as usual, and use this time that she's not in the spotlight to turn her life around a bit. But instead, Britney walks the streets in a stained white dress and posts a letter on her website addressing the issues that everyone has already forgotten about. The letter reads "blah blah blah...I hate my manager...blah blah blah...I went to rehab...blah blah blah...I got some kids". She also mentions Tyra Banks for some reason, talks about how she can't wait to meet God (regardless of God's gender), and includes this little gem of a line "I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me". Whoever is in control of Britney's life right now...keep up the good work! Feed her a bottle of red and send her a'type-type-typin' away. I promise to always love you unconditionally, long as you continue to make terrible decisions for our entertainment.

Please sit down

Salma Hayek is going to explode. No one is really sure when this baby is due, but I pray to god that for Salma's sake it is soon. If she is forced to stretch her stomach or grow her boobs any larger, then I truly fear for her life. Her shirt apparently says "Stylish, Sexy, Pregnant". Okay, fair enough. But I don't really see stylish or sexy going on here, I only see a woman who desperately should be sitting down and resting, not lugging around the giant baby & giant boobs that she is forced to be carrying everywhere she goes. Take a break, girl.

Lindsay Lohan still needs some new friends

Lindsay Lohan needs better friends. It was not a pleasant memorial day weekend for the 20 year old, who was *deep breath*: arrested for DUI & possession of cocaine, her sweet sponsor for her 21st birthday party pulled out of the deal leaving her no choice but to celebrate her 21st birthday back in rehab. So Lohan had to get at least one last buzz on before she was sent back to the caged, sober hell that is the Promises Treatment Center, so she went out partying with her girlfriend Samantha Ronson, and then night ended like this.

Lindsay Lohan's friends are dicks. First of all, she's going out and partying with these assholes, getting herself wasted, getting them wasted, I'm sure she's paying for everything, and her dick friends make her drive their asses home too? And when her friends do drive her home, they don't even shield her drunk ass from the cruel lens of the paparazzi? Maybe Samantha should have draped something over her wasted friend so these photos wouldn't have been all over the internet today. I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm glad to see her like this, but who hasn't been here before? I can't speak from experience as far as the DUI/coke binge thing goes, but I definitely can relate to her drunk ass passed out in the passenger seat, probably mumbling something about going to Taco Bell, while blindly swatting away any help anyone is trying to give her. But, not only would my friends still try to help me no matter how hard I hit them, or how many times I told them I was "fukkin FINE man...fah...jesuhus...i jus need...sleeping now..." and they'd probably stop by Taco Bell for me too. Unfortunately for Lindsay, this is not true with her friends. So, better luck next time? We'll keep you posted on any major, groundbreaking, life changing developments in the Lohan-saga. At least this will probably give Britney Spears a break from her share of constant, unrelentless public ridicule.