Wednesday, June 13, 2007

A look at the most sizzlingest men in the world

People Magazine unleashed their "Single & Sizzling Men of '07" list today, and boy oh boy, my bacon strip is burnt to a crisp from all the sizzling that went on as I scrolled through pictures of their top 10. Ladies, I thought I would help warm your bearded clam by introducing you to some of the hotttest single hunks. Let's start with their number 1 hottie, Matthew McConaughey:

Whoo-wee! Nothing gets me going like a heavy southern accent, combined with an ego the size of a 130-year-old whale and a healthy dose of misogyny to boot! Hey McConaughey, wanna bone? Oh, ok - maybe after you're done working out? No? Then you have to gaze upon your glorious form in the mirror for at least 3 days? Sometime next week, then?

Kenny Chesney

Now we're talking. This is a great pick! Oh wait, this isn't the Single & Sizzling gay men list of '07? What the hell is he doing here then? There's no way this dude is straight. Even if he was, I couldn't get past the fact that he was married to Renee Zellweger or the fact that if both of us were stupid drunk enough and made the unfortunate decision to bone that he wouldn't take that g.d. cowboy hat off. Kenny Chesney should just keep doing what he is good at, which is destroying country music and stay off lists dedicated to the straights.

Blake Lewis

Why am I still hearing about this douchebag? The idea of someone beat boxing sweet nothings into my vag does not sound appealing to me. I'll pass.

Apolo Ohno

Who the hell is this? Oh. Some dude from Dancing with the Stars? There's another dude from that show on this list. Quick show of hands, anyone surprised that dudes who dance around like a bunch of assholes on tv are single? Didn't think so. The fact that this guy's last name is "Oh no" should be enough warning to any single lady to stay away. And don't overlook the disturbing fact that his facial hair is bound to catch all sorts of things that you don't want to see plastered on someone's face after they've just gone down on you. In my case, those things would be hot wheels and pizza rolls.


Since Wayne Brady and Bernie Mac are married, I guess Luda was the next best choice for "non-threatening obligatory black man" to include on their list. Coincidentally, Luda is one of the few men on this list that I would bone. This is because he has a big penis. I'm not saying that just because he's black (God, I wish you guys weren't so racist). I'm saying this because it is a proven fact. Luda told me so in his interview with Playboy. See! You can't deny the truth. Especially when you see it in print. And most especially when said print is Playboy magazine. Yay boobs!

Want to see who else is on the list? No you don't! Okay, you have an hour left to kill at work, here you go.


David said...

Chesney: proof that being bald, gay, and a broke-ass man's Jimmy Buffet doesn't have to hold you back in these here United States.

mindy said...

I can't get on board with any of these picks. Eww.