My Grandmother is a beautiful and wondrous woman. She used to have red carpet in her basement that would turn my socks red. I'm pretty sure she also had this lovely shade of lipstick that Beyonce is wearing. I'm not sure if it's the lipstick, the slightly gray looking hair, or the caked on make-up but...Grandma? Is that you? AM I REALLY AND TRULY BLACK AFTER ALL!?! I knew I was! I just knew it! My ass don't lie. Me & Grammyonce have a lot of catching up to do y'all. In the meantime, you can check out more pictures of my Grandma here.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Paris Hilton & James Blunt were kissing or some shit last night and now people think they might be dating. While I could give a shit less who either of these douchebags decided to swap diseases with, I can understand this pairing. They both annoy the shit out of me either via their singing or their actions, so it's clear that they would be a match made in ear bleeding, ugly, retarded heaven. Either that or their combined annoyance will slowly but surely take over the world. I'm praying for the former. While I'm doing that, does anyone care to take a stab at how Renee Zellwegger reportedly bagged Jim from The Office?
Cameron is getting some shit today about getting wasted last night & subsequently being photographed. I don't hate Cameron for being wasted, I hate her for looking (and it pains me to say this) good while being so wasted. She looks good leaving the gym, and now she looks good even when she can barely open her eyes. When I get wasted I either A) state, into the microphone at karaoke, that I think I got AIDS from entering the bar due to the high frequency of times a 47 year old woman flashed her vag at me (this made sense to me at the time) or B) fall down dancing at the gay bar so many times that I wake up with large, unsightly bruises all over my legs (both of these are, unfortunately, true stories). Well, I still have one up on you, Cameron. You wanna know why? Do I even have to say it?
Sweet Jesus. It's official: Britney Spears has been damned from birth. Britney's daddy emailed Page Six regarding the recent firing of her manager, Larry Rudolph. Daddy was all:
"When Larry Rudolph talked Britney into going into rehab, he was doing what her mother, father and team of professionals with over 100 years of experience knew needed to be done. She was out of control. Larry was the one chosen by the team to roll up his sleeves and deliver the message, to help save her life.
The Spears family would like to publicly apologize to Larry for our daughter's statements about him over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, she blames him and her family for where she is at today with her kids and career. Larry has always been there for Britney. For this, we will forever be grateful to him."
It's good to know that Britney's daddy is more concerned with appeasing her recently fired manager over his daughter. Why was Britney's manager designated as the one to tell Britney that her ass needed to get in rehab. Why not have...I don't know...HER FRIGGIN PARENTS deliver this news? But just when you start to feel bad for Ms. Spears, she has to release a statement via her new/old manager Leslie Sloane Zelnik:
"I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship. It's sad that all the men that have been in my life do not know how to accept a real woman's love. I am concentrating on my work and my life right now."
Not the craziest thing she's ever said, but perhaps she's been listening to that old Alicia Keys song a little too much these days. Britney, you're sounding like you're about to go gay. Whenever the ladies start damning all the men in their life and talking about "real women", they are mere steps from licking vag. I watch that Work Out show, I know how this shit works. But until you finally give in to your desires and start lezzing it up, keep fighting with your family in the public eye, please. I think the celebrity world just started to get interesting again!
...Especially if you are his daughter Ireland. TMZ obtained a voicemail that Baldwin left to his daughter Ireland. Let's just say he was less than pleased with her when he left this message. In the message he calls his daughter among other things a "filthy little pig" for not answering the phone when he called and threatened to "straighten her out", which in my personal experience means that she is about to get beat. Maybe she was in the bathroom when you called Alec, Jesus. Do you really need your daughter to answer the phone while she's squeezing out a deuce? This really makes me sad, because I have been on Team Baldwin for this entire Baldwin vs. Basinger custody battle to the death, even more so since 30 Rock started and renewed my love for this angry, angry man. It is always sad when celebrities are doing so well and then just blow it all by doing something stupid. Alec Baldwin, please cool it now.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
When celebrities get me down with their constant doing nothing, I tend to wander about in other places on the internets, and sometimes I find fun things. Here are some of the joys I found today:
Holy Crap this video is long! 24 freakin minutes over here! I have to admit, I've only watched a bit (half) of it, but this guy venting & swearing while trying to beat a custom level of Super Mario is hilarious:
I am going to start carrying phone books around with me, so if anyone tries to EFF with me, I'll just tear that shit in half & throw it in their face. I just hope they haven't seen this video:
Doesn't the still image of this video look kinda like a fat vagina? I promise that it's not.
And finally, I kinda hate myself for not hating this song from Jason Schwartzman's new band Coconut Records, but the song is catchy and he somehow made skateboarding look cool again. I'm sure the next song will blow ass and I'll feel comfortable unwarrantedly hating his mole-y face again.
Awwww shit, y'all. She's back! The Vagina/Penis power lady is back up on you tube! This clip was only the beginning. Here's her website, and here's her myspace. After you watch this clip, can you please explain to me what this "project cheese" is? Nevermind, it's not important, what is important is that women need to start piloting their own vaginas, as Alexyss Tylor commands. It is also important that you can read the entire transcript of the original clip here. Reading what she is saying instead of listening to it makes it slightly less NSFW, but only slightly. Alexyss Tylor is my hero.
OMG Y'ALLS! Don't know enough about Lindsay Lohan? Care to peek inside of her poorly written myspace messages? Well, thanks to this person, you can now see this, which is a bunch of screencaps of Lindsay run-on sentencing and poorly grammaring with the likes of Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler. Pretty soon there will be a website with all of the goodies posted for all to see. Like...Hooray? I didn't know people could hack myspace! Sweet jesus, I hope no one hacks my myspace. I'm sure they'll stay away from me though, because I'm obviously the coolest mom ever. Maybe Lindsay should have tried that...
And while Heidi Klum is at Target (just fucking like us, muthafuckas!!!), Mischa Barton has enlisted what looks like Michael Stipe to carry her not one, not two, but THREE purses, and some off camera slave to walk her dog. But, I understand Mischa. While this may not be the most practical or rational way to shop, or walk, or whatever she is doing, it's gotta be hard to walk around looking like you were styled by Hollywood Montrose from Mannequin. That latex miniskirt must certainly restrict her leg movement, which doesn't really explain why she can't carry her own shit, but these pesky "questions" shouldn't be posed to such a fabulous A-List Keds spokesperson.
Heidi Klum, thank you for being so sensible and shopping at Target! And thank you for bringing your ridiculously cute son Henry along for the ride. I don't know if I've seen very much of this kid, but holy crappin' dang if he isn't one of the cutest celebrity babies I've seen. This is a maddening form of cuteness that causes me to want to pick him up by his crazy pointy hair and punt him so he lands in the kitchenware side of target, which is clear on the other side of the store. We need more Henry in 2K7.
Akon totally grinded the crap out of the girl (who is rumoured to be 14) in the photo above. And by "grinded the crap out of" i mean practically R'd her with his clothes on. Take a look:
Apparently this went down in Trinidad, where Akon told the audience that he was having a dance-off contest and that they could win a trip to Africa. By "trip to Africa", Akon obviously meant he'd put his African wang all up in them, because that's all this "winner" got. There was no contest, there was no trip to Africa, Akon just wanted to get his grind on. Dang, Akon - I hope you at least bought that poor girl a pizza when you were finished tossing her around like a raped rag doll.
Source via Dlisted
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Angelina Jolie revealed how she would get all slutty when she was in kindergarten. It has been reported that she would take off her clothes and make out with boys.
"I created a game where I would kiss the boys and give them cooties."
Angelina Jolie created herpes?
She went on to discuss how she would also use a knife and cut her sex partners and herself too because the sex wasn't enough.
Were you paying attention kids?
I know there are a lot of Angelina Jolie fans out there. I for one, am not one of those. I'm not saying I hate her, I just don't get why people think she's so great. But what I don't get even more is why so many people can't adopt kids yet they let this psycho, cootie giving, knife cutting, insestual adulteress pick 'em by the lot. How is she suitable to raise kids?? I mean, I guess she's no crack head. Being an oversexed cutter is a much more ideal parent, especially if it attracts the likes of Brad Pitt. Lord knows these kids can't turn into sluts on their own!
LOOK INTO MY EYES! FATHER HAS TAKEN THE ASIAN OUT FOR NOW. LOOK INTO MY EYES AND FOLLOW SCIENTOLOGY! DOCTORS ARE BAD, AND SO ARE THE PILLS THEY GIVE YOU! THEY TRIED TO EAT ME WHEN I WAS IN MY MOTHER'S SOUL VESSEL! LOOK INTO MY EYES, YOU MUST TRUST ME! I'M SUCH A CUTE BABY, WHY WOULD I LIE, PLUS I'M ASIAN, YOU KNOW I AM RIGHT! MUWHAHAHAHA, DON'T TELL FATHER I CALLED MYSELF ASIAN!!! MUST HYPNOTIZE OR I DON'T GET FED.
Maybe she's illiterate ya'll.
But even she knows everyone can read this
Apparently that rear view belongs to the American Idol winner, Fantasia Barrino, who by the way is totally hooked on phonix
Now, if only they could get all 4,825 dudes that would be able to verify if that ass belongs to the unread ho, then we'd really have something to write about. Until then we will continue to portray her as a dirty ghettHO, cuz thats just life.
Mickey begs to differ
Oh my sweet dear lord. The devil is beginning to make his escape from the body of that terrifying spawn that Liz Hurley let loose from her vagina. This is how it begins. First the devil starts attacking the stomach, sending the child into fits of pain that the mother has been told to ignore by chatting on her cell phone. Next thing you know, that kid's torso is gonna burst open and this is gonna come flying out:
Which is all fun & games now, but we all know that in a couple months that cute little devil turns into this:
The horns are buried under that fabulous mane of his. Look out, Elizabeth Hurley - this evil could come popping out any friggin day now. Click on the thumbnails below for more of the Devil's escape:
Did you guess correctly in your mind? If you guessed Sandra Bullock you were right! If you didn't guess Sandra Bullock, I understand. You were probably confused when I said it was a "star" or a "celebrity". ZING, Sandra. Between that and my other ZING about the dog food, I'd say that I've wasted you in the ZING department today. How you like me now? Really I'm just bitter at Sandra for not making Demolition Man 2. The first one was just so great...
What celeb is taking her
dog food lunch out of her trunk while some fine gentlemen carefully guides her by the hand? Oh you crazy stars, you may think that you are better than us, but you're not. YOU ARE EFFING JUST LIKE US!!! Only my fine gentlemen that carefully guides me by the hand is Indian and he lets me call him Sanjaya, so in your face mystery celeb! Leave your guesses in the comments!
Hollywood bombshells and trannies are jumping with glee with the advent of the new Adjustable Breast Augmentation. Many of the 300,000 augmentations and reconstructions performed each year, the patients are unsatisfied with the results. So instead of performing another invasive procedure, why not just come in and be pumped or depumped of the booby solution and be the real fembot we all were meant to be.
HOW IT WORKS:
1. The implant consists of a "port" that is left exposed after the implant is inserted (usually subcutaneously) under general anesthesia.
2. Then the surgeon takes the patient in front of a mirror and PUMPS YOU UP! to the desired boob size, and can adjust the implant over a period of weeks.
3. Allegedly uses new magical skin stretching techniques to make the boobies a more natural "hour glass" shape.
4. TA DA FEMBOTs are created!
Now the likes of Pamela Anderson, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears can fool any of us into really not knowing if they did or didn't get there boobies done.
Hi, I'm Jessica Simpson. Are you cursed as I am? No, I'm not talking about my hideous face or personality, I'm talking about my lack of a FUPA, or Fat Upper Pussy/Pubic (whichever floats your boat) Area. For many a FUPA, you can check out this blog. Yes, my lack of a FUPA has cursed me for many years. You may think that celebrities can "have it all" but all I want is a good old fashioned FUPA for my lovely love John Mayer to rest his head upon. He can make his strange faces into it while I gently stroke his hair and sing "This little light of mine" into his ear. I've tried overeating but I either can't resist the urge to purge, or all the weight goes straight to my labias instead of the upper region where I'd like it. But thanks to HIGH-RISE JEANS, my lack of a FUPA problem is solved! These high-rise jeans are perfect because they are all bunchy right where my FUPA would be! Me & John thank you, awful jeans, for making my lifelong dream become a reality!
When Lindsay Lohan was in Japan last week, I kinda felt like something was missing in my life. Everything seemed to just fall apart. Here's why:
"When my friends and family are around me I feel like they're safe . . . When my friends have left me - I've just seen everything collapse. They're not safe without me"
Yes Lindsay, your mom especially seems to do really great things when she's around you, and I do really great things when I'm reading about you! You are like Jesus in that way. You are my firecrotched rock and I don't know what I'd do without you. I appreciate that you are reaching your hand out to the unidentified black man in the photo above and giving him the ol' Lohan drunk eyes. Touch and heal the people Lohan! As it says in the Book of Lohan, "And she descended upon the earth in a cloud of cocaine, and she breathed her vodka/cran breath upon them, and they were safe". You were put on this earth to do more than just get drunk, go to rehab, and then come out of rehab and continue to drink & party. Well, according to you in that same interview, your life is partying, and you're not going to give that up...well, maybe you are, who knows really? But what I do know is that it's good to have you out there, takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Thank you, Lindsay Lohan, for making this world a better place.
In my days as a psedu-pop-punk youth, I often tried to pull off the Gestapo Barbie look, but to no avail. Thank the Canadian God that we have Avril Lavigne to show us how to really do this look right. Even though she dresses like this all the time, I can't help but be surprised by how each ensemble she chooses seem to get increasingly worse. She's just screaming to be date raped under the bleachers after prom. And Doc Martens aren't for you Avril. They are for lesbians. Just like FUBU is for blacks. So unless you are prepared to divorce your husband and start munching on some vag, I suggest you remove those shoes immediately.
When you first click on this clip of a MOTHER & DAUGHTER talking about penis, vagina, clits, penis power, $2.99 meals, screwing into slavery, rabbit vibrators, rectums, women as cum freaks, penis dreams (lord have mercy), and much, much more...your first reaction might be, "9 minutes? Really? Do I really have to watch all 9 minutes? Can't I just watch the first couple minutes and get the gist of what's going on?", and the answer is "NO! YOU MUST WATCH THE ENTIRE THING". Finally, someone is brave enough to speak the truth about sex on Atlanta public access. And the little chair dancing at the end is really the icing on the vagina-enslaved cake. My god, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me on a Wednesday morning since...no, I think this is the greatest thing I've ever witnessed, ever. I'm moving to Hot-lanta so I can watch this show every day.
BWE via Gawker
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
You know what happens when i step into the place.I'm fergilicious, ya'll niggas know you want a taste. They know i aint that promiscuous. I'm the realeast bitch up in this place, i know the real from the fake. You gotta problem come and say it to my face. Fergie Ferg make an Impact. Imma pull ya wig back. Fellas like the way i move my waist yay
This is in response to Nelly Fu talking shit about Stacy Ferguson in the Timba track "Give It To Me." Both biatches need to recognize that they both were filling in the space that Gwen "clang" Stefani carved out.
Alright, I'm sure many of you have seen this already, but here is a sketch from a website called FunnyorDie.com. Now, y'all know that I love cute kids & I also love Will Ferrel, and I'm not saying that this kid is not cute, but I just didn't find this all that funny. Am I in the wrong here? Probably. I mean, lots of people found this to be funny, but it just didn't do it for me. What do you think? You know what I do find to be a bit funny? How much Tori Spelling's child looks like an alien:
Aaaand I can pretty much now safely say that I will be burning in hell. See you there, gays!
Here we have Kelly Clarkston on the set of the video for her latest single, "Never Again". Sorry Kelly, but I've heard a song that sorta sounds like this already. It's called "Never Ever" by All Saints.
I'm sorry that I have such an unbelievable knack for digging up the shittiest songs ever created and posting them on the blog, but how can you resist the lyrics "Never ever have I ever felt so sad, the way I'm feeling yeah you got me feeling really bad"? I mean, that really just sums up what feeling sad feels like, innit? If you don't like this song, you can write it in a letter, babe and send it to email@example.com. Sorry dudes, it's still slow in the celebrity world. Enjoy All Saints, I know I will. And real quick, when you watch the All Saints video, there's a black and white picture of the group that preceeds the actual video. Can someone tell me if the black girl has a mustache in that picture? Because I think that she does...
“I have fame on the level of a Marilyn Monroe or an Elvis, but part of the reason I didn’t go the way they did was because of my beliefs... People make judgments about it [Scientology], but often they don’t know what they’re talking about, I would advise anyone who wants to know about it to read up on it. We [the Church of Scientology] are only getting bigger and we help people all over the world, from disaster zones to drug rehabilitation...We were having a problem in Germany [where some critics called Scientology a money-making entity rather than a religion] I talked to [former president Bill] Clinton who talked to Chancellor Kohl and things have improved since then.”
Bill Clinton, you had me at getting a BJ and sticking a cigar up some ho's snatch. But sir, you have definitely lost me by helping out a scientologist. How does that even work? John Travolta called up Bill Clinton who then called up the King of the Germans and told him to stop having his country tell the truth about scientology? I have read about Scientology, John Travolta, and because I did, I have an insane hatred for anyone affiliated with the organization. Yes, even you Beck you damn Scientologist by birth:
Sad, isn't it.
Suicidal thoughts are common when you are around Kimora Lee Simmons (thankfully covering her fug face on the far left). But combine Kimora with Tyra Banks and Beyonce, and I'm pretty sure Jay-Z was thinking of little else. Why would Jay-Z even go to the basketball game with these annoying bitches? Oh yes, because he is a slave to Beyonce's vagina. But you know what, that vagina can't clench his wang forever, and one of these days Jay-Z is just gonna snap. I hope it's at a basketball game, I hope he takes out his years of pent up rage on Tyra Banks, and finally, I hope it is in the form of a swift uppercut to her face.
It's as if her face is saying "There is no way that anyone is buying that I am a woman anymore." And she's right. Look at her chest:
That is the chest of a 13 year old boy if I ever saw one. And I have. Just yesterday, in fact. I won't go into too many details, but lemme just say that if you haven't invited all the neighborhood boys over to give them chest massages while you bake casseroles and tell their parents that you are helping them with their homework, you have not lived. But anyhoo - I really think Kelly Ripa is actually a prepubescent boy. Or maybe she resembles the only other thing I find more attractive than a prepubescent boy, __________________. Fill in the blank, bitches. What do you think Kelly Ripa looks like, or What do you think would be the only thing I would find more attractive than a prepubescent boy? If you don't know me by now, you will never ever ever know me...
Monday, April 16, 2007
Kimberly from Melrose Place Marcia Cross' twin babies! Even though the above picture looks like it was taken at the Sears Photo Studio, look at them babies!!!
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! So...cute...it...hurts. I want to smash their little heads together. See more pictures of the little babies here.
Look! It's repulsive Paris Hilton! I can't wait until this piece of trash gets old. She is going to be so sick. Because when you spend days in a tanning bed perfecting that hideous orange glow, you end up looking like this by the time you are 30:
The only difference is, that old lady rules whereas Paris Hilton blows. And will probably continue to blow anything that moves until her old wrinkly jaw falls off.
Look! It's Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. Rumours are flying today that these two have called it quits. This is because Ryan told a reporter at the premiere of "Fracture" that they broke up. This may make you happy or sad, depending on whether you believe that these two are actually the couple from The Notebook, or whether you have a secret shrine dedicated to Ryan Gosling in your basement and you've been praying to your special edition dvd of The Notebook that their relationship will end so he can be yours. So "Hooray!" or "So Sorry" depending on which type of crazy you are.
Oh, to be Zahara Jolie-Pitt. To have Brad Pitt pick me up and hold me by the butt and take me to Baskin Robbins to buy me an ice cream cake. Zahara Jolie-Pitt is the luckiest child in the entire world. And she knows it. I see how you're looking at me Zahara, and you don't have to be all in my face with the fact that your dad is Brad Pitt and that he's touching your butt. Dang, what a cute kid. Too bad my envy outweighs her cuteness. You're dead to me, Zahara. I hope the cake was worth it.
Kate Middleton. You dumbass ho. You had to have it all, didn't you? You couldn't just fucking relax and let your Prince boyfriend touch some boobies. Being the future Queen of England wasn't enough for your ass? You wanted him to be faithful too? Look where that greediness got you - DUMPED. Now what are you gonna do? Also, just so you know, when your friends say things like this:
"Kate is made of sterner stuff. She is gorgeous, great fun and a catch for anyone. It is his loss."
They are lying. This is definitely your loss. BIG.TIME. You don't understand. You coulda had class. You coulda been a contender. You coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what you are, let's face it. But even the lonely coulda-been-Queens get a breakup song. Hopefully Celine can ease the pain for you. And Prince William, even though you have the largest teeth I have ever seen on a man, I will gladly be your Queen and you can run your penis all around the world for all I care. My first duty as Queen of England will be to hire Britney Spears to be my personal jester. I will also find the best hos in the world for you to bone if you'd like. You know why, because if I'm the Queen of England, I really wouldn't be concerned with where you were putting your penis. I'd have other things to worry about like "What will Jester Spears do for me today" and "Where-oh-where do I put the piles of money that I now have?". And isn't that what you're looking for in a Queen anyway? Give me a call.
I'm going to the Diana Ross concert at the Palace tonight ya'll.
I know. I know. Can we say, JEALOUS?
I mean, sure, maybe I didn't plan to go, nor does this concert have the same yearning feeling as this, but we know Diana is crazy and really, I have no idea what to expect.
I do hope to see some of this
but I get the feeling it might be more like this
Either way, Diana made a kick ass song that plays at the end of the original The Land Before Time, and I'm sorry but that makes her a legend in my crying eyes every time I hear it.
Go here to watch crazy Britney
Yeeeeeaaah....About this, that post that I said that rehab had done good things for Britney and that she was trying to be a regular again...not so much. Take a look at Britney's HI-LAR-IOUS video in which she attempts to take a sarcastic stab at the media for portraying her like an asshole. Unfortunately for Britney, she doesn't understand that videos like this, stunts she pulls like shaving her head, the entire Chaotic show, basically anything this ho does is in the public eye. So telling us that you weren't drunk all the time, or that you aren't crazy doesn't really work, bitch! We've seen it. All of it. Too much of it. And now, we're seeing it again. But we love crazy Britney. We always have, and we always will. So stop denying your true insane self. Seeing you all crazy-like just dills our pickle, Britney. Keep up the good work.