Thursday, February 15, 2007

She's off the porch...but is she off the shed?

Yes, although it is hard to remember, there was a time when Britney Spears was so busy that she needed an assistant to assist her with the struggles in her life. Such things as: ordering chicken, making sweet love to Kevin Federline, and neglecting children, is a lot for one girl to she employed Felicia Culotta to help her with all that shit, including writing a diary about her experiences on the set of the breakaway hit film "Crossroads" (yes, Britney couldn't even write her own diary...her assistant is the co-author). Well, now Felicia has abandoned our dear Ms. Spears, writing an email to some website talking about what a ho Britney has become. She be all like:

“I cherish ALL the incredible opportunities that came my way thru my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding,” Culotta wrote in an email to “There’s just so much you can do to help a person — I don’t dare want to be an enabler, and I cannot love her enough for the both of us. I cannot convince her in ANY way to love herself...“I’m so Southern, and the BEST way for me to tell you how I feel is to say—You can just kick an old Dog so many times before he gets off the porch,” she wrote. “I, FELICIA, am OFF the porch!!”

I think today we should challenge ourselves to follow in FELICIA's footsteps. I think we are all "off the porch" when it comes to Brit Brit, as the Southerner's say...but, let's try to incorporate more Southern drawl into everyday speech! It's fun because it makes no sense! Things such as:

"All this talk about Britney just makes me plumb tuckered out!"

"That picture of Stephen Tyler biting some chicks face (see below) just goll darned scared my mule!"

"Michelle Rodriguez is crazier than a run over dog!"

"That there Ice-T and CoCo are one couple that is as purdy as a speckled pup!

They also have a bunch of phrases that exist merely just so a Southern lass can say words. These phrases, unlike the ones above that have some semblance of meaning, have absolutely no meaning at all...things like "I do declare!" and "Do Hicky!". Man, if it wasn't for their whole "hating gays, blacks, jews, and anyone who is not a hick" thing...I think I could really like the South. Let's steal the drawl from the South...starting today! If you'd rather not join me in this endeavor, you can instead watch Will Ferrel trying to get his kids off the g.d. shed:


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