Hooray for holidays! Even ones that are technically supposed to be about sad things, but are celebrated with much drinking and merriment because we don't have to work on Monday!!! I leave you now with two things. The first is a favorite jam of mine. CeCe Peniston's poignant lyrics express the joy I am currently feeling while celebrating one of the first paid holidays of the year. The second is a picture of Sienna Miller riding a bike. This brings me joy as she looks like an a-hole, yet I could not find a proper use for it on the blog this week. Have a great, LONG weekend everyone! We'll see you on Tuesday!
Friday, May 25, 2007
Here we have Beyonce on vacation. She looks alright, but...something just isn't right about this photo. I'm a little scared and I don't know why. What oh what do Beyonce's jet black eyes remind me of?
AAAAAHHHHH! Brother Justin from the brilliant but cancelled HBO series Carnivale aka evil in its purest form! NOOOOO!!! It's no wonder she has so many chart topping jams! It's the work of the devil, I tell you!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Someone hold me.
For more pictures of Evilonce vacationing with Jay-Z go here.
Dang, it's gotta be rough to come in second place on Maxim's top 100 hotttest bitches list. The only thing worse would be coming in second to a coke-whore like Lindsay Lohan! Zing, Jessica Alba! We're bringing you down!!! Let's put the final nail in the coffin by deciding whether or not this rising "star" is an Asshat or Not-An-Asshat! It's Blank or Not-A-Blank!
I'm not gonna lie...I know very little about Jessica Alba. I never watched her Dark Angel show, so all I know is that the dudes want to bone her. Obviously, this makes me hate her for no reason. I can't help it. I'm a woman. Asshat
But wait! I do know something about Jessica Alba! She starred in one of my favorite movies! Obviously, I'm referring to Honey. I'm such a sucker for the "Down-on-their-luck-kids-use-dancing-to-empower-themselves" genre (See also this and this). Not-An-Asshat
Jessica Alba may not only be mildly retarded, but the bitch is wasteful! Just look at the promo poster for her upcoming movie Good Luck Chuck:
Girl! That delicious soft serve is going to waste! If there's one thing I hate more than a tard, it's a wasteful tard. Asshat
According to a gripping interview with Instyle this month, she's also kind of an asshole! She talks about what a spoiled brat she was as a child:
“I love challenging authority. It probably wasn’t easy being my parents. The second somebody says ‘no’ to me is the second I’m going to jump up and say ‘yes!”’
I'm in the process of training a puppy so I know how to deal with defiant bitches. Jessica, don't make me dog whisperer your ass. Asshat
But then, in the same award winning interview, she also said this: “Because obviously, if you have a womanly figure, you’re not allowed to have a brain or any idea of the world whatsoever. You just have to be hot and use your body to get ahead.” She obviously has a firm understanding of how the world works. Jessica, I may have underestimated you. Not-An-Asshat
Jessica Alba likes old peen. She wants some old, wrinkly peen to snuggle up inside her because "They've been around and know so much". Alright, fair enough I guess. But answer me this, Jessica. When the old peen started coming around, why didn't you hit that shit when it was made available to you?:
"But she backed away from religion, she says 'when older men would hit on me, and my youth pastor said it was because I was wearing provocative clothing, when I wasn't. It just made me feel like if I was in any way desirable to the opposite sex that it was my fault, and it made me ashamed of my body and being a woman."
You are one big ball of confusion. Asshat
Right now, the Asshats have it. But, I could have told you that before we even started. I mean, she's a French/Mexi. A Frenchican. No me gusta. What do you think? Let us know, in the comments! And, as always, don't forget to send your suggestions for the next Blank or Not-A-Blank to email@example.com
Here is the latest
Ahoy! Ahoy, I say! Sailor Britney, what do you see in your gossip goggles?
What's that? You spy some more drama from The View? After that totally spontaneous, not staged at all fight between Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck on Tuesday, a writer for Rosie totally won the fight by drawing mustaches on the photographs of Hasselbeck that hang in The View studios. Hasselbeck plans to retaliate by inviting Rosie to a sleepover, then sticking her hand in warm water. She's totally gonna pee herself.
Avast ye landlubbers! Sailor Britney spies some more gossip on the poop deck!
Oh no, I'm sure this one stings a bit for Sailor Britney, as People magazine is reporting that her ex Justin Timberlake wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the ti-ime with new special lady friend, Jessica Biel. A source has said that Jessica is "the coolest chick ever" so, you know it's gonna last.
Is that all you have for us for now, Sailor Britney? Well thanks for the gossip! It's always sad to see you go, but we sure do love to watch you leave.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
According to weather.com it's 73 degrees in Los Angeles. BRRRR!!! What is it, winter there? Good thing Marilyn Manson has dressed himself from head to toe in black leather and is tugging at his jacket for warmth. Perhaps hell really has frozen over and he's just the first to know. Try to stay warm, sir.
There was some weird shit going down on the red carpet for Ocean's Thirteen at the Cannes Film Festival. First, there was George Clooney. Out of all the men in this film, he is the best at doing the whole "I'm-tricking-everyone-into-thinking-I-had-a-blast-making-this-movie! Really,-I'm-just-overwhelmed-with-joy-when-I-think-about-how-much-money-I-have" thing that they've all been doing since the first movie:
Tragically, something effed has happened to Ellen Barkin's face. I can't quite pinpoint it, but something just ain't right:
Someone should have told Tilda Swinton that the robotic lesbian/Micheal Jackson look was so 2003.
Angelina Jolie's arms are absolutely terrifying. They are 8 feet long and all bone. And it looks like she's about to sprout something from her wrist. See that little stump there? Maybe she'll grow wings on her arm, just like this cat did on his back.
More photos here
Last night at the annual Cinema Against AIDS dinner (which I was unfortunately unable to attend, as I was at the annual Bloggers for AIDS dinner which took place across the street at KFC), George Clooney and his some of the Ocean's Thirteen crew were auctioning off a seven-day Mediterranean getaway when Sharon Stone announced: "If you bid, one of these guys will come down and touch you. And you can choose which one". Some guy won with a bid of $350,000, and George Clooney came down and kissed his girlfriend. Inappropriate, George. First, Sharon said that you would touch her, not kiss her, and for $350,000 I would like you to at least touch your wang to me. We don't have to bone, just gently rest it on my shoulder or something. If you are going to kiss me that kiss better be firmly planted on my vagina.
Remember when Foxy Brown was arrested for spitting on someone? Apparently that hateful sales associate saved the spat, because Foxy now has to take a DNA test to determine if the spit actually came from her. This seems a bit ridiculous. I mean, a dude can make le art out of spit and get put on the teevee, but a black woman gets arrested for simply defending her weave? The only good thing coming from this situation is that googling "spit" provided me with this great picture of Tupac, spitting & representing Detroit at the same time:
So, you wanna hear Amy Winehouse do ya? Well, I've got something even better! Amy Winehouse being sung by Rosie O'Donnell while she's having make-up applied. I guarantee that this will kill a little piece of you this morning. You're welcome.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
This week I learned that Amy Winehouse is considered by many to be the "white Lauryn Hill." Sure, I've never heard any of her songs, but still, something tells me this comparison is weak... and I haven't heard anyone on the radio that sounds remotely close to Lauryn Hill.
This is another reason I don't agree.
We all know it has been rumored in the past that Lauryn Hill hates whites. Maybe this explains it. Maybe if everyone wants Lauryn Hill to make a comeback, we shouldn't compare her to Toothless Elvira. And speaking of toothless, perhaps Amy wouldn't have a jacked up grill if she didn't shove her teeth directly into sugary treats. But then again, she is British, perhaps she figured it wouldn't make a difference anyway.
Or maybe she's just really gross and for that I say we owe Lauryn Hill an apology. This isn't the same thing as getting past that fat chick that sang for C&C Music Factory who was hidden behind the scenes and replaced in videos with a thin and popular girl who couldn't sing. Oh no, this is a much larger atrocity, no pun intended.
To say she is anything like Lauryn Hill, even just vocally is just wrong.
I think this makes a much better comparison.
EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!
...And believe us, that whore is gonna DRINK!. Lindsay Lohan will turn 21 on July 2, and she's not going to let the fact that she was just released from rehab for substance abuse, or the fact that she is still currently in AA, stop her from getting aaaah-WASTED! Lindsay will be able to drink for the first time ever thanks to Svedka Vodka, who is now sponsoring the bash. But, to be fair, if you go to Svedka's website you start to understand why Lindsay chose this brand to
pay for host her prestigious event. The website asks "Did your sex tape just go public?" and answers "Blame Svedka!". Lohan's sex tape hasn't gone public...yet. But when it does, Lindsay will be glad she has you to blame. Until that wonderful day, Lindsay will bide her time by wearing over-sized men's shirts as dresses:
Sarah Jessica Parker has been forced to talk to her son about The Gays. Little James Wilke Broderick is only four years old, but he's already inquiring as to why some men like to place their penis's into the assholes of other men:
"He's very interested in what being gay is... because so many of our friends are gay. "You (have to) think very carefully and you're prudent about the choice of words and you talk about people looking for happiness and fulfillment in your life and how all families are different and look different. "You're forced to really consider your answers. You're forced to think a lot about what you're saying and how you're saying it - even the tone."
I think the obvious answer to the little one's question is that The Gays are magical creatures, often affectionately known to one another as faeries, who have helped mommy and daddy afford the extravagant lifestyle that you enjoy by buying every piece of Sex and the City memorabilia with mommy's face on it and by attending every musical daddy has ever been in. They also bathe in sin and some of them even wear heels...just like mommy! It is also wise to take this opportunity to turn your son gay, as The Gays will align with the Jews in 2015 and take over the world. You've already won half the battle by naming your son James Wilke. Now finish the job.
Yesterday, Angelina Jolie sent my world into a rapid tailspin when she told reporters that she would be taking a year off sometime in the near future to further help heal the world. What am I going to do with myself during her hiatus? How will I live without Angelina? I had to take a moment to collect myself. I did this by sneaking off into my closet where I keep my Angelina shrine and consult it for the infinite wisdom that it always provides. I'm feeling much better now, and I'd like to share with you some things that I plan to do with all of the free time I'm about to have.
*Finally start taking care of my children. They haven't been doing so well these days:
*Finish my unauthorized biography of Angelina, tentatively titled "God gave me these lips so I could save us all" or "Boom I got your boyfriend, I got your man (I got him)"
*Continue perfecting my needlepoint work. Finish ongoing series of inappropriate depictions of people and horses:
*Befriend Lindsay Lohan. Have her teach me the ways of pantylessly destroying various hotel suites (2nd item).
I think those things should keep me busy for a while. Any other suggestions? Other than crying myself to sleep on a nightly basis? Leave them in the comments! Angie, this one goes out from me...to you:
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Usually the headlines that accompany the posts on this blog are either attempts at being witty or blatant lies. This one is all truth. Well, if you believe director Julien Temple who just told this story to Radio Four:
Temple – who directed the Rolling Stones's Undercover Of The Night video - told how Jagger covered his private parts with the insects so that they could sting his penis and inflate it.
The technique is an Amazonian marriage ritual.
He said: "It involved putting bamboo over the male member and filling it with stinger bees so the member attained the size of the bamboo.
I can't imagine this would be pleasurable, or yield the results that Jagger desired. A puffed up, swollen wang is not a bigger wang by most standards that the ladies would be interested in. Mick Jagger wang talk is considered gossip right now because Janice Dickinson recently told some British guy that Jagger had a small wang. Considering that Janice Dickinson most likely has a wang, or at the very least, a clang...I wouldn't let her comments hurt you too much, Mick. Now them bees? I would assume that shit would hurt a lot. I don't have a wang, but now that I have the ability to pee standing up, I feel like I can empathize with y'all wang owners. And my advice: Don't let bees sting your wang.
Thanks Gabby Babble & Clark!
Damn you, Paula Abdul! DAMN YOU!!! I was perfectly content NOT watching the finale of American Idol tonight. I could give a shit about either of the two hacks you have competing to win the glorious title of Ford's next top one hit wonder among housewives & pre-teens. But then Paula had to go and break her nose because she was trying to avoid trampling her small dog. To show us the fighter that she is, she will power through the pain and appear on the AI finale tonight. Sweet merciful crap, Paula. Why couldn't you just let me not watch in peace? Now I am forced to tune in just to see how jacked you look. Will she be wearing a face-mask, a la Rip Hamilton of the greatest team in the NBA, the Detroit Pistons? Will she bedazzle it??? Or is she just gonna rock her busted up nose au naturale like this guy:
I'll definitely be tuning in. And may I just say that I respect Paula's commitment to terrifying children. First, it was her constant drug fueled state on various talk shows and on American Idol and now she will guarantee that all the youths of America will have nightmarish visions of Paula Abdul and her broken nose dancing in their heads. I know I will.
Edit: Well, looks like Paula's face isn't as jacked as I would have hoped. I still like my version of what may go down on Idol tonight better than reality, which is true with most of the stories I invent in my brain. Good news: The many MANY drugs she is on due to the nose problem, combined with the many MANY drugs she is on due to her overwhelming addictions seem to be complimenting each other quite nicely.
Most of the time, the idea of having a baby is somewhat repulsive to me. As a woman, oh I'm sorry...a womyn, this is a huge disappointment for all of woman-kind. As women, we're expected to revel in the joys of motherhood, but all I end up thinking about is how a little parasite will be feeding off me, kicking me, and swimming around in my uterus for 9 months. It reminds me of the movie Alien and I'm surprised babies don't come bursting out of our stomachs, instantly killing us. But then I see pictures of this kind, and I re-think my disgust for childbirth, only for a moment, and then immediately regain my senses.
But, seriously. For all y'all haters who didn't think Violet was cute...what the hell is wrong with you? Sure, she is no bucket baby but when she and mommy Jennifer Garner play slide together, it makes me want to stab myself in the eyes. I've seen all the cuteness there is, my eyes can take no more. Then I saw this:
And I'm pretty sure I'm officially dead. Death by cute. Pour one out for me.
To be fair, McConaughey is shooting his new film Surfer Dude, but I'm not totally sure that the 'roids haven't gone bad and created some sort of wasted Hulk out of our modest actor friend. I mean...
The only time I've ever been able to lift a rock (large piece of driftwood? tree stump? Dunno...) like that is when I'm wasted. I don't think the retarded have that kind of strength. I'm going with wasted. What do you think?
Monday, May 21, 2007
I really can't tell if Fantasia is so happy to have Jane Fonda and Oprah by her side, or if she is scared for her life. If I were her, I'd be terrified. Both of those bitches may be old, but you better believe that they would cut you in an instant if they wanted to. And they do. They both want to kill us all. Oprah's probably got a knife in Fantasia's back right now and Fonda is twisting it. Poor Fantasia. We hardly knew you.
Why so sad, Scout Willis? Is it because your step-father, Ashton Kutcher is closer to your age than to your mother's? No...that's not it. Is it because even though you are cuter than your sister Rumer, you're still not that cute? That could be part of it, but I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you are sad because your dad is wearing a shirt that says that he wishes you were a boy. The site that he is advertising, www.genderpill.com, doesn't seem to exist, but his desire to have a son instead of three daughters is as real as your sister's huge, tragic chin. Cheer up Scout, I'm sure that at least one of you three will turn out to be a lesbian and Bruce will just have to accept that that's as close as he's going to get.
Scott Stapp was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of domestic assault with intent to commit a felony. Which, I think translates to wife beating that almost led to wife murdering. Classy! I've never expected much less from the guy. I would like to take a moment to propose the gift of marriage to Scott, from me. Scott, I would like to marry you. I would then entice you to beat me by simply being myself (It seems to work in that way no matter who I'm around) and then I would destroy you with the two war machines that are my fists. Your music and general demeanor seems to produce a rage within me that has yet to be matched by any other celebrity that I hate. I'd like to see what kind of damage I could do to your face. Who smiles like that in their mugshot when they've just been brought in for beating a woman? Yeah, he needs to marry me so I can curb kick his face Tony Soprano style and then find his teeth in the cuff of my pants. I await your answer to my proposal, Scotty.
More Details Here.
If you were invited to the Cannes Film Festival what would you do once you arrived? Perhaps you would watch some of the prestigious films premiering at the festival, like Bee Movie. Maybe you would use this opportunity to visit some of the towns sandy beaches or take a cruise down the French Riviera. If you are Mischa Barton, you'll use this fine opportunity to do something you've always wanted to do, thus completing your full transition from once-popular-asshole to just straight-up-asshole, by riding a segway:
What would I do if I were at Cannes? I would stalk Brangelina until they agreed to either marry or adopt me. I'd be cool with either, whichever gets me in the bath with them first.
Man, that flight to France got me alllllll sorts of dirty. Wash me, Brangelina. Wash. Me.