We'd like to start off the day by thanking none other than Lindsay Dee Lohan for reading the blog. It's clear that she heeded the advice that we gave to Paris Hilton in the wake of her legal troubles. Remember, we told Paris to use the timeless "it wasn't me" defense. But Paris did not listen, and look where that got her. In an email to "Access Hollywood" host Billy Bush, Lindsay did exactly what we tried to get Paris to do - deny all knowledge of the crime or responsibility. She wrote:
“I am innocent... did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy,”
That's right, girl. Deny that the drugs that they found in YOUR pocket were yours, and blame someone else. Way to go! But now you're faced with another dilemma. If the drugs weren't yours, whose were they? Don't worry, Lohan - we got you covered. Here are some possible excuses to use when Billy Bush undoubtedly pressures you for more answers (that fucking asshole):
WHOSE DRUGS WERE THOSE DRUGS??? THEY CERTAINLY WERE NOT MINE
Suspect 1: Dina Lohan
Blaming your mom is probably the best thing that you can do, since it is most likely the closest thing to the truth. You (unfortunately) look a lot like her, especially when you are wasted (see mug shot above). You can either say that it was actually your mom that they should have arrested and in some wacky police hijinx the two of you got mixed up leading to your erroneous arrest. Or you can say that you were merely delivering the drugs to your mom. People will respect that you are no longer "doing" these drugs, and subsequently respect that you are just "delivering" them now. As your lawyer said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "This shit ain't easy".
Suspect 2: Bo-Bo the Family Dog
I don't know if you have a dog. And if you do, I'm willing to bet his name is not "Bo-Bo". However, it's really easy to get a dog. Just go down to the humane society and pick one up. Sprinkle a little co-caine into that dog's nose and blame all this mess on your junkie dog.
Suspect 3: Cody Lohan
At 11 years old, your little brother is a PERFECT candidate for taking the fall for you. He's young, impressionable, and rich thanks to you. What better way to pay you back than by assuming your felony charges. Don't let his crying or pouting weaken your resolve to push the blame on him. Just remember. He has red hair. This should automatically evoke thoughts of Chucky in the minds of many red-blooded Americans:
If it doesn't just show the media this picture of him dressed as an Indian:
We all know that Indians have problems...and people will logically assume that your brother shares those same problems if he chose to dress like one.
Suspect 4: A Monkey on a Treadmill
That should get you started. Mull it over, and pick the best option. And, just so you know Linds, all of these options can also double as an excuse for the person (or animal) that you claim was actually chasing you. Good luck, girl!