A big thanks to my roommate Rachel for suggesting this one, as I'm sure it's something that we've all been wondering for quite some time. Fergie - is she a straight up dude, or just some kind of jacked up lady? Do you have a suggestion for 'Blank or Not-A-Blank'? You don't have to live with me to let us know. Shoot us an email at twogirlsplusgay@gmail.com. Let's get it started:
Fergie just admitted that the stain you see in the photo above is, in fact, her own urine. Fergie, you is sick. But if Pampers commercials ever taught me anything, it's that Boys get wet in front, and Girls get wet in back when they piss themselves. Now, that picture above certainly looks like she is wet in front, but then I saw this and realized that she just pissed all over herself. The rules of humans do not apply to this dutchess. Regardless, I'm still going with Dude.
Fergie is boning Josh Duhamel. I hope that means that she is just a jacked up lady and he is not gay, but I don't know if I'd want him anyway now that he's been all up in the pee monster. Not-A-Dude
Fergie goes to great pain to try to trick people into thinking that she's a hot chick. Lucky for us, there is plenty of evidence to the contrary. Dude
Aside from having a horrible sense of fashion, Fergie's also got abs like a dude. Granted, her abs aren't as dude-ish as Pink's, but I definitely see a little bit of the man V on Fergie Ferg. Dude
Is it really necessary to continue with this? She's obviously a Dude. Come on, Fergie, just tell us you're a dude! It would not shock or surprise anyone, promise. Am I wrong here? Let me know what you think about this, in the comments!
As you gaze upon the wonder of this little kitten sleeping on a red blanket, imagine if you will, that the kitten is actually a giant vagina because we are going to lay to bed the age old debate - VAG, VAJ, OR VADGE.
We all like to say it. But how the hell do you spell it? I like Vag because it's a shortened version of the actual word, but some people say that it looks like it should be pronounced like "bag". I don't like Vaj at all because it looks like an Indian man's name - and I don't want to think of any Vagina of mine wearing a turban and smelling of curry, although I wouldn't mind if my Vagina was a doctor...I digress. Vadge may be the most phonetic spelling, but I don't like the fact that the shortened version of the word is almost as long as the regular one.
So what is it, y'all? VAG, VAJ, OR VADGE? Enlighten me, in the comments and I promise to use the spelling of your choosing 4-eva.
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Dita Von Teese is pretty in that "Don't you wish all strippers looked like this" way, but she looks like a porcelain robot - and I don't appreciate that one bit. There is only one face she can make, and its the one picture above. When she tries to talk, she looks like she's in excruciating pain:
Or at least that's how I imagine Dita in excruciating pain to look like. It's kind of hard to imagine what any sort of emotion might look like on someone who clearly has no muscles in her face. Look at this picture of her with an old Asian lady - 
It is a proven fact that Asians are an emotionless kind, but that cute old Asian lady has more feeling in her pinky than Dita has in her entire body. You know why? Because this bitch is a [Michigan bred] robot. She's luring all y'all in with her looks and then she will destroy us all. How else can you explain her marriage to Manson? Only a robot with no feeling emotionally or otherwise would let him put his peen in her.
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Britney Spears has reached a settlement with K-Fed and the former couple have officially divorced. The couple had a 5 hour meeting with their lawyers, and Kevin only walked away with $1 million. Wow. I'm terribly bored by this. Britney has been really boring and tame since her release from rehab, tricking us with exciting news about hospitalizations, only to find out she was just at the dentist. Britney is looking pretty good though, considering the fact that she is Britney Spears and genetically predisposed to looking like trash. I imagine her morning routine is like that Strangers with Candy episode, "The Last Temptation of Blank", in which her face desperately tries to reject her makeover every morning. 
But sometimes Britney comes out victorious as she did today (i'm only talking about her face here, people, not the outfit). Way to go, Britney. But a word to other celebrities out there: If Britney isn't going to do anything crazy, one of you a-holes need to pick up the slack. We can only report on a new Beyonce video with a giant cat in it for so long. Someone needs to get arrested or pregnant - TODAY. Or better yet, get pregnant and then somehow have your unborn fetus get arrested! Lohan, you know I'm talking to you.
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Every one's favorite (I actually would say hated) humanitarian and ambassador for the Africans has earned himself knighthood. 
Sir Bono apparently doesn't get full rights and privileges that other Knights get because he is from Ireland and not a citizen of Britain. Well, good for you Bono. Now, in addition to writing stupid songs and strictly using your popularity in the music world, you can tell everyone they should help the AIDS victims in Africa because you will cut them with your knight sword if they don't. Frankly, I think that would work better.
And also, if I had lots of money, believe me, I would help the AIDS victims, but I don't have lots of money, I barely have any. But you do, "Sir"... so why don't you quit bugging the rest of us poor folk and just shell out some of your own damn money. Or, here's a thought, take half of the money per outrageously overpriced U2 concert tickets and give that to the Africans. And stop making music while you're at it.
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Well it looks like Posh was getting tired of being the not-as-hot one in the relationship. Bitch cut off all of sweet Beckham's hair! He now looks like a Q-Tip. Don't believe me? Let's have a closer look:
Shaved on the sides and fluffed on the top is not a good look for him. Luckily, he is David Beckham and therefore is transformed into the hottest Q-Tip I have ever seen in my life. Nice try, Posh, but now I can just use your husband's head to clean out my vagina.
.....
...Too much? I don't even know what that means.
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Tara - Tar•a - Show Spelled Pronunciation[tar-uh]
–noun
a trashy girl, usually of the Caucasian persuasion, who can drink most men under the table and uses her good looks to get out of trouble
While chatting with another gay, the topic of girls named Tara came up. We decided that all girls that we know named Tara are very trashy. We love them and they are pretty but they just have that extra gene that lets them drink with no consequence and usually can get out of trouble by feigning ignorance.
1. Former Miss USA, Tara Conor
She almost lost the title because of her hard partying ways, but she gave Trump a story about her problems and he let her keep her title.
2. Carmen Electra, born Tara Leigh Patrick
She will always be the poor man’s Pamela Anderson.
3. Tara Reid, the reigning queen of Trash
She got paid to a host a show in hopes of her making a fool of herself and tscha you know what? She did. Whoever decided to hire her at E! is getting paid and probably has retired.
Wish, dream or fantasy with VINCENT GALLO, ladies only
Have you ever watched a movie and fallen in love with one of the actors? The way they looked or a character they played? Afterwards you thought of them over and over. Daydreaming, imagining things, sexy things. When I was very young I was madly in love with Tuesday Weld and Charlotte Rampling. On my 14th birthday I went to see the film Rolling Thunder and had my biggest crush of all on the actress Linda Haynes. I wished and wished and wished everyday that I could meet all these girls. I thought of a lot of sexy things with Susan Blakely after seeing her in Lords of Flatbush. In my mind I could do with her anything I wanted to do. So believe me, I know and understand what it's like to wish and dream about spending time with a movie star. Doing things that couples do. Couples in love. At least couples where the guy is hot and knows how to handle a chick.
I, Vincent Gallo, star of such classics as Buffalo 66 and The Brown Bunny have decided to make myself available to all women. All women who can afford me, that is. For the modest fee of $50,000 plus expenses, I can fulfill the wish, dream, or fantasy of any naturally born female. The fee covers one evening with Vincent Gallo. For those who wish to enjoy my company for a weekend, the fee is increased to a mere $100,000. Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way Jose. However, female couples of the lesbian persuasion can enjoy a Vincent Gallo evening together for $100,000. $200,000 buys the lesbos a weekend. A weekend that will have them second-guessing.
I am willing to travel worldwide to accommodate clients. However, travel days are billed at $50,000 per plus all premium flight fees. Scanning for STD's is required as is bathing and grooming prior to our encounter. Detailed photos of potential clients also required prior. An extra fee for security to protect me is charged on top of the fantasy fee. Security fees will vary depending on the details of an encounter and how much security I will need.
Potential clients are advised to screen the controversial scene from The Brown Bunny to be sure for themselves that they can fully accommodate all of me. Clients who have doubt may want to test themselves with an unusually thick and large prosthetic prior to meeting me. You may be surprised just how much you can handle and how good it feels.
Oh God...I'm sorry. I had to! Above you will find a teaser for a new Beyonce video for the song "Kitty Kat". Other titles for this post that were considered were "Beyonce likes to ride a huge pussy" or "Beyonce lovingly strokes her huge pussy" either way, you get the idea. You can get this DVD anthology on April 3, only at the fine retailer known as Walmart. I'd like to thank Beyonce for giving me this opportunity to make big pussy jokes at her expense, but would also like to remind her that this song is no "Black Cat" by Janet Jackson.
If you for some reason are interested in the Beyonce video thingy, read all about it here.
Word on the street is that Goonies might be coming to Broadway. Can I make a suggestion as far as casting goes? In the role of Sloth, I implore the powers that be to cast:
Call me Rosie, but I think the resemblance is uncanny. My only other request would be that Cyndi Lauper stand off stage and sing "The Goonies R Good Enough" throughout the entire performance. Seeing as neither of my beautiful dreams will be realized, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that if this ever does happen, it will severely blow ass. Your thoughts?
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Last night's episode of ANTM caused me to react as if I was watching a horror movie. I wasn't as much scared as I was embarrased, but I reacted in the same way - by covering my face with my hands and peeking through my fingers. They dressed like dudes & had tranny girlfriends. You can check out the entire photoshoot here. But beware, you just may end up with Jael as mustached John Lennon permanently scarred into your brain as well. I guess this episode actually did scare me partly because I realized how much Dionne looks like Chris Rock & mostly because I think I'm starting to like Natasha. Just remember ladies of ANTM, when they say "Jump" you better say "Tyra you're the greatest and most beautifulest" - because when it is all said and done and you're crowned America's Next Top Model, it will all be worth it. Just look at past winner Naima:
Isn't she lovely, everyone? What did you think about last night's ANTM?
What the shit Darryl "DMC" Daniels of Run-DMC is doing with the teletubbies? Because I have no idea. The only reasonable explanation is that he be illin. Do you have a different idea? Leave your captions, in the comments!
You know...while we're on the subject of 'splainin things to me, does anyone care to take a crack at this one:
Even though we are a relatively new blog, we had the incredible opprotunity to sit down and interview Halle Berry in my mind. Like to hear it? Here it go:
Girl #1: Hi, Halle Berry! Glad to see you check the blog frequently and tell all of your friends to do the same. I hear you have a new movie out called 'Perfect Stranger'. Would that happen to be a remake of the phenomenal television series "Perfect Strangers", and if so, will you be reprising the role of everyones favorite foreigner, Balki Bartokomous?
Halle Berry: Unfortunately no, that is not the movie that I'm in although that sounds much better than "Perfect Stranger", which is singular and the movie I'm starring in.
Girl #1: Buzzkill. What's that movie about?
Halle Berry: I play Ro, and I go undercover to find out who straight up murdered my friend. I get caught up in a bunch of lies on the internet, and then I get boned. Then me and the dude that bones me get in a fight to the death, and I come out victorious, and having learned many life lessons.
Girl #1: Wow, that sounds really shitty.
Halle Berry: It is. Incredibly shitty, actually. But it's hard out here for an Oscar winner, and I'm going to be doing something that's even closer to soft-core porn unless you go see it.
Girl #1: Hmmm...I'll pass.
Halle Berry: Does this change your mind?
Girl #1: Please honey, I've got more ass than that and I'm only black in my heart. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Halle Berry: What about this?
Girl #1: Jesus Christ. Those breasts are captivatingly magnificent. While I am not sexually aroused, I am incredibly jealous, and am again reminded of why you are an Oscar winner. I will go see your boobs...I mean movie, Halle Berry. Now put them away, you can't run around giving that shit away for free.
J. Lo is seen here promoting her spanish album entitled 'Como Ama Una Mujer' ('How a Woman Loves'). I don't think J. Lo can fully understand how a woman loves, as she looks like a tranny who shops at internationalmale.com. Are you familiar with this fine publication? I think it may be the only place online where you can get a leather shirt, as well as something as striking as this:
They also have "problem solving" underwear, charming scoop neck undershirts, and always a hit with the "ladies" side split denim shorts. You could literally spend hours on the International Male, and it looks like J. Lo did. Nice selection, J. Lo, but perhaps next time you should try something like this. Now that I have officially and completely Gayed-up the blog for the day, I'm off to do some work.
I suppose I should put this on here as it will give y'all something to talk about when I have to abandon the blog today for work. Sanjaya proved how straight he is by putting his hair in a ponytail mohawk for the show last night. First, let me just say that I have this uncanny ability to seek out the gayest people in a group upon little more than a first impression. How else can we explain my early favorites on American Idol? I just have to say that I respect Sanjaya a lot more now that he's just said "Fuckit" to the whole competition and is now fucking with all of America, which is what I would do if I was in his shoes. It's quite impressive actually for a closeted 17-year-old to be so bold. Sanjaya should take it up a notch and dress in drag next week. And wear a shirt that says "I absolutely do not support our troops, our president, or cheese!" just to see if he still makes it another week. In all honestly, I could care less what he does or if he wins. But the more ridiculous he becomes, the less I want to kill myself when Tuesday rolls around and I somehow find myself watching American Idol again. I got some problems.
'Cause she's so pretty! By looking at this picture, what else could the gays be jealous of her for? Could it be her ability to fit six wangs in her mouth at once? Well, to be fair - six small wangs, three medium sized wangs, or one GINORMOUS wang. And she can fit all these wangs in her trap and still sing "And I'm telling you" better than you've ever heard it before, or will ever hear it again. That's why the gays gave her an award. If you want to see more gays and the hags who love them at the GLAAD awards, by all means, please go here.
This week's issue of Life & Style details the most recent kidnapping threat posed to Brangelina. Brad & Angelina are at the very top of the A-List, so kidnapping threats are as common to them as STD's are to Paris Hilton, but this one just cut too deep. TMZ breaks it down:
A "credible" plot was "meticulously planned" by a gang that has executed kidnappings and extortion plots before. "They're highly skilled operatives with little regard for human life," says an insider close to Brangelina's security team. Though the couple have faced kidnapping threats before, this particular menace was deemed "credible and serious" – and was, apparently, foiled before any harm could come to the child.
Here is a picture of Winona Ryder doing the coolest thing in the world, smoking. I'm glad celebrities are getting over this whole "Smoking Stinks...YUCK!" thing, and started embracing their nicotine addicted nature. After all, smoking does keep you thin and popular, makes you look great (see above pic) and has been known to cure AIDS. But most importantly it keeps you slim. All I need is a pack of Virgina Slims & some cough drops and I have breakfast, lunch & dinner. So way to go, Wino! You are the sweetest used-to-be famous person I don't know!
Looks like Prince William has got some splainin' to do to girlfriend, Kate Middleton. Check out the Prince playing booby grab below.
Lucky for all of you who might care, and I don't imagine there are many, we have intercepted a letter written by the Prince, to Kate, explaining his behavior.
My Dearest Kate,
By now you have seen the photos of me completely man-handling that Brazilian's breast and you are probably waiting for an explanation. I'd like to blame alcohol for playing its part in this manner but that really wasn't it at all. I like boobs. I like to touch them and grab them and if I am given a chance to, I'm going to. I'm the freaking Prince of England and next in line to be KING. You don't think I'm entitled to breasts, even if they aren't property of Britain? Don't you see you will never fill the void in my life that was left by my mother's death anyway? The only thing that can fill that void is boobs. And touching them. I hope this wont interfere with our plans to get married as I sometimes enjoy touching your boobs as well. Sometimes its just more fun to touch a skinny Brazilian's instead. I hope we can move on. There's just one more thing. Now that I have explained myself, can you please explain this:
Yours Truly,
Prince Booby-Pimp William
A good friend of mine suggested a new feature for the blog called "Wasted or Retarded". It works exactly like our Blank or Not-A-Blank feature, only we will decide if a celebrity is wasted or mentally handicapped. Let's give it a try, I say! And who better to start us off than Quentin Tarantino. Here we see him with co-director Robert Rodriguez at the Grindhouse premiere. Friends, I ask you...Is he wasted? Or is he retarded?
Hmmm...tough call. I say retarded. What do you think? For more of this possibly retarded fool mingling at the premiere go here. It's too bad Tarantino was there, it actually looks like it was a pretty cool premiere.
Thanks Song!
Victoria & David Beckham have completed their transition from whatever it is that they were to LA trash in record time. They were out twirling with Puffy, which means that David Beckham will soon follow Puffy's fabulous example and have a bunch of illegitimate kids. I would like to volunteer myself to have the first illegitimate Beckham spawn, as his hotness could counteract the death rabbit baby that I would otherwise be blessed with. Help me, David Beckham, you're my only hope.
If you were hoping to see Diddy & Snoop perform in London, that's just too bad as Snoop has been banned from the UK and the tour has thus been cancelled. If you were hoping to see more pictures of Posh & Becks looking like a couple of assholes, you're in luck! Stay tuned, as I'm sure there will be many, many more shots like this in the near future.
Is Nicole Kidman pregnant? That's what Women's Day says. They be all:
"Nicole and Keith are having a baby," reveals an overjoyed friend. "They've been riding on clouds since they got the news. Nicole's been hoping for this since the day they got married. Everyone knows how she's been aching to have a baby. It's all she's been talking about for ages."
This is a commercial for KFC that ran in the UK. Those uptight brits didn't like it because they thought it was improper to sang with your mouth full, but I think this commercial rules. I recommend you watch it at least 5 times to fully understand its brilliance. I love how these fattys don't give an eff about their jobs, all they want to do is sing and eat chicken. If they were naked while singing and eating chicken, this would be a typical Tuesday at my house.
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Tremendous joy! What is the first thing I happened upon when I cracked open the gossip realm today? This fine tale of a snaggletoothed ho named Kirsten Dunst chasing her hipster boyfriend (still this sick dude) back to London and has now made herself at home at his flat. Did you just hear what I said??? MADE HERSELF AT HOME! REJOICE! Kirsten Dunst may pull a Gwyneth and stay in London forever! LET THE SUNSHINE IN, INDEED! I could think of no better way to celebrate such magnificent news than to post the end credit sequence from The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I was excited about today when I heard it was going to be almost 80 degrees in the midwest. Now this? This is better than the day that daddy stopped locking me in the basement! Best Day Ever! Unless you live in London. If that's the case...sorry? The party gets started at 1:50 in this video. Feel free to flail your hands above your head and skip around your desk. We don't get news like this everyday.
We's gots jobs y'alls. Sometimes we are required to work and that interferes with our blogging. Please watch this video of Brian Adams in the studio, and then immediately forgive us for the lack of blogging today. Good thing nothing was going on today anyhoo. See you tomorrow if the work devils don't slave me away!
If you've been reading the blog, you know that I don't really get excited about fashion. I think high waisted pants will rule, and have been praying that the bodysuit will make its triumphant return in 2K7, but other than that, I just throw on a shirt (because if I've learned anything about fashion from following the lives of celebrities, it is that you don't need pants) and off I go. But this is a look that I can really get behind. Posh & Becks went out and Vicky chose this little number with a big pink zipper down the front to show off her lopsided boobs and 3rd-world-chic collar bone. I like this because it takes all the work out of being a slut. When you are ready to bone, just unzip! I suggest you gays put in a request for Posh to incorporate the zipper into the mensware division of her new fashion line, VB. Gays are going to be the only ones buying that shit anyway, so it might as well come equipt with a zipper on the ass for easy access. I've even thought of a slogan for her new line. "VB...the quickest way to VD or an STD". I'm a marketing genius.
That's not a homeless! Sadly, that is none other than Lauryn Hill, who I love and am saddened to see in such a disheveled state. I prefer the church robe/high wasted pants & half shirt look to the windbreaker look she is sporting now, but regardless - it's good to see her out & about! Now make some music!! Until then, I will continue to religiously watch the greatest movie of all time, Sister Act 2.
a couple more pics at the source.
Although the countdown is over, because the medical examiner has announced that Anna Nicole died of an accidental overdose, we are still going to play the Detroit Pistons theme song "The Final Countdown" by Europe and pray to the lord that we are finally done with this. Although I will be sad to see Dr. Joshua Perper fade into obscurity, I think it is about time we gave this a rest. Play this video, think about the good times you had talking to coworkers about this mess, and then let's all let it go.
Not that I think J-Lo is super great and amazing but I've still never been able to figure out why she ever married that sickness that is Marc Anthony. I was going to focus on how gross I thought he was and how J-Lo is crazy for ever being attracted to such hideousness... but I thought maybe, just once, I would stop and realize that he is part human just like everyone else, and everyone deserves to be loved by somebody. After all, if we prick him, will he not bleed? He lives, eats, sleeps, breathes and as evident below, sweats... a lot. 
Maybe its standing next to his crazy latina wife that makes the sweat pour, but I'm thinking its the result of his mother screwing a wild animal and having its baby. Either way, you go J-Lo and Marc, I salute your bispecies relationship!
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"Ideally I like voice-over roles - as it's sans hair and make-up... I really enjoy them but in the future I can see myself really getting behind the camera and directing. It's much less stress and I think there is room for more women in this field." -- Julia Roberts
