Saturday, March 24, 2007

Naomi must shit Glitter

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Look at Miss Thang sauntering out of the Department of Sanitation in a couture grown from the Dolce & Gabbanna collection. Is she being for real right now? Apparently, she is. Only celebrities can pull off bullshit such as this. No normal people go to work in garbage and come out looking like their fairy god mother just twirled them into something fab. Other "celebrity only" actions:

1. Going to the hospital for exhaustion: Mariah Carey was admitted to the hospital for overworking herself and was too tired to even sleep. Now tell me who is more tired, Mariah or a mother of 5 working three jobs to support her babies? When she tired, she goes to sleep...she doesn't go to a doctor to tell her she needs some rest.

2. Hospitilization for dehydration: If you're dehydrated, drink something! You don't need a doctor to tell you that.

3. Prescribed Meds just because they think they need it: Anna Nicole, Nicole Richie has "ADD" so she gets adderall; Paris thinks she has herpes so she gets valtrex ahahah well that one may be for real.

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Friday, March 23, 2007

The Collins Countdown.

Dear Phil,

I love you and we only have 192 days until we meet on September 30 when you reunite with Genesis and me, your true love. I'm so excited I'm seeing doubles...

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and it is sooo good.

Two hearts, believing in just one mind
Beating together till the end of time
You know we're two hearts believing in just one mind
Together forever till the end of time

He knows
There'll always be a special place in my heart for him
He knows, he knows, he knows
Yeah, he knows
No matter how far apart we are
He knows, I'm always right there beside him

We're two hearts..

Chloe Sevigny is really a man.

Maybe it has something to do with her (him?) playing a Mormon on TV, but suddenly she looks like she (he?) should be the one married to a bunch of wives...

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Damn she's a handsome sh'man.

Johansson & Portman lie about each other

Scarlett Johansson & Natalie Portman are going to be in a movie together. To tame your massive boner upon hearing this dudes, let me tell you that it's a period piece. That didn't do it? It's literally a period piece. For two hours they talk about their periods. Ok, that's a lie, but I'm sure it deflated any e-bone you had quite nicely. Scarlett Johansson is also in the April 2007 issue of Vogue in which, she and Natalie Portman gush about what great actresses they both are:

“I first became involved because Natalie was doing it,” Johansson said. She and Portman had never worked together before, and Johansson said that even before reading the novel or script, she leaped at the chance to make a film with the young actress whom she admired. “She’s a wonderful actor, just a great scene partner,” Johansson said. “I guess I had never really worked with a young woman my age. She’s so professional. And she’s not pretentious or anything, just a really nice girl. It also helped that she’s from New York.”

Natalie returns the gesture by being all:

Portman was just as impressed by Johansson. “The thing about her is she’s an amazing actress. You look at her and instantly believe you are in the place you are; she makes it immediately real,” Portman said. “She’s so supportive and giving and passionate about her work,” she added. “She’s really direct about everything she wants or feels, whereas I am a little more timid.”

Is the place that she makes you believe you are in called HELL? Because that's how I feel when I watch either of these two admittedly hot ho's try to act. Jo-Ho was good in Lost in Translation because she barely spoke, and Portman was good in Beautiful Girls because she was too young to realize what she was doing. Other than that, these two are just girls that get the dudes peen blood a'flowing. Which is fine. There's really nothing wrong with being a hot ho - just quit pretending that you're good at something.

Mel Gibson now hates college

Mel Gibson is angry. First it was the women & the Jews that enraged him (but who doesn't hate either of those groups?), and now it is Mayans and anything to do with college. TMZ is reporting that Mel Gibson was all STFU to some professor when she tried to critique his depiction of Mayans in Apocolypto.

After Gibson's presentation, the crowd was allowed to ask questions. Alicia Estrada, an Assistant Professor of Central American Studies at CSUN, challenged Gibson, asking him if he had read about the Mayan culture before shooting the controversial film. Gibson said he had. Estrada persisted, stating that representations in the movie that the Mayans engaged in sacrificial ceremonies and had bloodthirsty tendencies were both wrong and racist. Estrada and others tell TMZ that Gibson exploded in anger, responding, "Lady, F**k off."

I would have told that slut to EFF OFF too. Trying to get all up in Mel's face with her facts and her knowledge. Y'all know that "Mayan" is just a fancy word for a Mexican, right? So we can pretty much deduce that they will also be running across the border to steal our jobs any day now. Mel's just looking out for us 'Mericans. At least that's what the Book of Truth by Mel Gibson told me. Where do you find such a book? Well, when you call in to order that Miracle Spring Water stuff you see on infomercials at 3am, just coo "They'll never take our freedom!" to your operator. They will transfer you to Mel's house and you can ask him to send you the book. And at least he didn't call you Sugar Tits, Professor Girl. Women always gotta be bitching about something.

Justin Timberlake: Twat or Not-A-Twat

I usually reserve my use of the word twat for the ladies, but somehow this one just seemed to fit. I hope to see a lot of really deep, thought provoking, and intellectually stimulating conversation in the comments as we put to rest the age old debate: Justin Timberlake - is he a bit twatty?

Justin Timberlake does have many good jams that I often find myself jamming to. Sometimes, even if I want to hate a Justin Timberlake song, I can't. And while that scares me a bit, I'm not going to be a dick and call him a Twat. Not-A-Twat

But maybe I like Justin's jams because I like all the other artists that he blatantly steals from, the #1 artist that Justin steals from being Prince. It also just so happens that Prince is the artist that Justin likes to try to feud with. Justin, Prince may have said some shit about you at the Emmy's, but you know what - HE'S FUCKING PRINCE. He can say anything he wants about you. So when you do shit like this and this it just makes you look like a TWAT and a soon-to-be-dead Twat if you keep messing with Prince.

Phew. Sorry, that one got a little out of control. I guess Justin is sort of hot. Damn, now I'm all angry about the Prince thing. I should have saved that until the end. Judging from the fact that people had an orgasm just from buying their ticket to the FutureSex/LoveShow, I'd say people still want to bone him, so I guess Not-A-Twat

Justin was a part of N'Sync. He was partially responsible for this and for some reason, he thought sitting on a couch with an ice pack on his sack was sweet. And you know what, it was. Not-A-Twat

Justin is on the cover of the April 2007 issue of Details this month, and in it he says that even he doesn't know what the shit FutureSex/Lovesounds means, he shockingly despises gossip magazines, and he thinks the Grammy's used him. All in all it's kind of a boring interview, kinda like the man himself. Twat

Justin boned Cameron Diaz. Sick. Twat

Well, so far the Twat's have it (I'm counting the Prince thing twice). What do you think? Ladies, do you still want him to come around and go around all up in you? White dudes, does he give you hope that white men do have the ability to dance and not look like a complete asshole? Prince Fans, shall we kill him now? Fill me in on y'alls the comments!

Violet Affleck makes me want to die

Ugh. I got to work today and opened up the blog, and there was Michelle Trachtenberg's stupid face again. I must abruptly put an end to that, so I thought we would talk about how ridiculously cute Violet Affleck is. I know, I know. She is so damn cute you want to pick her up by her basketball head and swing her around like one of those whirly tubes. Anyhoo - Violet Affleck is effing cute, but you've heard about this why now? Hmmm...because I saw this picture? No reason other than that. We haven't talked about how cute she is on this blog, but what's most importantly, we haven't talked about how a child so mind explodingly cute could come from the loins of Ben Affleck. Look at that baby! The only thing cuter than Violet Affleck in a bucket swing would be a baby in an actual bucket. And I just so happen to have a picture of that as well:

My God. What is cuter? Violet Affleck or Bucket Baby? Either way, both of these babies are about to get double punched in the face due to their cuteness.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

I can't stop looking at this

Hollywood Tuna posted this photo of F-Lister (Sorry, Buffy fans) Michelle Trachtenberg. In no way am I at all interested in anything this ho does until now. Is this photoshopped? Can she really spin her head around like that? Here's a normal picture of her at the same event:

After comparing the two, it does look like Michelle Trachtenberg is Satan, and has spun her head around in a 180 degree demonic turn. Regardless of whether the photo is photoshopped to look this way or not, she is still making a face that makes her mouth literally look like a puffed up asshole, so...there's always that? What do you think? The Little Satan That Could or Photoshopped (except for the asshole face)?

Walter is speaking wit his mii eyez

This is the greatest thing you will see today. If, in fact, you are a Big Lebowski fan as I am, and as you should be. The Mii Lebowski is certainly no substitution for the real thing, but it is damn cute and the portrayal of Walter in Mii form deserves an Oscar. An animated, video game Oscar. Make it happen, Nintendo.

From BWE via Defamer

Only Kim's cat was harmed in the making of this porn

It's Christmas in March, y'alls! The moment you've all been waiting for is finally here. You can see Paris Hilton's slutty friend Kim Karashwhateverhernameis not get peed on by Ray J! I guess Ray J has a big wang. I haven't watched it yet, so you can tell me what it be like. All you have to do is go here and refresh the page a few times (in true bootleg fashion) and then eventually you might get to see the sexing. This is a porn, so it goes without saying that it is totally SFW. You should call your boss and give him/her a play by play of the action.

Thanks Rhymes with Snitch!

SHRUG-worthy news

Vivica A. Fox got a DUI. I can feel your shoulders going up in shrug formation already. Apparently she was over the legal limit, which I could have assumed on my own since she was given a DUI. Thanks News! MSNBC

Jesse Metcalf and his man-boobs are in rehab. Page Six

I didn't watch Idol or Lost last night. Not really news, just letting you know. If you didn't and want to know what happened, you can go here for Idol and here for Lost.

The state of Tennessee hates Justin Timberlake (and I think I might too - more on that tomorrow). Washington Post

Terrence Howard has a Fun Hole

Page Six ran this little gem today:

TERRENCE Howard has a good sense of humor. On the set of "The Brave One" - in which Jodie Foster seeks vengeance after a brutal attack - a prankster put a sign on Howard's back saying "Fun hole" with an arrow pointing south. "And he had it on for 30 minutes before he realized it was there," said an insider. "He then put it on the back of the person he thought did it." And these people get paid millions, plus free food.

This is clearly just Page Six's attempt to plug "The Brave One", but I really hope this actually happened. I'm going to try to incorporate "fun hole" into my conversations in at least 7 different ways today, and I suggest you do the same. Need help? Here's a sample conversation that you should try to have:

You: Oh hey, Sally - How's it going!

Sally: Not bad, what did you do last night?

You: Oh you know, I went to the bar, got fangled in the fun hole, the usual...

Sally: What?

You: Nothing...

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The American Dream by Dina Lohan

In case you mistakenly believed that the American Dream still could be summed up by exploiting illegal immigrants in order to make your millions, Dina Lohan is here to drop some knowledge on you. Dina Lohan believes that she is the American Dream, and has resorted to exploiting her own daughter for fame and fortune. Nice move, Mama Lohan - keep it in the family. It's about time she cleared the air and took an opportunity presented by Harper's Bazaar to show the world just how classy she is. You don't like the way she parents? Dina doesn't give an eff. "I'm living the American dream, and you can go . . .". Here are some other fine highlights from the interview:

In the interview in the April issue, the 44-year-old Lohan described how she's more like a sister to her fire-haired daughter - going out to clubs with her and even wearing her old Prada jacket and Jimmy Choo boots.

"If you can button it and clip it when you're in your 40s, you're going out," she said as she put her hand in the air to solicit a high-five from the Harper's reporter.

In response, the reporter quickly shifted his eyes to the side, bit his bottom lip and manged to muster an "Uuuhhh..." as he questionably lifted his hand in high-five motion. Dina then slapped it furiously while screaming "WHOOOO! WHOOOOOOOO!" and followed her victorious gesture by finishing off the case of champagne she brought to the interview. She likes to keep it classy, what can we say? To hear more of what this insane woman had to say, you can go here. I actually recommend that you do, bitch is crazy. I mean, she said Paris Hilton was smart. Really smart, at that. Dina Lohan for President 2K8.

Dunst to reprise 'Arnie' role... by being herself!

Remember when Leo almost snagged an Oscar playing Johnny Depps' retarded brother, Arnie, in the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape? (Remember when the gigantic mother in the movie answered the title question by shouting, "ME! I'm eating Gilbert Grape"? No? That's because I made that part up).
Anyway, apparently Kirsten Dunst has decided she can play a retard just as well as anybody. And boy, is she right!
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Unfortunately for her, its not for a movie role and she's not just playing...

It makes perfect sense now

If all Asians look the same (and they do), Angelina Jolie has just stepped her stealth mode up a notch. If it weren't for those red shoes, I would have no idea which child she was lovingly carrying onto the plane, and which child has been tossed aside into the arms of some old white guy. But wait -- she could have put Pax's delightful red shoes on the now forsaken Maddox and pulled a total mindfreak on us! Angelina! Why must you always be one step ahead!! Thank God for People Magazine who will have little Paxton on the cover this week. Now I can analyze him and never be fooled again by the trickery of the Jolie clan! If you just crapped your pants out of excitement and want a little taste now, go here and see how some crooked red sunglasses and a backwards hat can make you go from poverty to HOTTT-er-ty?

Kanye & J-Hud: Also Skinny

Jennifer Hudson & Kanye West made an appearance at a Chicago High School looking thin and therefore GREAT! At least Jennifer Hudson isn't getting scary skinny. Girl, you just got all that free burger king, don't let that go to waste!


Sexy bloggin' with Jenna Jameson

If you are like me (a lady -in the finest sense of the word- who catches an occasional porn from time to time but isn't a dude or a gay who really KNOWS their porn) you may not have really gotten the big uproar about Jenna Jameson's drastic weight loss. When I first heard about it, I didn't understand..."So, she was a regular sized ho. Now, she's a skinny ho, the problem here being...???" But then I caught one of those soft core porn documentaries on HBO (followed by an on-demand viewing of that cathouse show. Airforce Amy - Don't pull a Jenna!) and the regular sized version of Jenna was featured and I finally understood what some of the fuss was about. It seems like Jenna is finally ready to address these issues, but where could the voice of a lonely porn star be heard? Why, on her Myspace blog, of course!

I feel like I need to address the weight rumors that have been swirling for a few months now. This saddens me... only because, everyone that is judging me... has absolutely NO idea what is happening in my life. People are hateful and accuse me of being a drug addict, or an anorexic. Does anyone seem to remember the fact that I am going through a nasty divorce? It has been weighing heavily on me. I worked extremely hard for years to secure my success, and i have been forced to fight for everything I busted my ass for. This has definitely affected my weight. It really hurts that my fans and everyone else) have taken it upon themselves to be so horrible, screaming eat a burger! or we want the old jenna back! I'm sure everyone out there has gone through tough times, and this is when I need support.
I wish I could enlighten everyone with what is exactly going on in my divorce and business, but I can't because of legal proceedings. I really hope everyone understands and remembers I am human, and I really need friends and the love and support right now.
Soon the divorce will be settled and I am hoping to come out unscathed, but my x is doing his best to make it hard. Thanks for all of your support, and remember I love you!

I didn't know divorces made you skinny! NEW DIET! People are gonna start getting divorced left and right if it makes you as waify as Jenna. Don't let Victoria Beckham catch wind of this. She would gladly drop David's glorious wang if it meant she could also drop another 20lbs, bringing her total weight to a cool 62lbs. Being skinny is the only way you'll get people to like you, WORLD. Being thin is so cool, even the porn stars are jumping on the thin-train. Porn Stars. People who have little-to-no standards, because there will always be work for the "one eyed midget that weighs 600lbs". I better start starving myself today. Whenever we start to feel bad after looking at countless pictures of [fill in your favorite female celebrity] and her perfect [fill in your favorite part], us regular people have always been able to say "Well, at least I look better than a porn star!". No more. The porn stars are invading. Pretty soon, all we'll be able to say is "Hey! At least I have the same STD as that fabulously skinny Jenna Jameson!"

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

So good, in fact, that Snoop Dogg doesn't feel the need to make an effort anymore. Either that, or he's in disguise from the police because they keep busting him for weed. No one would ever suspect to see Snoop Dogg in a shower cap, carrying a LV purse and a bottle of Figi water. You look good though, Snoop! And by good, I mean not good at all. Was you high when you threw this ensamble together? I can't help but love/hate this look. Your thoughts?

The Calm Before the Storm

Brace yourselves, y'all. We had a relatively boring and uneventful the last almost 30 days, but that is all about to change. Britney Spears has left rehab. President Bush needs to use this as an excuse to bring back the terror alert system. We should all be on high, if not severe, alert during this highly unstable time. She may be making a quiet exit now, but I expect to see Britney go full on crazy again within the next day or two. Don't let the fact that K-Fed cancelled the first of two birthday parties for himself fool you into thinking that Britney is going to cool out anytime soon. She's been storing up her rage for the last few weeks, and is ready to unleash it on anyone, anytime, anywhere. If you see Britney, cross the street immediately. Do not look at her, do not talk to her, and for the love of god, if you value your life at all do not take a picture of her. She will tear out your jugular and headbutt you into submission before the camera goes click. We will keep you posted on any developments, but for now let's just try to remember the good times when Britney was just a prepubescent slut that dudes wanted to bone. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. BEST OF LUCK, BRITNEY!

Don't cry for me, Sanjaytina

Although I've given up on American Idol, I watched it last night. There's nothing else on TV on Tuesday, so what else am I supposed to do? Turn off the TV, you say? ARE YOU MAD??? If I turned off the TV, I wouldn't have witnessed the greatest thing to happen to American Idol ever. For some reason, there was a girl in the audience, whose age and mental state will be decided at a later time, who could not stop crying. If you missed it, here's a bit:

Now, you may watch this clip and say - "Hey Girl #1! You're a dick! That's just a cute little girl who is overcome with joy at seeing this soon-to-be really gay Indian boy trying to rock!". Perhaps it was the bottle of wine that I swiftly consumed before I subjected myself to the gut-wrenching pain that is American Idol, but I found this to be incredibly hilarious. The show should be renamed "The Crying Girl Happy Funtime Hour" and have the singing just be secondary. Around 2:08 in the video, you see the first of MANY instances in which this girl squeezes out some tears for the camera. Fake crying is fine by me, don't get me wrong. I will fake cry to get out of any situation I don't want to be in. Parking tickets, work, giving a blow job, walking down the street...ANYTHING. But something was just hilariously wrong with this girl. And where the hell is her family? Did they just let this crying girl wander in and have a seat right next to the judges? I call shenanigans on American Idol! But a good shenanigans, nonetheless. If anything, I respect American Idol more for exploiting a mildly retarded youngster's emotions while subjecting a 17-year-old kid to the ridicule of the entire country. Way to bring the children down, American Idol. If you keep the crazy crying girl, you just may win me back.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

It all comes back to 'Fear'

Last night, I had the pleasure of catching one of the greatest movies of all time on Encore. Obviously, I'm talking about the 1996 film, 'Fear' starring Reese Witherspoon & Mark Wahlberg. The only thing I remember about this movie from watching it as a wee-Girl #1 was that Marky Mark gave the girl (Reese) a fangle on the rollercoaster. And yes, that scene still kinda ruled. Now that this fine piece of cinema is fresh on my mind, it seems like all roads in the gossip realm today lead to 'Fear'. For example, whens the last time we saw Alyssa Milano? Probably when she played Reese's slutty friend in 'Fear'. Well, today we see Alyssa is still keeping it slutty, as her and her boobs go for a walk:

As for Reese, I think we all know that she dropped 30 lbs, had some kids, divorced her husband and most recently shot the cover of Harper's Bazaar. Mark Wahlberg is still unbelievably hot, and I would let him fangle me any day. In case you haven't seen 'Fear', now would be a good time for you to take a look at the best scenes from the movie, set to the sweet sounds of Morrissey.

While the creator of this video did an excellent job of syncing up the characters lines with Morrissey's brilliant "Let me inaaaaahhahaaaa", it sadly left out one of my favorite parts of the movie - the part when Marky slices "Nicole 4 Eva" into his chest and rubs ink into it to magically create a tattoo. Perhaps Modest Mouse frontman Isaac Brock caught the same repeat as I did, because at a show in South Dakota, he whipped out a knife and carved away at his chest. You know what, Brock, you are no Marky Mark, and getting all emo at your show isn't going to make your fans forget about this. See y'alls. 'Fear' is everywhere! I highly suggest that you get that shit on your Netflix queue pronto. It's taking over the world!

John Tucker Must Die!

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Oh Jesse Metcalf with the incredibly large pec implants thinks he's the shizzle. One of the worst things you can do is be rude to the staff at a night club. They can get your ass outta there. Tis why Monsieur Metcalf is backlisted out of popular West Hollywood hotspot at the Mondrian Hotel. After hard partying for four days, his desperate houseboy antics were no longer acceptable, so they gave his manboobs the boot forevs!

In no way is this surprising

Here is Janice Dickinson acting a fool at LA fashion week. Let's officially add "Janice Dickinson doing anything" to the list of things I never need to see again. Here's the rest of the list so far:

1) Britney's Vagina
2) Lindsay's Vagina
3) Paris' Vagina - or Paris doing anything
4) Brandon Davis & his brother doing anything
5) almost every mash up ever created
6) The War at Home
7) People with lazy eyes (see #3)
8) Taco Bell's that are closed at 3am - or ever.
9) Mexican babies (just the babies)
10) Blind people

Hmmm...That's all I got for right now...feel free to add to this list in the comments.

Can Someone Please Explain

Why Nelly Furtado always looks like she just tried to sneak one by, but was caught? She always has that smarmy "Oops! I just farted, and you heard - now I'm embarrassed and ashamed" look on her face. What the hell is wrong with her? You can see more of her looking like she has possibly just soiled herself, yet is even bored by that, on TRL by going here, but first, explain to me what the hell is wrong with Nelly the comments!

Tori Spelling experiences generic joy

Here is a shocker! Tori Spelling is overjoyed with joy from being a new mommy! Holy Crap! She even documented her boring joy in her Myspace blog:

"He is my little angel baby and I had no idea you could love someone you've only known for 4 days this much. But, my heart is jumping out of my chest with love. Mommihood ROCKS!...I might be a biased mommy but he is so beautiful. I just stare in amazement. I can't believe I have been given this unbelievable gift...I feel like the luckiest girl in the world"

Just once, I would like someone to come out and say, "You know what...this baby thing...not so much. I thought I would like it, but I hate this stupid baby. Anyone want it? I'll be having another garage sale next month and the baby is up for grabs!" Maybe I'm feeling exceptionally angry today because I'm a bit under the weather, but reading Tori Spellings asinine commentary on Mommihood really enraged me. But she wins me back, everyday from 5pm-7pm when the repeats of 90210 air on the SOAP channel. Donna Martin, how I miss you.


Dancing With Who Cares

Hello Nip-Slip Google Image Searchers!
My name's Tiny and I'm part of the new blogger exchange program. Normally I write for a blog called The Silver Bullet where we talk about sports and make fun of other races. Now I know what your saying, "what does this have to do with Tara Reid walking her dog/Beyonce's black eye/you're not gay!", but last night the lady-friend made me watch the homo-off called Dancing With the Stars. Now, while I do spend an inordinate amount of time watching sports, I'm no sports-nazi -- more a grooming nazi: TOTALLY me
I watch the Project Runway and the Hills and all other sorts of unabashed girl crap and actually enjoy it, but watching Cliffy from Cheers learn to dance? I'd rather watch painful wooden-man Michael Jordan stumble through old Saturday Night Live clips.

Who cares about Dancing With the Stars? Well, ABC seems to think this show is almost as important as Ugly Betty. Dancers featured on the show include midget ice-skating sensation Apollo Ono (a google image search for Apollo Ono only comes up with 2 pages of results, but you already knew that) former 90210 star and now desperate man Ian Ziering, Muhammed Ali's daughter/boxer/lesbian Laila Ali, Paul McCartney's estranged cripple wife Heather Mills, Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey (not the druggy that got Rosie and Trump all huffy, some other one) and 6'7 basketball hall of famer Clyde "The Glide" Drexler.
All of these people are famous because of someone they associated with or something they did long ago that they will never do again. Apollo Ono is, what, 15 now so he'll never again be a dominant speed-skater. Ian Ziering should really try and get a data-entry job somewhere if the DVDs aren't bringing in enough money. Laila Ali would only be famous among female comedians and indoor rock climbing enthusiasts if not for her father. Shandi Finnessey (what the hell kind of name is is Shandi Finnessey? Is she an Irish call-girl?) is only getting older and uglier. Heather Mills is famous for having one leg, bravely speaking up against land mines (somehow these 2 things are not related) and divorcing a Beatle. The only one who I have any respect for is Clyde Drexler.

(WARNING: This video contains sports/rapping)
Clyde Drexler is an endlessly classy guy which, believe me, is a rare thing in the NBA. He's one of the few stars the Pistons have met in the finals who I haven't developed an irrational hatred for (his sports team is from a different city than mine) and he's one of the few who piggy-backed on to a better team in the hopes of retiring a champion who I actually thought deserved it. How classy is Clyde? The lady-friend has had a crush on goateed Apollo Ono since middle school but now he's K-Fed compared to The Glide. So if somebody makes you watch the show, check him out.
Thanks for the soapbox, Girl #1. Now back to more US Weekly coverage...

Monday, March 19, 2007

Theorem De Suri

If you ever caught yourself second guessing that Suri Cruise is Asian, look no further. Well actually, look a little further. Below you will see a picture of the littlest scientologist and her real mother, AsianKat, who escaped the realm of scientology for a mere moment to provide us with this rare photo opt.

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Look how Asian they are!!

Do Tom and Katie really think they can keep the secret of AsianKat and Suri hidden from America forever? Silly TomKat, dressing little Asian babies that you steal in Scottish jumper-kilts doesn't mean they won't grow up to be a doctor or mathematician so they can prove your dumb Scientology bullshit wrong... because we all know that Asians are geniuses.
. .

Suri will be smart.

Would you like a side of Herpes with that?

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The first drugged out b-list girl is opening a fast food joint. The one and only Tara Reid who drank her career into the ground is opening a burger joint to put the fat she had taken out back into your gut. She named the placed Ketchup and says you probably won't see her behind the register but you will see her in the kitchen touching her cat onto all the surfaces to make sure you get a nice piece of Taradise in every meal!

Kirsten finds a man as hit as she is!

For Kirsten Dunst, dating must be really hard. Not because she is a celebrity, or because she is working all the time, but because it is virtually impossible to find a guy that perfectly matches her intense level of fug. She was off to a good start, slutting around with the likes of 3 different douches whose names begin with A & Fabreze Moretti, but none of those dudes are quite as sick as this guy:



It's a match made in heaven! Who is this douche? I dunno...some dude who is in some shitty band. You can find out more about him and see more pictures of the fug parade here

Posh finds a new reason not to eat

David & Victoria Beckham want a girl to starve and parade around as their latest accessory. Instead of just praying to baby jesus that he bless them with a thin baby with a vagina, Posh & Becks are eating their way to a baby girl.

Posh is so determined she has put David on a special “daughter diet” - rich in alkaline foods. She has also pledged to get a tattoo of an ethnic fertility sign. David has been limiting his intake of red meat and chomping down on vast quantities of rabbit food. Under the new regime, which Victoria is overseeing with military precision, caffeine and alcohol are completely out. Dairy foods are also forbidden. Instead, it’s steamed veg or salads of lettuce, asparagus, avocado and peppers with white meat or fish.

But just in case, Victoria has also looked at tattoos. “Victoria said she is going to get a fertility sign in an intimate place, for David’s eyes only,” says a source close to the couple.

Good to know that Posh continues to starve herself and is planning on getting a tattoo of a vag on her vag.


Today is a break up day

T.I. and his mini-Mariah Carey girlfriend/fiance/whatever they are are reportedly broken up. Mini-Carey is currently pregnant with their 2nd child. People seem to think that this is merely a lovers spat, and the two will be reunited hey-hey in no time. In completely unrelated news, Jena Malone is a douche:

And is anyone else as afraid of Iggy Pop and his tiny hand as I am? I don't know if it's the picture, the musckles, the jigging, the tight jeans, the tiny hand, or a combination of all of the above...but something just ain't right about this:

The #1 reason I'm excited for high rise jeans

I love fashion. No matter how absolutely ridiculous people look, they will continue to wear anything that someone else has deemed "cool". High-Rise jeans: Not.Cool. But this year, everyone will think that they are and all the dumb sluts will start wearing them. And I will laugh and laugh. The only thing I'm not looking forward to about this trend is the obscene amount of camel-toe that we will certainly be subjected to. Thank you, Fergie Ferg, for managing to successfully pull off looking like an asshole, without making me see a denim outline of your london bridge.


These two broke up

Yeah, you probably already heard or don't care, but Uma Thurman & Andre Balazs broke up again. Did you know that he is 50??? I didn't. He looks younger than she does! Ok, no he doesn't - but he doesn't look 50! This is sad only because it brings Uma closer to accepting the fact that she is going to end up with gross Quentin Tarantino whether she likes it or not. When she finally does accept this sad truth and settle for Tarantino, she will have to let him bust all over her feet every day, which I'm sure has to be one of the many reasons holding her back from just embracing her fate. Stay strong, Uma - there may be someone out there for you yet! Maybe it's this guy?

I honestly think I would take this guy over Quentin and his sick foot fetish any day.


Lindsay Lohan is a "DJ"

Lindsay Lohan was shuffling her ipod at some club in New York this weekend. La Lohan was so scared that her daddy was going to try to come and see her that she flipped out and gave the security guards pictures of her dad to make sure he was kept out of da club. Then, she was so drunk nervous about her dad, that she became enraged at people who were snapping photos of our drunk princess. She yelled "If you take any more f--king photos, there's going to be no more f--king music. Do you want to be in a f--king quiet club?" - Oh hell no, photo-taking-people. Lindsay will turn her ipod off RIGHT FUCKING NOW! So just cool out with the pictures! The CDL never did show up at the club, probably because now that he's a freebird, he has better things to do with his time than try to reconnect with his daughter. There are shoes to throw at people and hos to bone, Lohan, Daddy doesn't care about how good you are at hitting shuffle on your ipod and dancing like an asshole when the latest TV on the Radio track that you love comes on.


Slutty Baby Showers Rule

I would like to personally thank Mel B for taking her baby shower up a sexy notch. Baby showers are usually quite lame. A bunch of women sitting around sharing their boring pregnancy experiences, playing stupid games like "How many baby names can you make from the word 'MISTAKE'!", and forced "Ooohs!" and "Aaahs!" when mom-to-be gets another creepy Baby Eistein video, is not necessarily a fun time for me. No, I prefer Mel B's style of baby shower, which involves strippers and booze - and little else (what else do you need?). To all y'all preggos out there, take note. Your friends will have a much better time if your baby shower is like this, and it's a nice reminder of how the baby was probably concieved in the first place. However, I hope that is sparkling cider in Mel B's glass. Mel, I know you are angry at Eddie, but how's about we lay off the pre-natal child abuse as a way to get bact at him.