Friday, April 6, 2007

I am so tired.

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Since when did Eminem decide to grow his hair out, wear makeup and start to hang out with some dude that looks like a Fat Leonardo Dicaprio with long hair?

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At least he is still keeping it real with his thuggish clothes and gangsta ways. He must have just replaced the black dude for this white guy.
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Go on with your bad self, Marshall!

Guess what, dicks!

I get to go home early today! I love my job! That means I'm going to take an early break from the blogging - the blank or not-a-blank wiped me out today anyway, and I'm still struggling with the fact that I could write so much about some ho that I supposedly don't give a crap about. Curse you, Lohan! I hope all y'all have a great weekend! I will leave you with a video of two otters holding hands. If that's not cute enough for you - head over to Best Week Ever for a ridiculously cute video of some kittens playing with string. See you Monday! And oh yeah, THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING THE BLOG! We love you guys. Even Girl #2 loves you and she fucking hates everything. Bye!

Lindsay Lohan: Ho or Not-A-Ho

It's Friday! It's good! It's time for everybody's favorite feature blank or not-a-blank! Today, we speak of La Lohan. Now before you go screaming about how we should burn that HO, let's think about this one. We're not just crazy a-holes who like to call people names! Okay, we kind of are. But let's delve a bit deeper, shall we:

Alright. Lindsay Lohan pretty much always looks like a straight up HO. Take the picture above, for example. She's not even trying to hide the goods. What's the point though? We've seen it all so many times why even bother dressing anymore? What a G.D. HO

Lindsay Lohan is a perfect example of "When Fame happens to Good People". Other celebrities that are also plagued with this problem include: Halle Berry, Justin Timberlake, and the late Mother Teresa. If these people would have just stayed "regular" they probably would be normal, moderately well-adjusted, everyday citizens. But they caught the fame-bug (especially that ho-bag Mother Teresa) and then they went bad. I'm not excusing their behavior or saying that being famous is an excuse for being a dick, but it can definitely change a ho. Not-A-Ho???

Lindsay Lohan may be genetically predisposed to whoredom because she has a whore for a mother. She is also predisposed to crazy thanks to her nutjob father. Since she came from 2 completely insane douchebags, the girl can't help it if she needs love and finds said love by ho-ing around. Hey that reminds me of a sweet jam that I love. Damn, I don't know if it's the Journey or the sugar high from all the Peeps I've inhaled, but I am feeling mighty generous right now. Not-A-Ho

Wait, what am I saying? If I've learned anything from Lindsay Lohan it is that I must be adequite at all times. Well, how fucking adequite am I being if I just give Lindsay a pass because her parents are crazy and she's famous? Not very adequite at all, I'd say. I don't care if your mommy & daddy want to use you for your fame, or if you have no privacy, or if you used to be so coked up you thought sending out crazy emails to everyone you knew was a good idea. I don't get to run around showing my hoo-ha to the world just because daddy used to lock me in the basement, and when I was let out mommy made me give handjobs to the gas station attendant for free cigarettes. You must be adequitely held accountable for the crazed shit that you do. HO.

Stop telling everyone you are clean & sober, and stop pretending that those water bottles are filled with water and not vodka. Did you forget that people take pictures of you everywhere you go? We know that you are drunk. We don't care that you are drunk. We're glad you are drunk. If I were you, you better believe I'd be drunk 24/7. It's called self-control, and everyone's got a little bit of it. If you don't, you should pick some better friends who will look after your ass when you get all sloppy. HO.

If there is one thing that Lindsay honestly cannot help, it is being a firecrotch. You can't fault the girl for having red pubes. And I definitely hate Brandon Davis more than I hate Lindsay Lohan. Not-A-Ho

Lindsay Lohan thinks that hitting shuffle on her itunes makes her a DJ. When she's not pretending to DJ via computer, she's pretending to DJ with that DJ Aoki douche from one of those fucking websites that I hate. I can feel the rage starting to overwhelm the peep sugar high. I'd better stop. HO.

When all is said and done, I say that Lindsay Lohan is a HO, but it's not too late for her to come back to being Not-A-Ho. Maybe she needs to get back to working with Disney. She also needs to realize that her life shouldn't still be like high school and she should divorce herself from her mom (why did kids stop doing that?). Only then, will this firecrotch regain the prestigious title of Not-A-Ho. Chime in and tell us how you really feel, in the comments! Just remember to keep this shit adequite, y'all.

Teaching the Dunce

How could one be so puzzled, so perplexed about a basket? It's easy to get confused about things when you are Kirsten Dunst. It's with delicate creatures like this that you have to be extra careful. One false move and you could rock their crazy little world so hard that it would crumble like a delicious cookie. Mmmm...cookie. No! Don't get distracted! This is bigger than us & more important than a cookie. We must quietly and gently explain to Kirsten that the oval thingy with a strap on it isn't a hat or a device used to shield the money shots from your face (although, I have used baskets for both of those things, and they really do work wonders. Unfortunately, Kirsten isn't ready for lessons that deep just yet). Okay. Are you ready? We're about to rock her gently and rock her slowly.

Pssst. Hey Kirsten! I just wanted to let you know that the thing that you are holding is simply a basket. You can put Easter Eggs n' shit in there.

Oh NO! We've rocked her world. WE'VE ROCKED HER WORLD!!!!! Run away before she self destructs!!!

Workin on her Hotness

Damn Fergie, you're looking good. Pay no attention to those people in the background. You know, the ones that work out in normal work out clothes. Those people are fat dick-holes. They clearly don't care about working on their fitness like you do. That's why they'll always be fatties while you'll always be thin, popular, and well hydrated thanks to the two canisters of bug juice strapped to your waist. Just so you know, when you see Fergie run by you she wants you to punch her in the stomach. Jesus did that!

Thursday, April 5, 2007

You really should have quit after Godfather II

Diane Keaton: What are you trying to say? I'm a washed up has-been who should stop making movies??

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Everyone Else: YES.

Diane Keaton: They're right! I am old and dried out. Random Girl on Street, if you pretend to be my friend I will make a horrible romantic comedy with you and Walter Matheau's corpse, it will be so hip! Like me!

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The artist formerly known as a phallic symbol...

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That is soft...imagine it....haha well you know.

Happy Easter ya'll!

Show me Fierce, Kate:

Oh my...That's your fierce? I would say that is more lovely than fierce.

Kanye wants to bone or go to church

Kanye West, I don't understand you. I really don't. Does anyone care to explain what Kanye means when he says this in regards to Sienna Miller:

"That's a white girl I would take to the mosque."

I'm not ashamed to say that I have no idea what the hell that means. I've heard of taking it to da house, but I've never heard of taking it to the Mosque. Is this some kind of slang for boning that I don't know about? Are black people holding out on me?? Or does he literally want to go to the Mosque with her? I don't think she'd fit in there, and I also don't think she wants to go with you, as she's been "going to the mosque" with Puffy for a while now. But who knows, as the age old saying goes: Once you go to the Mosque, you never go back. Why are we all pretending that we know what the hell Kanye is talking about? We all know that he's more concerned with accessorizing than stringing together a logical sentence anyway. And I don't think anyone would mind if Kanye just came out and said "Sienna Miller, I would like to fuck you. When you are done boning Puffy, please look me up." Next time, tell us how you really feel, Kanye.


Are you bored today?

Does your work allow you to watch videos? Would you rather remember the good old days of Michael Jackson than try to cope with the reality of this? Well, you are in luck! This blog has posted a 3-part video feature on the King of Pop. They have listed every music video ever made by the pop star & also included a short analysis on each. Dang. Go watch it, but don't forget to come back here. Here's a live version of 'Man in the Mirror'. My favorite part of this performance is towards the end when the backup singer walks over to Micheal, who is writhing on the floor. He helps him up, and Michael proceeds to twirl and jump and fall on the floor again. He don't need your help, backup singer! Know your place! And for the love of god, can someone turn his microphone back on? Did you hear the breakdown yet? I didn't either, it means the song is not done. Jesus...Make that change, y'all.

Was the ride really worth the fall?

We had a lot of good times together, me & Whitney'n'Bobby. I'm not sure if I'd be the same well adjusted person that I am today if it weren't for the beauty of Being Bobby Brown. But, all good things must come to an end, and the end is near for Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown as their divorce will be finalized on April 24. A teary Whitney talked about how unreliable Bobby Brown is when it comes to the children (but fails to mention how incredibly reliable he is when it comes to the drugs):

At times dabbing her eyes with a tissue during the court session, Houston testified that she did not require spousal or child support and that Bobbi Kristina could not depend on her father.

"He's unreliable," Houston said of Brown, according to the Associated Press. "If he says he's going to come, sometimes he does. Usually he doesn't."

Good work, Whitney. With comebacks from both Britney Spears (who is reportedly dating Howie Day if you care. I know I sure as shit didn't) and Whitney Houston on the horizon, it's hard to say which one I'm more excited for. No it's not. I'm way more excited to hear from Whitney again. She had it all, smoked it all, lost it all, and now almost has it all again. We're rooting for you Whitney!

What can Brown do for you?

If you missed last night's episode of America's Next Top Model, you missed Jael getting pushed into a pool, Nicole Richie stirring the drama, and Tyra being a racist. The girls had to make up nicknames for themselves, and my favorite to win Dionne chose "Wholahay" as her name. A questionable choice perhaps, but whatever - the whole concept was pretty stupid to begin with, so why not make up a ridiculous name? Well, Tyra didn't like that name so much, so she changed it to Brown. Brown? WTF? Why not just go with Blackie or Darkie? Tyra, I wish you weren't such a racist. Some other favorite moments from the worst photoshoot ever (how can you go from something as great as dressing like dudes to this?) are as follows:

Since when is twirling your rat-tail sexy? Oh I forgot, ALWAYS.

I'm glad Jaslene has decided to finally come out. We all knew, bitch!

Do you see sorrow? I see an Advil ad.

For the entire photoshoot, go here. Now I have to get back to mentally willing my rat-tail to grow faster.

Guess who?!?!??!

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Make Your guesses....and find out later today :)

It stings just a lil bit...

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Apparently LA is out of coke, so Lohan has moved on to the next best thing...pixie sticks!

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Letters to a Car.

Dear Futuristic Looking Car in the Background,

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We are in a state of emergency. Please accelerate forward at a speed which will do serious damage to the not-so-jolly-green giant HO HO HO that appears in front of you before her (his) eyesore presence results in destroying everyone's retnas. Please hurry! I think the detruction has already begun because "Chloe" is starting to look a whole lot jollier and she's (he's) starting to get her (his) color back...

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Girl afraid of the Schman Green Beast.

Nobody likes Kirsten.

Rough week for the "Dunce". Apparently everyone agrees with what we here at tgg think about Kirsten. Basically she sucks. And she's gross too. Along with our weekly doses of Kirsten knocking, both Toby Maguire and Fabrizo Moretti gave the "Dunce" every reason to just lock herself up forever, never to show her pastey white face to the public again.
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Before quickly moving on to her next victim, Johnny Borrell, it was reported that Kirsten broke things off with Moretti because he refused to sleep with her bitch ass. Moretti claimed it had to do with not being over ex Drew Barrymore, but all of us know its because Kirsten is the most annoying creature ever to roam the earth and to bone her would require many hours of having to endure this. Ugh. Its no wonder Toby Maguire revealed that he hated kissing Kirsten, specifically while filming the Spiderman movies together. According to Toby, Kirsten sucked out the air from him completely, kind of like how she does to the rest of the world every time she speaks or does anything for that matter.
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Yep, Kirsten, I'm talking to you when I say we all hate you and for the record, I wouldn't bone you either.

I can see clearly now the clothes are off...

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Seriously, what does Jessie Simpson see in this pasty ass white dude who I guess you could say is kinda cool, well now i know, a personality + a hot bod could have something to do with it. Now I believe the rumblings about Jessica Simpson and her chanteur singer annoying songwriter boyfriend. A fan staying at the same hotel as Jessie and John says she can be heard all through the night moaning. She couldn't believe how loud Jessica was. So now we know why he likes her, she's a good place to put his tool in at night.

Uma Thurman has GINORMOUS boobs

I picked this picture of Uma & her boobs because it was the most unflattering and therefore makes me feel loads better about myself. I am insanely jealous of her tremendous rack. If I only had 1/4 of the boobs she possesses, I would be a much happier woman. I, like all women, measure my happiness based on my boob size. And since my boobs stopped growing when I was 8 - It's safe to say that I'm a pretty miserable person, made even more miserable when people like Uma Thurman are out and about in the Carribean, flaunting their tits around. I hope you and your boobs, and your wealth, and your fame are HAPPY, Uma! I'll be just fine. You know why? Because I have something Uma will never have. A celebrity gossip blog. And neither you or your huge boobies can take that away from me.

More of Uma and her "Come on can't be serious" boobs here.

Hugs from Halle aren't that great

I know we already covered this, but I found another picture of Halle Berry receiving the highest achievement a celebrity can buy hope for: A star on the Hollywood walk of fame. She decided to celebrate by giving the honorary mayor of Hollywood a great big ol' hug. Judging from his face, he is not too happy about her touching him. He looks confused and frightened, but I bet he's still got a huge old man boner! Now you're going to be thinking of old man peen all day long. Thanks again for reading our blog!

Can Someone Please Explain...

...How this is not child abuse? Michael Jackson celebrates daughter Paris' 9th birthday by taking her to FAO Schwarz. Too bad she won't be able to see the actual birthday celebration, the toys, or anything for that matter since her head is wrapped in a black cloth. For some reason, I constantly find myself defending Michael Jackson, but this shit needs to stop. Pronto. I wonder what he tells her to make her comfortable with this madness.

MJ: Paris, come here sweet twinkleberry. I'm gonna put this dark, scary bag over your head so the bad people won't hurt you.

Paris: Why don't you have a bag on your head?

MJ: Paris, we've been over this. I'm made of magic. Magic you will never possess. Now put this bag over your head.

Paris: But I just want to play like all the other kids.

MJ: Playing will get your raped. Do you want to get raped? I mean, more so than you already are, by me.

Paris: No...

MJ: That's a good snuggle-muffin. NOW GET IN THE FUCKING BAG!!!

Someone needs to save that child. From the raping and from the bag. Do you have an alternate explanation for Michael's friggin insanity? By all means, enlighten me in the comments. If you'd like to see more of this poor child being blindly led to a party that she will not enjoy, go here.

David Lynch Swears

I love David Lynch. However, I also love

Product Placement.

You see, I tend to forget what the best coffee in the world is. That's why I'm glad that celebrities cart their starbucks cups around and go to starbucks in the movies. Sometimes I forget which pizza I find to be the most delicious, and then I watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze and remember that if Pizza Hut pizza is good enough for a turtle, than it certainly is good enough for me. But I think I love celebrities swearing more than I love product placement, but not more than I love pizza. Dang, now I'm all confused. WHY ISN'T THERE A PRODUCT THAT CURES THE CURSERY OF CONFUSION?

Ah, I feel much better. Play-Doh is fun and not confusing at all. See, where would we be without product placement? We'd be just one big ball of confusion, that's where we'd be. So maybe you should put some Taco Bell burritos in your next movie instead of some crazy ass giant bunnies, David Lynch. If nothing else, it would certainly make your movie more delicious.


Honey 2: The Reckoning

Do you know who that is? Not Jessica Alba, but the dude that is with her. I didn't either, but Star Tracks is telling me that he is none other than Bille Woodruff, the director of the phenomenal cinematic masterpiece Honey. Holy Crap! Seeing them together has reminded me that I've been slacking on my nightly prayers to The Jesus asking for a sequel to this brilliant film. If you have not seen Honey, m'friend you have not LIVED. Check out the triumphant end scene below. If it does not warm your heart, it might be due to the fact that you have no idea why these children are dancing because you have not seen the movie. Put that shit on your Netflix queue right now. You can thank me later.

Elizabeth Hurley's child is truly terrifying

Since starting this blog, the only nightmares I have involve Elizabeth Hurley's always frightening child, Damian. He is like a demonic man in a child's body. Kind of like Chucky only Charles Lee Ray has used his voodoo magic to place himself into Liz Hurley's kid instead of a Good Guy Doll. Sometimes I just see his face in my dreams. Staring at me. Other times he is chasing me with a lollipop, only the lollipop is made out of razor blades. Either way, I would not like to meet this child in a dark alley. I also would like to say that he is a beautiful, smart and charming human being and I wish him nothing but the best in life. Please don't kill me, Damian.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Diaz up one on Dunst.

Seriously, are Cameron Diaz and Kirsten "Dunce" competing for who can look the most retarded in a bathing suit?
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Yes, Cameron, sand is fun!!!! WEEEEE!!!!!!
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Halle Berry: Walk of Fame Star or Porn Star?

It has finally happened. Halle Berry was given a star on the Walk of Fame.

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While some of our friends seem to think she earned her mark on the grand walk via her performance in catwoman, we here at tgg know Halle wouldn't be going on with her bad self were it not for her acting (???) in Monster's Ball. Oh yeah, it's also because she boned Billy Bob Thornton and people got to see her naked. After revealing her new star, Halle showed off some of her planning techniques which she used to prepare for her acting cough boning cough on screen.

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I think you'll agree we got it right.

They Shor Is Purdy!

Hmmmm...Is that Melissa Joan Hart? The one on the right? If I was a dude or a lesbian, I'm pretty sure I would have a bone/she-bone right now, as Hayley Duff and (what could possibly be) Melissa Joan Hart (I'm not sure) surely possess a beauty gene that is usually reserved for goddesses, princesses & ponies.


Kingston saved from fiery damnation

Baby Kingston was baptized on Sunday. How difficult do you think it is for Gwen Stefani to find something in her closet that is "baptisim appropriate"? By the looks of her outfit, I would say very. It looks like she just tore down the curtains in her house and wrapped them around her. This entire family looks jacked. From Gavin's hair & thumb ring to Kingston's dress, the whole Rossdalani clan really disappointed the lord, I'm sure. I don't know very much anything about religious things, but don't you think it's a bit unfair to dress your baby like a lady for their baptism? It's like you're taunting Jesus by "saving" your baby from the lava filled hell, but also damning him by pushing him off the gay cliff. You do know that babies are very impressionable right? So if your baby is in a dress, even just once as a joke, he will be gay. Gays aren't born with it, their parents chose to make them gay. So come on out, all you closeted homos. Your parents will only pretend to be angry. It's like a more fucked up version of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. I'm going to prepare the Kingston coming out party in 2020. Damn you Gwen, we were all ready for him to date Shiloh when they got big, now he's going to be blowing Kate Hudson's boy/girl child in a bathroom somewhere in about 20 years.

Mel B slid the baby out!

After a long and ugly pregnancy, Scary Spice has finally had her baby! Funny that Mel B had her baby today, April 3, as her baby shares the same birthday with her alleged daddy, Eddie Murphy! Most fathers would think this is the greatest birthday gift ever, but I'm sure this only enrages Eddie Murphy further. And an enraged Eddie Murphy is not someone I would want to mess with. Sure it's all jokes and funny voices now, but he's got a rage about him. Have you seen Vampire in Brooklyn? Me neither. But I've seen this promotional image and it scares me:

Right now, the baby does not have a name, and is known only as "Baby Brown", and that is because Mel B's last name is Brown, and not because she found it to be a cute name for her black child. I like the name Baby Brown and I hope she keeps it. We'll keep you posted on this, as well as the date that Mel & Eddie will be on Maury to determine the paternity of the child as the saga continues to develop.


Lindsay Lohan is sober!

This is what clean & sober looks like, people. Lindsay Lohan soberly pops dat ass at DJ AM's birthday party at club LAX Sunday night. I have two questions for y'all. First, what jam do you think Lindsay was dancing to? My guess is maybe this:

But probably this:

While you are figuring that one out, here is my second question. Why does this guy:

Have the best haircut I've ever seen WHILE simultaneously voicing the concern of the world with a single frown? I'm sure all of us frowned a little upon seeing crazy Lohan dancing on the table again, but this guy says it all by saying nothing at all. We're sad too, sassy blonde bowl-cut guy. We're sad too.

Too see more pictures of Lohan at the birthday, go here.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Another reason to hate Alanis

Let's play a game. Who can watch this video the longest? I only made it about :10 and I dare you to make it further. What is this video? It's Alanis Morissette. Oh, that alone doesn't sound painful enough? It's Alanis Morissette covering "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas AND she thinks it's funny! It's not funny. Not even a little.


Another reason to love Snoop

While I'm searching through countless celebrity gossip blogs, I don't usually watch every video I see. This video, however, is worth watching. Ever wonder what Snoop Dogg thinks of Bill O'Reilly? I'm just guessing here, but chances are pretty good that you and Snoop share the same opinon of that douche. But it is fun watching Snoop talk about it. Now go put a shower cap on you muthafuckin gangsta. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that there are swears in this video, so it is possibly NSFW. If you need to be told that a video featuring Snoop has swears, someone should slap you.

Maybe T.I. isn't so hot?

I used to think T.I. was hot. I've seen many pictures of him looking hot, like the picture above for instance. I also like him because as a black man, I'm sure he's got a wang the size of a fire hydrant and he looks like he'd bone quite fiercely. But then, today I saw this picture of him:

Not cute. Not cute at all, in fact. Granted, he's gone through some really tough times recently, but damn - get a towel & do some crunches. No one likes a sweaty man boob.


I call first-ies on Connor

Here we have Nicole Kidman, with her kids - who I assumed were dead because we never really see them - Connor & Isabella. First things first - what the hell is going on with Nicole Kidman's face? I don't trust her either...she's looking a bit too much like another porcelain robot. But more importantly, I call dibs on Connor. Sure, he may be 12 now, but in 2 years he'll be 14 and I will rob him of his precious scientologist flower. I will bone the scientology right out of him! Seriously, this kid is gonna be hot. Well, he'll either be hot or gay - the pink is throwing me off. And I'm sure you're saying "Oh Girl #1 you nasty! That is a child!" to which I would say "You nasty? What is this, 1992? Anyway - if there's grass on the wang, play ball?" In 6 years when those of you who are dictated by "societal norms" and "appropriate behavior" feel comfortable enough to talk about wanting to bone him, just remember that I called first-ies and that I've probably already been all up on that.

Rod's Kid's Rod.

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click for the NSFW Image.

This is Rod Stewart's strapping son or not so strapping in this case. He has a new show on A&E with Randy Spelling, "Douchebags of Hollywood."