Friday, February 23, 2007

American Porn Idol!

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click for larger NSFW

This is Antonella Barba of American Idol fame sucking some underage wang. This girl is the worst singer out of the females and her ass got the pity vote this week and was saved. But now that these have leaked she is for sure gonna get the boot. Go here if you wanna see the rest of this mess.

Time is Running Out!



The deadline for post submissions to be the new Girl #2 is Wednesday, Feb. 28, 2007. Put down the bottle for a second and get your submissions in this weekend! Email us at twogirlsplusgay@gmail.com if you have any questions, and don't forget to go here for more details. Thanks!

Which Drew do you prefer?



VS.





Drew sported both of these looks while celebrating her 32nd birthday in Hawaii. Which Drew do you prefer? Frolicking & Fancy Free Bikini Drew? Or Towel Skirt, Windbreaker, Ray Bans Drew? I prefer the latter, obvs. What about you?

Ain't this some shit?



OMG! OMG! OMG!!! The Oscars are THIS SUNDAY! With all the B.Spears action this week, I almost forgot!! BWE directed me to this site which has posted 8 spoilers of the Oscar's telecast this year. Most of them are kind of lackluster, but one of them really got to me. According to that site, Oscar telecast producer Laura Ziskin has planned that each of the Dreamgirls -- Beyoncé, Jennifer Hudson, and Anika Noni Rose -- will sing each others' songs from the movie.

What.The.Eff? So, Beyonce was too tired of no one paying attention to her brilliant song "Listen", so now she's going to steal one of J. Hud's songs? What a dumb ho. I am secretly praying that she attempts "And I'm Telling You (I'm Not Going)", but she'll probably do something a bit easier like "Love you I do" since it was one of the songs nominated this year. If there is a God, please let Beyonce lip-sync that song, and have the tape mess up Milli Vanilli/Ashley Simpson style.

Also, I stand by my risky Oscar picks. There will be upsets and bloodshed at this year's broadcast, m'friends. Okay, maybe not bloodshed, but definitely upsets, and I totally called all of them.

Suri Cruise: A-Hole or Not-An-A-Hole?



I had previously stated that I was going to do Tyra Banks as this week's "Blank or Not-A-Blank". I was very excited about this, but as I was "researching" this topic, I found it difficult to come up with one word that meant "self-righteous, egotistical bitch". I also found that this was not a good choice due to the lack of debate. Everyone knows Tyra Banks is a self-righteous, egotistical bitch. She has never tried to hide that fact, she has actually built her empire based on that. The only two redeeming things about Tyra Banks is ANTM and the fact that she was in both "Higher Learning" and "Coyote Ugly" - two exceptionally great films.

No, I thought I would bring forth a challenge this week. Today, we decide the fate of a baby. I have the courage to ask the question that all of Hollywood has been murmuring about for the last 10 months; Is Suri Cruise an A-Hole? It's a simple question, really. Let's break it down:

Suri Cruise and Beck have something in common. They are both Scientologists by birth. Sucks to be them, because that makes them both - A-Holes

There is that faint possibility that Tom Cruise is not the father of Suri Cruise - and that Chris Klein is actually the father. You know Tom Cruise can't father anything. Not-An-A-Hole

Suri Cruise was being a total diva when she made the world wait 5 months before we saw pictures of her. Contrary to what you may have heard, that was her call. A-Hole

At 10 months, Suri Cruise has the kind of hair that most people only dream of. And while it seems like she may be a little too 'in my face' with said hair, I can't knock her just because I'm jealous. Not-An-A-Hole

Hmmm...see! This one is harder than it looks. And if you're scared to call a baby an A-Hole, don't be. It's actually quite liberating. I'm gonna call every baby I see this weekend an A-Hole just for fun, and I suggest you do the same. Unless it is your own personal baby...then maybe hold off. But this baby is fair game. Take that Katie Holmes, we're about to find out if your baby is an A-Hole! Leave your deep thoughts, in the comments!

Greatest Poster Ever?



Before these go up, someone please warn the entire city of Boston that a laser-shooting fry man isn't really going to come and destroy their city. The same cannot be said, however, about the chainsaw-wielding meatwad. He's gonna fuck shit up. I can't wait for this movie.

Source

Want to see the guy from Of Montreal's wang?

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Sure you do! It's a wang! You know how we love to show you wang on this site - even if it is only marginally famous wang. Start your Friday off with some wang by clicking on the photo above. NSFW, if you must be told.

Source - also NSFW, has one more wang shot.

Who is this guy, and is they bonin'?



On Feb. 19, Lindsay Lohan and a mystery man went to get some ice cream. Then Lohan appeared on Star Tracks today, wearing the same awful spider hat:



This obviously means that they are in love, or at least having sex. Young love often inspires many bad choices, such as wearing a stupid hat, or getting pregnant. My question is, who is this guy that could possibly be the father of the yet-to-be-conceived Lohan spawn? Anyone have any ideas?

Joss Stone doesn't like it when you watch her puke.



British people are pissed at Joss Stone. First, she was shunned at the Brit awards for taking with a "ludicrous LA drawl". She tried to do some damage control by appearing on a radio show to talk about how hard it is to be a celebrity. The 19 year old pissed and moaned like so:

“I don’t have any time to hang out with anybody. I know people work hard. They wake up early, go to work and come home. I don’t do that, it doesn’t happen."


That quote made Brits everywhere give one big "Hell to the no!" to this barefooted "star". However, this little quote from The Sun is what caught my eye:

She griped about how celebs have to give up their “health and happiness” and explained to Moyles why her life is harder than her fans’.

She said: “You’ve just puked, you feel fat. It’s one of those days. Imagine that, and add people outside your home.”


I know what you're saying, girl. It's hard out here for a bulimic. All you want to do is spew in the privacy on your own home, and walk around barefoot in it, and you got all these paparazzi all up in your face. And worst of all, after you've just puked, you still totally feel fat. As singer Monica (who has had her own share of problems recently) so eloquently put it in the 90's..Joss Stone's possible bulimia should simply be attributed to being "just one of dem days". How else is she expected to fit in those fabulously tight, flowered pants, pictured above?

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Germans will not appreciate this.



Here is Hilary Swank in a garbage bag wrapped in electric tape at the "Freedom Writers" photocall in Berlin, Germany. I hope she is surrounded by a pack of angry Germans (is there really any other kind?...) and i hope they pummel her for coming to their country looking like this. Also, I'm a bit tired of pockets on dresses. At first, I thought it was cute, but now I'm just convinced that these stars are using the pocket to get a quick 'flick of the vag' in to relax them on the red carpet. While I'm sure this news excites you fellas, it just makes me feel weird. Take the pocket on this dress, worn by Monica Cruz (Penelope's sister). If that front pocket wasn't designed for some hand-on-bearded clam action, I don't know what is...

Crappin' out an egg.



Because we all need a little something to distract us from Britney Spears today, I give you Eagle Man Car Insurance...or whatever the hell this commercial is for. Ad Freak tells me that this commercial has been airing in Chicago for years. So thank you, fair windy city, for giving me this to look at. I truly find it much more entertaining than Britney Spears. Although, I do keep waiting for crazy Britney to run into every you tube video I watch today...kind of like how John Ritter got stuck in the TV in the movie Stay Tuned.

Is this a man?



The theme for the day must be "Bitches who terrify me", because here is another one. What the hell is going on with Serena Williams? I don't think anyone's eyebrows grow in naturally that way, so she must have taken a extra thick marker and just drew them on. Yikes. Someone hold me, 2/22 is too scary for me today.

My last Britney post of the day...I promise, y'all.


Hi, I'm Britney Spears, and I'M MAD!


RRRAAAAWWRRR!!! I'M SO MAD, I'LL KILL YOUR CAR WITH MY SUPER-POWERED UMBRELLA!!!


*SIGH* I broke my umbrella, y'all. Anyone got another? Anyone?


Boo. Now I'm sad.


Fuck this, I'm going to the bar...Sean Preston, you coming? Sean Pre- Aww, fuck it...you can find your own ride, you stupid baby.

END SCENE.

For a few more pictures, go here.

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before



I'm going to make a trilogy of films detailing Britney Spears' many trips to the 'Hab. Ms. Spears goes to Rehab, Britney Spears 2: Back in the re-habit, and Britney-ator 3: Rise of the Rehab. Yes, folks SHE IS BACK IN REHAB -- AGAIN! Phew! Hopefully my break from Britney will finally be at hand. But, we know how this goes. She goes in, she realizes that you can't drink or do drugs in rehab - and once she's smoked a pack of cigarettes within the first 10 minutes of being there, the nicotine buzz wears off and she's just got to get the H out of rehab. This time, it sounds like she is going back in because of that custody hearing that K-Fed arranged. Yeah, that's been called off now that she's back in, but good news...K-Fed's got the kids! Wait, that is awful news...I think a nanny with murdering stubs for hands could do a better job raising those kids then either of those two. Let's hope she stays in, for my sake, y'alls. I can't keep up with this ho!

This just in: After seeing this, I'm even more terrified of Britney, and I didn't think that was possible:

Sometimes I'm scared of you



Armed with a chihuahua, lighter, credit card, and a journal - Britney has taken it to the streets. If you are in the LA area, lock up your children, take a sick day, don't let the dog out...protect yourself from the wigged madness of Britney Jean Spears. Britney has apparently attempted suicide twice, first by trying to walk into oncoming traffic, and then by threatening to take a bunch of pills. X17 is reporting that Britney took off the gloves, and the wig, and rolled up to K-Fed's house last night:



She really should rock the bald look a bit more. Bitch looks much more dangerous and fueled by rage when she is bald. She attempted to reach Kevin Federline thrice at his home, but to no avail. Then she turned her rage on the paparazzi, grabbing an umbrella and hitting their car.

Perhaps Britney wants to talk to Kevin about the emergency custody hearing he has called, that is scheduled to take place today. Kevin, I would be careful about how you handle this, man. Britney's rage is off the radar right now, and she could probably destroy you in a moments time. Is anyone else as terrified of Britney as I am right now? Maybe all she needs is time...and a straight jacket.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Diana Ross on Inside the Actor's Studio



Here is an end of the day math equation for you. What do you get when you take the craziness of Britney, add the diva-ness of Beyonce, and multiply by the drug fueled mess of Anna Nicole Smith? Give up? You get the video above, Diana Ross on Inside the Actor's Studio. I'm so glad that I didn't waste my time watching the whole show, because Four Four did a great job of selecting the best parts, and Popbytes did a great job of pointing it out to me. The part about the orange is my favorite.

It's Turkelton!



Here is Turk from "Scrubs", aka Donald Faison, at the GM Ten Fashion show. You can go here if you want to see a bunch of pictures from the fashion show including Jennifer Hudson, Ashton & Demi, and stars from "Grey's Anatomy" and "Heroes" working the red carpet.

Or, if you want to see something totally amazing, you can go here. This website called "The Todd Time" was launched after last week's episode of "Scrubs", after Todd was seen wearing a T-Shirt that said thetoddtime.com. When Turk asked him what it was all about, The Todd said "You'll thank me later". Boy, was he right. In case the site takes a while to load, here is the video. Beware, it is slightly NSFW - and you might want to turn your speakers down a bit:



If you aren't watching "Scrubs", maybe now you will.

Dude looks like a lady...seriously.



Steven Tyler is really starting to freak me out. First, he was looking a lot like Gollum. Then, he was eating some poor girl's face. And now, he's wrapped up in some man hug with designer Roberto Cavalli, and he looks like he's just got 80 gallons of botox injected into his face. Forget about Britney, someone needs to stage an intervention with this guy, immediately.

Angela Bassett's dad tried to french her



That is not a joke, according to Angela Bassett, her dad tried to kiss her with his tongue. MSNBC reports:

Angela Bassett didn’t have an easy relationship with her father. The “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” star saw her father only sporadically when she was growing up, but once she when once she got into college, made an effort to spend more time with him. The visits didn’t go well. Once, he offered her marijuana and, on another visit, instead of a fatherly kiss good-bye kiss, he stuck his tongue in her mouth, the star told More magazine.” When he did that, I was just angry, and angry at myself that I didn’t slap the [bleep] out of him,” Bassett told he mag. Instead, she decided to use the experience when she needed to conjure up anger in future acting gigs. “Use it;” she thought. “I can’t undo it.”


If she didn't slap the bleep out of him, I wonder how she did react. "I think it's very flattering, father, that you want to make out with me, but I respectfully decline your advances". This is why I carry a 12 inch blade with me at all times, just in case my dad ever tries to make out with me. So if you're reading this, daddy, the answer is still no.

Source

Britney to Rehab: "Naw, Brah" AGAIN!



I'm checking into Rehab. I need to learn how to cleanse myself from Britney Spears addiction. I can't keep up with this ho! Entertainment Tonight is reporting that she has checked out of Rehab. I think Britney thinks the "One day at a time" thing actually just means "One day" and you are cured. Someone should inform her that it doesn't quite work like that. But before we go jumping the gun here, we need to remember how rehab in Hollywood works. Apparently, you can come and go as you please, so maybe she's just going on a milk and meth run. She'll probably be back in there later on today. We'll keep you posted.

Tyra Banks Sucks.



It's official. I hate Tyra Banks. She might be this week's Blank or Not-A-Blank, because I'm interested to hear what y'all think of her. I have never seen a photo so unbelievably airbrushed in all of my life. Way to be proud of how you look, Tyra. I feel like my Tyra Banks posts are rambling, incoherent messes because she kind of enrages me to a level that I am not comfortable with. So I will just leave you with another airbrushed photo of Tyra, and try to collect my thoughts for Friday. Stay tuned.



More Here.

Leather jumpsuits, so hot right now.



If you made the poor, poor decision to wear this one sad day in 1999, would you draw attention back to it? That's exactly what Victoria Beckham has done. Posh talked to The Mirror about this outfit, prompting bloggers to track down the photographic evidence of her major fashion faux pas. If I were Victoria, and someone asked me about my biggest fashion mishap, I would say "Are you f-ing kidding me? I'm Victoria Beckham...I came out the womb dangerously thin and in high heels!" Then I would take my 6 inch heel off and beat the interviewer senseless. I most certainly would not bring the focus back to a look that made me recall (to my dismay) the film "Exit to Eden" starring Dan Aykroyd and Rosie O'Donnell.



You know Posh and David still put on those outfits and make hot, leathery sex with each other...mmmm...their sex smells like burgers.

Stay Strong Britney



Is it just me, or does Britney look tough with her new (lack of) hair? The shaved head coupled with her recent countless acts of insanity make me fear Britney a little bit. The Daily Mail has the latest developments of Britney's trip to rehab, or as i like to call it, Rehab 2: The Reckoning. Everyone who barely new Britney is coming out with some idea as to why she's crazy. Someone said she shaved her head because she had lice, others are talking about all the drugs she's done...I'm most interested in this extremely large "cigarette" that Britney is smoking at rehab, pictured above. It looks like she is shooting a spit-wad at the guy standing next to her, which makes me happy because it means she's still crazy. DON'T LET THEM BREAK YOU, BRITNEY! The only good that will come of Britney regaining her sanity is that she will film another Dateline exclusive and tell us all the crazy shit that really went on during this time. Until then, I'm going to root for her to stay crazy as long as possible.

Is they bonin'?



Sick. The Sun is reporting that Rumer Willis (daughter of Bruce & Demi) was all up on Fall Out Boy's closeted homo Pete Wentz. They would make the most repulsive child in the world if they were to procreate. What do you think it would look like?

A)

B)

C)

D)

Leave your guesses in the comments!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Britney Spears 2: Back in the re-habit.



TMZ is reporting that Britney Spears is back in rehab. How long will it last this time? Will she be a constant "outpatient" like La Lohan? What will happen to the kinders? These are all questions you may have, if you cared...I on the other hand, am distracted by the greatness of my headline. I've been waiting for a way to work Sister Act 2 into the blog somehow since I started this damn thing, and I couldn't dream of a better opportunity. Sister Act 2 is one of the best movies of all time, and I suggest that we all forget about Britney and her "problems" and think about the groundbreaking brilliance of the motion picture "Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit". For you fans of great cinema, this is for you. Perhaps if Britney keeps her eye on the sparrow, she will realize that there ain't no mountain high enough to keep K-Fed from getting her kids if she doesn't get her shit together. Hopefully this try at rehab will be better for Ms. Spears, and she can rejoice in her oh, happy day.



This video is subtitled in Japanese or some shit. Also, one of the comments on you tube for the video is by someone called XxGloomyTearsXx and they said:

"I always admired black people for their voice. It`s abolutly awesome!"


And that, my friends, is why I love the internets.

Anna Nicole: Yep, still was crazy...



Above you will find a video of Anna Nicole, high as shit (on probabably a combination of meth, trimspa, and I don't know...live ants?), pregnant at the time, in clown makeup, being videotaped by Howard K. Stern. Bitches...we already knew that she was crazy as hell, which is why this video does not surprise me in the least. You could have a video of Anna Nicole farting the national anthem while pouring a milkshake into her vagina and I would just shrug my shoulders and say "Well...it figures!", because the bitch was crazy. The only reason I am posting this is to show the similarities between ANS high, and Britney high. They are one in the same, people. They both had me at "HUH?...HUH?"

Baby Mama Drama

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You thought this only happened with black folk and country bumpkin...well it doesn't! Let's recap for all ya'll who don't know what it is. Well Mister Tom Brady was with Bridget 'Idiot Stick Figure With No Soul' Moynahan for three long years. They broke up late December. Now Tom is bumpin' uglies with Gisele (definite upgrade). Well now it appears that Bridget is preggers and that is the reason why Tom dumped her ass. Doesn't this sound like a total after school special about the football QB getting the head cheerleader knocked up and then dumping her for her nemesis. Oh how i love high school drama with bank accounts. So, Bridge goes public about the fetus in hopes of getting her mans back. Smart move! Ahhh sweet hetero love. What shall Tom do? Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of celebrity lives.

Black Snake Awesome.

If you have not seen the trailer for Black Snake Moan yet, I beg of you to watch below. Beware, the sheer awesomeness of this movie may be too much to handle before lunch, you might want to come back to this one later...



Okay, so now you know that this movie is about some ho, played by Christina Ricci, who gets chained to a radiator by a black man, Samuel L. Jackson, who wants to teach her how to love herself (possibly in front of him, while being chained to the radiator...HOT!). Here is Christina Ricci at the premiere of Black Snake Moan:



Okay, you're not looking half-bad, Christina Ricci. But let's look at how Samuel L. Jackson rolled up to the premiere:



I think Samuel L. has a better idea of how to relate to the types of people that will go see the movie. Christina Ricci is out promoting this movie, trying to convince people that it is going to be legitimately good, while Samuel L. clearly knows that the only people who are going to see this movie are people like me, who appreciate a man dressed like that, and who also think that it is insanely awesome that there is a movie about a slut chained to a radiator by a black man. The movie comes out this Friday...all I wanna know is...who's coming with me???

Girl #1's thoughts on Karl Lagerfeld



Every time I see Karl Lagerfeld (pictured above with Chan Marshall of Cat Power), I don't just puke a little in my mouth...I full-on violently spew, but somehow manage to keep it all in my mouth. It's really difficult. I have to keep my trap shut ever so tightly, so no spew will come trickling out...because I'm usually at work on the computer when I see him, and I can't just go puking everywhere. So then, I have to swallow all of the chunks that are in my mouth...which usually makes me puke more, and I go through this about 4-5 times before I realize that all I have to do is close the browser, and I won't have to look at him anymore. I also think a little piece of me dies each time I see him, but that's another story. What is wrong with this guy? And why is the fucker always wearing sunglasses? I think that he is a walking Pez dispenser, and until he dies and we can crank back his head to get the candy, it is coming out of the sockets where his eyes used to be. So he can't just go around without his sunglasses on, because everyone would be coming up to him, asking for Pez. Well played, Lagerfeld. However, I may puke less if I saw little rectangular candy coming from where your eyes used to be. Especially if it was cherry flavored.

How does Josh Hartnett celebrate Black History Month?



By making a black man push a cart with one suitcase on it around for him at the airport, obvs. You can't push that cart yourself, Hartnett? Better yet, you can't CARRY YOUR ONE BAG? Not even in FEBRUARY??? Josh Hartnett is banned from celebrating Fat Tuesday. Yeah, I just made that call.

Source

I'm Fat, and it's Tuesday!



I have a group of friends who, to my absolute delight, introduced me to their way of celebrating the greatest "holiday" of all time: Fat Tuesday. Traditionally, Fat Tuesday is a celebration just before Lent - or that's what they tell me, and by they, I mean Wikipedia. I'm not Catholic, and I don't live in New Orleans, so I never really paid much attention to this holiday. Then my friends taught me their way of celebrating. Basically, you just eat a bunch of food. It's called I'm Fat, and it's Tuesday!, and it is the one day that all of us should feel free to indulge in whatever our little hearts desire, and not worry about it! This logic works for me, because I like food. Today I've already had 3 large pizzas, a gallon of ice cream, 16 girl scout cookies, and a Big Mac. I feel like one of the fat babies on Maury, but I'm not worried! Enjoy your Fat Tuesday, everyone!

It just keeps getting worse...



Just when you think, "Ok - This shit has gone on long enough...someone will stop Britney now, right? RIGHT?!?", it just doesn't happen. Britney's career reminds me of a dead, beached whale that needs to be blown up so I don't have to see it anymore:



Oh, you think I'm being too harsh? Did you hear what The Daily Mail had to say about Britney's latest venture out into the world? First, she tried to book a room, but she did not have an ID or credit card, so she tried to give the concierge a piece of paper with a partial credit card number on it. Then, she tried to shave her friggin' legs IN THE POOL!!! All the while she kept muttering "Nobody wants me anymore". You're right, bitch! No one wants you. So why don't you go back to Spearsville, where the currency is acorns, swimming pools are just big bathtubs, and oh yes, everyone is bald and completely insane, just like you!

Unfortunately, you are the only resident of Spearsville, but I'm sure Michael Jackson will stop by, as well as the dearly departed Anna Nicole. Yes, Britney, Anna Nicole will fly down from heaven with wings made from chocolate and methadone, and she will scoop you up from this cold, cruel world, and take you to a place where no one will judge you for wanting to shave your legs in a g.d. pool. You and Anna will skip hand-in-hand through a peaceful meadow where only good paparazzi photos are taken, and then you will swim together in the pool full of your shaved leg and pubic hair (because you know she wasn't going to stop at the legs, let's be honest here), and then, sweet Anna Nicole will lay you down, Britney, and make sweet, lesbian love to you - just how you like it.

Yes, folks...until that lovely fantasy (which, disturbingly, could also double as a commercial for Britney's fragrance: Fantasy) becomes a reality, we unfortunately will be subjected to many, many more shocking twists in Britney's sad life. Thank God it's Fat Tuesday and I can numb the pain by eating Paczki's until I die. Peace out, y'all.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Today is President's Fugly Day!



Today, I urge all celebrities to follow the example of Charlize Theron. Has there been a look you've been dying to try? Do you want to dye your hair pink, wear fur, or just leave your house wearing nothing but crocs and pore minimizing mask? Fucking do it, because today is the only day that you can get away with it. Even when you look like this:




Yes, normally radiant Charlize Theron, even when you look like this...people will say, "Well...at least she didn't shave her head!". So go crazy, celebrities! Let's see what you got! Normally the more fabulous twin, Ashley Olsen tries something different, and by different I mean a pinkish fur coat:



ALL TOGETHER NOW: "At least she didn't shave her head!"

Charlize Source, Olsen Source.