Friday, January 19, 2007

Is Kelly Slater surfing his way into Cameron's vagina?




If so, I sure hope he knows how to get around the nasty strain of crabs that's all up in there! HA! Get it! Ocean/Surfing/CRABS????!!!! My god, I'm hilarious.

TMZ is speculating that these two may, in fact, be bumpin' uglies. And Cameron Diaz couldn't have picked a better day to surf with this "Kelly Slater" fella, as I only remotely care due to the fact that this story is about a half a step above Hugh Grant taking a whizz (yes, before you ask, that is the correct spelling of whizz) in terms of things that I care about. Especially considering that the only Slater I ever wanted to hear about is that of the A.C. variety. That was until he went on "Dancing with the Stars". Now I would like to never hear, say, or type the word "Slater" ever again. Startiiiiiiing...NOW! So if this dude and Cameron continue their wild, STD-infested affair, I will need to call him something else. I was thinking "wang-cap", because, you know, he's bald, but feel free to make some suggestions in the comments.

Who wore it best?




Who wore those stupid sunglasses best? And while we're at it...Who is the better artist, NAY...MUSICIAN. Have a spirited debate, in the comments!

BREAKING NEWS: Hugh Grant goes pee!!!!!



Just when you think that there isn't a news source as relevant and hard hitting as Page Six, TMZ comes along and once again proves that they are RIGHT THERE...IN THE ZONE! Telling us about when stars go pee! Yes, Hugh Grant went pee at JFK International Airport. I'm a bit speachless here...but I imagine the decision to run such a fine story went something like this:

Harvey Levin: (Sighs) Man...it is a slllllooo-o-o-o-ow day for gossip huh?

TMZ Staff: Sure is.

Harvey Levin: Nothing's happening at Sundance yet?

TMZ Staff: Nope.

*Crickets Chirping*

Harvey Levin: ...Still got that video of Hugh Grant going into a bathroom at the airport?

TMZ Staff: Uh...I think so?

Harvey Levin: RUN IT!

For all y'all who think that I don't post enough, at least I give you important stories, such as Beyonce's armpits, or Paris Hilton's lazy eye. Girl #1 would never report on the #1's of others, unless the #1's are happening in public, or better yet, literally directed at someone's face.

You better believe I'm sourcing this.

Beyonce's armpits are fabulous!



Here is Beyonce's right armpit at the 2007 Golden Globe Awards



And here is Beyonce's left armpit at the premire of Dreamgirls in Paris.

Those are the hottest armpits I've ever seen in all of my life. If you need me, I'll be at the gym doing armpit exersizes (suck them in...relax...repeat) until I feel better about myself.

Colbert: "I think owls are a waste of time"




Last night was the much anticipated face-off between Stephen Colbert and Bill O'Reilly. Or, as much as a face-off as you can get from two guys who really don't disagree on that much. On the O'Reilly Factor, Stephen Colbert admitted to his fear of Bears (which can be seen above). And on The Colbert Report, Bill O'Reilly pronounced that NBC is ruining our country (which can be seen here). Who came out on top in this mental orgy that at times reached bareback proportions?

I think the answer is obvious. We did, AMERICA. Speaking for all Americans, we would like to thank you, Co'Reilly, for letting us witness you ride each other.

IT'S ALMOST HERE!




If you are like me, you have been anxiously awaiting the emancipation of Liza Minelli and David Gest from the shackles of a fake marriage. Well, wait no more! Actually...wait a couple more weeks but then, that's right! Liza Minelli and David Gest will soon be officially bachelorettes once again! According to this, it seems like the two...beards? will quietly divorce within a couple weeks. The only thing I'm sad about is the quietness of it all, I prefer a bloody, raging battle when it comes to divorces, but I'll gladly take this. The two most attractive people on the planet will soon be up for grabs once again! I just can't decide which one I would rather be with. The closeted cry baby or the raging alcoholic? They both are such fantastic options! I think I'm going to go with Liza, if for nothing else, for this:

Paris Hilton has a lazy eye, and you like it.



Page Six has a breaking story, AS USUAL, so brace yourself fuckers...you don't even know what's about it hit you...

PARIS HILTON HAS A LAZY EYE! Wait...you already knew that? Well, I guess you would seeing as you don't really need someone to tell you that, you just need to take a look at her mug and see that something, besides her face in general, is just a little off. BUT...did you know that Paris Hilton had surgery to try to correct it??????? YOU DIDN'T? Thank god for Page Six. I don't know if I could have lived my life not knowing that. Something would have always been missing...

Here's what TGG is dropping...Did you know that you like a lazy eye? You do. You may not really know it, but it's true! A lazy eye has a power unbeknownst to man. Men are inevitably attracted to this power. And before I go into this further, let me say that I mean a lazy eye like this:




Not like this:



The key to the power of the lazy eye, is its subtlty. It has to make a man wonder, "...Is she looking at me?" "Wait...is she winking?" "What is going on here?" The lazy eye is the most powerful form of intrigue. This is why I've often pondered stabbing myself in the eye, just to achieve this higher form of power. Unfortunately I've always stopped myself for fear of turning out like our friend above. I don't understand why Paris would try to get rid of such an incredible tool. But, as we all know, Paris Hilton is a dumbass, and I think her dumbassery trumps the lazy eye anyway.

What's Happening in Detroit, you ask?

We apologize for interrupting your regularly scheduled celebrity gossip, but from time to time, I feel compelled to share a little bit of news from the fair city of Detroit, MI. I vow to use discretion, and only bring you the finest stories (in moderation, of course) from the (what should stop being referred to as) Motor City.



This is Nathaniel Abraham, the youngest convicted murderer in Michigan. He was 11 years old when he shot a man with a rifle. And he was just released from jail at age 21. He was also the first person in Michigan to be tried as an adult in a serious felony case. At first glance, you think that this child may have been reformed in our penal system. Take a look at this, dare I say, kinda hot? straight-up-murderer at an earlier hearing, before his release:



Now look at him being released from jail:



Oh no...someone should have told him that the look that he is trying to pull off, is not really working in '07. I don't even think it was working in 1997. What would compel someone to re-enter the world trying to big pimp in that way? I'm not saying that he is any more or less reformed because of his choice of attire, I'm merely judging the clothes here. A certain radio personality here in the area was going off about how people in Detroit dress like this, and that it is wrong to make comments about his "freedom attire". I've seen people in Detroit dressed like this, but not ALL people in Detroit dress like this. And I've certainly seen very few 21 year old men dressed like this. That is unless you include the "Pimp and Ho" parties that are ever so popular in the metro Detroit area. Perhaps that's where he was going...

Click Here for more on the story, as well as some video of the release.

Now back to our regularly scheduled gossip...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

What film will Meryl Streep chastise you for not seeing this year???

The Sundance Film Festival is a joke. A somewhat entertaining joke, but a joke nonetheless. A bunch of stars fly to Utah, get a bunch of free crap, and some of them try to get you to see their usually shitty "independent" film. This year proves to be more of the same...but let's see what it has to offer, shall we?



"Waitress" Actress Adrienne Shelly was murdered before the film she wrote and directed could open at Sundance.

Hmmm...well that tells me nothing about the actual film, but it sounds like a buzzkill nonetheless. PASS.



"For the Bible Tells Me So.” A provocative, revisionist film that movingly intercuts the stories of Christian families with gay members with a theological examination of what the Bible is actually saying when it calls homosexuality an abomination.

I've always wondered what that pesky little bible verse meant! Sounds to me like this will be a feel-good romp for the whole family!


“Chasing Ghosts.” A look at the early days of video gaming, when genially obsessed competitors with “egos the size of cathedrals” duked it out on Donkey Kong and other pursuits.

In a word...AWESOME.

I'm sure we will be hearing much more from Park City in the coming days, so consider this a little taste. If you are greedy and want more, go over to The L.A. Times and check it out.

Here comes the douche parade!



What attracted Britney Spears to her new man Issac Cohen? Perhaps it was an affinity for ridiculously graphic sweatshirts? I know that those sweatshirts are probably TOTALLY expensive and therefore TOTALLY cool, but I think they both look like assholes.

Scrubs: The Musical - TONIGHT!



While a huge part of me hates Zach Braff, I can't help but love Scrubs. Scrubs is a great show, and if you've never seen it, tonight just may be the night to tune in. Turk, or Donald Faison if you prefer his real name, or Dionne's boyfriend Murray in Clueless (I think I've covered all the bases there) said that tonight's musical episode will be "Grey's Anatomy meets American Idol". Clearly, all of the Scrubs fans know that this is a joke, while I hope it will trick all of you Grey's fans to watch tonight.

How can we communicate if you don't hear what I say?



In a bit of happier news, I would like to announce that T.I. and Tameka "Tiny" Cottle (no...that is not a mini-Mariah above, that is a FORMER XSCAPE MEMBER) are expecting a child and engaged! Holy crap, Xscape was a great group. Please check out the video below, which includes, but is not limited to, interpretive dancing in the shadows, sweet acrylics, borderline lesbian fashion, and one of the best slow jams EVER!

Source

Pink drowned her dog, y'all.




According to Splash News Pink's dog, Elvis, drowned in her pool. I'm not sure when this happened exactly, as Splash isn't really revealing its sources, and I thought Pink was currently on tour with Justin Timberlake, doing all sorts of crazy shit, but apparently Pink left to run an errand and left the dog in the backyard. She came back and found her dog floating in the pool. Aw, that's too bad. But...you're telling me this lazy-ass dog couldn't paddle his way to the side of the pool? Sources say "She tried to see if he could be resuscitated, but there was no luck. She was devistated." Ha! Pink tried to give the dog mouth-to-mouth! Oh man, I can't be mean about this...I feel bad for that little dog! The real kicker here is that I feel worse for Pink and her dead dog, than I do for Lindsay Lohan.

We're pulling for you Pink! It will be a long, hard road getting over your faithful companion, but we know you can do it! Lindsay Lohan...sorry, the same can't be said for you. You will most likely fail.

Doing a JC Penny catalog will ruin your marriage



AWWWWWWWWWWW! Here is Lost star Emilie de Ravin and her now-ex husband (after only 6 months of marriage) Josh Janowicz in a photoshoot for JC Penny Wedding Registry. Looks cute! I wonder what went wrong??? Maybe it was the use of these ridiculous slogans that caused the demise of their love:





Um...What? What does that even mean? Pillowcases are meant to be together...forever? Together with the pillow? I don't get it. I've thought up some of my own slogans though...tell me what you think:

"The key to a GREAT MARRIAGE is a Bellagio Leather Chaise Lounge, it also just so happens to be the most expensive thing you can get at JC Penny. Register for it so you don't have to buy it yourself."

"A WIFE is best kept in line by hitting her with a wooden spoon."

"No matter what you've heard, MARRIAGE is not like a toilet bowl brush...but you should register for it anyway, unless you want a dirty toilet."

"A second marriage is like a BLENDER...thrown in equal parts baggage, kids from previous marriage, and fleeting hope, and you'll get a smoothie of LOVE!"

Perhaps if this couple would have taken just a bit more advice from the JC Penny advertising blurbs, their marriage would have worked out.

New Obsession: JP Calderon

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While I don't normally fancy reality tv stars, this guy makes me want to watch the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. Jes, he was on survivor, and yes he was the top to Lance Bass's BF Reichen...he's just so HOT! Don't ya'll agree?

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Next week's episode he's coming out!

Look at my Gams, you drunks and druggies!

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Now it's time to say goodbye to all our family...LiLo has finally checked herself into rehab in a "proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time." She probably realized that she had to go to rehab after her all night partying at Prince's GG party at the Beverly Wilshire found herself passed out in one of the hallways of the hotel. She got pissed that she was still fully clothed and didn't get laid like expected.

We here at TGG would like to give you a high five Lindsay...but maybe we should wait til we see you at hyde saturday night

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

No Direction, Period



Bob Castrone at Best Week Ever does a disturblingly on point Bob Dylan impression. Actually, I'm not sure if that's Bob Castrone playing Dylan, or if its the other Jew in The Post Show, but regardless of who it is, it is awesome. Ever wondered why you couldn't help but love jams such as Toxic, My Humps, or any other pop song released in the last 30 years? It's because Bob Dylan wrote them. Yep, all of them. Take a look!

To: The Gay



I know I'm a little late, but here's your christmas present! I know how much you love Louis Vuitton, so here you go! It's a designer baby! I hope you don't have it yet!

Love,

Girl #1

Source

Oooh baby with a trap like that!



Yeah, I watch American Idol. I watch a lot (A.LOT!) of bad t.v. I usually enjoy watching the first episodes of American Idol, because I'm a dick and like to make fun of these people like the rest of America. The first episode of Season 6 which aired last night, however, left me feeling a bit...strange. How is it that I...being the asshole that I am...actually felt bad for these people? Well, Some of them anyway. Not the ones that butchered Prince, those people can die. But I even felt bad for the ska-hippie with the devil-sticks, and the "rocker" guy who sang Fuel and Abba. What a buzzkill to end the show on. I'm hoping tonight's episode will either A) Feature more good singers than bad (although that tends to bore me) or preferably B) I will be drunk enough to toss any "feelings" or "empathy" i have to the side, and finish out the night in a drunken rage.

If you want to see the Myspace's of some of the idol rejects from last night, or the Myspace of that Shakira wannabe who (with a trap like that) only has a future in soft-core porn, please check out death by camera , they will surely satisfy any and all of your idol desires.


link via Gawker

How do you get a gay out of the closet?



Easy! Just call them a faggot! I can't believe I didn't think of that one. That's what got Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight out of the closet. He said on the Ellen show that he wasn't even planning on coming out of the closet until he heard that little term of endearment come out of co-star Isaiah Washington's mouth. I'm sure T.R. Knight thought to himself, "You know what...I like the sound of that word! I'M GAY Y'ALL! CALL PEOPLE MAGAZINE!" I'm really confused about this turn of events. How does being called a faggot inspire you to come out? Are we supposed to feel bad that he had to come out, as he was obviously content with his closeted lifestyle? Or is he telling us to run around and drop the new and improved F-bomb at anyone that we think is a closet-case in hopes that they will see the light and come out? I'm the biggest hag you'll ever meet and not a-one of my gay friends have come out for this reason. Guide me, T.R. Knight...I'm so confused.

Source

Diana Ross is terrifying




Diana Ross was on Letterman and on Good Morning America, and said on both shows that she was going to see Dreamgirls with her lawyers. Bitch, please. Beyonce should take note: Continue your divalicious behavior, and you will end up just like this, fanny pack and all. Even Diana's son Evan is freaked out by this bitch.

Source

Can someone please explain...



...what in Xenu's name is Victoria Beckham wearing? Is that a table cloth? A potato sack? A grid from the game Battleship with fringe on top? Please explain...in the comments!

Really?!?! really?

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How is this beyotch a stylist? She looks good enough to put on a grill and watch her burrrrn. Don't get me started on bugged eyed meth addict.

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Vanessa just realized she doesn't know if her crotch is burning cause of nick or paris.

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Are her bangs too short? Or her FORHEAD just too big for bangs?

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REALLY? Really?

Scientology initiation!






It's getting a lot tougher to be a Scientologist these days! In a rare public display, a bunch of assholes pile into a car! This must be the new way of getting into Scientology that I've been hearing so little about. I think it's called "Xenuian Circus Clown Car". I can't believe fatty Tom Cruise is sitting on Katie Holmes lap! She must be wearing a strap-on or something...

Poor, poor Gwen.



*please note the immense amount of room in the crotch in the picture above


Sweatpants + Camolflauge = Girl #1 feeling like:

Definition: Ska-hippie

Ska-Hippie: A term for a person who is neither Ska, nor Hippie. This term describes someone from the early to mid 90's, or at least someone whose fashion reflects that of the early to mid 90's.

Things that a ska-hippie would wear/have:
*Yin-Yang anything.
*hacky sacks
*stupid hats
*clothes that are too big
*sunglasses that are tinted or too small for your face
*DENIM VESTS or DENIM SHIRTS
*men wearing cut offs.
***This is really a rotating definition, many things can be added...

People who are ska-hippies:
*All of the Spin Doctors, but especially the lead singer:




*That chick from 4 non blondes (who has done a lot of crap since being in that band, but she will forever be known to be as the ska-hippie from 4 non blondes):



This guy --- all of them:



And most recently, Matthew McConaughey




Why people choose to continue this "style" is beyond me, but as you can clearly see, there is a pattern here. And that pattern is now to be forever known as ska-hippie. Do you need more clarification? First look at these pictures of this ska-hippie making out with some chick in Australia. (But, please don't be fooled. Ska-hippies usually don't get any play, the only reason this one does is because he is famous.)




Feel free to ask questions about everything ska-hippie in the comments. And, try to use the word today in a sentence. It can also be used as an insult, as it is obviously not a good thing to be called a ska-hippie. For example, "Stop being such a ska-hippie!" or "Look at that fool playing hackey sack in the snow, what a stupid ska-hippie!"

Source