Friday, May 18, 2007

Pretend to Be Sad-A-Thon! Paris Hilton edition!

Some stars like to pretend that they are happy, other stars like to pretend that they are sad, while other stars are just fucking blind, man. Paris Hilton has a lot to be pretend sad about. Let's see what's pretend going on:



I'm sad that there are only 15 photographers taking pictures of me right now. Oh! Here come some more! Better crank the sad to 11.





I'm sad because I don't know why these chopsticks have hair.



I'm sad because Daddy is sick and I don't want his illness to impair his ability to give me money

Cheer up Paris! You're going to jail!!! Oh wait, that only makes me and the rest of the world happy.

Move Toddler, get out the way



Diana Ross was questioned by British police yesterday for pushing a toddler. Dirty Diana was just trying to leave her hotel and some dumb baby got in her way. The father of this baby needs to cool out, it's not like she breakdance-kicked the kid in the face. And to answer the questions that some readers had about that tragic incident: Yes, the baby was probably Latino which is why the baby was kicked in the face. We all know how much breakdancers hate them Mexis. Second, of course that baby is ok. It's not like he/she got pushed by Diana Ross. Plus, Mexis have super human strength and I heard that it was the breakdancer's foot that suffered the most trauma. Mexi babies don't need their face, they only need their hands to work in the sweatshops. But a breakdancer needs his feet to LIVE. Don't worry, that baby will be back to work sewing together your Nike's in no time.


source via C&D

Sarah Silverman: Twat or Not-A-Twat



Wow! You like me! You really like me! What's that? You don't like me? You just like Blank or Not-A-Blank? Well I was going to ask you to hop on my shoulders and we could ride off on my segway together into the sunset, but now I'm not so sure. While I'm deciding if any of you deserve such an honor, let's welcome back the triumphant return of the blog's only regular feature! Due to an overwhelming demand (5 people) we've decided to bring this feature back. And it will stay back until the end of time. Even if it begins to blow ass, which it undoubtedly does will, it will never go away, because you guys wanted it back once and my mind only remembers the good times. Like the time I knifed that Indian. Good times. Anyhoo - today we tackle a subject that will make dudes who let their boners laugh for them cringe. Is Sarah Silverman a Twat or Not-A-Twat:

Sarah Silverman just posed for Maxim. Here are the rest of the pictures. If you looked at the rest of the pictures, you are probably one of the people who thinks Sarah Silverman is hot and therefore think she is funny. That seems to be how it works with her. I enjoy the idea behind her humor. Making fun of the less fortunate, minorities, people with AIDS, jews, white people, women - all of these things I also find joy in, she's just not good at it. Yet, she can continue to not be funny because people think she is hot. Twat

Okay, okay...sometimes she's kinda funny? I watched her show. I didn't laugh, but I think I cracked a smile once or twice. I thought her interview with Maxim was kind of cute. I found this:

Why aren’t women funny?
They pee it out. Like vitamins you don’t need.

You don’t shy away from controversial material. Have you ever thought to yourself, I can’t say that. It’s too mean.
No, because I tend to put my foot in my mouth. As soon as I think I shouldn’t do something, I end up doing it. I was at the Improv, and there were some kids who looked like they were about 14. I thought, I shouldn’t do this joke if there’s a 14-year-old in the audience. But I still ended up talking about coming on someone’s face. I felt like I had raped their brains.


to be kind of funny. I'm not 100% sure that being kind-of-funny makes you not-a-twat, but I'll let her have this one. Not-A-Twat

We are all aware that she is dating Jimmy Kimmel right? I think that pretty much establishes her as a twat. Twats of a feather flock together, am I right? Twat

This twat was on Mr. Show, and even though I'm pretty sure that the only reason she was on there was so that David Cross could make out with her on camera, that's gotta count for something. Not-A-Twat

So, I didn't see her movie Jesus is Magic because I usually don't go see bad movies (unless they star Mandy Moore, or involve cute animals, or sappy love stories, or...i see a lot of bad movies), but I just watched a couple of clips that I found on youtube and realized that this is not the type of bad movie that I enjoy. Twat

So far, the twat's have it. Unfortunately for Sarah, she doesn't seem to realize that as a woman, you are only allowed to be either funny, sexy or a twat. You can't be all of them, but you are required to be pigeonholed into one of the three categories. Look what happens when someone who is actually funny tries to be sexy. Tina Fey is totally adorable & cute, but her sluttily bending over while touching a typewriter confuses me. And look what happens when a twat tries to be funny. Sorry ladies, I don't make the rules. Men do, and who are we to question anything a man does? How ya like me now, readers? Feel free to chime in in the comments! And don't forget to send your suggestions for the next Blank or Not-A-Blank to twogirlsplusgay@gmail.com!

John Mayer & The Merman break up



God, it seems like it was only yesterday that young lovebirds John Mayer and Jessica Simpson were sharing an over sized martini glass of unidentified fried foods while posing for the camera. This relationship never confused me simply because they are both so highly intelligent, it seemed like a match made in heaven! Now they will be forced to brave the cold winter storm wearing nothing but short shorts and a flannel all alone, as the two have called it quits. Shocking, depressing, fishsticks, a cruel twist of fate - all of these words come to mind, but I promise you...if you keep reading this blog, everything will be alright. Axl, I know you feel their pain:



Also, just thought you would like to know that this guy didn't bone himself after all.

What's happening in New York?



The police are taking it to the streets in New York City ON SEGWAYS. From the New York Times:

“Their obvious advantages are visibility and mobility,” Mr. Kelly said. He was referring to the battery-charged agility of a Segway, which can roll up to 12.5 miles per hour, and to the imposing stature the devices tend to give officers, who are eight inches off the ground and ride standing up.


I'm gonna go ahead and assume that this could work out. If I was doing some crime and a police man rolled up behind me on a segway, he'd probably catch me because I would be laughing at how ridiculous he looked while simultaneously judging him for being the type of asshole that rides a segway. I'm sorry to interrupt the gossip, I just really cannot stand the useless contraption that is the segway. Back to the useless contraptions known as celebrities...

Not too rich to turn down a gift



When you are a pretty successful TV star like Eva Longoria and you are marrying a basketball player like Tony Parker, one could logically assume that you are rich. Unless you agreed to be paid in Cheez-Its (which wouldn't completely surprise me since you two also seem to be a bit lacking in the brains department) I'd wager a guess that you two are worth millions of dollars. So why, dear god why, have you registered for wedding gifts at Tiffany's? I know you can't really envision your life together without the assistance of a $1,500 Scalloped Bowl or 14 champagne flutes at $85 a pop, but can't you buy this shit yourself? I'm still anxiously awaiting my invite, but I assure you that I will get you a great gift. I see at the bottom of your registry you've asked for a week's worth of Girl #1's shit in a box. Well, ask and ye shall recieve. I'll be sure to douse it with some 3121 before I wrap it.

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Mischa Barton's Boob

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One thing that you can always rely on here at TGG is that we will never beat around the bush (or nip/areola/wang/vag) when it comes to naked celebrity bits. There is no need to make a witty comment, or do anything that would halt you from looking at a celebrity's naughty parts and thinking to yourself, "Yep, that sure is _______'s ________" and then moving on with your day. So, to get your Friday started, feel free to look at Mischa Barton's boob by clicking on the photo above. Have a nice day.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Ruffalo keeps it real



Who's trying to sneak a peek at Chloe Sevigny's snatch? Why it's Mark Ruffalo during the photocall for Zodiac at the Cannes Film Festival. Silly Mark, all you have to do is ask her and I'm sure she'd gladly show off her lady bits to you and all of France.



Whoa. You're a bit all over the place aren't you, Mark? Let's take it down a notch, shall we? This is a prestigious event! I mean, Jessica Simpson, a well respected and talented actress was there! Can you clean up your act a bit?



There you go. Now flash me some wang and we'll be all set.

For the love of God, please see this movie



Jerry Seinfeld is teetering on the edge of insanity. To promote his upcoming animated film "Bee Movie" at the Cannes Film Festival, Jerry dressed as a giant bee. The movie isn't even completed yet, and will not be out until November, but when it does come out he really REALLY wants you to see it. Life's been rough on him since Seinfeld left the airwaves, and if you don't go see his movie, he may only have millions of dollars, instead of the bajillion he is used to. This is a desperate man people. Look at Chris Rock. He knows I'm speaking the truth.

The only time you will see him here



Usually, no matter how disgusting Perez Hilton looks, I do not post a picture of him because A) he's a giant douche who B) is not a celebrity. But...I had to share this with you. He's like a perfect mix of a Cabbage Patch Kid and Taylor Hicks. I vow never to mention him again on the blog, but seriously...what the hell is wrong with this guy?

And then there's this...



Britney Spears, can I just ask you a quick question? What's the point of the following:

1) Wearing a shirt at all if your choice in garment is a sheer turtleneck?

2) Wearing necklaces under your sheer turtleneck?

3) The braids? And while we're up there, the Kangol hat? And your face...what is the point of your face?

Brit, please forward your answer in paragraph form to twogirlsplusgay@gmail.com. I anxiously await your reply.

Source

God, why do you hate me?



When Paris Hilton was sentenced to serve 45 days in jail, I was so happy! It was like Christmas in May! All of my friends sent me flowers and cards congratulating me for Paris going to jail. I didn't have anything to do with it, but I am not one to turn away gifts. Look at how overjoyed I was!



But now, it looks like riding your bike wearing sequins qualifies as 'good behavior' because the heiress' sentence has been cut in half before it even began. The Sun reports:

The hotel heiress will now serve around half of her 45-day jail sentence and will be separated from the general inmate population, authorities said on Wednesday.

She will spend about 23 days in a 'special needs housing unit' at the Century Regional Detention Centre in Los Angeles.

Her sentence was shortened after jail officials gave her credit for good behaviour.


So not only does she only have to serve half the time, but she'll be in a 'special needs housing unit'? Has she also qualified as retarded? Because that is usually the only time we refer to anything as 'special needs'. First my favorite reality tv stars are cut off the show like my favorite denim shorts and now this undeserving spoiled bitch gets a break? It's not surprising, but it is still enraging. I hope the crazy butch lesbians that live in jail break into this tard camp where she'll be kept and force her to feast on fish tacos for the full 23 days straight. Let's pray that this happens. Hey, the power of prayer seemed to work for Paris.

I am feelin' the sad things...



I can't believe they let a dude win top model. Sad clown, I feel your pain. Although, I was happy to see Renee's old ass not make the top two. And we all know that the real reason Natasha didn't win is simply because she did not cry during her final chit-chat with Tyra Banks. Tyra assumed that Natasha didn't care enough about being America's Next Top Model to cry, and Natasha assumed that Tyra just kept saying "You are the beautiful one here!" over and over again because she can't understand english. I'll try to let this go, but in the mean time please post any and all links that allow me to peer into Natasha's life in the comments section. I'm dying to see what her husband looks like. I hope he looks like this:



And they kicked Lily Tomlin off Idol, too??!! Aye, this cruel world is almost too much to bear sometimes. TAKE ME NOW, LORD! If Jaslene & Blake are to be the rulers of your reality world, than this is a world I want no part of. I'm glad I brought a box of Franzia to work today. I will have it for breakfast, and gently cry myself to sleep by 11:00am. Don't call for help, I don't want it. If you cut my favorites, do I not bleed? I will try to be strong today for you, dear readers. But I can't make any promises. Natasha, anytime you need a friend, I will be here. Call me.



Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Blender Blunder.

I'd have to disagree with Blenders choice here:

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I even wrote a song about it.

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like your stupid face!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I think you need a new one!

I'm so punk.

Man of a Thousand Wangs



Recently rehabbed gay hot straight man Jonathan Rhys Meyers recently had this to say about Britney Spears:

"If I had a thousand d**ks I wouldn't stick one inside Britney Spears."


He failed to mention how many asses he would stick them in, but my guess would be a cool one-thousand asses. I think this is a pretty bold statement by Meyers. Who's to say what you would do if you really had a thousand wangs. First, where would they be located? All in the pelvic region? There's no way anyone could fit a thousand wangs there. They'd have to be spread out all over the body, and if that's the case, you may not have a choice where your thousands of wangs would be going. Edward Penishands didn't really have a choice now, did he? All I'm saying is, if I had a thousand wangs I'd be boning and peeing all over the place, and if Britney Spears somehow weaseled her ass up in the mix, well then I guess she'd get boned too. Let's think things through before we go running our mouth next time, Jonathan.

Source

Who is the fairest of them all?



Why thank you Ice-T! You are correct, I am the fairest of them all. But by fair, I mean pale/white/almost translucent skin. I most certainly do not mean the most attractive of them all. Oh no, that title goes to your wifey, Coco:






Why the lord chose to bestow all the most beautifulest genes into one sexy lady and not spread them out among his people proportionately, I will never know. Coco, I don't even know you but I'd kill you myself if it meant that I could have one ounce of the beauty you possess.

Will this cuntasaurus ever learn?

First it was Lindsay flashing her bra at Coachella now pictures have surfaced that Paris Hilton is still breaking the law and smoked a joint at the music festival.

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45 days is definetly not long enough for the wonky eyed heiress to be sittin' up in her (jail) room and learn from her dangerous dui because obviously she believes she's still above the law.

When Reality Show Judges Go Bad

Who can forget the lovely day when Tyra Banks went ape shit on angry Tiffany for not liking being on America's Next Top Model enough? I could watch the following clip over and over again for the remainder of time:



Since that day, reality show judges have upped their game in the "threats & yelling" department. The most recent showing comes from Gunnery Sergeant Harvey Walden IV of Celebrity Fit Club. What he lacks in phony empathy, he surely makes up for in swears as he threatens to beat the ever loving shit out of Screech. I love to watch white people who think that they are tough backpedal when then angry black man comes out. Watch, but be warned, this video has a whole lot of angry swearing, which obviously makes me very happy. I haven't smiled this much since last night, when the Golden State Warriors lost crushing the bandwagon hopping dreams of celebrities everywhere.



Source

This makes me want to die



Introducing: quite possibly the worst thing I've seen yet this year...Fergie's latest video for her latest crappy song. I didn't even want to post this because it enraged me so, but it seems like today is going to be another slow news day so I'm forced to show you Fergie walking around with saggy drawers on and destroying any she-bone that I may have had for Peter Petrelli. First your jams are almost getting children killed and now they are making me want to kill myself. You are a villain, Fergie!

Ashton is a surrogate mother



Ashton Kutcher never really did it for me. I mean maybe he does it for you, Demi Moore, since you seem to like the douchey, trucker hat wearing, yell-talking, not looking at the camera while being filmed in black & white, annoying, unintelligent kind of guy. But even I have sympathy for Ashton now that it appears that a small woodland creature has emerged from the dark forest and made a nest on his neck.



I'm guessing that the creature that is feeding off Ashton's neck sweat is most likely the early form of a Lil' Stinker Baby Skunk.



Since Demi is too old to have any babies of her own, we can logically assume that Ashton has been forced to grow a baby on his neck. How else would you explain Demi's loving caress of this otherwise disgusting mess?



Even Donna Karan is repulsed by the motherly neck rub down she's giving her new baby. I hope your Lil' Stinker turns out ok. Right now it's not looking too good.

Source

Disease Swapping Celebrities: A Breakdown



Allow this gritty black & white photograph to serve as proof that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel is boning. Jessica was previously rumored to be boning Ryan Reynolds, who is now officially linked to Scarlett Johansson, who was linked to Timberlake after he made out with and straight up murdered her ass in his shitty video. Holy crap, what a mindfreak! SPEAKING of mindfreak - don't forget that Justin's ex Cameron is boning the sickness that is Criss Angel. Jesus, I can't keep up with all this hollywood disease swapping. I'm just going to ignore it and focus on more important things, like this:



OMG! Top Model finale tonight! Viva Natasha! Why should I be worryin' bout the celebrity when some people have war in the countries? God, I hope she wins.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Fergie's jams almost kill a baby

Jessica Alba is a hot tard



Jessica Alba is either a tard, or has come up with a fabulous new diet. Don't eat anything. Don't drink anything. Not even water. If you are forced to drink water on a photoshoot, just let it dribble down your face. People will think it's sexy because you are Jessica Alba and you could take a crap and guys would rub one out to it. But I'm not convinced that she's not at least mildly retarded. Let's take a look at another photo of her in June's GQ magazine.



Okay. She's tarded. She's eating flowers. I know you dudes don't care because you can kinda see her boobs, and there's a space between them that you'd just love to put your wang in, but regardless of her hotness, a line must be drawn somewhere. And no, I don't mean drawing a line in her vagina with your penis. Fine. I can clearly see I will not be winning this argument. Just go here if you want to see some more pictures of the girl you want to bone, who just so happens to be mentally handicapped.

Upgrade or Downgrade?



People magazine is reporting that Clang Master Diaz is getting her vagina freaked by the one person that is a bigger douchebag than David Blaine. Yes, I'm referring to Criss Angel. But, the question remains: Is Criss Angel a bigger douche than her ex Justin Timberlake? We've already decided that he's kind of a twat, and as a preview of the triumphant return of Blank or Not-A-Blank on Friday, today we will decide if Cameron's new boyfriend is an upgrade or a downgrade from the Timberlake.



UGH! Downgrade. DOWNGRADE!!! Enough said. This dude is straight up sick. Even if JT is a twat, this dude is wearing fur & diamond encrusted handcuffs around his neck. And he spells his name like an asshole, for christ's sake. He is the type of guy that really makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with people. There really isn't much more to discuss. I pray to Salma Hayek's boobs that the mindfreak guy & Cameron Diaz don't procreate. To get your mind off that terrible subject, here is a David Blaine spoof that has relevance because they mention Criss Angel. Enjoy.



And here is a Criss Angel spoof from the show Human Giant.

Heroes is also the greatest thing ever



Just look at the joy (?) plastered onto the faces of The Cheerleader, Nathan Petrelli & That Mind Reading Cop. They are reveling in the frustration & the increasingly-difficult-to-deal-with anticipation that they have caused. You evil bastards. You truly are a villain, Nathan Petrelli. Use this space to chime in on what you think might go down next week on the season finale of Heroes. Will someone blow up? Who will it be? Sylar, Peter or someone else? Are Claire & Peter gonna get their incestuous freak on? You know they both want it. Will we get to see the fatty shape changer's true form? Other than being a massive cunt, what is the Patrelli mom's power? Let's have a discussion, in the comments!

Old Spice is the greatest thing ever



Just when you thought Bruce Campbell had reached the peak of Sweetness Mountain™ with his first commercial for Old Spice and was destined for a long and treacherous fall down its icy slopes, he does another commercial, arguably better than the first. This one also features one of the greatest songs ever written (about a wolf). Enjoy. I know I did.

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I want to uppercut Maddox



Sometimes I think Maddox looks like he can be a real asshole. Always walking around...looking at stuff...playing...being a kid. What a dick. But right now, he looks so damn cute I just want to give him a swift uppercut that sends him to the clouds. And then Maddox and I can play tag in heaven. Would you know my name, Maddox? Damn, he looks cute.

Source

Monday, May 14, 2007

Boobtastic!



I'm pretty sure Salma Hayek is having triplets, and the other two babies are growing in her boobs. Sweet baby jesus, her boobs are LITERALLY the size of her head. I feel sorry for her, having to lug around a fat baby in her stomach as well as enough milk to feed that baby straight through adulthood if need be. Salma, I really hope your boobs don't explode before you deliver the baby. What a mess that would be.

I don't see nothin wrong...



Stop me if you've heard this one before...

5 dudes walk into a room with an ottoman, a mirror & a lamp on the floor...maybe you should just watch this video. Is this what dudes do when there are no ladies around? Or should we be thanking Akon for inspiring the youths of America to learn how to properly grind underage girls/furniture if children are not readily available. After watching the video, I'd like you all to let me know which grind you found to be the most spectacular. Here are the contestants:

1st: Relentless

2nd: X2C

3rd: Pipelaya

4th: Pre$$ure

5th: Satisfaktion

Part of me wants to say that Relentless is the best grinder just because he went first, but I'm not sure anyone can beat a dude with name like Pipelaya. Sorry Akon not even you.

Thank you, BWE. Thank. You.

Dating Nick Lachey is a BLAST!



Just ask, Vanessa Minnillo who looks like she's about to crap her pants, she's so g.d. excited about strolling on the beach with her love. Even the fruity daquiry that Minnillo seemed to chug down (note: Nick prefers to gently sip his lady drink) doesn't seem to have enough booze in it to make hanging out with Nick Lachey enjoyable. I feel your pain, Vanessa. If I was dating Nick Lachey, all I could think about is that he was (allegedly) the first to put his wang all up in this. While the fact that he got to her before she got all whorey may comfort some, if I were to venture a guess, I'd say that Nick's wang sent her down the orange, slutty path that she is now on. And now that wang is all up in you, Vanessa. Get out while you still can!

I'm in love with your behind



One thing that you should know about me is that I love the crazies. And Elton & Betty White are completely insane. At least Betty was, she is dead now (RIP). These two crazy ass bitches were married & sang songs like "I'm in love with your behind" and "The Little Dicks Fit Me Best" on their public access show. Here are two more videos of the beautiful music these two made together. Ebony & Ivory bitches. Now if only the Betty White that we all know and love would stop trying to save the animals and go crazy it up with some black man, the world would be a much better place. Don't you agree?

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I don't blame her



I would give up my first born child for the chance to do what one crazed lucky fan got to do when she was invited on stage to dance with the purple one. The story here is that Prince threw his hands up and mockingly fell to the ground when one fan got too close to him on stage, but LOOK AT WHERE HIS HAND IS! Prince doesn't joke around when it comes with the 'tang. He knew exactly what his little falling down act was gonna get him - a fist full o' vag. That's how Prince likes it. Well played by both parties.

Mase slowly taps that transvestite ass



Some people used to say that rapper turned minister Mase rapped too slow. Now people are saying that his holy ass is a freak, because he apparently was involved in an accident in Hotlanta, and the passenger in his car was a tranny. Here is an audio clip from the woman whose car was struck by Mase. She describes the incident and also uses one of my all time favorite phrases "God don't like ugly". She's right Mase, and just so you know, god also is not a fan of transvestites. Or ice cream. Oh Mase, regardless of whether this is true or not, hopefully your church will banish you and you can slow rap for us all again. White people liked your type of jams because they were slow enough to understand, and didn't use those pesky N and H words. I liked you because you sounded mildly retarded, and them tards always make me smile.

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Celebrities are terrorists



There is a new form of terror that we should all be on the look out for. Set your terror alert-o-meters to blood red, because Jessica Simpson is on the prowl, infesting our good 'ol boys with STD's just by standing near them. These men obviously knew the implications of standing next to STD Simpson, or at least they would if they read our blog. Now 4 of our finest are plagued with the herpes and will be unable to continue their war of terror.



Britney Spears is also terrorizing the nation by showing us the true meaning of the slur "towelhead". Thanks to Britney for literally interpreting this one for us, but we don't want your terrorism in the form of a comeback either. I hope Commander Dubbya is keeping a close eye on our own. Why are we fighting overseas when there is a war at home? And no, I'm not talking about that terrible tv show that makes me want to kill myself.