Friday, January 26, 2007

Nice Shirt



Anyone know where I can get that shirt? I figure, if I slap "LOVE THAT" across my vag-zone, perhaps people will actually start loving my vagina, and I think Lindsay had the same idea.

And if you're thinking, "Hey, isn't Lohan in rehab?" Yes, she is. And if you're now thinking, "But, it looks like she's grocery shopping..." Yes, she is. Damn, can't a bitch go grocery shopping and be in rehab at the same time without you getting all up in her shit? For real, you need to take a lesson from her shirt, hater.

She's not skinny, she's blonde y'all



Let me first apologize for deeming this "gossip-worthy", as this is a little known thing that i like to call "fact". Perhaps all y'all haters have heard of that word? People are making fun Mary-Kate Olsen today because her rep is saying that she has not fallen off the "eating wagon" and relapsed back into anorexia, and her friend has chimed in with this little bit of TRUTH:

“The blonde hair she has now makes her look skinny.”


Um, obviously. This is not "news" people. It has been well-known since the beginning of time that not only do blondes have more fun, but they are also the skinniest (and therefore best, and most popular) bitches on the block. I said I wasn't going to do this. I wanted to keep up the anonymity that the blog world so easily allows us, but to prove this point, I will share some pictures of myself. So, behold:

Here is Girl #1 as a brunette:



I know, I'm really insanely pretty, but could stand to lose a few. So I dyed my hair blonde, and:



If blonde hair makes you look skinny, a blonde mullet makes you look fabulous! Aren't I RADIANT???!!!! THINLY RADIANT, AT THAT??

Hi-Ya..bitch I'm Yakuza!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Miss me with that foolishness, is what Blasian and Yakuza member Kimora Lee Simmons was screaming at Alicia Keys' b'day. Moments after peeps such as Clive Davis and Miss-Elliot finished giving Alicia Keys her birthday beating song, you could hear Kimora screaming, "Get up on out my face bitch!".

Guests wheeled around to find the designing wife of rap mogul Russell Simmons yelling at a woman in jeans and a tan vest. "Kimora said that the woman had thrown a drink at her," says one attendee. "She didn't look wet to me. But security grabbed the girl and ushered her out."

Asked by another guest what the fight was about, the woman said, "She's jealous of me!"

The woman couldn't be reached yesterday. Kimora's rep described her as "a disrespectful fan" who "accosted" Simmons. One source added, "Kimora doesn't even know this person, but [the woman] constantly shows up at events where Kimora is expected. Frankly, it's a little scary. Kimora is looking into getting a restraining order."


Source

Choose your own Adventure



VS.







You can only watch one video. Because I said so, not because you are unable to, you could watch both if you want, but what fun would that be?

Above, you have a commerical for WowWee Chimpanzee Aive Life Like Chimp Head . Below, you have an edited for You Tube clip of various videos found on the scandalous website of the week, parisexposed.com. The commerical above, 31 seconds. The video below, 25 freaking minutes. I bet you've never seen a robot Chimpanzee head, but I can almost guarantee that no matter who you are, you've probably seen everything there is to see in the video below (although, don't quote me on that...as there is no way in hell I was sitting through 25 minutes of her). The choice is yours, WORLD. Robot Chimpanzee head, or Paris Hilton. One final thing: Subscription to parisexposed.com = $40. Robot Chimpanzee head = priceless...or, I mean, $70. Make the wise decision. Cash in your change jar at home for the extra $30 and get the Robot Chimpanzee head. Tell me in the comments which one you would choose.

"I Love New York" update

I must be honest, I was very excited to see "I Love New York", the spin-off of "Flavor of Love". I watched the premire, had mixed feelings, and have not watched the show again. However, I just caught the following clip, thanks to the lovely folks over at Crunk and Disorderly, and I'm going to have to start watching this trash again. This dude gets so emotional (baby), he cries and throws himself down some stairs. SO. GOOD. Please enjoy:



"I know that when I go home and any time that I leave from here man, anything can happen to me. And it happened to Tupac and it happened to Biggie."

Uh...



Uh...


Hmmm....


Er....

Again, rarely am I at a loss for words, but I really don't know what to say about this...so i will say this:


And...one more thing. No, this is not ok. And I don't care if it's Ewan McGregor, I don't give an eff who it is. A leather jacket with fringe combined with a kilt is not okay for anyone. Not even him. Sigh.

Someone needs a spanking.



If Madonna is truly concerned with making everyone believe that her family is one big happy bunch, perhaps she should let Rocco in on the trick. He is clearly throwing the whole thing off. Someone should break off a switch and teach him a lesson, Joe Jackson style. Hey, it worked wonders for Michael.

How Eddie Murphy Sees Asians...



Here is Eddie Murphy, cleverly disguised as an Asian named "Mr. Wong" in his new film, Norbit. That is an Academy Award Nominee, ladies and gentlemen. But upon seeing this, I can see how "Ching-Chong-Ching-Chong" was deemed offensive, but this one...not so much. "The Gay" is a Gaysian (Gay/Asian), so being part Asian, please help me decide if this is funny, offensive, both, or neither.

EDIT:
The Gay Here...I'd have to say neither. This is actually a good depiction of asians because he looks remarkably close to my grandfather. Blacks and Asians are almost the same, but our tans are more a light mocha compared to their deep rust. ching-chang-chong-chong-wong FOREVA, yo!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Paris loves the chainsaw

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


So some horny dudes and dudettes paid the 40$ to get at the misc. items that have been meticulously cataloged from Paris Hilton's storage space. You'd think it'd be all trash, but we have learned a few things about Paris that probably have been assumed but never confirmed. The following is a list of some of the more interesting items..

* Random perscription bottles of generic vicodin, ambien, and valtrex. Yep thats right folks, valtrex worked for paris, so it can work for YOU!

* A medical bill from a Los Angeles clinic, billing an "Amber Taylor" - with the same birth date as Paris - for a miscarriage in March 2003. (Probably from the stress of not knowing who the baby daddy was)

* A journal analyzing her booze-fueled dreams.

* Her reality TV co-star Nicole Richie's University of Arizona ID card.

* Sister Nicky's Nevada marriage certificate.

* Several bank statements, including one with an ending monthly balance of just $9.26.

* Home videos she shot of visits with her sick grandmother.

* To-do lists that include an assortment of errands, including a reminder to buy Christmas gifts.

I've also seen some of the videos from this vault. It's all naked Paris. Her ex fiance, hot model Jason Shaw doesn't give us a hot wang shot at all :( But the video I am waiting forward to leaking is one where a group of guys allegedly snorts a kilo of cocaine off a body oooh.

Bitch really is a cocked up and a coked up whore hoy hoy puns. i love puns. Puns are punny!

Come and Get It Pose

Sssssshhhhhh! If we are real quiet and can get real close, we can witness something AMAZING! Something often seen in senior pictures in high school yearbooks, and cheerleading competitions, but rarely seen being performed by celebrities. Oh...I think I see it...Yes...There it is!!!...



My God...It's even more beautiful in person. My friends, bear witness to Antonio Banderas performing the coveted "Come and Get It" pose. This is a very difficult move to master, but as your undoubted arousal is surely telling you, this pose makes one want to "come and get it" as soon as it can be gotten. If you are a dude and this picture just gave you a boner at work, I apologize. If you have the courage and tenacity to muster a closer look, please...follow me...



Dear Cruise, it is unfathomable how lucky we are to have seen this. If you are a dude and just blew your load in your pants at work...I'm really sorry about that.

Reading Lesson

Here we have Felicity Keri Russell, showing us the correct way to read to children:

Note the smile, the generally happy expression, the warmth, and the caring nature of this celebrity as she reads "Where the Wild Things Are" to some kinders.

Now, let's take a look at how Gwyneth Paltrow reads to children:


Gwyneth Paltrow: And now, we're gonna try something pretty simple. It's called reading. Who wants to try?

Kid 1: ...But...We don't know how to read!


Gwyneth Paltrow: Wha-Who the fuck said that?

*silence*

Gwyneth Paltrow: Was it you in the back? Huh, fucktard? How bout you give it a go...if you think you're so GREAT?! YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME? I'M FAKE BRITISH!



Gwyneth Paltrow: I SAID

READ IT!!!







And that, dear readers, is how NOT to read to children.

Jessica Alba Eats, Man wears Short Pants

Hollywood has been lame lately. The big story today is about Nicole Kidman getting in an accident during a movie shoot, but the bitch is okay, so I don't know why I even heard about this in the first place. If someone hasn't at least lost a limb, I don't want to hear about it...so I assume y'all don't either. But when Jessica Alba goes to lunch with some dude wearing women's flared short pants, I feel it is my duty to share these photos with you. So here you go:

Here they are lunching:


Here are the short pants:

And Here's Jessica Alba wearing the sunglasses that she always has on. They make her look a bit downsy., no?


Source

Harry Potter just got a whole lot sexier!



Lookie, Lookie at this new still from the latest installment of Harry Potter: "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". Dare I say, it looks like Hermione is going to be taking it up a slutty notch, and therefore possibly taking it "up" other places too? And, judging from this photo, it looks like Rachel Dratch will be playing Harry Potter. This will definitely be the best Harry Potter movie ever.

Mandy Fights.



Mandy Moore is all fists and elbows as a fan tries get closer to the star who has made the rather unfortunate decision to bone DJ AM. This picture clearly shows how scrappy Mandy Moore truly can be, and I hope she takes her aggression out on DJ AM on a daily basis. In other Mandy Moore news, the singer has posted a new blog on her myspace, detailing all the fantastic things that she's been doing. Most importantly, this blog has a number you can call and leave a message for Ms. Moore. Oh, you know I called that shit. I will be checking periodically throughout the day to see if my message made it to the blog. Something tells me it won't, as I mentioned something along the lines of DJ AM not being good enough for her, and that he's not appreciating all the "loving that you're feeding to maaeee. Can't do without it, this feeling's got me weak in the knnaaahe" (that's one knee). If you have no idea what the eff I'm talking about, perhaps you should watch this video featuring a young and scrawny Mandy Moore, Vespas, and the kind of saccharine pop dreams are made of. The song, "Candy". The joy one feels when watching it, Overwhelming.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Bruce Campbell continues to be sweet.



Bruce Campbell does an Old Spice commercial. He is the only living man that can do a commerical for Old Spice, and turn it into something far more special.

Source

Fast Food Workers: "We ain't like K-Fed"



Real-life fast food workers are all fired up (get it--like the GRILLS!) about Kevin Federline's latest acting gig in which he portrays a fast food worker in a 30 second spot for Nationwide. According to The New York Post:

" Annika Stensson, a spokeswoman for the National Restaurant Association...fired off a scathing letter to Nationwide CEO Jerry Jurgensen for giving the impression that working in a restaurant is 'demeaning and unpleasant.'"


Uh...Sorry to break it to you Annika...but it kind of is. I worked at 2 different fast food places as a wee-Girl #1, and that shit sucks. People are dicks, you work in a vat of grease all day and night, and you get paid practically zero. It's not like we all thought that working in fast food was a glamourous life that we all aspired to attain, and then K-Fed did the commerical and we were all like, "Whoa...Whoa...Whoa...K-Fed is in a commerical where he works in fast food? COUNT ME OUT! I'm going to college!"

No, unfortunately I made the decision to go to college all on my own. And by getting a four-year degree, I can be the fucking MANAGER at the Taco Bell up the street. I've created a pretty amazing taco using every ingredient on the condiment station (That's industry talk for where we make the food) that will make you feel like you are tasting heaven in a delicious, processed, artificial form. Come hit me up at the Taco Bell on Woodward, bitches. I'll hook y'all UP!

Paris Fashion Week

Besides Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham running around looking like goth twins, what else is going on at Paris Fashion Week? Here are some celebrities at the Chanel Haute Couture show:

How to watch a runway show, lesson 1 (featuring Kate Bosworth, Diane Kruger, and Sofia Coppola):


First, with hand gently rested on chin, gaze lovingly down the runway, as if the clothes that are about to make their way down were designed exclusively for you to look at. If you are Sofia Coppola, make sure someone is taking a picture of you.


Second, shift positions ever so slightly, being careful not to bruise your body by equally distributing the weight of your 35lb. frame on your pelvic bone. The loving gaze now turns to judgement, as you would not be caught dead in such trash.


And finally, judgement turns into bordem/hunger, as your delirium from not eating for weeks finally sets in, and you wish that fabulous dress was a hamburger instead.

And apparently, they are now letting crack whores into the fashion shows:

Yeah...the one on the left. Wait, isn't that...

EEEEEEEEE-YIPES! Vanessa Paradis is jacked y'all. And that jacked-up grill gets to have Johnny Depp all up in her. Jealous? Jealous to the point that you would trade your grill for hers? I didn't think so...

And I'll let y'all come up with your own thoughts on this one...I'm at a loss...

Can Someone Please Explain...



...Why Monique didn't sieze this god given opprotunity to rid the world of Janice Dickinson once and for all. You can tell just by the look on Monique's face that she is mere moments away from destroying this monster. What stayed her hand? Please explain to me, in the comments!

K.Fed wants all the people who diss him in Rehab!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Kevin Federline apparently thinks its the drugs that make people not want to be with him anymore. First, he unsuccessfully attempted to get into LindsayMorganLohan's pantalones. The texts went somethin' like this ---

Kevin - yo yo lindsay "we should hang out" word, boo.
Lindsay - hoy hoy hoy hoy "why would i hang out with you" *snort* *snort* *giggle*

Being the hobag that she is, even Lindsay Lohan wasn't stupid enough to fall for Federline's wiley ways...but now look where she is now...REHAB.

Star Magazine now claims that FedUp has partnered up with Lynne Spears (brit's mama)to send Britney to rehab. He "cares" about the health of his childrens. or something.

“Kevin has tried to convince Britney to check herself into rehab from every possible angle,” a source told the tab. “First he tried threatening to take away the kids, then he tried pleading with her to take care of herself.” Federline is also concerned that Spears doesn’t spend enough time with their children, claims the insider. “They’re being raised by strangers,” he said. “He told Britney to get help before it’s too late.”

This is not what I needed to hear so early in the morning.



Gays, you may recognize that picture above. That is, if you are the type of gay who watches Spartacus. If not, that is Kirk Douglas, and he is now 90 years old.



Yep. And this 90 year old just wrote his memoir that details his kinky sex life. YYEEEUUBLLAAHEEEBB. I'm sorry. That was my attempt to type the sound of me shuddering, overcome with a creepy, disgusting feeling upon thinking of this 90 year old dude talking about boning. Page Six made the rather unfortunate choice to run this as their top story today. In which, Douglas recounts his experiences with many a-bitch.

"[Douglas] recalls a fling with a "big, tall blond" German airline stewardess who liked to be disciplined in bed. During their enthusiastic sex sessions, "she would scream, 'I'm a Nazi!' - which was his cue to slap her, which he did, Douglas writes."


He goes on to tell about how his teacher took his precious man-flower, and he got to bone a "beautiful young redhead" by writing her shitty poetry, a trick that I'm pretty sure is still working today, judging only by the fact that a guy can give me a bazooka joe comic and tell me it's a poem, and I'll grant him entry...but this isn't about me. This is about old Douglas and his sexcapades.

Douglas would do anything for love, but according to the memoir, he wouldn't do that. And that is finally defined as taking a ho up on her offer for a free place to stay in exchange for some boning. I would like to also make the declaration that Douglas is a dirty liar. He continues to go on and on about doing it in his book, "Let's Face It - 90 Years of Living, Loving and Learning", that will be out on March 23, 2007. So sorry lovebirds, you won't be able to give it as a gift to your special someone on Valentine's Day this year. May I make a suggestion? Wait for the audiobook, and listen to it together as a couple. Nothing screams "Let's get it on!" like a 90 year old gently cooing the tales of his sex romps over the sweet sounds of oxygen tanks and med breaks.

Damn you, Posh Spice!



I hate when people I don't like look good. Lucky for me, Katie Holmes' scientologist-ass looks about 30 years older than she actually is by wearing that little ensemble. And she looks even worse standing next to Victoria Beckham, who looks pretty amazing. Take note, Poshy...if you go the scientologist route like your little friend over there, those are the outfits that your new "handlers" will be forcing you to wear. And because of that, Victoria Beckham will never become a scientologist. She's just too damn vain...and fabulous?

Source

Paris Hilton is anally violated with a chainsaw!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Oh, woe is me. Can something ever go right for our beloved heiress? First, she was pleaded no contest to the drunk driving charge and got slapped on her dainty wrists with only 3 years of probation. On Tuesday, Parisexposed.com launched. For a monthly fee of 39.97$, ya'll can peruse items left by Paris in a storage unit. What had happened was, Paris' accountant forgot to pay for said storage unit and so all her business got sold to the highest bidder. The BEST PART you ask? Well it promises it has "has various shots of Hilton in "racy situations," and footage of her drinking with friends and using illegal substances." Her troll like publicist, who is magical for getting her famous, Eliot Mintz says, "We certainly are going to explore all of our legal options about this matter."

Why would you pay 40$, we have already seen all her lady parts for free. And like her wonky eye is worth your hard earned dollars. And for the illegal substances..I ask you, pray tell, what is she smoking in the picture above? Hmm hmm...?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Gays, take a good look at this.

The Bible Says



Add to My Profile | More Videos

Hmmmmm...is this real? What the shit is this? I mean, I already knew that God hated Fags (I mean come on, that's kinda common knowledge in today's day, no?)...but putting it to a sweet rocking acoustic jam makes the painful slur...bittersweet? Listen closely gays, and maybe you'll heed the call and start hating yourself.

So, I took the bait and went to his website, www.lovegodsway.org. He LISTS "gay bands" and "safe bands"!!! Here are some examples of "safe bands":

*Cyndi Lauper
*Jars of Clay
*Cyndi Fucking Lauper
*P.O.D
*Seriously? Cyndi Lauper?
*DC Talk
*Okay...I can't get over Cyndi Lauper. How is that hag safe?

Unfortunately, the link for "Gay Bands" isn't working, but we all know of a few, so let's just list them:

*Creed
*Daughtry
*30 Seconds to Mars
*Fall Out Boy
*
*
*

They also have a section called C.H.O.P.S. which stands for CHANGING HOMOSEXUALS into ORDINARY PEOPLE. Yeah, I shit you not. I know all y'all gays have been longing for the days that you could call yourself an ordinary person. Well now, thanks to this douchebag, you can be more like regulars! Please don't confuse this C.H.O.P.S. with that other C.H.O.P.S. though. You know, the one that stands for CHEERFULLY HANDLING yours and OTHER PEOPLE'S SACKS. That one is totally gay.

via Gawker

EDIT:
You Tube is totally being a fucking asshole and censoring this guy who is clearly only trying to spread a message of love, tolerance and peace. Here is what he had to say about it on his Myspace Page:

Video on MySpace

Well friends, YouTube took down the video that Evening Service and I have worked so hard on. I don't know what hurts more; being censored because of my message or people making fun of my weight. Hopefully MySpace believes in freedom of expression more than Google does. Maybe China isn't the only country Google is censoring. ;-)

Spread the Word
Keep the Faith

Donnie D.

ps. If any of ya'll post the video anywhere else please tell us!



I think that all y'all gays should head on over to his myspace and tell him about the other C.H.O.P.S. and see if he'd be at all interested.

Why the British Rule.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Here is the highly anticipated part two of the soccer boys orgy. I love this porn just because the boys are so hot and i wish American athletes would do this type of bonding!

Link To Part 1

Link to Part 2

STDs makes not a sexpert.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

TMZ Photo

Okay honestly is paris the true fire crotch? Who buys panties lookin' like that. She is pure trashella. The guys who brought us One Night In Paris, is creating a reality tv series where Jenna Jameson and Paree Hilton will show them how to get some hot virgine.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


I think some Gays would get these virgins some hot punan faster than an over collagened former porn star and the std magnet. Just my two cents

The Duel!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


I must redeem myself after a lackluster showing at the Golden Globes...so Girl #1 I challenge thee once again for the Oscar Nominations.

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

This was a critics favorite but did shitty at the box office. They have to award in film excellence and allegedly, they know better.


Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O’Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

The creepy eyes wins this! He beat a double nominee come on now.

Best Actress
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

Obvious choice.

Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Dijmon Hinsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

I dont know how Mark Wahlberg can be nominated he was in like 20min of the really long movie.

Best Supporting Actress
Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Riko Kikuchi, Babel

I, repping the entire asian colonies, would like to disown Riko Kikuchi. Ahaha bitch aint got no stylez. Go J. Hud!

Best Director
Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Paul Greengrass, United 93
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Babel
Martin Scorsese, The Departed

The better movie will win for better director.

Best Original Screenplay
Babel, Guillermo Arriaga
Letters from Iwo Jima, Iris Yamashita
Little Miss Sunshine, Michael Arndt
El Laberinto del Fauno (Pan's Labyrinth), Guillermo del Toro
The Queen, Peter Morgan

Best Adapted Screenplay
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, Sacha Baron Cohen, Anthony Hines, Peter Baynham, Dan Mazer, Todd Phillips
Children of Men, Alfonso Cuarón, Timothy J. Sexton, David Arata, Mark Fergus, Hawk Ostby
The Departed, William Monahan
Little Children, Todd Field, Tom Perrotta
Notes on a Scandal, Patrick Marber

Downer of the Day



Hey! Remember ABC? Another Bad Creation??? No???? Sure you do...



At the playgrooounnnd! I always prefered the song "Iesha", but that is neither here nor there. The real question is: Where Are They Now? Man, I bet they are doing SWEET! When you are that cool as a kid...the only way you can go is up, right??? RIGHT???



AW MAN! Why are you all hudled in a subway, lookin' all trashy? That's really too bad...

If you think you can handle a more detailed, bigger picture, go toCrunk & Disorderly - if you dare!

Merry Cruise-mas!



Scientologists are proclaiming that Tom Cruise is "Scientology's Christ-like figure". So, in a move expected by no one (yet everyone since the scientologists are all completely insane) Tom Cruise went from regular human...to a god. Or, God-like figure, at least. Which makes me happy, because now my "Maverick is my co-pilot" bumper sticker has some relevance.

Source

A little side boob for dat ass...



John Mayer and Jessica Simpson hung out together. They, like, went to dinner and shit. All that. First, let me say that this relationship totally makes sense to me. They both are dumbasses, so I can see how this is working out. Second, let me say that this story would mean nothing to me, except for the fact that Jessica Simpson flashed a little side boob:




Ah, the side boob. Flattering, not so much. Hilarious...INDEED! Really though, I'm just jealous that I will never get to experience that which is flashing a little side boob, for my boobs are just too small. SIGH. There's no side boob for us modestly sized women, there's only the complete flash of boob. If I were wearing this dress, you would see nothing but titty, as my boobs aren't big enough to hold back the fabric. And I don't want to hear a thing from you big boobed ladies, complaining about your magnificent big boobs. Everything you say is a lie, and we both know it. The side boob is just one of the many, many reasons why big boobs are superior.

Also, seeing boob written in this post so many times really goes to show what a great word BOOB is. Try to use it as many times as you can today!

The Diseasedie and the Nottie?



Here is a picture of Paris Hilton and whoever the hell* plays the ugly one on the set of her new movie "The Hottie and the Nottie". While the film has gone to great lengths to make Paris Hilton the attractive one, and the other one all hideously ugly...I'm gonna put money on the fact that most people would take the Nottie over Paris Hilton's diseased ass. The Nottie may not look that great, but you know she would never leave you with violently uncomfortable dieseases like the other one would.

Source

*And if you really must know, the Nottie is played by Christine Lakin. Yep, I don't know who that is, nor do I care. In fact, this is the last time I'll ever state the name of someone that I don't care about. Remember that, bitches.

OSCAR NOMINATIONS, BITCHES!


This is Beyonce, upon hearing that no, she was not nominated for an Oscar this morning.

Unfortunately for me, I am at WORK. So I didn't get to watch the nominations being read, instead, I got to listen to a bunch of assholes on the radio talking over the nominations and saying "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...NO ONE CARES" over all the nominations. I hate morning talk radio so much, why do I continue to listen to it?????? WHY????!!! Anywhooooo...Here are the nominees, along with my picks, which all y'all already know are superior to the picks of my co-bloggers, as I wasted both of them with my picks for the Golden Globes.

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Best movie of the year! However, Que shocking that Dreamgirls didn't get nominated, no? And if we are talking upsets, I am seriously shocked that more attention wasn't given to Children of Men. While the story was lacking a little, I thought it was more than made up for by the cinematography. Also, I guess I'm gonna have to see Little Miss Sunshine. Was it really that great?

Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O’Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

The black men will cancel each other out, and the other two are too young. I haven't seen Blood Diamond, either. Was that really that great? I'm surprised he wasn't nominated for The Departed. The Academy loves old, British people, so O'Toole will probably take this one.

Best Actress
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

This is a tough one. I would think that the old dames would cancel each other out. We all know how much everyone loooooooooves Meryl, I'm gonna go with the dark horse in this one and pick Penelope. People love Almodovar, and everyone other option seems so obvious. OH YEAH - Suck it, Beyonce.

Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Dijmon Hinsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

EEEEWWWWWWW - That creepy molester dude from Little Children??? REALLY? Is it because he played a creepy molester dude??? LAME. I hate nominations like that. I'm not saying he didn't do it well, but come on, was it really that great? Why does the academy always like the creepy molester? Little Miss Sunshine is really throwing me off in this category because I haven't seen it, but the comedys rarely win. I'm going with Mark Wahlberg again. I'm sorry, y'all, but I love him, and honestly think that he is one of the most underrated actors of our time. This is my "wish" pick, where, against my better judgement, I'm going with the one I want to win, rather than the one (Eddie Murphy?) I think is going to win.



Best Supporting Actress
Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Riko Kikuchi, Babel

I really hope Jennifer Hudson wins, and I think she might, despite being up against Cate Blanchett (who, lets be honest here, is her only competition). I think it's cute that the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine was nominated, although just because she is young does not make her exempt from my ridicule on the red carpet, so she best not show up lookin' like a ho. Babel...I really didn't go crazy for this like everyone else, am I alone on this??? Although, I do respect the nomination of Adriana Barraza (The nanny in the movie), but I don't respect the nomination of Riko Kikuchi (the crazy Japanese girl who gets nekkid), not only because I didn't think the crazy Japanese girl was that great, but because she looked a hot mess at the golden globes, and I'm not ready for that all over again.

Best Director
Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Paul Greengrass, United 93
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Babel
Martin Scorsese, The Departed

Fucker has never won. He's gonna win. The end.

I'll put the rest of my picks as a comment in this post, as a lot of you don't care, but I know some of you do! What are your picks? Post them in the comments!!! WHOOOOO! GO OSCARS!

Monday, January 22, 2007

BABIES!




Sometimes being a cynical asshole can prove to be too much, even for someone like me, who has been hating on things since birth. When the weight of the world comes down, and it seems as if there are only stupid jerk faces occupying the planet, I like to try and focus what little positive energy remains on a cute baby. Unfortunately for me, I have far too much rage, so my joy at seeing a cute baby quickly turns to violence. Now, I would never actually harm a baby, but I definitely talk about it. Things like:

"Oh my God, That baby is so cute I want to punch it in the face."

"Sweet Jesus, I could take that baby and throw it through a window, it is so cute."

"My dear lord, I wish I could punt that baby like a football, its cuteness overwhelms me so!"

Things of that nature. So, with that being said, here is Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal's baby Ramona. This baby is so cute I could stab it in the eyes with a knife. Not really though.