Friday, April 13, 2007

Gwen Stefani: Clang or Not-A-Clang



Before we get into this week's Blank or Not-A-Blank, allow me to clarify that I'm not asking whether or not you think Gwen Stefani has a clang, I'm merely inquiring as to whether or not you think she is a clang. You know, I mean it in the same way you'd call a guy a dick, or a baby an A-Hole. Summer 2K7 is the Summer of Clang, y'all. Let's get it started by finding out if Gwen Stefani is one:

Gwen Stefani is in Harper's Bazaar this month. In said publication she says that she's very vain & that she's been on a diet all her life. I hate Gwen Stefani and her dedication to her vanity. When I try to go on a diet, I convince myself that I've done a good job if I eat 4 pieces of pizza instead of the entire thing. Eff you, Gwen Stefani and your thin & popular frame. Clang

Gwen Stefani had one of the cutest babies ever take a ride on her baby slide. Every time I see pictures of Kingston I punch myself in the face. A clang couldn't have produced such a cute baby. (Side Note: If Gwen Stefani literally does have a Clang, do you think Kingston used it to Tarzan out the vagina?) Not-A-Clang

What the shit is up with those harajuku girls? I appreciate that she's gathered a group of Asian girls to show us that Asian girls should be only looked at, never spoken to, and always accompanied by a far superior white woman, but couldn't she have picked some better looking Asians? I know they exist.

Oh who am I kidding? I wouldn't be able to tell the difference anyway. Don't you remember that all Asians look the same? Clang

But Guh'Damn if this possible Clang doesn't have some sweet jams. Not counting that 'Wind it Up' bullshit, of course. I'm not ashamed to admit that I liked all three songs I heard from her Love Angel Music Baby album. Granted, I was drunk for the majority of 2004. Not-A-Clang

Calling your album & fashion line Love Angel Music Baby is really lame. I would have went with I've bleached my hair so often it should be falling out any day now or the always popular There is no doubt that I make aaa-way more money than any of you sad bastards I used to be in No Doubt with. Clang

But I do respect Gwen Stefani for having her own children instead of adopting them, not doing that much charity work, staying married to the same guy for a while, and spending all her money on looking fabulous. That's the kind of celebrity I'd like to see more of. Not-A-Clang

Well, since we have a tie, I'm gonna leave this one up to y'all. How do you feel about this ho? Hollaback clangs, in the comments!

Hey Bobby, How many people are looking hit in this photo?



Right answer!!! Congratulations Bobby Brown, you've just won a bath! Now please go take it. Here we have Macy Gray, Bobby Brown and the crazy ass bitch who is boning him now at Macy Gray's album release party. Way to dress for the occasion, Macy. And what the hell is wrong with the girl who has decided it would be a good idea to date Bobby Brown? We already know that he ain't got no money. And only a crazy ass bitch would go after Bobby so soon after his split from Whitney. Remember y'all, Whitney is not completely rehabilitated just yet. One slip, and she would be at your door with a butcher knife screaming at you to show her the receipts. Be careful, skull dress lady, that's all we're saying...

Source

Can Someone Please Explain...



What the hell is wrong with Matthew McConaughey?

#1) You took your exercise bike outside? Why not, I don't know...go for an actual bike ride? We all know you have an actual bicycle, muthafucka.

#2) Is that a pen or a cigarette? I think it is a pen, but I wish it was a cigarette. Maybe all that time you're spending perfecting the art of the personal blow job would be better used for smoking or note taking, whichever it is that you trying to do while you are working on your fitness on a machine designed for indoor use.

#3) Freedom rides? Freedom riders? Does it (Do they) ride a stationary bike outdoors? Cut your hair you g.d. hippie.

Anything I missed? Fill me in, in the comments!

If I fwall, will you catch me?



Kate Moss & Pete Doherty celebrate their most recent attempt at an engagement by having the proud wifey-to-be dangle upside down from a window. Pete wanted her life to flash before her eyes so she could say without any hesitation that marrying him would be the biggest mistake of her life. But I don't blame Kate for falling for Doherty. I mean, look at him:



Uhhhh! Down, she-bone, down. What better way to say "I love you" than by doing so much coke & meth that your nose and gaping sores are actually bleeding. Man, they are going to be such a happy couple. I just hope they stop reenacting their lives based on the movie Clueless. Sure, dangling from the window made Tye more popular for a minute, but as that film brilliantly illustrates, those riding high are destined to fall. And judging from how high Kate & Pete both are at any given moment, that fall is gonna be harder than my raging she-bone when looking upon the glorious face of Pete Doherty.

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Britney is trying y'all



Holy Crap! I think rehab may have done some good for Britney! Here we see her trying on some clothes, and using her accessories to shield her hoo-ha! WAY TO GO! I'm a little teary right now, our little girl is growing up so fast! Way to cover up your junk for once Britney! And way to do a test-run of all possible revealing scenarios before you leave the store! The fact that you are doing this in the middle of the store is a bit of a problem, but baby steps y'all - baby steps. There may be some hope for her yet...



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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Reason #2484 Not to Have a Baby

I know she is pregnant and all, but Naomi Watts, normally a decently attractive human being looks damn hit up.

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We've seen Naomi play ugly in I Heart Huckabees (which, she still wasn't really ugly), but who'd a thought a little sperm of Liev's would turn her into this mess.

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What makes Naomi think its okay to ever wear a see-through white shirt/dress with no bra on during any occasion, much less when she is major preggo. I'm sure a bra isn't the most comfortable thing to wear when your boobs are swollen, but maybe Naomi should have thought about that before she let the kosher hotdog all up in her vag.
And, maybe its just me, but does Gwneth Paltrow not look like a giant?? She also had a baby once or twice too.

So anyway, I really hope this whole "having babies" phase thing goes away soon because that just like this just aint right. This on the other hand makes.. well all I can really say is MMMM. Take notes Naomi.

This is a promise



Dear Celebrities,

Keep giving me nothing to write about and I will continue to post pictures of Stephen Tyler in a speedo. No one wants that. Not even you, famous celebrities. So get to doing something dramatic and scandalous. I have a picture of the head of his penis poking out of the speedo and I'm not afraid to use it. You have been warned.

Love always,

Girl #1

Celebrities are lame these days, no? Are you feeling that way too? Or am I just a fool?

Jude Law: Jizz or Vom?



Jude Law, what the hell is on your shirt? Were you just the recipient of a pearl necklace or did you just vomit all over yourself? I just don't know. Fill me in, in the comments! And while we're at it, why not throw this picture in for good measure:



Why on earth would Jessica Simpson be trying to kill her baby slide with such a forceful display of camel toe? I still don't understand how ladies can just walk around with all that up in their vag. Ouch. Nice shirt though, I'm gonna have to go buy that for my Latino Takeover (see below).

Source, Source

Marc Anthony hates Uncle Sam



Oh pobrecito Marc Anthony. First, your wifey was on American Idol this week, which I'm sure you did not approve of. Then, you and J. Lo both fought off rumours that there was trouble on the marriage-front:

"Marc is very machismo," the mag quotes a source as saying. "Marc won't let her even do a photo shoot by herself. He is always there watching, waiting. At a Golden Globes party, "Marc [dragged] Jennifer away after spotting her dancing with another man. … He has also insisted that Jennifer sell her beloved Miami home and the Los Angeles house where they wed."


With all that "watching" and "waiting" for your wife to slip up and finally give you a reason to beat her, I'm sure filing your taxes for the past FIVE YEARS just slipped your mind! That's right, y'all...Marc Anthony hates America more than we originally thought. According to People Magazine:

"Marc Anthony has agreed to pay $2.5 million in back taxes and penalties after failing to file returns for five years, New York prosecutors said Wednesday...Anthony didn't file returns for 2000 through 2004 on $15.5 million in income, according to AP."


Wait...Marc Anthony made $15.5 Million Dollars from 2000-2004????? Doing what, exactly? I know he's popular with los latinos, but Jesu Christo! I never realized that you could trick los latinos into giving you a cool $15 Million simply by resembling Skeletor, lurking in the shadows & terrorizing your wife! Oh yeah, and by releasing two poorly received albums. I can do all of that, and if I make a mexi friend, perhaps I can do it in espanol (imagine a squiggly thing over the n, por favor)! I'm coming after your millions, Marc Anthony! And 'Merica, I sure do promise not to keep any of my millions in offshore bank accounts and not to deny its existence when the government comes collecting.

Is this really necessary?



Congratulations Debra Messing! You are doing something so ridiculous you get to be on the blog today! Honey, when you are shopping for jewelry on the street, is it really necessary for you to check yourself out with the dollar store hand mirror the peddlers provide for you? That necklace probably costs about $2, and if you haven't blown all your Will & Grace moneys on coke yet, chances are pretty good that you can afford it and don't really need to see if it looks good on you. Just buy it, ho! I, on the other hand, am allowed to not only use the mirror, but also to run away with the mirror & the necklace because I am poor. You are rich and should use the brains that you've purchaced to know better. Haven't you learned anything from being on that dumbass show? The stereotypical gay man certainly would not approve of this behavior.

Rihanna used to be classy



Guess what! You know that shy, timid, conservative Rihanna you once knew? This one:



She's gone. Bye-Bye Classy Rihanna, there's a new Slutty Rihanna in town! Promoting her new album, Good Girl Gone Bad, Rihanna was all:

"I have broken out of my shell, I have come into my own.

I am singing about a lot more serious things, a lot sexier things at times.

I have changed my image, the whole sound is about me not being the little innocent Rihanna and taking more risks."


That's right!!! I hope you all enjoyed this:



AND THIS:



Because Rihanna is not that innocent anymore. Welcome, Black Barbadish Britney! Expect to see her flashing her vagina, having & neglecting children, and shaving her head very soon. I can't wait to see how your new nasty side differs from your old classy side, Rihanna, and to see if your vagina is as bald as that GINORMOUS forehead of yours.

Source

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Lyrics to Justin and Madonna's new song.

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All my people in the crowd
Grab a partner take it down!

[J:] It's me against the vag
[M:] Uh uh
[J:] It's just me
[M:] And me
[J:] Yeah
[M:] C'mon
[M:] Hey Justin?
[J:] Are you ready?
[M:] Uh uh, are you?

[J&M:] No one cares
[J:] It's whippin'my balls, it's pullin' my cock
[J&M:] To hell with stares
[J:] The sweat is drippin' all over my taint
[J&M:] No one's there
[J:] I'm the only one dancin' up in this place
[J&M:] Tonight I'm here
[J:] Feel the beat of the drum, gotta keep it that bass
[J:] I'm up against the speaker, tryin' to take on the music
[J:] It's like a competition, me against the beat
[J:] I wanna get u on my bone, I wanna get u on my bone
[J:] If you really wanna battle, saddle up and get your rhythm
[J:] Tryin' to hit it, you could die
[J:] In a minute I'm a take a you on, I'm a take a you on
Hey, hey, hey

Are ya'll ready for the anthem of the for the fall? Madonna, Justin, and Timbaland are in London making this sure fire hit. Let's just hope Justin's career won't go the way of Britneys.

Celebrity Art: Series 1: Volume 1: Celebrity Children

Hey folks! I'd like to introduce a new series we are testing out. Its called Celebrity Art. I have had years of Le Art training, mastering the skills of 'paint' and feel the need to share these talents with you all!

Our first series will feature celebrity children making news! If you would like to request a series of Celebrity Art, email us some idears or leave them in the comments! I hope you enjoy!





The Cheerleader from Heroes is a Lesbian



Nice Try, NBC - but I already planned on watching Heroes when it returns on April 23. Leaking pictures of your precious Hayden Panettiere licking her friends ta-tas is a smart move though, as I'm sure the lesbots & horny frat dudes will now be interested in the show. It clearly looks like the friend is enjoying this more than Hayden, but I'm sure Hayden liked it too, she just needed a little more time. That's how the lesbians get ya. "Just have a little suckle, Hayden. It never hurt nobody!", then before you know it you're tied to a bed and...oh wait, that's never happened to you? Moral of the story is: Never trust a lesbian. But if this lesbian cheerleader has got you all fired up for the new episodes of Heroes, you can go here and watch the first 2 minutes of the first new episode! Just remember, A lesbian didn't give you that - Girl #1 did.


Source

Have you seen Leftie?



Folks, we have an emergency on our hands. It appears that Tara Reid either gave her left boob (delightfully named "Leftie") the day off, or she has gone missing. Usually Tara keeps her boobs under extremely tight supervision, as they are for some ungodly reason still her only claim to fame. But it appears that Leftie has gotten the idea that she can make it on her own, and has left the comfort of Tara Reid's booze-filled bosom. Perhaps it was the loving glow of the flashbulbs at this little incident that gave Leftie the inflated ego which led to this recent ugly turn of events. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding her leaving, we just want her to return - no questions asked. Have you seen Leftie?



Leftie has been known to enjoy being injected with silicone, being injected with drugs, and being injected with a penis along side her friend Rightie. If you see Leftie walking down the street, don't approach the lone shivering boobie. Simply take out your camera and pretend to take a picture of her. She will turn and smile at you with her one boob eye and then you can scoop her up and return her to her rightful owner. Hurry home, Leftie, and godspeed!

Obligatory SanGina News



Yo, who told The Gina that smirking at me with his dirtstache was a good idea. BECAUSE IT WAS! Nothing says "Now I'm a Mexi sangin in Spanish" like a good old fashioned dirtstache. I'm really just posting this because I think that some of you might either like it, hate it, or want to comment on how he gave you a bone/she-bone. Feel free to discuss in the comments it you want. I suddenly have a craving for a taco, and for once it's not of the fish variety.

Who would you rather pull a train with?



Man, what I wouldn't give to pull a train with these two. Does a higher level of hotness even exist? I can't imagine anything more fulfilling in life than merely gazing at these two insanely beautiful people. Sweet Jesus, is she wearing press on nails? This is one of those photos that I just stare at for about 10 minutes, shaking my head and wondering what exactly it is that I'm looking at...Must...Change...Gears...Quickly...



Now here is a couple that I would really like to bone with. Well, I actually would like to just bone Jake, but if Reese is there & wants to pee on me, I guess I could hang with that. Word on the street is that these two are sharing more than just an affection for protective headgear, they is sharing their privates. Congrats you two, clearly an upgrade on both fronts. Reese was married to a pube-headed gay santa, and I think we all are aware of how I feel about Jake's ex, Duncey McDuncerton, so it wasn't that difficult for either of them to find someone that could be considered an upgrade. A friggin diseased kitten would have been a better move than their last choice in significant other. I hope this works out for them, and to do my part to make sure that it does, here's a jam that will bless your relationship with many days of incredible boning:

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

That Shman sure is ironic!



Check out this video where Chloe Sevigny gives her tips and pointers on the dos and donts of fashion.

Ironically, Chloe discusses wearing high-rised jeans because of her(his) "pouch" and how it always sticks (pokes) out. Call me crazy, but I think what she is really referring to is her "penis". Because, lets face it, she is a man. And while she thinks she is fooling everyone with her high-rised, "pouch protecting" jeans, we here at TGG know she's just trying to keep her wang from being formerly exposed. And I personally thank her(him) for that.

Maybe the pants were too tight on her nuts causing her to think unclearly all the time too, because call me crazy again, but does anyone really want to take any advice from someone who has been seen like this

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ugh.. or this...

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or God, this...

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Notice all of these items of clothes are also penis covering.

How this man can play so many roles as a woman I do not know, but I guess thats why she(he) acts!!
Also, when it comes to Chloe's fashion, I'd say 'don't' every time.

Source

Guess Who?

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If you thought it was Rupert Everett then you are the most smartest in the world!

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Larry Birkhead IS/IS NOT the father!

In a few short moments, the world will know once and for all who the father of Anna Nicole's baby is...perhaps. It may be one of the dudes tested, but it could also possibly be some random homeless guy she met walking home from Taco Bell at 3am one stoned night. Either way, while TMZ keeps us at bay with a picture of a door and some microphones:



I'd like to offer a couple videos to Larry Birkhead in the event that he is/is not the father of the baby.

If Larry Birkhead IS NOT the father, cheer-up Charlie! Take a lesson from this guy! Not having a baby is the best thing that could ever happen to you:



If Larry Birkhead IS the father - CONGRATS! (I guess) - You know what that means...IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!



EDIT: Well, looks like he's the father. Whoopity-Doo. I guess it really is PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME for you, Birkhead. Now I hope to never hear from or see you again. In fact, I have conitioned myself to only hear the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song anytime Anna Nicole is mentioned. If you value your sanity, I highly suggest you do the same.

A Sign of True Love



Don't trust your boyfriend because you feel guilty about leaving your husband for him? Do what the Swank does: force him to wear a shirt with your face & body on it. Nothing says "Back the fuck off, ladies - this one is spoken for" than dressing him in a shirt that has your naked body sprawled on the front. The back of this shirt says "Save your Ass" (not a joke - it's a melanoma fundraising t-shirt, designed by Marc Jacobs), but I think the message here is that you can save your ass by not hitting on Hilary Swank's agent boyfriend. Whatever, Hilary Swank, I'm not scared of you or your clang. Just because you played a boxer in the movies doesn't mean that you are tough. However, because you played a lady/dude in the movies does mean that you actually are a lady/dude. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

Cameron Diaz has a Clang



Clang: noun [KLA-ng] A part of the female anatomy. A rare condition in which a woman's clitoris is so long, it mildly resembles a Wang. Fergie & Chyna Doll are known to have Clangs.

Well, I guess we can add Cameron Diaz to that list, because I'm definitely seeing a clang bulge in this photo. I'm so glad Summer is right around the corner! Think of all the celebrities with clangs we will expose! It's too bad all that working out can't shrink your clang back up to normal size, Cameron. If you'd like to see more of Cameron in that same bikini you saw her in last week, go here, but just remember, there's a big ol' dangly clang under those bikini bottoms.

Thanks Jambone

Guess Who?

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Normally a dashing gentleman, who's this sexxy mama doing his best to channel the Queen Mum?

She-Boning the Sharpton



Damn, Sharpton - Have you been working out? If you aren't looking ever so thin & popular these days! I'm not sure if it's conviction you possess while calling for Don Imus' job, or if it's just your striking good looks, but I'd let you take me to the Mosque any day. Guh'Damn! I was:



Partially about Don Imus' racist comments, but mostly because there has been a severe lack of celebrity gossip around these parts the last couple weeks, and that tends to make me a bit enraged, but then the good old Revvy appears on the Today show lookin' all sexy and I know that everything's going to be A-OK. Thanks Sharpie, I owe you one. And by "one" I mean a blow job. Look me up.

Something you should be watching



We interrupt our regularly scheduled meanery to tell you about a funny show that is on VH1. It is called acceptable TV and the concept is illustrated in video form above, but basically people make funny sketches and then you get to vote for which ones you like the best. Holy Fun! I am lazy, so I missed the voting this week, but I would have voted for Pedophile Gladiators, and this sketch - Shady Acres. I find acceptable tv to be an acceptable form of entertainment that, combined with opiates, reasonably distracts me from the overwhelming misery that is my life. Enjoy, if you can.

Scarlett Johansson is Easy

As you can see, it takes a bit of work for Scarlett Johansson to go from this:



To this:



Being crowned "The World's Most Ridiculously Attractive Female, Seriously Dudes & Ladies - This Bitch is HOTTT!" over and over again is not an easy job, and I would assume that remaining so brutally hot is very time consuming and leaves little room for doing much else. Perhaps that is why Scarlett Johansson cannot find a man of her own, and has to chase the men that Jessica Biel has left in her ass-wake. First, Scar was linked to Justin Timberlake soon after The Ass had her way with him and then tossed him aside like a Buns of Steel tape that she obviously no longer has any use for. Now, Scar is linked to Ryan Reynolds, who has most-likely already tapped The Ass' ass. Damn girl, I thought you were supposed to be hot or something. Why can't you get a dude all on your own? Perhaps when these dudes wake up after a night of boning you and find you doing this in their sink they are a bit turned off:



NO? You dudes still like that? Sure you're almost getting a peek of her baby slide, but she's shaving her legs in the sink! That shit is sick! Okay, well maybe the problem lies in the fact that one of Scarlett's first movies was that Horse Whisperer movie, and we all know how strange horse-girls are:



That must be it. But you dudes should be really excited about this news, as it means that the odds that you could bone Scarlett are in your favor. Bitch is unwarrantedly insecure and likes horsies. Buy her a Cosmo, and you should be good to go. Save your roofies for Jessica Biel, that one might take a bit more effort.

Monday, April 9, 2007

How I spent Easter



Did you know that Girl #2 and I are besties with Kate Moss? We is! There I am on the left, and Girl #2 is on the right. Sometimes Kate asks us to go out with her so she can feel better about herself, and she sure needed a pick me up after we posted this unflattering photo of our BFF. Initially after Kate saw what we had posted about her, she called us fatty fat fats and said we were cut off from her constant supply of narcotics. Girls are bitches y'all. But then we made up and decided to get really high, dress our best, and then go out with our emaciated little model friend. So here we are, twirling around London on Easter. Don't we look great!?!? Don't you now feel shitty about yourself after seeing our pound-for-pound good looks? Tell us how unbelievably attractive you find us, in the comments!

Britney Spears/Luke Walton Sex Tape!!!





Ha ha ha! No, not actually.

Hi. I'm Zenitram. You might remember me from such blogs as the Silver Bullet, and other trivial publications. I've been asked to come over from the Bullet and comment on the recent Luke Walton/Britney Spears rumors. I'd like to start off by thanking Two Girls and a Gay, and also say I love what you've done with the place! (The drapes are to die for!)

But could you imagine the tape? Especially if it was narrated by Luke's dad, Bill?


Age of romanticism, indeed.
(vagina)
Could Britney find a new crop of possible beaus within the very ranks of sports greatest gentlemen? Wouldn't that be great if Britney started to make her way through the NBA?
Apparently she showed up wearing the number 24 to "throw everybody off", but apparently there's no way America's former sweetheart would be dating a black man. (Yes, I know he's married, but this is Kobe. Kobe.) So the rumor is that it's our man Walton. Smooth, suave, bon vivant, etc.
(vagina)
I could see it. Britney's looking for someone not to judge her, or the current status of her lady-business. I think Opie would fit that bill. Having your dad standing over your shoulder and crushing your spirit ("You'll never be as dominant as me with the Lakers! I killed my opponents and drank blood from their hearts!"-actual quote, Bill Walton) would make you pretty timid in dating. I'm sure Britney would love to push around somebody that wasn't so lippy.
(vagina)
Do you think if this blossoms into something more, Phil Jackson will force Britney into learning the triangle offense?

Did I just give a shout out to this blog? Yes. Yes, I did.

This post has been brought to you by the Silver Bullet. (If I didn't reference it twice, Tiny would have sat on me. And yes, his name is ironic.)

Just Stay Indoors!

For the love of God, can someone please explain to me why the family of Britney Spears wont just keep her locked up inside her home?? Every time she leaves her home she embarrasses her family and herself. I'm also wondering if she has fired her stylist (or if she has ever had one to begin with). I know there are a lot of clothes out there that are quite hideous, but somehow, Britney manages to find and wear them ALL.

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Chief Britney does have an excuse with this one. She is giving up on her dream of pretending to sing again and has been cast to play the Indian, in the remake of "The Indian in the Cupboard"

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Whaaat? That's not true? She just wears really ugly clothes?? Oh.

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Don't be sad Britney, there is still some white trash out there that would still bone you... and all you have to do is lift up your shirt/dress/Indian robe thingy. Talk about style and conveniency.

Too High To Care.

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After spending $50k on her sick boyfriend to attend the premier of Spidey 3: Attack of the Arachnidsand then being dumped. Fugly Dunst has taken up the mota to suppress her suicidal thoughts.

"I drink moderately, I've tried drugs. I do like weed. I have a different outlook on marijuana than America does...I think America's view on weed is ridiculous. I mean - are you kidding me? If everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place."


I think its time for her to put down the bong and get back to caring. Or just die so we don't have to watch anymore of her amazing acting skillz.