Friday, January 12, 2007

Britney Spears round up!

I usually try to leave posting about this dumb bitch to others...but I will give you a quick update as to what this trash has been up to. That dude above is her new "friend" Issac Cohen. Britney's trying her hand at jews now, but I think she should stick to the trash she's accustomed to. The jews are too good for Britney. But he's already done some impressive work on her ass, just look above. This is the first time in a LOOOOOOOO-O-O-O-ONG time that she hasn't looked like she was just raped by a trucker and thrown out of said truck while it was still moving, so...good for her? In other Britney news, she apparently gave a homeless man $300 after buying a dog for $3200. I'm still not convinced that dog isn't "Jayden James". Meanwhile, K-Fed is trying to sell his kids to Britney for $50 Million, which sounds like a fair deal to me. Maybe Britney can use some of the money she won't be paying her stylist anymore, as her stylist is joining the rest of the world in distancing themselves as far away as possible from Trainwreck Spears.

Jesus Christ. I could write an entire blog just about this bitch. Long story short, bitch is still crazy.

Happy Birthday Mary!

Mary J. Blige celebrated her birthday last night at Mr. Chow's in Beverly Hills, and all of your favorite 90's sitcom stars were there too!

Queen Latifah, proving once again that in a 90's kinda world, I'm glad I got my girls.

Martiiiiin! Tichina Arnold & Tisha Campbell-Martin, do these bitches do anything alone?

Holly Robinson Peete -- COOOOooooOOO-Per!

Good to see that you are all...still around?

Thanks Crunk & Disorderly!

Charlie's Rejected Angels

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Why is it that even celebrities fall back on Lindsay Lohan when they are feeling down? First Cammy gets dumped by Justin, Fab hates Drew's friends, and even Lindsay's appendix allegedly even rejected la Lohan. Is this the new Rejects Club? The All American Rejects if you will?

Let's be honest here, if i were a celebrity, wait what do you mean if...I would totally use Lindsay to get good publicity too. I mean come on, being seen with Lindsay is like being seen with the Pope. She makes you get searched on google, yo.

My cats are fatter, and I have two of them.

OK - Please allow me a moment to digress from the world of celebrity. I have two twin cats. Their names are Holden and Humbert, and they both weight over 20 lbs. Each. Those of you who have met my cats know that they are forces to be reckoned with. For those of you who haven't met my cats, I shall post pictures of them when I get home. Anyway, the fat cat above is Hercules. He weighs 20 lbs. and got stuck in a doggy door somewhere in Oregon. Best wasn't even his house. This fatty was roaming the streets looking for food, and he was trying to get into a house through a doggy door to eat from their never ending supply of food.

I respect this cat.

But my cats are just as fat, if not moreso, and if I let them roam the streets, eating whatever they pleased, you better believe they would each weigh about 40 lbs, and probably would kill people and eat them. My cats are so fat, that when I moved into a new house, my roommate who had never seen them before woke up, opened the door to her room and literally screamed because they were both standing at her door staring at her. I can't wait to go home and share them with you!

Click here to see a video of the cat.

Thanks DListed!!!

Forever Your Drunk Girl.

If there's one thing Paula Abdul loves, it's the sauce!!! Don't believe a g.d. thing that comes out of this drunky's mouth. When your crazy drunken uncle comes in the house, beats your aunt with a bar of soap shoved in a tube sock, and then gently coo's sweet nothings in her ear (you just make me so mad sometimes, baby!), do you believe that he loves her? NO. When your buddy tells you how awesome going out to the club last night was, and that you really should have gone instead of staying home and playing Guitar Hero all day and night, do you believe him? NO. When you find and an empty fifth of hot damn on the floor in your bosses office, do you believe it wasn't she that drank it and spewed all over the place?? NO YOU DON'T. Why don't you believe these people? BECAUSE THEY ARE ALCOHOLICS. Never believe a drunky.

Whatever happened to the Backstreet Boys?

Have you ever wondered: HEY! Whatever happened to that rag-tag bunch of kids known as the Backstreet Boys???

No? Me neither. Turns out, I still don't care about them. But here is something you might want to see:

That would be A.J. Maclean of the backstreet boys, looking shithouse on his birthday. I mean, it's his birthday, so that excuses your drunkeness. But nothing excuses that eyeliner, man. NOTHING. Or the shirt. Or the nail polish.

Crappin' out a baby!

Mariska Hargitay, despite the fact that your name is incredibly hard to spell, (so hard in fact, that I don't even try. You know that I copy and paste that shit) I like you. I like Law & Order: SVU, and I was oh-so happy for you when you won that golden globe. I do not like, however, this Got Milk? ad. It looks like you are poppin' a squat, and that you may crap out your baby. I know that is physically impossible, but that's what it looks like to me. And now, I certainly do not want any milk.

Larry David would not stand for this...

Cheryl Hines, your enthusiasm is still not curbed, and now you're really starting to annoy me.

Get your hands off me, white girl!

I love's star tracks. That's where I found this gem (and this one too!) This picture had this fun little blurb with it, filled with puns galore!:

Common, Hilary Swank and find some common ground Thursday while promoting their film Freedom Writers on MTV's TRL. The Black Eyed Peas bandmate, who provided the film's score, offered high praise for Swank's performance: "She was so good in the movie that after the premiere, I thought she was a teacher."

So, we can conclude that is a dumbass. Or we can conclude that Hilary Swank is a man, because she was just so good in Boys Don't Cry.

Here's something totally unexpected...

Here's Pete Doherty actin' a fool. I'm over his drug-fueled rage. Unless this was his reaction to hearing about David Beckham's crazy richness, I'm not impressed.


$250 MILLION DOLLARS!!!???!!!!

Two-hundraaaaa...whaaaaaa??? I can't even type it. Twaaaahaaafiddy????? FOR REALS???? My God...

DAVID BECKHAM IS GETTING PAID $250 MILLION DOLLARS OVER 5 YEARS TO PLAY FOR THE LA GALAXY. I just sat here, mouth agape, coffee dripping down my face for about 5 minutes. That is a lot of money y'all. A.LOT.OF.MONEY.Y'ALL. I'm sure a lot of British people are angry about this...They probably think he is selling out and all, but you know what I say. SELL OUT MOTHAFUCKA! There is very little that I wouldn't do for that much money. Do you want to know what you can do with that much money???

In case you don't understand...David can swim around in his millions like Scrooge McDuck, and Victoria can build a robot, and have the robot put her shoes on for her.

Before this deal, Victoria and David were worth $169 Million COMBINED. Here is some math:

$169 Million + $250 Million =

Wow. I wonder if this deal will help soccer in the U.S. Even if it doesn't, I'm sure Beckham doesn't care...I wouldn't. Because I'd have MILLIONS!!!

And also, this is just an aside...David Beckham is 31. What an asshole...My awe & envy is swiftly turning into rage. Must stop talking about this now.

No more high fives for these two!

Just like we told you, Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake have released an official statement officially ending their relationship. They be all:

"It has always been our preference not to comment on the status of our relationship, but, out of respect for the time we've spent together, we feel compelled to do so now, in light of recent speculation and the number of inaccurate stories that are being reported by the media. We have, in fact, ended our romantic relationship and have done so mutually and as friends, with continued love and respect for one another."

Judging from the photo above (and who knows when it was taken, or what the circumstances surrounding the high-five were, or if it has absolutely anything to do with their break up, which it doesn't...) I would say that Justin was probably the one to end this. He's going on tour and wants to get some worldly ass. Justin looks disinterested, while Cameron looks easily amused, as always. I'd get tired of that bitch too. Annie Lennox, please ease the pain...


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Guess the fatty!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the unknown fatty on the right is???...Brandon Davis with blonde hair and glasses? I know I've seen that stupid fatty somewhere before...

Thanks Gawker!

Here comes another one

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This is the man that broke up Lance Bass and Reichen for a day. The rotund and obviously huge package belongs to J.P. Calderone. he was on the last season of survior and can currently be seen on the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. He is way hotter than lance, I'd hit that too.

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Paris is literate?

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Paris Hilton was seen out with a book that looked like it had never been open. The book in question is "The Power Of The Actor." Lets be serious here, Paris Hilton can read? Likes to read? The girl can barely use her fake voice and real voice without getting confused about which one she is supposed to be using. Is this book even gonna help her when she's already in the oscar caliber film, "The Hottie and the Nottie." The only thing i love about her, are her handbags. I totally want a Fendi Spy bag.

Spears makes first appearance with Jayden James!!!

Jayden James was really a small dog all along! Spears was either pregnant with a puppy, or never pregnant at all, which finally explains WHY THE HELL WE'VE NEVER SEEN JAYDEN JAMES! Forget about stupid Suri. Where is Jayden? Right here, folks. Britney Spears must have birthed a dog!!! I wonder what it feels like to have a puppy swimming around in your uterus! I bet it feels AWESOME! Here's a picture of Britney with her other child that we've seen so much of, Sean Preston:

Clearly, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I see little SP is picking up pretty quickly from dear old momsie, adopting her vacant, confused stare...Well done, Spears! I know it's a little early, but MOTHER OF THE YEAR '07, anyone?


Will Smith makes out with mystery man!

OH.MY.GOD. What a breaking news story! Will Smith is seen above kissing an unknown man who has got to be 35 years younger than he is!!! Who is this mystery man???? Who knew Will Smith was gay?! Got any ideas as to who the young stud is? He kinda looks like Will Smith's co-star in The Pursuit of Happyness...Jaden Smith! But isn't that...NO!...IT CAN'T BE! Will Smith is gay with his son???? I wonder how Jada feels about this...

99 problems but a B ain't one...because i will HIT THAT BITCH. (no link directly provided because they have some L-O-U-D jams on their website that will allow everyone around you to know that you aren't doing work. you're welcome!) has recieved an "email" from "Beyonce's assistant" claiming that Jay-Z hits a bitch.

Here is the email:

I wanted to bring this to because I know how you all like to put stuff out no matter what it is. So I felt that I should expose Jay for the ugly [EXPLETIVE] he is.

Seems that for a while he's had a problem with keeping his hands to himself. Now I've never seen him just flat out strike Bee, but too many times have I seem him shove and push her.

At first I thought that it was just a little horse play thing between the two - but once I saw how embarrassed Bee was to be man-handled in the front of me in St. Tropez - I realized that it was no joke.

I've been [Beyonce's assistant] and friend for a while now and I've always wanted to say something but I never felt it was my place. He treats Beyonce like she's an object and not a person. The [EXPLETIVE] should be happy that a beautiful woman finally wants and loves his ugly [EXPLETIVE] for more than just what's in his pockets.

And then they posted this video of Jay-Z supposedly pushing a girl in the face. But...we never really see the "girl's" face...we just see a ponytail. So it could be a dude...we don't know.

If you ask me, I bet it is the other way around. I bet it is Beyonce that is doing the abusing...Things is going sweet for Jay-Z, the same can't be said about Beyonce. Everyone hates her, and she's taking it out on Jay-Z - Liza Minelli V. David Guest style! Didn't you see the Ring The Alarm video? SHE CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!

Richard Gere likes to trick prostitutes

Richard Gere thinks that if you are going to sex it up for money in India, the dudes that bone you six ways from Sunday should at least wear a condom. He feels so strongly about this, he led a pep rally of 10,000 sex workers in Mumbai, India, getting them to chant his favorite mantra "No Condoms, No Sex!".

That's right Richard Gere! If some dude is gonna put it in my ass, vag, mouth or ear, he better wrap that shit up! I would also like it if they used Fiddy Brand Condoms only please. Do you get the same mental image as I do? Richard Gere standing proudly before 10,000 prostitutes...he's thinking that he's leading them to salvation, they are thinking that this will be the biggest payday of their lives, because Richard Gere is rich, and they probably think he's gonna buy all 10,000 of them. Imagine their disappointment when all they got was a lousy condom. Way to crush the dreams of prostitutes everywhere...AGAIN, Gere.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Can Someone Please Explain...

We all know that Paris Hilton is sick. But look at this picture. My god...what is the true color of her skin? Why is her face so pale while her chest is so orange? What the hell is going on with those nude fishnets? Nude fishnets on orange skin does not make for a good look. What is going on here? Explain it to the comments!

Did someone buy Trump a new computer for Christmas?

Man, the Trump sure does love to write things! The Trump as released yet another written response to Rosie O'Donnell. I'm sure you've heard all about this crap by now. But you haven't heard about it here, because this fight friggin bores me to death. The sad thing is, both of these people are stupid, and think that "winning" a fight means being the last person to say something. Neither of them will stop while the other is still going, which means we will never hear the end of this. Even if Rosie is banned from mentioning it on The View, she still has her dumbass website to sound-off on. Trump will invest all of his millions into inventing a post-mortem letter writing machine, so he can continue to leave "official" responses from beyond the grave.

This is setting a great example for us all. Success = Annoyance. Winning = Never shutting up, regardless of how stupid and/or pointless your argument is. Someone please make it stop.

My boyfriend is moving stateside

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In other news, my boyfriend is finally making the big leap and moving to the US and A. My bf will be released from his contract with Real Madrid in June. And hopefully will be joining the LA Galaxy. He's been second string ever since the Real Madrid hired a new coach. OY! Yeah, we will be together again.

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I just gagged on my painkillers....

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Oh Sweet Jesus! Kelly Osbourne wants to pose for Playboy. Are you effing kidding me?
The c-list star says. "I'd go fully nude, but I'd have to have some airbrushing on my tits." She blames all the drugs and depression on living a life of privilege and that you get so bored easily. I blame all the drugs on them being so much FUN! What a dumb whore. You do drugs because they are fun, not because you have nothing better to do. I am so ready to shit on her. I'm so sure hef wants that pasty thing on playboy

Are you feelin' that way too?

Funny...I frown too when I think of Britney Spears, see Britney Spears, or hear about Britney Spears. Good to know she feels the same way.

'07 - The Year of the Break Up

I thought this year would be different. I thought that maybe this year, celebrities would stop breaking up with each other. It's too confusing to me. Just when I forget about a celebrity couple, and push them to the back of my mind, they up and break up! I don't have room for you in my life, Drew Barrymore and Fabreeze. And apparently, they don't have room for each other either, as they have called it quits. Drew decided to ditch his ass once she realized that The Strokes are lame and no one cares about them anymore.

Best Jams to Bone To?

What jam did you lose your virginity to?

Tracy Morgan lost it to Luther Vandross' "A House is Not a Home" and Rick James' "Superfreak."

Amy Sedaris lost it to "Desperado" by the Eagles.

Stephen Colbert (who will be trading appearances with Bill O'Reilly, appearing on each other's programs Jan. 18) asked, "Is screaming my name considered music?"

and Girl #1 lost it to "Daughters" by John Mayer, whilst being R'd by my father.

So, praytell, what jam did you lose your virginity to? Leave your answer, in the comments!


Get a piece of 50 cent wrapped snuggly around your wang!

50 Cent is coming out with his own line of condoms. Details of the condoms have yet to be released, but I'm guessing that they will have a picture of 50 Cent on them, so your woman can say that 50 Cent has been inside her, and so the gays can say that 50 Cent has touched their wang (which is something the gays have been saying for a while now...). Word is that 50 Cent wanted to make his condoms equipped with pre-poked holes in them, in order to easily impregnate or disease your woman, but K-Fed already has the market cornered on that one. Sorry fiddy.


Since you're not around for me to tell you (baby) face to face...

In more news to fuel the break-up rumours surrounding Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz, The Sun is reporting that there were more than a few references to the now-over couple during the opening night of his FutureSex/LoveShow tour Monday night in San Diego. Monday would have also been the birthday of Elvis Presley, and Justin pretended to care by saying:

“It’s a special day because it is the opening night of the tour. But it is also special because it is one of my idol’s birthday and today I think he would have been 72. It is Elvis’s birthday. Since I am from Memphis I’m going to sing a song.”

Then he started to sing Heartbreak Hotel: "Since my baby left me...". He OBVIOUSLY was talking about Cameron (OMG, OMG), but I wish he would have sang the Whitney Houston version, which is by far superior to Elvis' jam. See below:

Clearly a more jamming jam. But that wasn't the only reference Justin made to his failed love, after singing the slow jam "Still on my Brain" he laughed and said "That's enough of that one".

Last night was also the people's choice awards, in which Cameron was in attendance, and Justin accepted his award live via sattelite. Neither of them referenced the break-up, or more importantly, each other at all. So, with all of this drama a-brewing, I think it may be safe to say that the couple are, in fact, done. Just in time for all y'all to try to weasel your way backstage and blow him on this tour! Lucky you! And also, lucky Justin! For the blow jobs, and for getting rid of dumbass Cameron Diaz. She was OBVIOUSLY a lesbian anyway...look at these pictures from the People's choice awards last night:

Everyone knows that once you touch a lesbian, you become a lesbian. It's science, y'all. You can't argue with science. Here's another picture of Cameron Diaz, Lesbian:

Quick re-cap! What did we learn from this post?

1) Justin Timberlake & Cameron Diaz = broken up
2) Heartbreak Hotel by Whitney Houston & Friends is superior to Heartbreak Hotel by Elvis
3) Cameron Diaz is a lesbian

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

It's not exactly a Vag flash but...

Here we see Pink and a special lady matching cats as she begins her run as the opening act on Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow 2007 Tour last night in San Diego. "Matching Cats" is a phrase coined by my roommate, and it is used when one lady touches her vagina to another ladies vagina. Not sex, exactly...just matching cats. And yes, contrary to what your eyes are telling you, those two pictured above are, in fact, ladies. Yes...even Pink.

Can someone please flash a vag or SOMETHING???

This is funny and all, but I'm dying for some gossip! Enough with the Trump vs. Rosie bullshit that no one cares about...'07 has sucked-ass so far and I won't stand for it! Do you know why the celebrity gossip realm has been so lame lately? Do you have an idea why posts about Pete Wentz are the only thing you'll find on your blogs today???

BECAUSE LINDSAY LOHAN STOPPED DRINKING. For reals, someone please slip this girl a pill and let's get the party poppin'! What happened to the good old days of a couple weeks ago where Britney couldn't get out of a car without flashing her hoo-ha, or Lindsay Lohan wasn't making wild accusations or sending rambling emails? Get the girl a drink, on me, and fast.

Ad via BWE

What do I get, exactly?

I Got My Ass Kicked By Someone In Fall Out Boy...

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Fall Out Boy was playing another totally rockin' jam-filled show when Pete Wentz jumped off stage and started fighting with the security. You can watch the video if you want, although there really isn't much to see, and it would have been so much sweeter if one of the security guys would have snapped him in half with their teeth in front of all the 15 year old boys and girls who worship him. Unfortunately, gangly Wentz was all fists and elbows and then jumped onstage, grabbed the mic, and said "That's what you get for fucking with my friends!" and then ran away. So...if you F with Pete Wentz or his friends, you get a flying tackle when you aren't looking, a slap on the ass, and a single tear, before he scurries away.

For good measure, let me do this...


Not because I think his actions are "gay" - only becauase that is one of the most searched phrases on the web, so I want to make sure we are getting some hits when confused prepubescent emo boys go searching for their one true love online. You know the dude has been a bottom at least once before, though.

Monday, January 8, 2007

Your Thoughts? & Perez is a douche.

So, there is a scandalous (?) quote from Angelina Jolie in Elle Magazine below. I've bolded & underlined the selection of the interview that Perez Hilton decided to include on his site as a direct quote:

So Angelina clearly loves her two older children, but did she worry she’d feel differently about her biological child? People often seem surprised that she and Maddox are so close, she says. "The world has this opinion about the difference, then you wonder if there is a difference. In fact I found the opposite. I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they’re survivors, they came through so much. In some way they’re strangers because they had this life before me. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born, I have less inclination to feel for her. I have to do the opposite from what I expected! I met my other kids when they were six months, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this…"

"Blob?" I suggest as she pauses.

"Yes, a blob! But now she’s starting to have a personality. The three of them are very funny together, very loud and in each other’s faces. She’s grown up with Zee screaming in her face in the morning! But, yes, I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable."

Round it up...

Wow. I did a significant amount of work today. At my job, that is. It feels strange...working and not blogging. Don't worry, I'll be back in full effect tomorrow. Here's a bit of a wrap up to help you cope with the lack of posts...

Nothing really special about this. Just Vivica A. Fox looking like an asshole, via Crunk & Disorderly.

Angelina Jolie thinks Madonna's adoption was totally lame, while her adoptions continue to rule. A Socialite's Life.

Lohan is released from the hospital, less one pesky appendix. (TMZ) TMZ also has gripping, groundbreaking footage of Lindsay walking outside and telling the camera man to leave her alone. The monumental footage than cuts to a black car driving away, which may or may not contain Lohan and/or her appendix.

Zahara Jolie-Pitt is two today, and David Bowie is friggin 60!

And Finally, I am OH-SO-EXCITED for the premire of "I love New York" tonight on VH1. My boyfriend...not so excited to watch this with me. I don't really understand why not. The "woman" lists her vag as her most treasured possession!

The Auto Show, Bitches!

I kinda hate the Auto Show. If you are not lucky enough to live in or around Detroit, MI, the Auto Show gets a bunch of D-List celebrities together to stand in front of shiny new cars that will most likely never see the open road, and everyone in Detroit is fooled into thinking that the domestic auto industry is improving and therefore things are looking up for some of the TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE laid off by the auto industry. Witness some of the douchebaggery that happened in our fair city over the weekend:

Cheryl Hines thinks cars are SO MUCH FUN!!! (This picture makes me sad, because I love Curb Your Enthusiasm, however I wish Cheryl would take a hint from the show's title. Cars don't make you laugh that hard, man.)

Problem #1 with the Detroit Auto Industry. Ed Welburn, General Motors Vice President Global Design, should not be anywhere near Rachel Zoe. Run away, sir.

Problem #1 with Detroit in general. Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his lincoln navigator lovin' wife, Carlta Kilpatrick.

And while we are electing "Hip-Hop" mayors, and subsequenly being laid off from our jobs, Jay-Z is inventing colors for himself! Yes, that is Jay-Z displaying the GMC Yukon Denali is his very own color, Jay-Z Blue. Yes, Jay-Z has gotten so bored with everything else in the world that he made a color for himself. It looks blue to me. How would one distinguish between regular blue and Jay-Z Blue? All I know is Jay-Z Blue is obviously sweet, and regular blue is fucking lame.

Writing this post has now made me feel a little Jay-Z Blue...Sorry about the buzzkill of a post. Maybe if we paint the town Jay-Z Blue things will get better. I'm sure that deal is already in the works. Thanks Kwame!