Friday, March 9, 2007

Spring Love

IT'S SPRING BITCHES! Okay, it's not officially spring until March 20, but it feels like Spring to me, so TGG will be celebrating Spring this weekend. How will we be celebrating Spring, you ask? By not blogging, of course! So, it will be pretty much the same as every weekend around here, only with Stevie B. Have a great weekend, y'all! And for the love of God, please Spring Forward your clocks this Sunday, or I think the world might explode. Now I must go show my bearded clam this video by Stevie B. I hope my co-workers aren't offended when I hold my vagina up to my computer screen for 4:53.

Madonna helps an Asian, neglects son.

Here is Madonna looking like Missy Elliot. Beep Beep! Who got da keys to da Jeep, Madonna? Just make sure to buckle little David up this time.

H&M released 2 commercials for the clothing line by Madonna that will hit stores on March 22nd. I think this is supposed to be making fun of the fashion industry...or something? Actually, I have no fucking clue what is going on in the long or short version of this commercial. H&M just took it too deep for me, man. Can someone call Criss Angel? I'm pretty sure this H&M commercial just MindFreaked me. Take a look at the long version, below, and then click here to see the short version. I think Madonna wants to have sex with the Asian girl, and that is why the white girl has a single tear at the end...but again, I have no idea.

Khaldia on my mind...

After receiving several emails from some of our readers, it has been brought to my attention that very few people know much, if anything at all about my dear homeland of Khaldia. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a Mexi. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Mexicanas, but there is a big difference between a liquor store and a bodega if ya know what I mean... and I'm not just talking about the 15 illegal immigrants that are living in the bodega's basement. Since all I've known my whole life is the ways of Khaldia, allow me to enlighten you with some of its history.

Many years ago, Asia kicked Khaldia out of its continent. No one knows why for sure, but I have heard several times it has something to do with not sharing curry recipes. Luckily, Khaldia, lead by its top scholar, Oiiley Ganoosh (the Capital is named after him) landed a prime spot not too far away from Iraq, where many of Khaldia's own have been said to have migrated from or at least at one point swam in a puddle of oil there. Khaldia also had the good fortune of relocating next to The United States. Khaldia made a deal with the US that the people, known today as Chaldeans, would be allowed in the country so long as they primarily migrated to one area (Detroit), dealt with being treated like savages accused of terrorism and crooks who rip people off, and as long as the only work they sought out was running liquor stores or gas stations. Oh America, thank you again for your wonderful offer. Below is a map of present day Khaldia and it has been enlarged for your viewing pleasure.
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My sweet Khaldia, isn't she a beaut? To learn more about the people of this fine land, go here or you may contact me directly for more information!

Jared Leto: Douche or Not-A-Douche

I'm sure many of you are probably thinking, "WHAAA? JARED LETO? Obviously he is a DOUCHE!" But maybe some people don't think that, I don't know. Isn't that what we do this for? So, for once and for all - let us decide if Jared Leto is really the douchebag that we all know he is.

Let's just get this out of the way: Jared Leto played Jordan Catalano and while that doesn't mean that he was Jordan Catalano, it still gets him a lone vote of Not-A-Douche

Jared Leto is in a unbelievably terrible band called "30 Seconds to Shit", and even his fans won't catch his douchey ass when he attempts to stage dive. Douche

Jared Leto wants to take a baseball bat and smash your face in if you don't like his band. While I can respect his rage, I can't respect his band. Douche

There is an entire series of fat vs. skinny Leto pictures like the one pictured above, promoting the movie that allowed him to give his herp to Lindsay Lohan. One critic reviewed Chapter 27 by saying "It's like a feature-length version of De Niro's 'You talkin' to me' speech from Taxi Driver -- only without Scorsese, Schrader or De Niro." Regardless of how bad the movie is, I like these pictures because it makes Leto look like that creepy guy on the sex offender list that lives in my neighborhood. I also like this picture of a fat Leto doing a jig:

But not even that delightful jig can save Leto. Douche

I really think Jared Leto might be at least mildly retarded. He is always having unprovoked, life-threatening outbursts targeting anyone that is within arms reach at the time(including bloggers, what a douche). Besides us bloggers, no one seems to notice or care. It's like when the kid with tourettes starts screaming nonsense, and his mom just taps him on his head and gives everyone that "So Sorry...he doesn't know what he's saying" look. My argument for Leto's mental state is also strenghtened by this:

But, until it is confirmed by a doctor that there is something mentally wrong with him, he's still a DOUCHE (who am I kidding, I'll probably still make fun of him even if that was true)

I'm really doing this just to see if there is anything that can redeem this DOUCHE. Is there anyone in this world who thinks he's Not-A-Douche? If you like "30 Seconds to Mars", your opinions are not wanted here. Make your arguments for or for Leto's the comments!!!

Reynolds & The Ass: New Couple?

Fresh off his breakup with Alanis, Ryan Reynolds makes a serious upgrade by going on a date with Jessica Biel. Apparently, she likes headbands, so I expect to see many-a-dude sporting this look in the near future. Judging from how many male bloggers get an e-boner from Jessica Biel's ass, I can't imagine this look would be "too gay" for a straight male if it meant that Jessica Biel would touch their real boner. Sports headbands don't count, unless they look as sweet as this.

A couple more pics here.

Another reason to hate the French

Does anyone know who that dude on the right is? A show of hands, please. No one knows who that is? Well, everyone, meet Francois-Henri Pinault. Francois is a businessman who has knocked up and will soon be married to Salma Hayek. This really upsets me. I'm not a dude, or a lesbian, but no one can deny the crazy hotttness of Salma Hayek. That latina and her titties can get any guy in the entire world, and she chooses him??? She clearly does not deserve her body. That bitch could be running the world right now if she played her cards right. World Emperor Hayek could demand all sorts of ridiculous things like "The new world currency will be cheese!" and everyone would be say, "THAT IS MADNESS!" and then World Emperor Hayek would just need to flash one single boob and suddenly we'd be paying for our cheese with cheese. Even though she's been seen looking like this lately:

It doesn't matter. Everyone still wanted to do her until she went for the worst possible option available to her. Okay, maybe this guy is worse:

But right after him it's the French guy she picked. Here's hoping the unborn Hayek spawn has a bit more sense, and a just as fabulous rack. Even if it's a boy. Oh yeah, CONGRATULATIONS!!!



How cute! Tony Parker thinks he can rap!

R.I.P. Notorious B.I.G.

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the untimely death of Notorious B.I.G. To remember him, you should bump these jams in your cubicle. If you work in a predominantly white office, this will hopefully scare your boss into giving you a raise, or hopefully at least not giving you shit for the rest of the day. The video above, Juicy, is the non-censored version. Lots of swears and lots of N's - so play that shit loud. If you are too scared and/or racist - here's another video by Biggie, directed by Spike Jonze, so it's totally "indie" too. If your work is a dick and won't let you watch these videos, you can go here to buy the greatest hits album that Bad Boy has released to celebrate the life of Christopher Wallace.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Andy Roddick Balls

Andy Roddick wants to make some money off of more than just playing tennis. He has designed his own tennis balls and this is him promoting them...

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Trying to be different from the traditional neon yellow ones were used to seeing, Roddick's version comes in either Blue Balls or Sweaty Balls, as seen above. Andy Roddick Balls are expected to go on sale soon and not even he can keep his hands off of them!


Greatest Ad Ever?

Great Food? Oh yeah, here at River City Bagels...we got that.

Free WiFi? You bet your sweet, bagel loving ass we have that too!

Fun Atmosphere? I can't think of anything more fun than a Bagel Shop, can you?

Vagina Bagels? Obviously.


Perfection in White

Just when you thought you could sleep easy again, Star Jones is back with a new show on Court TV. Who the hell knows what this show is going to be about, all I know is, I'm looking forward to becoming an full fledged alcoholic again. Take one look at Star and then tell me you don't need to drink 3 bottles of wine before the bone crushing terror of the mere sight of her leaves you, and you can finally fall asleep again.

Her HAIR is even terrified of her! It's running for the back of her head!


It's really a lose-lose situation.

The NY Daily News reports during the drunken tirade Brandon Davis put on at Paris Hilton's recent birthday bash, he slurred racist and sexual remarks towards Paula Abdul. Apparently he was harassing Paula about her middle eastern heritage and even began speaking in Arabic gibberish, causing the American Idol judge to leave... don't worry, she still got drunk. Oddly enough, Davis is part terrorist too. He uses his mother's maiden name, Davis, instead of his father, Nebil Zarif's name. Someone should tell Brandon Davis looking like a cousin of Saddam Hussein
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and still being linked to oil even after you denounce your father's name doesn't mean people won't know this about you, unless they are blind.
Being from Khaldia though, this situation is very troubling for reasons beyond Davis' idiotic, practically self-racist attack. Not only do we have to be associated with all the terrorists in the world, but now we have to also be reminded that we are all also related to both Paula Abdul and Brandon Davis. Sure, the racism is wrong, that sucks too, but its not even worth getting mad about. Do we really want to defend this
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I know we can be bad people sometimes but the sad representation is really getting to be unfair. I mean, throw in Tony Shaloub in the discussion and I'm strapping the bomb to myself. Fo reals.

Can Someone Please Explain?

After a long night of pale skinned partying, all the while managing not to change her clothes once in 3 days, Kirsten Dunst realizes that her and her frat boys are out of condoms! That's what happens when you let some Hawaiian douchebags bang you six ways from Sunday. Kirsten and Tab decide to scrounge through the garbage to find a used condom that they can re-use. Just rinse that shit out first! Way to Go Green, Kirsten!

Anyone else got a different idea as to what the hell is going on here? Leave your the comments! Ew, and put some shoes on Kirsten!

Michael Helps the Children

"Excited" "Fans" of Michael Jackson lined up with their wallets out in Tokyo. "Fans" of the "King of Pop" paid $3,400 for a ticket to an exclusive VIP event with the "star". Can someone tell me how all these children at the orphanage scrounged up $3,400 a piece? OH! Michael made a special visit to them? For free!?!?! How kind, generous, and not-creepy of him!


White Chicks & Gang Signs

This is one of the many, many reasons I'm glad I'm black.

via BWE

Phil Me Up!

Yes, I know Girl #1 already mentioned the great news about Genesis reuniting for a tour. On September 30, 2007 they will be at the Palace of Auburn Hills. And so, because I only have 205 days left to prepare for my reunion with Phil, I feel the need to share my love with all of you..

Oh Phil, how can I be mad about that Tarzan crap when I picture you singing to me..
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Or when you will be physically violated by me on Sept 30th when you visit with these other guys...
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So please answer the phone, cuz I keep calling, but you're never home
What am I gonna do
Tonight, tonight, tonight
I'm gonna make it right
Tonight, tonight, tonight.
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Because tonight, tonight, tonight
We're gonna make it right
Tonight, tonight, tonight.
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i love you.

Drew wishes she was still small

Hi Guys! Remember me! I was that little girl you wanted to do the deed with when you were watching E.T. as a child! Okay, maybe you didn't want to do me when I was in E.T., but you definitely considered it after you saw my boobies in "Mad Love". Well, I'm all grown up now! But even though, I'm over 30, I'll still dress up as a child when you bone me to fulfill that pedophile fetish you are ever so embarrassed about! Look at me with this gigantic bear!

How delightfully naughty I am! I bet I'd give you dudes a boner if it all my whoring around in the 80's & 90's wasn't so well known. want me to hold this picture over my face while you do me?

Well...allllriiight! You obviously get where I was trying to go with this! Let me call Cameron and we'll get this party started! She'll play Elliot, and you have to dress up as E.T. - sorry, that's just how I roll.


Blues Traveler, Loggins & Collins - Oh my!

Today, it seems there is an abundance of news about bands/artists you may not care about at all. Well, here at TGG there is no such thing as a celebrity we don't care about, so we're here to give you a quick run down on the lives of has-beens (and Kenny Loggins & Phil Collins, who we believe are still going strong! Would you consider that...wait for it...'What a Fool Believes'?)

He was fat, now he's...not as fat, and arrested! He's John Popper! From the band Blues Traveler! Remember that harmonica playing ska-hippie? He was arrested for driving 111 mph and they found the following in his car: weed, 4 rifles, 9 handguns, a switchblade knife, a taser, and night vision goggles. His vehicle was also equipped with flashing emergency headlights, a siren, and a public address system. Popper was gonna save us all in the event of a natural disaster (read: rapture) but you a-hole cops screwed that all up. I always envisioned the end times as me and my horde of gays hiding in my basement, being comforted by the sweet sounds of John Popper driving up and down the road, playing his harmonica and shooting his guns in the air. I guess it will have to remain a dream.


Kenny Loggins was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame!!!! No? He wasn't? Okay - Kenny Loggins gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!!!! No? What the hell is he doing then? Oh, I guess he was inducted into something called the Hollywood RockWalk, which is the poor man's "Rock & Roll Hall of Fame/Walk of Fame". It's okay, Loggins. You still rule my heart. And, you can thank Yacht Rock for any and all upcoming success.


And finally, as a "Welcome to the blog!" gift for Girl #2 -

GENESIS IS TOURING AGAIN! WITH PHIL COLLINS!!! Sans Peter Gabriel, but who needs Gabriel's sad bastard "I wish I was African" ass when you have PHIL COLLINS! The first Genesis album without Gabriel sold more than any previous Genesis album, so IN YOUR FACE GABRIEL! Girl #2 will be there, trying to sneak backstage and give Phil the ol' 'Chaldean Reacharound', so I hope you are in shape Phil. She doesn't eff around.


I need some love like i never needed love before...

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image via justjared

Posh Spice admits that she can't stand to be apart from her husband, David, for too long. When they are apart she sobs uncontrollably. Vicki says, "I can cope with everything else, but being away from David so much makes me break down. I just sit and cry and cry. I can’t wait to wake up with him. I miss him so much."

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Mmmhhmm girl, i feel the same way. I would never want to be away from that either.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Prince somehow confused for being gay

The Smoking Gun has 12 pages of complaints written to CBS regarding Prince and his wang-shadow halftime show. Some of the best bits are as follows:

My children were watching and now I have to explain to them what a wet spot is on a cum covered sheet"

Well that shouldn't be too hard. My guess is that the "wet spot" you "saw" is cum.

"It was obscene to show Prince, a HOMOSEXUAL person through a sheet...I am very offended and I would preffer not to have showed it to my 4 children who love football. One of them has hoped to be a quarterback and now he will turn out gay. I am actually considering to check him for HIV. Thanks CBS for turning my son GAY."

Before you ask, yes...that was a serious complaint.

"I find it highly unacceptable to have a family watching a sporting event only to find Prince stroking, manipulating, and fondleing his guitar behind the curtain. This image only made him look extremely large which made the rest of us feel small, and unable to preform this evening.

Ok...quick backtrack, where was I on Superbowl Sunday? Was I so wasted that I wrote fake complaints to the FCC? This can't be real...yet it is!

"He is holding a guitar and in the shadow it looks as though he has a large penis with pitchfork on the end"

You didn't know Prince had a devil wang?

"It's pathetic when you can't keep porn out of the superbowl, just because 6% of the population is gay"

ONLY 6%? Gays, you better get on the TV and make some more gays! You're almost extinct!

"God knows, I didn't turn on the superbowl expecting to be tricked into watching gay sex!"

It's what we call an "added bonus", sir.

Now that I think about it, I did write a letter to CBS and never heard anything...

Dear CBS,

I want to thank you personally for having Prince on your halftime show. I am a woman, and for the first time in my life I think I experienced this thing called a "She-Bone" that I've been reading about so much on the internets. I don't care to explain it all here. Just...Thank you.


Girl #1

via BWE

Firecrotch Returns with a Vengeance

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Photo from

I truly adore LiLo with red hair. This is the closest we will be getting to it. She is really going back to her slutty blonde. I think she thinks having blonde hair will make her skinny again. Remember at the height of her thinness, she was a blonde. Wow, blondes are really dumb.


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Wow she looks so much thinner....


Fergie Ferg: Joshy, could you be a doll and give me a wedgie? I really don't want tan lines, and I'm just too damn lazy to reach around and do it myself.

Josh Duhamel: *SIGH* AGAIN??? Fine. Can someone remind me why I'm dating you again?


Prepare for Glory

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This weekend is the opening of the highly anticipated 300. And you betcha it has a lot more skin and abs than Gladiator. The star of the film is my new obsession. He is just so manly and rough, I just want him to tie me up and do it to me sideways ahaha. I suggest you go see the movie on an imax screen. All the pecs and abs you can stand in one sitting the size of buildings!

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In this adaptation of Frank Miller's acclaimed graphic novel, Gerard Butler ('The Phantom of the Opera') stars as Leonidas, king of Sparta. In 481 B.C., Persian King Xerxes invaded Greece with a massive and seemingly invincible army of warriors. But once they reached the pass of Thermopylae in 480 B.C., they came upon King Leonidas with a determined group of 300 Spartan men, who engaged the Persian army for three days in a battle of epic proportions. The film will be shot in much the same manner as Miller's 'Sin City,' making extensive use of computer-generated imagery.


Did you ever see that episode of "Who's The Boss"?

Do you remember that episode of Who's the Boss where Tony and Sam are both vying for the same job as a baseball announcer? Sam & Tony both have to improvise when the camera pans to the sky, and Tony lies about how Sam was born on a baseball diamond, while all Sam can muster is "Let's just sit back, and let the picture tell the story"? NO? YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT EPISODE? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU WATCHING FROM 1984-1992? Well, needless to say, Tony got the job, but I like Sam's style and will ask you, dear readers, to sit back and let the picture tell the story when it comes to Toni Braxton and her corny toes:


Timbaland is a slave for Brit.

The mastermind behind such overplayed white girl tracks(but i still love em) such as, Promiscuous, Sexyback, and most recently the number one What Goes Around... wants to bring Britney into his coven of artists. But first he had to ask his downlow (refer to definition number 5) buttbuddy Justin Timberlake if it was okay. Justin replied in his pitched voice that it would be straight as long as she was serious! SERIOUS! And if she did get her work ethic back, you know all the white girls in the world will have a new anthem to dance horribly to.

EW reports that "Last year, Spears began working on a fifth studio album with an all-star team that included R&B singer-songwriter Ne-Yo (Beyoncé's ''Irreplaceable''), Dr. Luke (Kelly Clarkson's ''Since U Been Gone''), Sean Garrett (Usher's ''Yeah!''), Swedish producer Max Martin (''...Baby One More Time''), and Pharrell (''I'm a Slave 4 U''). Jive says the disc is about halfway done; an insider says it could be a year before the album is completed."

Becks Hurt.

This maybe old news to all of you. But i just wanted a reason to post this pic of my boyfriend's package.

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click for the bulge in its full HIGH RESOLUTION GLORY

My David suffered a potentially serious injury to his right knee Sunday, but the extent of the damage and its possible impact, if any, on his move to LA Galaxy this summer will not be known until after medical tests are performed today. But he can still hit it, if you know what I mean...mmhhmmm.

Look at me, Damien! It's all for you!

Here is newlywed Elizabeth Hurley and her son. Perhaps it is the white outfit, the rose gracefully grazing her son's face, or the fact that his name is Damien (her son's name is spelled DamiAN - but that A will not save you from THE BEAST!) - but this kid is reminding me of the original version of The Omen. Here is the original, demonic Damien:

If Hurley's DamiAN were shrouded in shadow, I'd bet we couldn't even tell them apart!

Look out Elizabeth! You could be dealing with this soon:

I think the theme of the blog today is "Kids are Jerks" because we surely are being mean to some kids today. Oh well.



Okay. I'm sorry Lourdes, but something needs to be said about those brows. We all knew they were bad, but...JESUS. I think that allowing your child to walk around like that is a form of child abuse, much like having your nanny palm little David's face. Madonna's kids are gonna be all sorts of screwed up. Someone get Lourdes some tweezers before the hair takes on a mind of its own and fully covers her entire nose. I don't even want to know what's wrong with David if they are covering his face up like that.