Friday, May 4, 2007

Britney *hearts* Knut



Britney Spears paid tribute to Knut the baby polar bear last night at her comeback show at the House of Blues in LA. Can you blame Britney for dedicating her show to that lovable, almost-killed bear? For those of you not familiar with Knut, here is a picture of him:



And here is where Britney drew her inspiration from:



Oh my gawsh, y'all! If I turn my head to the side, it looks like he's dancin'! I wanna dance like the polar bear while I lipsync my way through a comeback!

Shiloh gets a new home!



Remaining true to their "only 2 children out at a time" rule, Brad Pitt shows daughter Shiloh where she will be forced to spend the next few weeks, or however long it takes for them to get tired of their other kids. They may have to revise this rule now that they have 4 children, as that cardboard tent only has room for Queen Shiloh. We will keep you posted on any breaking developments.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Is that me?



Apparently David Hasselhoff is a fan of the sauce. So much so, he forces his daughter to videotape him when he is drunk on the floor, shirtless & eating pizza. Something just seems fishy about this clip. It seems like the daughter is reading a script, but regardless of the authenticity of The Hoff's drunkeness...this clip RULES. It reminds me of how I spend each and every Tuesday evening from the hours of 5-7pm. Only I'm wearing a belly shirt that says "Who Farted?", instead of pizza I'm eating from the dog bowl, and I usually end up crying myself to sleep. So, at least he's not doing that? My love for The Hoff is renewed.

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Blinded by the White



I think Ryan Gosling is my long lost twin in paleness. This dude is white. And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. If you want to see more of his pale, pasty glory go here. Keep on being revved up like a douche, Gosling.

Brangelina get drunk



Now this is what I like to see. Brad Pitt and un-wifey Angelina Jolie celebrated my birthday yesterday by going out for a nice, romantical dinner for two. Angelina seems to be doing quite well, possibly due to the fact that she is drinking beer & wine for dinner. Now, you might say "Girl #1, you fucking dumbass, I'm sure the beer is for Brad, while Angelina is content sipping her glass of Merlot". Well assholes, it looks to me like both of those dranks are sitting quite close to Angie, leading me to believe that they are both for her. Why do you think The Jesus gave us two hands? So we could have two drinks at all times, obviously. So there. Brad is blocking the view of his booze with his body, but I'm sure he's got 3 drinks on the table - he can hold the third with his wang.

Lohan bones Mexicans, Rat



Here is Lindsay Lohan with her latest "mystery man" (read: Gay guy she thinks is straight). Page Six ran this little gem about the clean & sober one today:

Lindsay Lohan just can't seem to stop partying - and, unluckily for her, word on the street is that someone may have recorded her revelry with a cellphone video camera. We can't divulge what Lohan was allegedly caught doing, but if true, it won't sit well with her younger fans. Apparently, all the naughtiness went down last week at a party at a private house in Beverly Hills that was also attended by her frenemy Paris Hilton, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos and Ryan Seacrest. At one point, the party was disrupted by a huge rat that ran into several rooms, causing revelers to scream, drop their drinks and run, until Niarchos kicked the rodent out onto a balcony. A rep for Lohan told Page Six, "I have not heard of this."


What do you suppose this "thing she was doing" actually is? I mean, her younger fans seem to be cool with the fact that she drinks & does drugs, so I'm thinking it's something more along the lines of:

*Discussing the validity of the "There's no such thing as monsters" argument

*Eating Vegetables

*Allowing her parents to live their dreams vicariously through her

*Doing homework

Or maybe it's the obvious, getting gangbanged by all attendees of said party, including the waitstaff consisting of dirty, filthy Mexicans and the rat that was apparently there. Kids hate Mexicans.

That cannot feel good



While the world was celebrating the birth of Girl #1 yesterday, some of the Spice Girls got together to celebrate the birth of one soccer star who was chiseled from a mix of God's peen sweat & one of those shirts that say "100% Beefcake"; David Beckham. This obviously less important occasion was marked by Geri Halliwell attempting to sacrifice her boobs in Beckham's honor, while Scary & Baby Spice looked on with glee:



And where was the happy couple? Making their entrance, looking painfully hottt, per usual:



I plan on celebrating my birthday next year by breaking into their new LA mansion and hiding under their bed, in hopes to hear them boning above me. Who am I kidding? Posh & Becks don't bone in bed! I'm sure they get all freaky on top of their plasma TV, which is most likely mounted to the wall therefore significantly increasing the level of difficulty. They wouldn't want it any other way.

Source

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

What a great birthday!



Thanks for making my birthday one that was filled with great joy, naked Britney Spears! Oh, and of course thank you dear readers & fellow blog-mates Girl #2 & The Gay. I'm off to drown my joy in booze, but I'll leave you with this fine photo of what I did on my 24th birthday last year. I sure hope this birthday can top the last one. Somehow, I doubt it.

A Brangelina Birthday!

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Just when you thought they already had too many kids, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are announcing another adoption to their family!

It's Girl #1! What better way to celebrate your birthday then to become a part of the Jolie-Pitt family.

Let the good times roll...

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Starvation: Who Wore It Best?



On the left, we have a starving child. On the right, we have Amy Winehouse. Starvation Chic: Who wore it best? Also in the running:



Leave your votes, in the comments!

Thank you, Britney!



Well, it looks like Britney Spears got my email. You know, the one where I asked her to pose with nothing but flowers covering her lady lumps for my birthday! My day is now complete. If yours is not, and you'd like to see some more of this (god help you) go here.

You can bite me anytime, Angel.

Even if you never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel or Bones, you can enjoy hottie david Boreanaz shaking his milkshake for all to see in West Hollywood.

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Photos Source

And for those who come here to see some cock and balls, David Boreanaz also satiates our needed fix for that
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CLICK HERE FOR NSFW GLORY

It worked for Batman & Robin



When Gotham City was overrun by the likes of Poison Ivy & Mr. Freeze did R. Kelly just sit back and watch that shit happen? Hell no! He got out there and wrote a song. A song that inspires kids to lip sync it and put it on you tube (I chose this video because I believe that the kid above felt it a little deeper than this kid). Well, residents of Blacksburg, VA, the pee-master is bestowing the same courtesy to you in the wake of your recent tragedy. Yes, kiddies, R. Kelly is releasing a tribute song called "Rise Up" all about healing in the aftermath of the April 16 shootings. I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it, but now that R. Kelly is on board, I know that everything will be alright. I highly suggest you click on that link, as it also has excerpts from an interview with R. Kelly's brother, in which he talks a whole lot of shit about Sir Pees-A-Lot.

It feels like the first time



Britney Spears had her precious little comeback show in San Diego last night. Awww, look at the little Spears. It's as if her scantily clad self never *deep breath* got married to a douche, had two kids cut out of her, divorced the douche (but not before documenting every move they made and airing it on national tv), flashed her vagina thrice in a row, shaved her head, went to rehab, ate some fast food...the list goes on. But none of that matters anymore, because Britney laid in the tanning bed for a couple weeks, draped a couple of pieces of bedazzled fabric 'cross her boobies, put on some white boots and started lip syncing & gyrating for us all over again:




While I love the song Toxic, I was expecting...I don't know...something different maybe from Britney. I know if I got my ticket for $500 off ebay to see her pretend to sing for 16 minutes, I would at least want to see her head spin around or something. Britney is going about this all wrong. She really needs to run with the crazy like she has been. People are already expecting this:



So why not give them this instead:



I'm thinking Little Miss Sunshine meets MC Skat Kat a la Opposites Attract only with a monkey. I would pay $500 to see that.

More Pics of the Comeback show here

A quarter of a century and still lookin good.

Hey devout tgg readers did you know that 25 years ago today, the greatest blogger of this celebrity gossip era slid all up and out of her mother's vag and entered this fine world? Yes, my friends, I'm talking about the one and only, Girl #1.

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IT'S HER BIRTHDAY YA'LL.

And that means its time to celebrate! And we here at tgg are not the only ones who are getting ready.

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These two hoes started drinking last night, partly for Girl #1's birthday but mainly so that they could prep for Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it, that Mexicans Day Off.

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We did invite the Cruise family, but really only to shut the door in the faces of those crazy Scientologists.

But seriously, this is a big deal guys. Even Whitney is putting herself together and trying to make herself respectable for the big celebration!

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And of course, it wouldn't be a celebration if the Beckhams didn't make an appearance, but first, it appears they are shopping for a gift!

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Might I suggest just showing up sans Posh, Mr. Beckham?

So as you see, people, today we must celebrate and of course pay tribute to our beloved Girl #1. You can play your part, by leaving her some good words and lots of dirty thoughts... in the comments!

Happy Birthday Girl #1. Now get that fine piece of ass a drink!

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Just like HUH-KNEE!

Scarlett Johannson tried singing at Coachella this past weekend. First, she found her favorite moo moo & cowboy hat and moseyed her ass on stage:



Then she stood there, looked awkward, and repeated the same line over and over again when her time came. She sang with an accent all of us nasally Michiganders would be proud of, but I don't understand where it came from, exactly...



I am enraged all over again that this twat is going to put out a Tom Waits cover album. May her moo moo suffocate her before that terrible tragedy occurs. At least one person found her performance at Coachella magical:


Lookin' Good Lohan!



Like Lindsay Lohan I often find myself faced with the pesky problem of me short shorts falling down. Lohan offers up a solution: Denim suspenders strapped onto your shorts! I think there is more fabric in the suspenders than in the shorts themselves, but no matter, these sweet suspenders certainly get the job done while saying "ARRG MATEY! HOIST UP THE MAIN SAIL JUST LIKE ME PANTS!" Or maybe that's her red & white striped shirt that's talking like a pirate.

Sorry for the lack of posts this morning. I had to take my puppy Betty Bacon to the vet.



I'll try to do better for the remainder of the day, but there really isn't much to see today. Unless, of course, you count the Lohan dancing in her bra, then I guess there is this. But perhaps you'd rather just see another picture of my puppy?



Or perhaps you'd rather see pictures of my puppy as Lindsay Lohan?



Way to work hard for the money, little puppy! I told her the free ride was over, and I wasn't kidding. So yeah, if the celebrity world doesn't get its ass in gear today, expect many a'picture of my dog as various celebrities.

My Hair Weave costs about 5g's and all you natural blondes be jealous of me!

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A sauced up Lindsay Lohan apparently enjoying herself at the Coachella Festival in Southern California. She enjoyed herself so much that it inspired her to record a third album this August! "I want to do what Britney was doing. I want to work with Pharrell and Justin Timberlake and Timbaland." I can't wait for song titles like "More Rumors," and "Confessions of a Drunk Talentless Girl," and "You can still Drink in Rehab (ode to AA)."
There's also another industry that the actress is very interested in conquering. "I think I should be a stylist," she said, recalling a recent Chanel shopping excursion. "I'm taking things off the mannequins because I'm like taking everything from the store. ... I mean, I saved another room at the Chateau Marmont for a year that was just a closet! That's not normal!" If taking shit off mannequins is what a stylist does then i want that job. Does the sauce really make you think u can steal other people's work and call it your own? I'm tired of rumors, rumors.....

Monday, April 30, 2007

Speaking of my birthday



There is only one thing that I love more than The Big Lebowski and that is punching the ever-lovin' crap out of some cute babies. Since I'm punching babies on Tuesday, Thursday & Friday of this week, my birthday - WEDNESDAY - is wide open for some Lebowski action figures. Feel free to order them and then hold them up to your monitor and wish them to me. Or you can email us (twogirlsplusgay@gmail.com) and I'll give you our "office" address. The Lebowski Urban Achievers set comes with a plush Dude & Walter along with fun accessories like yellow tinted sunglasses & a tin coffee can/urn. Click here to check it out in all of its glory. The set doesn't ship until October, but it's okay...I'll wait.

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Fuggerman 3 rambles on



Happy Birthday Kirsten Dunst, you horrible beast of a woman. It pains me to know that not only do we share the same birth year, but we are separated by mere days (That's right y'all - yours truly has a birthday coming up on Wednesday! You can paypal me money that I will surely spend on male strippers in Canada. They show wang there!). If we had been born in the same hospital, on the same day, I would have crawled my wrinkly, sick newborn baby ass over to your tupperware box and strangled you with your own umbilical cord. But, since that was not our fate, the world gets to see you promoting Spiderman 3 again somewhere looking like one of Santa's little racoon eyed whores. Happy Birthday!

Touching Tongues



Remember when Lily Allen was kicking at the paparazzi like an asshole and her boyfriend shot her a well deserved judgemental look? No? Remind yourself. Back? Great! Lily Allen has learned how to keep her boyfriend's (I think that's the same guy. I really can't be sure. All you roundish dudes with your scruffy beards look the same to me) judgemental looks at bay, and that is by jamming her tongue down his throat! See how his facial expression and general demeanor has changed:



She has brought joy to the joyless! I'm sure this guy was perfectly content being angry at everything, but Lily had to go fuck that all up by massaging the happy zones in his brain with her tongue. Thanks to Lily Allen, all you jaded men will experience joy again, so you better crank your cynical attitudes into overdrive. This little Brit is about to lick you into submission.

Source

Slutty trash



Dear Britney Spears,

We know you are really excited about your new body. We also know that you are really ashamed about that whole silly head-shaving incident, and like to cover it up with a cowboy hat. But this shit needs to stop. It is April 30, not October 31st - so these "slutty [insert profession here - my guess is waitress?]" costumes you keep wearing are really inappropriate. We're probably just jealous, though. I know The Gay is.

Heart,

Girl #1

I'm worried about him



Can you spot the woman? Steven Tyler is starting to resemble the way a fruit roll-up looks when you take it out of its handy plastic/waxy wrap and unroll it. He's all shiny and something tells me he probably smells of watermelon. I don't know why he would smell like watermelon, it's just something I'd like to think he'd smell like just to help me cope with the terror I feel when looking at him.

Boy George has got some problems



We all already knew not to trust, go near, or listen to Boy George, but someone needs to have a sit down with this guy. This crazy gay was arrested this weekend on charges of false imprisonment and common assault. He allegedly cruised the website Gaydar, and elicited the services of a male "model" who showed up to his place, only to be KIDNAPPED & CHAINED TO A WALL. The Daily Mail reports:

Auden Carlsen, 28, claimed he was grabbed by the singer and another man and chained up after the star invited him to his house in Shoreditch to pose for photographs...But the Norwegian said he feared for his life when Boy George pounced on him and tied him up.

“I was convinced I was going to die,” he said. “George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed as they held me down.”


Hmmm...a likely story, indeed. I don't believe this queen because he tried to spin the story by claiming that he wasn't working as an escort. No one looks at an ad online for "modeling services", and thinks they are actually going to be modeling. If you do, maybe you need to have Boy George tie you up and knock some sense into your dumbass. Regardless, Boy George has got some serious problems. Remember when he had to do community service for reporting a false burglary? Bitch is crazy:



And I don't mean in the "You so crazy! I think I wanna have your baby" way. Because I don't.

Okay, fine. Maybe I do. I've always dreamed of having an androgynous, insane child and I can think of no better sperm donor. As long as I don't have to bone his crazy, make-upped ass. Or let him touch me. Ew.