Saturday, February 17, 2007

Are you America's Next Top Blogger?

Two Girls and a Gay is looking for a Girl #2. Do you think you have what it takes to become America's Next Top Blogger? If so, email 2 or 3 "sample entries" to The length and style of the posts is up to you. But we only have one photo in our hands...


Do I have to be a girl?

Yes. You must be a female. Sorry dues, and I'm really sorry gays. I know how you like to call each other "Girl" sometimes, but we already have a gay, and he doesn't like to share the spotlight.

Will I get paid?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! NO! Absolutely not. We don't make money. That being said, if you'd like to advertise on this site, please do contact us. Until then, this will strictly be for entertainment purposes.

How much time/effort will I have to make?

Ah, great question. It is required that you post at least once a day, however, we are looking for someone that wants to do more than that. You can post at any time you'd like, any day you'd like. Whatever best works for your schedule is A-OK with us, as long as you are posting. Keep in mind that this will require a daily effort on your part, so if you are too busy with your cockroach racing league, perhaps you should let this opprotunity pass. If you are like me, and have a whole-hell-of-a-lot of free time because your life is a sad, depressing, lonely mess...than you may be right at home!

We want to see your style. We are looking for someone who has their own distinct voice. We are also looking for someone that has the desire to do this, the time to do this, and (most importantly) a reliable internet connection. If this is you, we'd love to hear from you! If this is not you, but you can think of someone who would fit perfectly, then please tell them, and spread the word! Damn, dicks...I thought you were doing that already! Now back to your regularly scheduled trainwrecks...

From the bottom of my broken BALD!

So, I'm laying in bed, trying to recount what happened last night. I know that I participated in one bar's part of the World's Largest Toast, but after that things get a little fuzzy. I wake up, still a bit groggy, pick up the computer and see this:

That's right folks. Britney Spears has officially gone off the deep end and shaved her head. BITCH IS BALD!!! At first I thought this was a dream...a beautiful, beautiful dream...but no. 'Tis true! I watched this video from a local LA station of Britney at a tattoo parlor. Apparently Britney got a tattoo of lips on her wrist right after she went bald (and don't worry, if visualizing what a tattoo of lips on a wrist may look like is too hard for you, the newscaster shows you an example of what Britney's tattoo may look like at the end...thank god for local "news").

But then I started to get worried for Britney. What if she's diseased???!!! She has been twiriling her business all over New York & LA. Perhaps she caught the cancer! Or maybe the crabs she most likely contracted 6 months ago got finished feasting on her pubes and have moved on to make the bald carpet match the bald drapes! Oh no! But, thankfully X17 snapped some pictures of Britney shaving her own head, so we can rest assured that Britney isn't diseased (that we know of), Britney is just one sandwich shy of a picnic!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The Gay says: So apparently her stint in rehab has caused Brit-Brit to go off the deep end. Ohmygoodness, I can't believe this. I used to be so infatuated with her. But you know, this new sleek look does look better than her nappy ass hair of days gone by. When one of the paparazzo asked Ms. Spears why she did it, she exclaimed "Because of you."

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Friday, February 16, 2007

Something wicked this way comes over the border

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Oh sweet jesus, an unflattering image of the la godessa Lopez. This was her actual face when her new movie "Border Town" premiered at the berlin Film Festival. She has exploited her latina sistas for monetary gain and ain't nobody too happy.

This is probably gonna be another Gigli. La Lopez should have known the outcome would be the same. Her love is soooo real, its funny, apparently.

The Berliner Zeitung says the film is "funny, but unintentionally" reporting that viewers at the press screening had reacted with "frenetic laughter" at supposedly serious scenes. However the film is also "pretty distasteful" at the same time: the critic accuses J-Lo of exploiting the real suffering of the Mexican women in order to become a star in the Central American market. "It's no coincidence that the film is coming out at the same time as her new record, the first where she sings entirely in Spanish," the paper writes.

Everybody's working for the weekend...

Here I was, at my desk, drinking a beer and putting together a cart that will hold the toilet paper in the women's bathroom (true story) when all of a sudden I thought, "Hey! It's been 5 minutes...why don't I check the blogs!" and lo and behold...a TRUE GEM of gossip appeared faster that one could throw on a bikini and head out to 'da club. Apparently, Britney Spears checked into rehab! TMZ reports that Britney checked into a clinic in Antigua 2 days ago (2-DAYS-AGO? Come on bad friends of Britney's! Where were y'all with the leak on that one? It would have been the perfect Valentine's Day present to me!) but then she took a look around, gave the figurative "Nah, Brah..." and turned around and left. So, she was in, now she is out. Way to go, Britney. Rehab is for pussies, anyway.

If this story develops over the weekend, I will do my darndest to cover it for you, as I'm sure you will come here for the story, first. Right guys? Right...??? I'll work for the weekend for you guys! Maybe...It's hard to say actually. I may be too drunk or lazy to do that...I guess you'll have to come here and check! I think Britney's dress (above) is made from the red leather pants of Loverboy (below):

She keeps 'em trashy to make herself look better

Being so'd think Posh would dress her kids better. Sure, they've got designer jeans on that probably cost my annual salary, but other than that...these two are looking a bit unkempt. And also lame. However, you know these kids are going to be hot little sex maniacs in about 10 years. Yeah. I said it. Now someone get me a "Brooklyn turns 18 in:" countdown clock for my desktop. He will be mine...

Blue States Lose

In those rare times that you are too tired of looking for internet porn, or can't find anything you haven't already heard about Anna Nicole Smith, have you had the displeasure of stumbling upon the following websites:

The Cobrasnake
Last Night's Party
The Misshapes

NO? I didn't either until I started this damn blog. Now, I've looked into the face of the devil, and he is a sweaty, ironic-T wearing hipster at some shitty party. Thank God Gawker does its Blue States Lose feature every Friday. Alex Blagg from Best Week Ever takes a huge one for the team every week by sorting through these pictures, and then carefully selecting a top 10 to make fun of. Sounds simple, but believe me...if you go to those sites and don't want to staple your eyes closed within 5 seconds, you may not be human. The Blue States Lose feature is a nice amuse bouche before I start drinking myself into my regularly scheduled weekend coma. Enjoy.

Saved by Star

Holy Shit. Vivica A. Fox is lucky that she was standing next to Star Jones. The only reason Vivica looks halfway decent (and I'm being generous here) is because she is standing next to saggy-Star. Look at the lady on the far left side of the picture. You know she's having a hard time deciding who looks worse, too. Yipes.


Don't Mess With A Sistah's Weave

Inga Marchand aka Foxy Brown was arrested in Florida yesterday for battery and obstruction of justice. What had happened was, Foxy was gluing her tracks back into her hair, when the Sally's sales associate tried to tell her the store was closed. So unless you told her in sign language, bitch can't hear. Now you all know better than to mess with a sistah when she be doin her hair. All she had were two more tracks to put in when she was rudely talked to by the associate. She had enough! She threw some glue at the gay sales associate and then did what any self respecting woman would do, she spat on him! She was all "Get up on out my face, before i spray ya ass with mace!" When the Popo came, Foxy wasn't having any of it. She swatted at the officer. Before he finally had enough, he had to use a takedown maneuver to gain control of the situation. You know it was like an episode of Cops. Hollar! From one weave wearer to another, Foxy, go get ya hair did. You would never ever had been treated like that at the beauty shop.

Scarlett Johanson: Twat or Not-A-Twat

So, last week we learned that Sienna Miller is a Ho. Some of us were slightly torn on this one, but thanks to our weekly discussions, wonder no more. Bitch is a straight up HO.

This week, I bring a similar question to the forefront. Scarlett Johanson, Twat or Not-A-Twat? When we first met young Scarlett, I really liked her! But as time goes on, she's definitely looking like a Twat to me. And while most men would like to see her twat, I don't think that necessarily makes her Not-A-Twat...catch my drift? Let's break this one down:

Scarlett Johanson is hot. No one is denying that. Not-A-Twat

Unfortunately, she is also a terrible actress. Awful. The only movie she was good in was Lost in Translation, and that was only because she had about 5 whispered lines and spent the rest of her time on screen pouting and prancing around in her undies. Twat

She wore one of the worst bikini's I've ever seen, and also appeared in some terribly Louis Vuitton Ads. Twat

Ugh, fine...if I have to say something nice about her, I will say that after seeing her on the red carpet and hearing some of the things she had to say...she seemed like a nice person. SEEMED. a tentative Not-A-Twat

But wait...bitch's "album" that you keep hearing about, is her doing TOM WAITS COVERS. This twat thinks she can sing Tom Waits?!?!?!!? TWAT

So...I think it is clear how I feel about her. T-to the-WAT all the way. But, this is not 'Nam, there are rules. Please voice your opinion on whether or not this Twat is a Twat or Not-A-Twat, in the comments! Her life is in your hands, dude.

The only Anna Nicole News I care about

Last night, I was at the bar talking to some of the Detroit Derby Girls. While I very interested in their stories of ass kicking and drinking, something on the TV caught my eye. "Oh God," I thought, "Not more of this fucking Anna Nicole Shit...". But then I saw something that changed the way I thought about the whole thing. Okay, not really, I still think it's a bunch of annoying bullshit that needs to stop immediately (Can I get a paternity test so this madness can finally end? I was tired of hearing about it before she died...). BUT...have you seen the cranium of the guy who did the autopsy on Anna Nicole Smith? His name is Dr. Joshua Perper, and man...he's got a fucked up skull:

And here's another look at it:

Jesus! That is what his head really looks like! He reminds me a bit of Micheal J. Anderson. You know, the midget from Twin Peaks! Only less awesome, of course. That's all I got on this one. The dude that did the autopsy on Anna Nicole has a really messed up head. Thank you!

Harry Potter's Ass

I'm just going to be as simple as I can about this. You may have gotten a tease of him elsewhere...but here it is...the real deal...HARRY POTTER'S ASS! Yes, young Daniel Radcliffe bares all in the play Equus, and since we are not fortunate enough to go to the play in England and see Harry Potter's wang, we're just going to have to settle for his youthful and rambunctious ass. Click on the photo if you'd like some barely legal 17-year-old ass this Friday:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I must remember this post when I wonder why we have a surge of pedophiles on our site. Someone call Chris Hansen!

This is the ho that got to bang Ralph Finnes?

Meet Lisa Robertson. She and her feathered bangs got to bone Ralph Finnes in an airplane lavatory. After initially denying the affair in order to keep her shitty job, she has now come to her senses, and admitted that she and Ralph once got busy in an airplane bathroom, and adds that she also got to bone him at the hotel when they arrived in India. She told The Daily Mail:

"I just stood up, reached down for his hand and told him to follow me," she told friends.

"We went into the toilet and locked the door and off came much of our clothes."

She said they then had passionate and apparently unprotected sex.

Finally this ho is admitting to her delicious unprotected sex. Apparently, when they boned in the hotel they used a condom, which is good because Ralph Finnes was in India to lecture about the dangers of AIDS and the importance of safe sex. But come on, we all know that these "societal rules" or "wise choices" only apply on the ground. All airplanes should be one big ridiculous orgy in the sky, because if you contract HIV in the air, you're cured by the time you land...right? Cheating and diseases don't count in the air, and don't even get me started if you are in space...oh the things you can do in space...anyway. If feathered bangs can get me wild, airplane sex with Ralph Fines...someone get me some scissors, a comb, and some Aqua Net. I had that style when I was 10, so I suppose I am long overdue to bring it back.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

There is something dreadfully wrong with Ciara's "Goodies"

GQ passed on this picture of Ciara, jazz-hands-ing her vagina, while trying to make us believe that she enjoys whatever the hell it is that she is doing. Good call, GQ.

Here is how Britney will make her comeback:

Here is a model wearing a creation from Antoni&Alison's Autumn/Winter 2007/08 collection during their catwalk show in London. If this is the way of the future, Britney is leaps and bounds ahead of all of us. Perhaps we've been looking at this entire situation all wrong! It would be nice to have a bag of chips on my head, just in case I was hungry...I'm liking where you are going Antoni&Alison! Now, if you can just work in a Taco Bell Value Meal as a belt, we'll be all set.

Who would you let take your flower?

On the top, we have a transexual model, on the bottom (where she's probably used to being) we have "actress" Bai Ling. Who are you more likely to let near you?

Ok Tyra, are you fat or aren't you?

Sweet Jesus. Tyra Banks truly confuses the shit out of me. Can we please do a quick re-cap of the last couple years?

May 2005 - Tyra retires from modeling by walking the Victoria's Secret fashion show one last time.

Sept. 2005 - Tyra gets her own talk show, remains in the public eye thanks to this, and ANTM.

Sept. 2005-Dec. 2006 - Tyra eats a whole hell of a lot of food. She's eating chicken, beef, dolphin (especially after getting over her fear of dolphins on her talk show), everything. Bitch is EATING.

Sometime in late 2006 - Pictures are released of Tyra looking a little rough around the edges, bloggers start calling Tyra a fatty.

Jan. 2007 - Tyra blantantly denies she is fat, shoots the cover of People, has a show about how she's not fat, but if she was fat, she'd be cool with that.

Ok...I think that brings us up to speed. Well now, Tyra is still trying to prove how good she looks by commerating her Sports Illustrated cover that she did 10 years ago, by doing it again and in the same bathing suit, no less. Here's what she had to say about it:

"I was about 140 pounds on that cover … and I’m 161 now. I’d say I looked like a stripper when I put it on. They covered the sides of my chest so that it wasn’t so much hangin’ out. And they put some extenders on the sides of the bikini bottom so it fit. I think there’s more power in embracing what I am now and showcasing that. I’m thinking that I should probably do this every 10 years. So, in 2017 maybe I’ll get in the swimsuit again and I’ll have to get them to add a little more fabric.”

So, let me get this straight. You're not fat, and you are proud of how you look, but you are having everything tucked in and stuck away, and this isn't even mentioning all the photoshopping that will be done to the final product. And how is she showcasing what she is now, if she is taping and tucking away all that she is now? I would much rather see stripper Tyra. And where did the Tyra from a week ago go? The one that brought a life-sized cut out of herself on her talk show and rambled and cried about how this was "just a bad picture"!!! That Tyra has been eaten by SI Tyra, and SI Tyra wants a good picture, y'all!

Basically, Tyra was tired of modeling and wanted to she did, and then people started judging her, and now she's back to modeling and being ashamed of her body. It's hard out there for a model, y'all. Tyra, just let it go girl...become the 400 lb. fatty you really want to be!


What's she lookin' at?

After the initial cold grip of terror lets up, do any of you care to take a guess as to what has got Pamela Anderson looking so...crazy-eyed?

A) She is watching her "career" flee before her very eyes.

B) She just saw a billboard for a new plastic surgery procedure called "Double Ass", in which a new ass is placed just above your old ass, therefore giving you two asses. She is intrigued, to say the least.

C) Bitch is just crazy-eyed! Do you really need this to be explained further?

D) Someone asked her to re-enact the face she made when Tommy Lee put his manhood in her (original) ass.

What do you think? Could there possibly be another reason for such a lovely look? Let me the comments!

Why do people refuse to wear shoes?

Here is a picture of Joss Stone at the Brit Awards last night (God I hate this ho):

Now, we all can plainly see that her outfit is a hideous mess, so I'm not even going to comment on this (if you'd like to read a brief commentary on this outfit, head on over to Go Fug Yourself). No, I bring this up to talk more about the lack of wearing shoes. Joss was wearing shoes last night, but unfortunately, Paul Kim of American Idol announced last night that every performance of his from this point on will be barefoot.

Why did this Asian just ruin everything he had going for him by making such a poor decision? Dude, you are a good singer, you are a good looking guy...why would you claim being barefoot as "your thing"? You are going to be in LA, do you know how many people (in general) have either vomited, shat upon, or pissed on the ground that your bare feet are walking on? My American Idol will be wearing shoes, thank you very much.

Sigh, if you are lame like me, and still watching American can go here to see the top 24. I'm rooting for Lakisha Jones for the ladies, and it's a tie between Sanjaya Malakar (I was surprised to learn that he can "independently raise both corners of [his] upper lip" from his profile. I'm not quite sure what that means, exactly...but I'm interested!) and Chris Sligh (although I was truly disappointed to see SKA-HIPPIE and lead singer for the Counting Crows - Adam Duritz listed as not only one of his favorite male pop artists, but also as one of his heroes. He's your hero, man?) Could it be...that Chris a SKA-HIPPIE???!!! No...I refuse to make such an accusation so early on in the season...but we shall see, Chris Sligh...WE.SHALL.SEE!!!

So, I know all y'all are watching this shit. Don't lie. What are your thoughts thus far? Let's have a discussion, in the comments! And in keeping with the Southern drawl, don't pretend like you don't have an axe to grind! Talk to me about American Idol and I'll just be as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine!

And...for the biggest American Idol fan I is a video of Chris Sligh and others during Hollywood week. Can I say that I'm way over the gay-beatboxer already? Especially after reading this on his profile:

Do you have any lucky charms?

2 of them, and they’re in my pants right now.

I'm assuming he's referring to his balls, and while I appreciate his honesty, I don't want to hear about his "lucky charms" ever again.

She's off the porch...but is she off the shed?

Yes, although it is hard to remember, there was a time when Britney Spears was so busy that she needed an assistant to assist her with the struggles in her life. Such things as: ordering chicken, making sweet love to Kevin Federline, and neglecting children, is a lot for one girl to she employed Felicia Culotta to help her with all that shit, including writing a diary about her experiences on the set of the breakaway hit film "Crossroads" (yes, Britney couldn't even write her own diary...her assistant is the co-author). Well, now Felicia has abandoned our dear Ms. Spears, writing an email to some website talking about what a ho Britney has become. She be all like:

“I cherish ALL the incredible opportunities that came my way thru my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding,” Culotta wrote in an email to “There’s just so much you can do to help a person — I don’t dare want to be an enabler, and I cannot love her enough for the both of us. I cannot convince her in ANY way to love herself...“I’m so Southern, and the BEST way for me to tell you how I feel is to say—You can just kick an old Dog so many times before he gets off the porch,” she wrote. “I, FELICIA, am OFF the porch!!”

I think today we should challenge ourselves to follow in FELICIA's footsteps. I think we are all "off the porch" when it comes to Brit Brit, as the Southerner's say...but, let's try to incorporate more Southern drawl into everyday speech! It's fun because it makes no sense! Things such as:

"All this talk about Britney just makes me plumb tuckered out!"

"That picture of Stephen Tyler biting some chicks face (see below) just goll darned scared my mule!"

"Michelle Rodriguez is crazier than a run over dog!"

"That there Ice-T and CoCo are one couple that is as purdy as a speckled pup!

They also have a bunch of phrases that exist merely just so a Southern lass can say words. These phrases, unlike the ones above that have some semblance of meaning, have absolutely no meaning at all...things like "I do declare!" and "Do Hicky!". Man, if it wasn't for their whole "hating gays, blacks, jews, and anyone who is not a hick" thing...I think I could really like the South. Let's steal the drawl from the South...starting today! If you'd rather not join me in this endeavor, you can instead watch Will Ferrel trying to get his kids off the g.d. shed:


It is too early to see such a sight...

Dude, Steven Tyler is sick. I think that girl has rabies after that...kiss. Is that how we would like to define what is going on above? Is it a kiss, or does his gollum-looking ass think it's feeding time? He should eat something to fill out that saggy ass he is sporting. Ugh, I can't go on...I must bathe the diseased feeling that has just washed over me from looking at this picture, off my body now. This is not what I needed to see first thing in the morning...and I'm sure you didn't need this either. But I can't suffer alone. So, enjoy!

Happy Valentines Homos!

Well another Valentines has come and gone. For the lovers of wang on this site, I thought i'd give ya'll a treat. Remember those old Abercrombie catalogs, you'd used to fondle yourself over? Well, I have some of the unedited photos for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy, fags and hags!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Clean up your mess!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Send me an Angel

Wow, what a terribly slow news week, today being the slowest day of them all. I guess it is fitting that this nationally recognized day of love is represented by a lack of me being a dick. Tomorrow, I promise to be a bigger asshole than I've ever been before, and apologies in advance if all my posts are about stuff that you don't care about...I may just have to go down that road...

Here is a sweet video that I'm going to send out to the mailman who didn't bring me my flowers today. The boyfriend swears he sent them...perhaps he should have Oh man...and with that winner, I'm outta here.

How Prince will spend Valentines Day

How will Prince spend Valentines Day? By making sweet, furious love to me, of course. But if you are not blessed with luck, as i am, but you are living in NYC, you should check out Robert Whitman's photography exhibition Prince: Pre-Fame at the Black & White Gallery on the ground floor of the Chelsea Terminal Warehouse at 636 West 28th Street this Friday. Thanks to Crunk & Disorderly for the info, and you can go here to see some more images from the exhibition!

How Mischa Barton will spend Valentines Day...

With Mischa Barton's boyfriend (and his ridiculously HUGE BALLS)no where in sight, we can assume Mischa will spend today's holiday with her pup:

And then she will take a crap in her "bag-dress":

Happy Valentines Day, Mischa Barton! If I were going to crap my pants today, I'd pick the same roomy outfit!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith was gonna be his mom.

Reminiscing about the good old days of MTV made me think of another show that used to be on our fair-firing station. It was a little show called Fanatic, and it used to trick people into thinking they were doing something lame and then surprise them with their favorite celebrity. And since some of you are mad at me for not posting anything about Anna Nicole Smith, I've got the best of both worlds for you. Here is an old SNL sketch spoofing Fanatic starring Jimmy Fallon and Ben Affleck. Please enjoy this parody of the late, great, ANS:

MTV, don't do this to me.

Dear Music Television,

We've been through a lot in the last 20-some years. We've been through The Good (Yo! MTV Raps, Beavis & Butthead, MTV Fear, The Grind, The State, Sifl and Olly), The Bad (Newlyweds, Carson Daily, Jesse Camp, Yo Momma, Viva La Bam), and The Ugly. You obviously used to be much better than you are now, but that happens to a lot of things as they age. When I heard all the firing you were doing today I poured one out from my ecto-cooler, and remembered all the good times I had sneaking a peak of you when I wasn't allowed as a kid. Sucks to be all those kids who are getting fired today, who probably share a lot of the same happy memories of MTV that I do.

But then you did something that I find very hard to accept. YOU FIRED THE ENTIRE VH1 CLASSICS DEPARTMENT!?!?!?!!! How could you do this to me? The only thing left of the good old days of MTV, now possibly forever gone. Tell me you are replacing the staff...Gawker jokes about no longer being able to watch Taylor Dane videos...but that is honestly the first thing I thought of! How dare you MTV. HOW.DARE.YOU! I stood by your ass, watching all eleventy-billion seasons of the Real World and this is how you repay me? This agression will not stand, MTV.

I was saving this video for the next celebrity breakup, but now I'm gonna send it out to VH1 Classic. Some day, I just know that, love will lead you back to my heart. Keep hope alive, kids.

And you know is a live version of the same song, because you know you want to watch them both. Don't lie. Beware, live version is aah-way louder than the crappy video above. Oh, I already miss the high quality of VH1 Classic. Single Tear.

Oh and for reals, sorry about losing your jobs. But I'm more sorry for my own loss. Deal with it.

Something Awesome that has nothing to do with Celebrities.

In Thailand, people dress up like sperm to promote condom awareness. In Thailand, they also have great food. Thai people are awesome.

In America, we get Billy Baldwin and Alan Cumming holding some K-Y Intrigue lube. This is not nearly as awesome as the sperm-guys.

Don't Judge Britney!

Everyone's getting all fired up today about the pictures of Britney Spears in a bikini partying in NYC:

And matching cats with a go-go dancer:

Listen y'all. Before you go judging her, let me ask you one thing...Is you a bit jealous? When is the last time that you successfully matched cats with a go-go dancer? Hhhmmmmmm??? And furthermore, Britney is in New York City, where it is brutally hot all year round. I heard it was like 100 degrees there, and perfect weather for going out on the town in your bikini, so just lay off, aiight? And even if there was actually snow on the ground and even if it is actually freezing's never cold in the burning hot, child-rearing heart of Britney Spears. So cool out, haters. All you Britney supporters should wear your bikini to work tomorrow, in honor of Ms. Britney Jean Spears. It would give the flower delivery guy something to look at, at least.

There truly are no words for this...

I'm sitting here, just shaking my head...wondering what a sad life Vanilla Ice must lead.

Turbo Tax is doing some kind of rap contest hosted by Vanilla Ice. Here is the description of the contest, straight from the You Tube channel:

Yo! Everyone knows nothing goes together better than RAPPING and TAXES. Don't get it twisted. TurboTax is the #1 selling, #1 rated tax software in the US—A. Platinum. We don't do "sweet". We do big, fat, throw your back out they're so big tax REFUND checks. I'm America's most trusted, fool! Represent.

And don't forget to check out for more exclusive flava!

I think this is supposed to be funny. But I find it a bit more...what is the word I'm searching my mind for...oh yes, fucking stupid than anything else. But, perhaps I'm just getting it twisted.


Robbie Williams in Rehab

I don't really know that much about Robbie Williams, except that some gays LOVE LOVE LOVE this dude. A lot of British people love him too, obvs, but some gays really friggin love Robbie Williams. I was at a party once, and a gay whipped out this Robbie Williams picture book and began to hyperventilating-ly tell me all about Robbie Williams. I unfortunately cannot recount the things that he told me about Robbie Williams because I wasn't really listening. All I could think is, "Wow, this is one of those gays that really REALLY loves Robbie Williams! I've never met one of them before!" So, to all of you gays (and others) that really REALLY love Robbie Williams, it is my sad duty to inform you that he is in rehab. Although, going to rehab is getting less and less sad, and more and more like a right of passage onto the A-List. So, maybe this will finally be the big breakthrough into the US that he has been looking for? Robbie is in the 'hab for prescription drugs (lame...). Since I don't really care about Robbie Williams, you can go here if you want to read all about his struggles and shit. Me? I will be watching the video for "Back to Good" by Take That. Robbie Williams was in this band, and they are huge in England, but a one-hit wonder here...did you know that? I didn't. Do you care? Me neither, but I remember this jam...

Monday, February 12, 2007

She's bringing CharityBack!

Michelle Rodriguez had some interesting thoughts on charity:

“Man, I got so many hours of community service,” says the actress, whose alcohol-intake-monitoring bracelet turned heads at the Marc Jacobs show last week. Rodriguez pleaded no contest to a hit-and-run, DUI, and driving with a suspended license in 2004, and then violated probation with a DUI bust in Hawaii the next year. “I’m almost done. I have to keep flying back. I just take a week and knock it out. It’s all good.” Rodriguez says she plans to continue to serve worthy causes even after it’s no longer legally mandated, having picked up a passion for animal rights after seeing some up close to her Hummer during an African safari. She’s currently the spokesperson for a nature-sanctuary foundation called Sanctuary. “Eventually,” she says, “you’re going to see me do some Jane Fonda–type shit. I’m keeping it hush right now. But it’s going to be fucking hot. I’m going to make giving back sexy and fuckable.”

Okay...I'm starting to love this crazy bitch.

Finally, though...Charity will become fuckable! I've been handing out soup to the homeless for YEARS and not one homeless man has offered to have sex with me. Please call me, Michelle Rodriguez, when you achieve this lofty and ambitious goal. I will then literally take my sexy-charity-loving-ass to the streets.

And, for no other reason than it being a slow news day, here is a video from Hall and Oates. Sit back, relax, and try to remember a time when popular music ruled as much as this:


And It Has Begun...

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer not only share bodily fluids, but the same stylist. You know that quirky thing that happens when you are in a relationship, you begin to look like the idiot that you are dating. Since john is probably the smarter of the two, he tricked Jessica into becoming a brunette. Thank god she isn't doing her stupid open mouth pose. She really is a retard. Amen.

Ralph Finnes bones stewardess in bathroom!

I know this may be old news to you weekend gossip hounds, but did you hear about Ralph Fiennes boning a stewardess in an airplane bathroom? Apparently a 38-year-old stewardess was suspended from her job after her co-workers saw her leaving the bathroom right after Finnes during a flight from Australia to India. The stewardess has said:

“While conversing with Mr Fiennes during my break, I expressed a need to go to the toilet. I went to the nearby toilet and entered it, he followed me and entered the same toilet. I explained to him that this was inappropriate and asked him to leave. Mr Fiennes became amorous towards me and, after a short period of time, I convinced him to leave the toilet, which he did. I left the toilet a short time later.”

What is wrong with this bitch? If I boned Ralph Fiennes in the bathroom, and my work asked me if it was true I would say "Hell yes it is true! I boned the hell out of him in the bathroom, and I'd do it again if the opprotunity presented itself. If that is a crime, fire me now...because, if I didn't make myself clear the first time, I would definitely, without a doubt, bone him again." Yep, that's pretty much what my official statement would be.


The Grammys happened.

Last night The Grammys were on. Everyone hates this award show, I think. Even friends of mine that I think might like The Grammys, actually hate The Grammys.

Why do we still have The Grammys?

Last night I learned that next year will be the 50th anniversary of The Grammys, and I say we just stop there. You had a good run, Grammy Awards, but you suck and I'm tired of watching you. I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, "No one is forcing you to watch The Grammys, Girl #1", and you are right. But if an award show is on, I'm going to watch it, because I am a sad and weak individual. So for the betterment of all of society, whoever is responsible for The Grammys, please stop. Until then, I will continue to watch and bring you some "highlights".

Best Dressed for the night went to Imogen Heap, obviously:

Problem #1 I have with this award show: Who the hell is this person? I've sort of heard the name tossed around, but I have never heard the music, or been intrigued enough to take the 5 seconds to go to wikipedia and find out who the hell this chick is. But, I like her style, and I hope she sticks around for a while, mostly because I am looking forward to a her Vs. Bjork wacky-off.

The runner-up for Best Dressed would have to go to Seal. My lovely friend Jarvis pointed out that his jacket was most likely made from real baby seals:

The God among men, Prince, was there:

Do you remember when I asked the question: When did you turn on Beyonce? I think it is safe to assume that we've all turned on Beyonce at this point. But, when is Prince going to drop this ho? I can't fully drop her until Prince gives me the ok, and I'm hoping that moment comes sooner than later. But last night, Prince announced Beyonce's performance, and Beyonce emerged, trying once again to prove that she can REALLY sing!

Turns out, no matter how much she scrunches up her face, her performances remain only okay. Beyonce, it is okay to be just a pop star. You are still making millions, so just relax, please.

Last night also featured a lot of "trio" performances that made no sense and were really far too long. The first was that chick who sings the cute songs and rides her bike in the video (Corinne Bailey Rae), the unbelievably hottness that is John Legend, and the unbelievably doucheness that is John Mayer. At first I didn't understand why these three people were thrown together to perform, and then as the night went on, I realized that white people were peppered into black performances so that the white man wouldn't be scared that black people are occupying all of the spotlight in the music industry. It's okay, white still have the Dixie Chicks and a slew of awful singer/songwriters like John Mayer and James Blunt.

One performance that did not have a white person in it was another trio, this time of Smokey Robinson, Lionel Richie, and Chris Brown:

I'm sorry, Chris Brown, I like your jams and all, but you are in no where near the same league as the two that you performed with. Sure, you did your flips and your dancing onstage...but Lionel sang "Hello", man. I hope Chris Brown realizes how lucky he was to even stand in the presence of Lionel and Smokey, but I'm sure he didn't. And so it goes...

This just of last night, Quentin Tarantino is officially black. I'm sorry, black people...but he is yours now. You know he's been trying for so long, so I think it is about time we just give it to him.

Best performance of the night, unfortunately did not go to the hyped police reunion, although Sting did remind us that he can still rock a sleeveless vest like no other:

No, best performance would have to go to Justin Timberlake, for his strange hand held video camera thing that he did:

What the hell was that? Although part of me loved it because it reminded me of the show "Fear" that was once on MTV, I didn't really understand what was going on, nor did I want to be that close to Justin's nose...ever. Perhaps the camera was a direct feed to Cameron Diaz's home PC?

And that's all I got from the Grammy's. Some people won some crap, I can see a full list of winners here. Some people wore some crap, I can see a bunch of red carpet photos here.