I laughed, I cried...I, like the model above, tried to lose those last couple pounds before I threw on my slinky dress and did my thang on the runway. The only difference between me and she is that she is a model in New York, and I am a blogger in Michigan, and my runway is the couple blocks between the office in which I work, and the Dale and Thomas Popcorn Store down the road. Anyhoo - It's been real, New York. Now if you'll excuse me, my other 4 fingers have not gotten their "work out" for the day, and I'm starting to feel fat.
Friday, February 9, 2007
I already hate Joss Stone because she hardly ever wears shoes. And this outfit, including those shoes, do not help her cause. I'm kind of at a loss for words here. It's like she went into the attic, unlocked the 1983 time capsule she's been storing up there, pulled out her favorite outfit and used that half full bottle of puffy paint that was in there to "fancy up" her boots. She then emptied a can of Aqua Net into that fro and off she went to NY Fashion Week! Where are these children's handlers and stylists? I wish I had a shot from behind, because I can almost guarantee that she bedazzled a heart on the back of that thing.
With all of the recent going-ons, I almost forgot about our new Friday feature! Last week, you fuckers set me straight, and I have accepted that Jeremy Piven is in fact a Douche, contrary to what I previously believed. So, thank you, dear readers. I have often asked myself where I would be without your knowledge. And while I figure that the answer would be "The same place I am now, face down in a gutter somewhere, being kicked by a homeless man, but luckily stealing the wi-fi connection from the Burger King I am lying half-unconscious outside of", I do like these little games we play...so without further adieu:
SIENNA MILLER: HO OR NOT-A-HO
Her middle name is Rose. HO
She got to bone Jude Law, and then he cheated on her ass. Not-A-Ho
She is constantly talking about how she doesn't want to be famous, all the while...trying to be famous. HO
But then when I see clips of her such as this one of her on The Daily Show, I can't help but wonder if she is just a misunderstood ho. Not-A-Ho
I don't know what to think here, y'all. Is she a real-life Ho? Or just a misunderstood British chick, and therefore Not-A-Ho? Help me figure this one out, in the comments. And please leave your suggestions for next week's _______ or not-a-_________ either in the comments, or email them to me at email@example.com. I'm thinking next week might be "50 Cent: Gay or Not-A-Gay" unless I get something better.
Donatella Versace got some "naked lady with no head" award for the contributions she and her late brother made to the fashion industry...or something. This was basically an excuse for LA-based celebrities to prove that they too care about fashion, even if they are too busy to hop on a plane and really prove it by going to NY Fashion Week. Here are some celebrities looking all fancy:
Elton John & David Furnish
Demi & Ashton
Mary J Blige & Jada Pinkett-Smith
Crazy Naomi Campbell
J-Lo on creepy husband's lap.
Courtney Love & Francis Bean Cobain.
And...Mischa Barton, who obviously did not get the memo that LA Fashion = black. We'll give J.Lo a pass because she looks ridiculously good, despite probably crushing her 80lb. husband after sitting on his lap. But you should've known better, Mischa.
Here is Cameron Diaz leaving the gym. Who the shit looks this good leaving the gym? I'm usually all sweaty and disgusting, struggling to breathe...when I'm leaving Jim Bob's Chicken Shack after devouring a slab of ribs. So how is it that she looks so...good? I hate her...
In an attempt to postpone the impending reign of fabulous that Posh is about to impose over all of Los Angeles, the U.S. Government has denied working Visa's to all of Posh & Beck's mantourage. Victoria and David currently have 8 men on staff that "are like uncles" to their 3 sons: Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz. All I have to say about this is...Welcome To 'Merica BECKHAMS! I hope your sons like Uncle Sam, because that's the only uncle they will get to know once you move here. And if denying your security staff wasn't enough, The US Government through this little tidbit in, for good measure:
The US authorities will not grant foreigners a work permit if they believe Americans are capable of doing the job.
Ha! Not only are you denied your staff, but you have to hire some sorry ass, wanna be actor to help you walk through the snow:
Enjoy the warm arm of your highly trained security staff, Poshy. If you aren't looking for an "actor" who made his debut on Elimidate to make you feel secure, you will be left to choose between a fine selection of coked up meatheads that like to fight anyone that comes to LA. Ah, I'm sure you and your family feel safer already.
In the wake of the loss of a National Hero, we here at TGG will give some long overdue respect to the late Anna Nicole Smith. We will do this by not reporting on the gruesome details of her death, including posting videos of her being given CPR, like some other blogs are doing. After seeing nothing but Anna Nicole plastered all over every media outlet last night, and after watching countless "exclusive" interviews with everyone from Larry Birkhead to some gay fanboy of Anna's, we're gonna go ahead and assume that if you are really looking for any info on Anna, it will not be that big of a challenge to find it.
That being said, we hope that you do come here...for all things NOT Anna Nicole. There is still a lot of great shit going on in the world here, people! Have we forgotten about the upcoming premiere of America's Next Top Model Cycle...Eleventy? It is rapidly approaching! Only T-Minus 19 Days until we can sit back and gracefully chuckle at all the skinny ass bitches (and 2 fatties) parading around on our television sets. Can't wait that long to see what kind of stupid shit these ho's are going to be fighting about? Well, by some miracle of God, a 30 second clip of the new season has appeared on YouTube:
I envy women who can pull off a massive, earth shattering belch. But I would probably cut a bitch who told me to curb my burps on camera. This season looks great, even if they have a friggin' tranny as a contestant (which would be totally fine if it was, in fact, a real tranny. The fact that the "girl" in question, is most likely an actual girl, and not a tranny is just plain misleading and disappointing).
So, if you need a break from all of the rambling clips of Anna Nicole, the conspiracy theories, the interviews with the pet psychic that is telling you how Anna's dog is dealing with her loss...do head on over to Two Girls and a Gay, and tell your friends to do the same! And if you want a complete run down of all the girls on the upcoming season of ANTM, get on over to FourFour.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
I'm over here posting about Valentine's Day, and Anna Nicole is falling down in Florida! Access Hollywood broke the news that Anna was rushed to the hospital in Hollywood, Florida around 2PM today. Apparently she was given CPR and had a tube put down her throat. Yikes! Don't go out like that, Anna!!! No one really knows just yet what the hell happened to her, and I wouldn't really go on trying to guess...the possibilities are literally ENDLESS. It could be a drug overdose, a bad capsule of trimspa, her assistant could have gone to the bathroom and wasn't there to remind her to breathe, who the hell knows. Even though we are assholes, we do hope that she pulls through! We'll keep you posted on the details as they develop...
EDIT: Okay, we are no longer being assholes. It has been confirmed that Anna Nicole Smith has passed away. Crazy. Details are still scarce as to what happened to her, and I'm not sure if we are going to continue to report on this one. But I'm sure you'll hear it EVERYWHERE else, if you are interested. R.I.P. Anna Nicole.
Girl #1 here, and Valentine's Day is less than a week away. No worries, we here at Two Girls and a Gay have got you covered with some of the best gifts that you can get your lover, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, this year!
Gift #1: The Orgasmatron
Although the website assures us that "It's not what you're thinking", I'm only thinking about what disastrously wonderful things this machine could do to your nether regions. Gay, Straight, Single, Taken...who doesn't want this terrifying claw near their hoo-ha!
Gift #2: A STEAMY Dinner at White Castle
Get in now while the gettin's good! If you act now, and you live in one of 12 Mid-West/East Coast cities, you can reserve an extra special date for you and your extra special someone. Make a reservation at your local White Castle, and enjoy hostess seating, a candelit dinner, and your very own server! If you are too lazy to get your broke ass to White Castle, this year you can also pick up a Cupid's Crave Case and bring it home. Details Here.
Gift #3: Give Money to an Animal that is no longer Extinct
Why give a gift to someone you love, when you can give a gift to a bird that doesn't really need it anymore? While the Bald Eagle has been removed from the ESA's threatened species list, when is the last time you told a bird, a BALD bird at that, how much you loved it? That's what I thought. So, while you're off snacking on chocolates, the Bald Eagle is out there...living, and...not being endangered anymore. So, what the fuck, man. Donate to the Bald Eagle, and while you're at it...I could use a little extra boost too. Donate to me. Press Release and details on donating HERE.
Gift #4: A Gun
Gift #5: Singing Telegram
There is absolutely nothing uncomfortable, awkward, or strange about this guy, coming down to where you work, and singing you a song. Oh man, will you be the envy of all your co-workers!! This is a very good example of what it might feel like if you got a singing telegram at work. Imagine this dude is standing in front of you, singing...Ah, can you feel the love?
Well, I think that just about covers the best Valentines Day gifts of 2007. You are guaranteed to get laid if you give any of the 5 gifts listed above. Especially the gun. Happy Valentine's Day!!!
This is a picture of the old, FUCKING LAME Cherry Coke Can.
Here is the picture of the new and improved JAY Z Cherry Coke Can:
Oh my god, that can is so hot...I'm gonna drink the hell out of some Jay Z Cherry Coke.
While Cameron is referring to her new boyfriend's wang as an appetizer (see below), Justin Timberlake keeps shoving his peen in a box. This time, he did it live on stage with is defeatingly annoying cohort, Andy Samberg. I liked it better when I saw it the first time. No, I'm not talking about this, I'm talking about this:
Justin Timberlake isn't the only one enjoying the single life. Cameron Diaz was at Cut in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel Monday night, "with a girlfriend and drinking wine for more than three hours," says an L.A. spy. The friend then asked a pointed question about her new beau, surf champ Kelly Slater. "Cam grabbed a breadstick to demonstrate. She was in great spirits and kept twirling her hair," says the witness. The breadstick was 9 inches long, if you were wondering. ...
Dudes, do you like having your wang compared to a long and skinny breadstick? I guess the skinny part is debatable, as we don't know the width of said breadstick, but I'm gonna go ahead and assume it was long and skinny. This story would have been much better if they were dining on summer sausages, and she picked up a ridiculously huge sausage from the table, waved it around, twirled her hair, and then attempted to crazily devour it in one ferocious bite. Celebrity lives are always so much better in my mind. Also, you can buy that sausage in Michigan, in case you are in need...
In case you haven't been following the incredibly boring case concerning the Baldwin you are least likely to care about, let me give you a quick run down. Baldwin you don't care about was driving his friend's car. His friend's girlfriend didn't know Baldwin had the car, and reported it stolen. Cops pulled Baldwin over in reportedly stolen car. It is all one big misunderstanding, but the fool didn't show up in court, so now he is WANTED. WANTED AND IN DETROIT!!! Story of our lives over here in Southeast Michigan. Apparently Daniel Baldwin is here to shoot a movie called "Little Red Devil", from Horror production company The Skeleton Factory. I will make it my personal mission today, to find the Baldwin you are least likely to care about, and ask him questions about his brother, Alec Baldwin, whom I love. First, I will look at Little Tree Sushi Bar in Royal Oak for lunch. Then I will go back to my office and continue looking for the Baldwin there. I will also keep my eyes peeled for him on my drive home. If you are in Michigan, and see the Baldwin, do not approach him directly. Contact me, and I will approach him, make an ass out of myself, and then take all the credit for finding him. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Michael Jackson. Where do you even begin when talking about this guy? It's really quite sad, in my opinion, what has happened to him. That being said...I really don't care to hear him sing or see him perform ever again. That window is closed, Michael. So sorry. But...Michael begs to differ, and has enlisted Simon Fuller to help him revive his career. In the understatement of the century, a Source has stated:
“Simon is excited by the challenge. It’s like nothing he has tackled before.”
Yes, I will go out on a limb and say that attempting to revive the career of an accused child molester (i said ACCUSED, bitches...), who is black, but looks paler than me (which is no small feat, indeed. I'm almost see-through, y'all. Look at my picture on the right!), and who has a nose that is literally about to implode...would be a wee-bit difficult. Let's hope Fuller puts him on this season of American Idol. Seeing Michael perform would definitely warm the hearts of all Americans. Hearing Michael criticize the singing youths of America...telling all the 16 year old boys on the show that they need to push a little harder, wouldn't terrify children and parents at all...I just hope Michael guest judges with a little albino monkey on his shoulder. Just because it would make me laugh. You know he has one, and I'm sure that monkey is angry.
Let's look at one of the last times Michael creeped me out with his singing/performing, and made me wish that I was, in fact, alone.
UUuuughhghh...Creepy Naked Michael. Wow...that is pretty scary, but I think I found something a bit worse. PLEASE watch this...
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Oh Puffy, you manwhora (sounds like menorah), is putting his peen in one of his young ing'enues. While his babymama Kim Porter are raising his babies in ATL, Diddy is having his way with his babygirls. But at the moment it is uncertain which young virgine he is putting it into. Which would you pick, the model/actress Cassie, who's song Me & U is about giving a blow job or Aubrey O'Day from his girlieband, Danity Kane? Here are both of them at their finest.
Seriously Aubrey what's up with your hair and eye makeup??
R. Kelly's got a case of the Lohan! The singer has been hospitalized in Miami with appendicitis. How convenient for Kelly, as he will miss a status hearing in his Kiddie Porn case that was scheduled for Wednesday. Also, how convenient that the same day the video release of some other celebrity peeing on someone is announced, R. Kelly is back in the news again. I see your game, R. Kelly...and well played, indeed. Now get better so you can continue your work on the (hopefully) many upcoming chapters of "Trapped in the Closet".
Because Candini did! That jacked up head belongs to supermodel Kate Moss!
Wow, Kate Moss...run a brush through that shit. Congratulations, Candini! You just won this Toaster that only toasts Jesus Bread!!! Man, all the kids on your block are gonna be jealous of you!
You trifilin' good for nothin' kinda boss. After her Oscar diss, Beyonce "Sasha" Knowles decided to take it out on her way poor backup dancers. Miss B is doing a promotional blitz for the re-release of her boughie ass cd B'day. This promo is coming out of her own deep pockets, so B(itch) decided to cut corners and her dancer's salaries. All the dancers must pay for their own flight from NYC to LA and are only getting $400/week. They don't wanna tell their agents in fear of invoking the wrath of Matthew Knowles. He already beats Tina...they don't want him coming after their first born!
Here is Evangeline Lilly from Lost, which has its long awaited return tonight at 10PM on ABC. What is wrong with this picture?
A) That shirt is wrong. The peasent thing was sooo _______ years ago, and what the shit is going on with those pockets?
B) The pants are wrong. I don't care how lazy you are, buy and wear some pants that don't have a drawstring.
C) The hair is wrong. Please wash/cut/style that mess immediately.
D) THE BEER IS WRONG!!! WHO BUYS ONLY 4 BEERS AT A TIME? HONESTLY? HAVE YOU EVER ONLY BOUGHT 4 BEERS????
Leave your answer in the comments.
Isn't she lovely, everyone? Britney Spears carefully selects a pink, but not too pink outfit to parade around in. This outfit screams, "Sure I may have just been dumped by my Jewish model boyfriend, you may have heard that I've been snorting my way into parties as of late, and you may also have heard that I was looking all trashy in New York recently, going on about how old 24 is, or about me getting my gay on, BUT LOOK AT MY PINK OUTFIT Y'ALLS! AREN'T I JUST TOO CUTE?!?!"
To answer your question, Britney, no...you are not too cute. You are too-a lot of things-but cute is not one of them. And Britney and Isaac do not get a break up song. You have to be together for more than 5 minutes to get such an honor.
Guess which celebrity looks like her cracked out boyfriend blew his load in her hair two weeks ago and she hasn't brushed or washed since. It's always nice to keep a part of them...in your hair. Leave your guesses in the comments, then check back later for the answer!!!
An old man confused Will Smith with Barack Obama. I am really starting to feel bad for Barack Obama here. First he was confused with Osama Bin Laden, and then he was mistaken as a sex offender:
And now, people think Will Smith is Barack Obama (which is practically like confusing him with a sex offender again). But you know, I get this, because, as a straight white person, all y'all people who aren't straight and/or white look the same to me. Asians, Latinos, Blacks, Asians, Astronauts, Gays, Asians...it's all one big non-white confusing mess. So I ask you to help me clear up a few things:
Here we have Randy Jackson and Star Jones...but who is the top, and who is the bottom in this fearsome twosome???
Here we have an extra twist of confusion. These people are white, but think that they are black. Who the hell are these two? Tell them apart for me, and then someone mark one of their backs with something so I can forever tell the difference.
And finally, Round Three:
Here we have some asian, and another asian. Can you tell them apart? I sure as shit can't.
According to Page Six, the sex tape in which Ray J (Brandy's brother) pees on Kim Kardashian (Some dumb bitch that is friends with Paris Hilton) is real (click here for the trailer, needless to say NSFW), and will be released on Feb. 28 under the title "Kim Kardashian Superstar". I can only hope that this porn is a spoof on Jesus Christ Superstar, filled with singing and urination. When Kim's rep was asked for comment, he said:
"Are you [bleep]ing me? Kim is going to die . . . are you sure?" Later, he added, "She will be taking legal action against anyone responsible for this. She was unaware of this and caught completely off-guard."
Smooooth. My question is to all of you boycotting all things Paris Hilton. Due to her recent use of the "N" and the "F"'s, GLAAD has been all up on P-Hilton, demanding an apology. GLAAD President and ruler of the gays, Neil G. Giuliano, is all like:
“These are not frivolous words, and to use them as if they are gives tacit sanction to the racism and homophobia they engender. Hilton has an obligation to go on the record, explain herself, and publicly apologise to the LGBT and African American communities and all those offended by these slurs.”
MMMMMmmmmhhhhhmmmm! That's right you hateful bitch! I'm offended and I'm not black or gay! Literally, anyway. I'm both in my heart. But, I digress.
I'm all for a boycott of this bitch, but I would really like to see her BFF getting a nice yellow stream in the face. I can only hope that Ray J was taking Urigro, and knocks her out with a pee forceful like a firehose:
I vote to boycott all things Paris (excluding this sex tape) including PEREZ HILTON. We all know how I feel about that asshole, and the fact that he was calling for Isaiah Washington's head when he uttered the hateful "F" is merely icing on the cake. I'm done with him, and all I want to know is...who's coming with me???
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Did you know that before Ali Larter of Heroes was breaking steel and taser-ing psychiatrists, and before she was looking fabulous just walking down the street, as seen here:
She was hawking Designer Imposters body spray, seen here:
In other news, I used to think Heroes reeked, but I believe that was my Designer Imposters body spray. More on that later in the week...
If you think that ultra-annoying designer Isaac Mizrahi is gonna let a little thing like being confined to a wheelchair after being in a car accident stop him from rolling down the runway, think again. I can only hope that he screamed, "Thank you all dear friends...FOR COMING TO MY FASHION SHOW!", Paul Reubens in 30 Rock style. Don't know what the H I'm talking about? You should really be watching 30 Rock, but check out the clip here.
And, Isaac, when this world runs out of ridiculously annoying fashion designers, we won't still have each other...Ah, Starship.
Wait a second...Kim Cattrall is the Mannequin in the movie Mannequin? My love for Starship teaches me something new everyday!