Kirsten Dunst is a
dick twat. That's what we'll be deciding anyway. I think dudes like her because she's got big boobs, but need I remind you dudes that she has a jacked up grill that will shred up your wang like coleslaw. What'll it be dudes? Titties or shreded wang?
Kirsten Dunst thinks she can read. Twat
I guess some people liked her as that child vampire. Don't say I never did anything for you, child vampire fans. Not-A-Twat
Kirsten Dunst got to bone Jake Gyllenhaal and I never will. While I know this is just my jealousy talking - Twat
Kirsten Dunst was in Drop Dead Gorgeous. Luckly for her, that movie is good enough to give her a vote of Not-A-Twat
“After Marie Antoinette, I was feeling that I had to prove myself. Ugh. Like, I didn’t do it. I didn’t prove myself enough. Then I thought, Whatever. I’m in a really happy place, and I want to do a fun movie. Why do I want to be superserious chick all the time? I have a dark side, but I also like comedy, so I think next I want to do something that’s super over-the-top.” Twat
The TWAT's have it! Unless some of you can tell me why this dumbass is not a twat - I'm going with twat. Is there anything at all redeemable about her? Aside from her floppy boobs (if that's your thing)?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I'm sorry for the lack of posts today. We've been through a lot, you and I. You've been with me through the good and the bad. You see baby, I was busy blogging...elsewhere. I know, I'm such a bitch, riiiight! I can't help it if I have the March Madness too! I promise it wont happen again until the next time someone asks me to be a guest on their blog. Then you better believe I'll sell out faster than you can say FLOAT ON. But for now, I'm all yours.
Except...you see, there's this one other thing. I might not be here tomorrow. The Gay is celebrating a birthday and I will be traveling to Chicago tomorrow to celebrate with him. I'll be sure to get our weekly feature, "Blank or Not-A-Blank" up so you can occupy yourselves with that in our absence. Where will The Gay be, you ask? Well, he's surely out-gayed himself this time, as he will be traveling through 2 states to get some contact lenses for the weekend. Trust me, don't ask. Girl #2? She's been hanging out in one of those strange rent-a-hot-tub for an hour places...for the last week. We'll try to drag her pruned, chaldean ass out of there, but no promises (she likes the warmth of a shared hot tub, you know her kind is used to desert climates). So, we may disappoint you tomorrow. But, maybe not! You never know! So I suggest you come back here tomorrow, and often. You should also have your friends check the blog for you if you can't. Just saying. Also, now would be a great opportunity to give a most sincere THANK YOU to anyone and everyone who has ever read this blog. We are not sure why you keep coming back, but we are certainly happy about it. Thank you so much! I will be back for sure on Monday, but maybe tomorrow, but probably not...maybe. Until then, you should sing the karaoke song I have posted by the band named after the city I will be in tomorrow, and pretend I'm singing it to you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THE GAY! I HOPE THIS YEAR IS EVEN GAYER THAN ALL THE ONES BEFORE!
Seriously, what the fuck is going on here? I have tried to understand this for quite some time. How is it that J. Lo allows her husband to look like such trash every time they step out together? I'm glad you brought your feather quill pen and jesus dog tags along for the ride, Marc Anthony...sweet god, it just gets worse and worse with this guy. But I think I've finally figured it out. I think that J. Lo must wake up Marc Anthony from a deep sleep 5 minutes before they leave, and command him to get ready in that short amount of time. She will keep doing this until he gets it right. Think of it as being similar to what Chaz does to his kids in 'The Royal Tenenbaums' only SPICY because they are Hispanic. So Marc Anthony springs out of bed, throws on some wrinkled jeans and his favorite feather quill pen blazer and stands before J. Lo seeking her approval. J. Lo looks, shakes her head, and says "Get your ass out of this house and to [insert stupid event they are going to]! Prepare to be ridiculed by the masses...YET AGAIN! WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN! AYE CARRAMBA! [insert another offensive saying of your choosing that latinas would never actually say]!!!". Better luck next time, Marc Anthony.
While Britney Spears is feeding her addiction to cola, meeting her latest douchebag boyfriend in AA, and looking like everyone's favorite character from Star Wars, the good people at X17 have somehow found a helicopter, and are patrolling Spears' house from the sky. Thanks X17! I've always wanted to see blurry aerial shots of Britney's kids (one more thing to check off of the list of things to do before I die). I pray that once Britney makes her 2 day early exit from rehab for K-Fed's birthday, that the two black people who we can also blurrily see will continue to raise Britney's children. You know, I can't really see what is going on as far as the "raising" goes, but I'm positive that aside from SP sporting the "I'm a baby in only a diaper" white trash look, these two strangers are doing a much better job raising the tots than Spears ever will. Look at the picture! They are actually watching, or at least looking, at the kids! The only reason SP is only in diaper is because these two haven't had enough time with him yet. And SP&JJ both are destined to pretend that they are black later in life anyway (just like dear old dad), so why not let a couple black people have a say in how they are brought up? It's only fair. I suggest they file for legal adoption immediately, otherwise the future heirs to the Spears throne will be two worse versions of Daddy, and believe me, no one wants that.
On the left, Melinda Doolittle, finalist on American Idol. On the right, Lily Tomlin, actress/comedian and wife of Tom Waits in the movie Short Cuts. Is it at all possible for a young black woman and a oldish white woman (from DETROIT) to be twins? Because the resemblance here is uncanny. That being said, I still am over American Idol...I just couldn't let this one pass.
I have nothing to say about this aside from how ridiculously cute this family is. I love Julianne Moore, and I think it's okay to be nice once a month on the blog. So, before we get into our general assholery - let's take a moment and look at this cute family! THAT LITTLE RED HEADED CHILD HAS A KITTEN ON HER SHIRT! Okay, now that that's out of the way, I'm back to being an assface. Thank you for your time.
Of all the Hollywood poptarts, I want to hang out with Nicole Richie. Wherever she goes there seems to be a party. Pills, Pills, and more pills! You can get any LA doctor to prescribe you anything if you've been on the cover of a magazine. InTouch magazine is reporting that Nicole is abusing ADHD med, adderall to stay skinny and stay awake while filming the new season of the Simple Life. I can't fault Nicole for using adderall to stay skinny. It's actually "legal" if the prescription is in her name. I guess no more meth for Miss Richie. Adderall is very similar to cocaine in that it is speedy and keeps you going. I've even nicknamed it "diet coke." You have total control of concentration and can git 'er done.
fyi nicole, I hope you are taking the 20mg because too many of the blue 10mg make you poop green. But then again, you have nothing to poop. i take it back
image via justjared
The little asian formerly known as Pham Quang Sang is the new and improved Pax Thien Jolie! Pax is derived from Latin and means "peace" and Thien means "helpful," "bright," in his native Vietnamese. Angelina is in the final steps of the adoption process and only needs to clear is the U.S. customs. Ensuring that Angelina isn't importing a weapon of mass of destruction :) Yay...Go Asians!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Last season of Niptuck was a little zany and absurd. How could they go beyond the serial killing brother and sister team with two pussies between the two of them i just dont know. But they did with prostitutes, kidneys, and french madams oh my! Hopefully this season there are more emotional storylines. I think that was the problem with last season...it was very out there but lacked major emotion for us to even care about Christian and his prostitute surgeon adopted baby mama.
The new season promises even better celeb guests such as Madonna (tranny surgery maybe) and Sandy Bullock...i dunno what they would fix with her. Maybe give her a personality. Is that possible?
I was going to let The Gay have the honor of posting these ridiculously hot pictures of David Beckham, but my she-bone will wait no longer. Whenever people go on about how hot David Beckham is, I always think "Yes, he is hot." as more of a statement of fact. He is hot, I understand and agree with that statement. But then these pictures come out and now I truly understand the power of his hotttness. You want me to murder a puppy, David Beckham? If it gets me one step closer to your undeniable hot self, consider that puppy murdered. Here are a couple more, then go here, regardless of your sexual orientation or gender. Beckham's hotness transcends all boundaries.
A challenge to our readers: Find one thing in this picture of Janice Dickinson that does not terrify you. Someone should tell her that the zit she is trying to pop with her clammy, cryptkeeper hands is actually called a nipple, and it is supposed to be there. Even though she is a crazy, egotistical, barely even recognizable as an actual human being anymore, bitch - I realy miss Janice on ANTM! Even though Janice won't be there, make sure you tune into ANTM tonight. It's the makeover episode!!! Or, as I like to call it, the only reason they've kept Natasha around episode. You know Tyra can't wait to transform her bleached, frizzy mess of a head into the Angelina-esque beauty Tyra wants her to be. If you haven't been reading the updates on Four Four, go waste some time there right now! If for some insane reason you'd like to see more Janice, you can go here.
According to Pop Candy, today is National Potato Chip Day. And while tomorrow is National Everything You Think Is Wrong Day, I suggest you worry about today first. Celebrate National Potato Chip Day with Rap Snacks! Do you foolishly think Hip Hop is Dead? Bring back Hip Hop and simultaneously celebrate the art of the potato chip by eating The Official Snack of Hip Hop! I personally enjoy Southern Crunk Barbecue, but I feel like Rap Snacks could be missing the boat by not including the Ying Yang Twins flavored snack: "It's hard out here for a chip" or R. Kelly's "Open yo legs and show me your Sour Cream & Chives" chips. I have hope that Rap Snacks is only just beginning, so hopefully we will see these and other fine flavors soon.
Fergie Ferg was apparently too drunk to fly from Los Angeles to the UK on Virgin Atlantic. Note to self: Never fly Virgin Atlantic. An onlooker said:
"She was falling all over the place and had to be supported. She was in no state to fly. But when she was prevented from boarding she couldn't believe it. She was drunkenly ranting at staff but could barely string a sentence together. It was very embarrassing."
I'm sorry, but can someone please explain to me how you can be too drunk to fly? Was Fergie flying the plane? Because then, yes, maybe she was too drunk to actually pilot the aircraft. But, I think Fergie just wanted to sit there and be drunk on the plane...so...what is the problem exactly? Too drunk to drive? Sure, okay, I feel you on that one. Too drunk to babysit? Eh...that's a fine line too...but whatever, I'll give you that as well. But too drunk to sit your ass in an airplane and drink more? I just don't get it. Someone please explain...in the comments!
X17 is reporting that Drew Barrymore has jumped from one hipster boyfriend to another, by making Spike Jonze her latest conquest. This is obvious and I am bored. I do, however, enjoy the dirtstache that Spike Jonze is sporting. Very child molester, "get in my white van with no windows" chic. I'm pretty sure it was these fine photographs that perked the interest of molester Jonze.
Remember the last time we saw pregnant Mel B? Well, she looks a bit better in the face, but it looks like the toll that being dumped by Eddie Murphy after you've been impregnated by him works in mysterious ways. Poor Mel B just can't win. His wrath has moved to her ass, and now I'm not quite sure where the baby is growing. Dang, I hope she's not having an ass baby. I think I saw something like that on the Discovery Health channel once. Word on the street is, Eddie likes to put it in the pooper, so an ass baby isn't a completely irrational thought.
Elton John celebrated his 60th birthday in London with friends last night. The theme for the night was "Choose Your Own Adventure: Gay Soldier, Gay TGI Friday's employee, or Gay Black Tie". Here is what some of the guests came up with, I think they did a pretty good job:
Elton John was also told that he would be receiving big balls for this birthday, which he was clearly excited about.
Unfortunately, the photographer did not hang around long enough to catch the disappointed look that was promptly displayed upon Sir Elton's face after receiving a different ball than he expected. For more pictures of this gay 'ol time, go here.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Date: March 11, 2007
Locale: Marina Towers, Chicago, IL
Yes it was a beautiful day in the windy city. My bff and I decided to venture out into the city for some yummy ass burger king. She was wearing a cute outfit and i was looking a hot ass mess. We come down to the valet and wait for her car, when who do we see strolling by? Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo coming at us. Oh there also was a Drew Lachey, but whatever, he's d-list anyway. They made the lil' Drew carry a huge ass present into Smith and Wollensky, we are assuming. Nick Lachey is way cuter than i thought he ever was. Vanessa was alright, the only thing i really loves about her was her MJ Stam bag, but she's not really a celebrity. I would shag Nick anytime, yum yum.
Date: March 12, 2007
Time: Late night
Location: 10pin bowling alley
Ugh, another celebrity ruins my Monday Night bowling. After tearing it up at his Chicago show, JT decided to rent out the ultra fab 10pin to relax after the show. If i only had a vagina i probably would have been able to stay and bowl with the short dick man, but alas, i wasn't. Teary.
Tori Spelling is FINALLY in Labor (capital L is intentional, y'all - judging by the size of her stomach, this birth is gonna definitely do a number on her vagina). It's about time she got that baby out of her belly! One more day and I think it would have burst out of her stomach, Alien style. Actually, that probably would have been way better than the boring regular birth she's about to experience. I'm excited to promptly forget about Tori Spelling again now that she is about to lose the only reason anyone cared about her. Unless, of course, she continues to push her dog around in a stroller, and subsequently begins walking her baby around with a leash. If that happens, I will definitely keep a close watch on her crazy ass.
EDIT: Well, she had the thing. I mean, IT'S A BOY! Oh, golly! We are just exploding with excitement. His name is Liam Aaron McDermott, he weighed 6lbs. 6oz., and it is rumored that he looks like this:
Which is really exciting, because it means Tori Spelling let a Mexican pug put his little pink lipstick in her. Way to go!
I know we don't always see eye to eye on television shows (You say "Grey's Anatomy" I say "Piece of Shit"). But let us put our differences aside for a moment, and talk about a show so unbelievably awful, I would be shocked if anyone in this world actually liked it. I'm talking about FOX's The War at Home. This is a show that I've seen only once, yet the one time that I did see it, I was captivated by its unbelievable stupidity. I sat there, remote control extended at the TV, my hand yelling at my mind "EXTEND YOUR THUMB, BITCH! CHANGE THE CHANNEL IMMEDIATELY!", yet my mind was so in awe of this mind numbing piece of shit, that I think I watched about 15 whole minutes, which felt like 15,000 years. Between their sorry attempt at racial humor and the painful Michael Rapaport cutaways & narration, I think this show managed to make me infertile in the short time that I was exposed to it (which is probably a good thing, as I'm sure I'd severely neglect any children I accidentally had).
I used to kinda like you Michael Rapaport, now I am commanding anyone who will listen to bring me your head on a stick. That is how much I hate this show. While The War at Home awaits its fate (I swear to Christ FOX, if you cancelled Arrested Development and keep this piece of shit I will set your headquarters on fire), Michael Rapaport is exploring his options, scoring the male lead in the upcoming CBS show "Fugly". Anything has to be better than The War at Home. Now that I've successfuly commanded murder and threatened arson, my job is done here. Anyone else share my burning hatred for this show?
I love R. Kelly. I really do. He can do no wrong in my eyes. Yes, before you ask, I even love Gotham City. So, I'm obviously really excited for his new album that is coming out in May. Even though I don't really believe that they like or care about R. Kelly, Pitchfork has lead me to the "Chocolate Factory" (not to be confused with the Chocolate City of New Orleans), a phone number that you can call to hear snippets of tracks from the upcoming R. Kelly album entitled Double Up. You can also try to decipher what the hell R. Kelly is talking about when he says things like:
"Put some money on it, what can I say? Y'ALL DON'T BELIEVE? Put some money on it."
Or you can get deep with Kelly as he tries to bridge the gap between R&B and Hip Hop. I recommend that you call (312) 278-3965 right now and make your way into the Chocolate Factory. You'll hear some sweet jams, and you can just hold up your finger and point to the phone if anyone in your office tries to bother you for the next 6 minutes.
Before you go saying that the "Twirl-A-Squirrel" bird feeder is mean to the squirrel, allow me to explain that my Uncle likes to shoot squirrels that climb on his bird feeder with a BB gun. In fact, I think he has a bird feeder just to attract squirrels so he can shoot them. Getting a little twirl is better than getting shot, in my opinion. I don't understand why people get so angry at squirrels eating the bird food, what makes a dumb bird so special that he is allowed his own private feast that the squirrel can't have? I really just don't understand that. But, I think that some Squirrels may find the "Twirl-A-Squirrel" to be an enjoyable ride! It's like Cedar Point for squirrels!!!
She likes to kick! And stretch! And kick!
I don't know much about Lily Allen. I've heard that 'Smile' song, and I liked it because it was cute and mean at the same time, which is something I strive for in my personal life. But when I see pictures like this, I feel like the guy in the picture who is clearly not amused. I just keep looking at his face and laughing and thinking that would probably be me if I was standing next to Lily Allen, except I probably would have pushed her drunk ass down, instead of holding her up while looking disgusted. Lily Allen is cute though, and if I had to pick between her and that other crazed British artist that everyone seems to love and I know nothing about, Amy Winehouse, you know I'd go with Allen. Some of you have to be Lily Allen fans, is it worth my time? Keep in mind I am very busy doing very little...
There are very few dudes in this world as amazing as Slash. Ageless thanks to his black mother, and as timeless as those creepy Anne Geddes babies, Slash continues to impress me (and continues to be the sole reason I pray for a GnR reunion). Sure, he's wearing a satin shirt, but he's managed to still squeeze into the same leather pants he wore in the 80's - CAN YOU DO THAT? No you can't. Why? Because you are not Slash. Honestly, name one other "rocker" that is still as great now as they were in the 80's. Sammy Hagar has always blown, so we can't use that example...but take Axel Rose:
It's really quite sad. He kept the big, probably filled with disease, sponge microphone, so that's a plus. But everything else is so wrong that I really try not to think about it. But Slash...Slash remains exactly how he was at his prime, and that gives me some hope for this crazy world. As long as Slash still rules, everything will end up okay. Once he starts hanging out with buckethead, all y'all gays better meet me in my basement, because the end times are upon us. I'll be sure to have 'November Rain' all cued up in my VCR. For now, please enjoy it here (and if you want to see a bunch of old has beens trying to look sweet at the Rock and Roll hall of fame induction, go here).
You know, as much of a total D-Hole that I am, I've been trying to be nice to Britney while she is in rehab. Perhaps it is because I spent my Saturday morning looking up old Britney videos on YouTube and reminiscing about the good old days, but I feel like crazy Britney is entitled to a bit of privacy. That's why when those Britney's the Antichrist rumors started flying around, we didn't write about it. Old news, y'all - we've known that she is the Antichrist for years now. But when Britney leaves rehab for an AA meeting looking like Jabba the Hutt, something needs to be said. I'm just hoping that she stays like this for all time. Britney the Hutt is by far my favorite rendition of Ms. Spears yet. I can see the comeback on the horizon. Britney can play Leia & Jabba in her first comback video! They'll have to use old footage of Britney when she wasn't looking like an overweight slug, but I'm sure it can be done.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Keep on peacefully strolling around NYC while you still can, Dina & Lindsay Lohan, because Crazy Daddy Lohan is getting out of jail tomorrow! I am so excited about Crazy Daddy Lohan hitting the bricks!!! IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS!!! For what seems like years now, we've read his rambling letters and seen his crazy drawings. Now, we will get to see and hear Crazy Daddy Lohan in all of his glory! He's already started and he's not even out of jail yet! The CDL has ideas man, ideas for shows that will blow your effing mind:
"He’s still very creative. You can see where Lindsay got her drive and her talent. He has a few reality shows he wants to pitch - including one in which he and Lindsay are put on a desert island with Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson and their dads. We’ll be going along when he does that. We’ll be with him when he tries to ‘save’ some of his old Hollywood pals.
"And he’s got other ideas, like going out on Sunset Boulevard and giving a prostitute a hundred dollar bill - not for sex, but for her time so he can talk to her and try to save her. He wants to make things right with the world. And especially with his family."
Both of those shows sound pretty sweet to me. When I think of responsible members of society who don't want to bone their daughters, Joe Simpson and Crazy Daddy Lohan are the first two that come to mind, so putting them on a desert island alone with their daughters sounds like a good thing to try. And trying to convert prostitutes into born agains sounds like riveting television. I'm going to pitch a show to E! that involves me following the prostitutes that got the gospel and the cool $100 cash from the CDL, and then watch them spend it on crack while they are blowing the CDL in a dark alley somewhere. Anyhoo - I can't believe this glorious event snuck up on me. We will keep you posted on all things CDL in the coming days, weeks, FOREVER! HE'S FREE AT LAST!
Source via MollyGood
Remember that day I was bored and went on and on about nipples? Other than that being totally awesome, I made a point about bloggers getting all riled up about Nip Slips, and posting anything that comes close to one. Case and point, today with Beyonce. I went to this blog to see what was going on, and it promised a Beyonce Nip Slip! I love a good Nip Slip as much all of you, so I took the bait and went inside the jump. This is what I got:
What the shit is that? It's not like I really even want to see Beyonce's nipples. But if I'm promised a Beyonce Nip Slip, I want to see that ho's nipples! I don't want to see her chest and a partial side boob, which is what we have here. I've seen more of Beyonce's boobs on the Today Show. People need to cool out with their empty promises of naked celebrities. We at TGG promise to only show true nip/wang/vag slips, none of this "we wish we were seeing a boob/wang/vagina so here is a chest/midriff/thigh for you". Exploiting celebrities at their most embarrassing, accidental moments - That's the way of Two Girls and a Gay!!!
Since Avril Lavigne decided to get all girly there has been a void just dying to be filled. Who will be our fake punk princess now??? Well, lucky for all of us (except for you dudes who used to want to bone her) Scarlett Johansson has stepped up to the plate, nose ring and all, and decided to change her glam look into...this. While I think she didn't need to go fixing something that wasn't broken, I am happy that she made this decision, simply because she looks gross and that makes me feel better about myself.
EDIT: I was wondering if these photos were old. And it turns out that they are. Well, they are according to an anonymous commenter, which is good enough for me. I'm leaving this up anyway - because I am lazy (hence this going up in the first place without me really checking up on it), and because she does look gross, there's no denying that, and even if they are 5 year old photos - I'm still happy about her looking like an a-hole. Thanks Anonymous!
Louis Vuitton creative director, Marc Jacobs, has checked himself into rehab. Marc was sober for seven year before he relasped sometime this year. He wanted to nip it in the bud before things spiraled out of control. This totally has to do with his rent a boy jason preston (inset with that hideous tattoo) They broke up earlier this year, but once Tina hits the system, its hard to quit. We wish you good journey in your endeavours, please come back in time for the Spring/Summer 2008. I cannot get enough of Louis Vuitton. Hugs and Kisses.. TGG
Apparently some people believed Snoop Dogg when a couple years ago he got really high and tried to tell everyone he had quit smoking pot. Come on folks, this is Snoop we are talking about. When he was born he "rapped" up the umbilical cord in some papers and smoked it.
The D-O-Double-Giz-ee was arrested last night in Stockholm on his way to an after party to meet up with Diddy, who he has a European tour with. Snoop and a lady friend were taken away by Swedish authorities on suspicion of narcotic use.
"He underwent some tests that will now be sent away for analysis," said the spokesman. "In two to three weeks, we'll know if he was on something."
Do they really need an investigation? The playa likes smokin' trees and you don't need 2-3 hours to figure that out.
When Snoop was asked to comment, all he said was
Oh hell to the no, whats wrong with being a fat girl? I, being a girl of weight issues, think that it is so gay of them to do this to a Jennifer Hudson who is a hero to fat girls all around the world. Please put the fat girl back on the cover of the dvd. I know no one is gonna believe she is that skinny.
Page Six is reporting that the used-to-be-fatty-now-oh-so-thin-and-popular DJ AM & Mandy Moore have called it quits. They were dating for about 5 seconds. Here's hoping that stupid celebrities stop dating DJ AM all together, and he quietly fades into the realm of the forgotten. Of course, I hope he becomes wildly depressed before we finally get to forget about him, and gains back all of the weight that he had cut out of his stomach. Who am I kidding? You know that if he did end up depressed, he'd turn to drugs instead of food and end up weighing a nice 83 lbs. instead of his current manly weight of 96 lbs. Cocaine: The Detroit Diet! Air Supply, please ease the dull pain: