Friday, May 25, 2007

Jessica Alba: Asshat or Not-An-Asshat

Dang, it's gotta be rough to come in second place on Maxim's top 100 hotttest bitches list. The only thing worse would be coming in second to a coke-whore like Lindsay Lohan! Zing, Jessica Alba! We're bringing you down!!! Let's put the final nail in the coffin by deciding whether or not this rising "star" is an Asshat or Not-An-Asshat! It's Blank or Not-A-Blank!

I'm not gonna lie...I know very little about Jessica Alba. I never watched her Dark Angel show, so all I know is that the dudes want to bone her. Obviously, this makes me hate her for no reason. I can't help it. I'm a woman. Asshat

But wait! I do know something about Jessica Alba! She starred in one of my favorite movies! Obviously, I'm referring to Honey. I'm such a sucker for the "Down-on-their-luck-kids-use-dancing-to-empower-themselves" genre (See also this and this). Not-An-Asshat

Jessica Alba may not only be mildly retarded, but the bitch is wasteful! Just look at the promo poster for her upcoming movie Good Luck Chuck:

Girl! That delicious soft serve is going to waste! If there's one thing I hate more than a tard, it's a wasteful tard. Asshat

According to a gripping interview with Instyle this month, she's also kind of an asshole! She talks about what a spoiled brat she was as a child:

“I love challenging authority. It probably wasn’t easy being my parents. The second somebody says ‘no’ to me is the second I’m going to jump up and say ‘yes!”’

I'm in the process of training a puppy so I know how to deal with defiant bitches. Jessica, don't make me dog whisperer your ass. Asshat

But then, in the same award winning interview, she also said this: “Because obviously, if you have a womanly figure, you’re not allowed to have a brain or any idea of the world whatsoever. You just have to be hot and use your body to get ahead.” She obviously has a firm understanding of how the world works. Jessica, I may have underestimated you. Not-An-Asshat

Jessica Alba likes old peen. She wants some old, wrinkly peen to snuggle up inside her because "They've been around and know so much". Alright, fair enough I guess. But answer me this, Jessica. When the old peen started coming around, why didn't you hit that shit when it was made available to you?:

"But she backed away from religion, she says 'when older men would hit on me, and my youth pastor said it was because I was wearing provocative clothing, when I wasn't. It just made me feel like if I was in any way desirable to the opposite sex that it was my fault, and it made me ashamed of my body and being a woman."

You are one big ball of confusion. Asshat

Right now, the Asshats have it. But, I could have told you that before we even started. I mean, she's a French/Mexi. A Frenchican. No me gusta. What do you think? Let us know, in the comments! And, as always, don't forget to send your suggestions for the next Blank or Not-A-Blank to


Tiny said...

Worst. Invisible. Woman. EVER! I christian thee Asshat.

brian said...

I'd like to wear her ass as a hat. hehe.

not an asshat. check the proof:
- the iconic alba photo:

- and making it a signature pose:


hard to be an asshat if you're the hottest thing on celluloid.

ps I think asshat is Kentuckian for I pooped (say it phonetically as one word)

pps Tiny, the reason she's the worst invisible woman ever is that she should never be invisible.

ppps I'm holding out high hopes for FF2 since the first one was terrible. Silver Surfer could be cool.

nate said...

excellent investigative work, my friend. i wouldn't expect anything less from a lawyer such as yourself. you've succeeded in providing all the evidence necessary for this juror to find, beyond reasonable doubt, that jessica alba is indeed NOT GUILTY of ass-hattery.

brian said...

I've convinced Nate, but if you need further proof that Miss Alba is no Ass-Hatt, here are some points:
- Her boyfriend is physically unattractive (by starf*cker standards);
- Haven't watched any of this, but here are ten more reasons why the vote should be for p.o.a. instead of a.h. (and a great pun to boot, so maybe 11 reasons) --
- She overcame a number of childhood physical conditions (many of which this poster has suffered; asthma is no joke, nor is pneumonia, or an emergency appendectomy (collapsed lungs, hysterical).

and some points against from my s.o., who finds her disgusting: stringy hair, flat (back and front), hit face.

Ultimately, we're kind of left with judging her by her looks, because she's not really done anything obviously objectionable like most other starlets. So, cheers to you, Jessica, you win because you're beautiful and you're life is somewhat boring.

viagra online said...

She is not a point of discussion in any place, she is simply the most beautiful. Apart, is a wonderful actress girl that I've never seen.

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