Saturday, January 6, 2007

I feel your pain Jessica Alba, the very sight of my breasts in a bikini gives rise to all sorts of. . . problems. This is why I strictly wear scuba gear.

Video of Your Life.

This is why we shouldn't care about the Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump feud.

Oh my god. Seriously. Everytime I watch this, the laughter just won't stop and I become a worse person. The defining moment - "CAUSE IT'S MY BIRFFDAY!"

Friday, January 5, 2007

She didn't write this, ya'll

Britney updated her ghettoass site with this letter to the fans. I really don't think she wrote it since there is no "ya'll" in sight.
Dear Fans,

It has been a while since I've addressed you personally here on my official website. The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being. Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction. I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don't pay much attention to it.

The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and now that I've had the time to be "me," I've been able to sit down and think about where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutely no strings attached. I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free." I've been working so hard on this new album and I can't wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again! I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard to release the new album sometime later this year, but the date is of course not certain yet. I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever, and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level. I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing. If I were you I'd be unhappy too if I had to read what I've been reading every day. But trust me, I get it. I know I've been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!


This business about her biggest fan website closing down is bologna. The website she is refering to is That site used to be her biggest site until the webmaster Ruben Garay sold it to be apart of a conglomerate of other websites for 50,000$. Unfortunately...the owner of the conglomerate wants to sell it off as part of a whole multimedia package. Ruben asked britney's handlers to buy the website back for him and he would continue to update it. He's all hogwash and greedy and tres shady. So they refused and that is why WORLD OF Britney is closing. Not because he hates Britney. I really want Britney to come back. I miss her haha...the gays love their old britney.

The longer you wait the longer your pubes get.

Behold, the greatest website for a razor ever created. Click Here. Seriously, click it and enjoy your last hour of work before the weekend. I've never wanted to buy a shaver so bad, and I don't even have balls to shave! Oh yeah, please don't forget to watch the music video, and "test drive" the product. Bless you, Philips Products. And bless you, Nichole, my friend who showed me this wonderful link.

K-Fed gets to babysit 3 times a week!

TMZ is reporting that K-Fed and Britney have come to a temporary custody agreement for the month of January. K-Fed will be allowed to see the 2 babes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 12pm-4pm at Spears' residence. Coincidentally, Britney can now be found at Applebee's on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's for Happy Hour. She will eat onion peels and drink those massive margarita's until she looks twice as good as she does above. Good Luck, Britney! And K-Fed, please make sure all the appliances are unplugged and the sharp objects are put away before Britney comes home. Margaritas + Children is not the best combination for our girl.

Just because we can't see a wang, doesn't mean it's not there

This picture does not stop me from wondering if Rihanna is a tranny. Bitch is a man. Just because she can tuck it in, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. So, nice try Rihanna, too bad your beast legs give away your secret:

I'm really hating on Rihanna these days, and I'm not quite sure why. I like her jams, but something just ain't right with her.

Thanks Concrete Loop!

This Just In...

Being fisted by Sylvester Stallone would hurt...tremendously.

The Red Carpet looks like trash, and so does the movie!

Here is Hilary Swank at the premire of Freedom Writers Dangerous Minds 2: The Reckoning. We all know that Hilary Swank is kind of gross, but let's look closely at this picture. You can see that Hilary is wearing a 48-hour bra under her see-through dress. She clearly knows how to bring sexy back.

What is with all the crap all over the red carpet? There's a popcorn bag and empty soda cup behind her on the ground, and the background is all covered in plastic like some cheap porn shoot. Was this their attempt to make this stupid movie seem even more "street"?

Yeah, our red carpet has shit all over the place...'CAUSE THAT'S HOW IT IS IN THE HOOD, G! Hilary learned that shit while filming this movie, we's just keepin' it real!

Oh, Ok...That makes sense, here I thought you were either too lazy to clean up before the stars walked the red carpet, or you were merely trying to reflect what a piece of garbage this movie will be by filling your red carpet with trash...but yeah, that works too.

Scott Stapp will make a horrible father

Sucks to be Milan Hayat Stapp, the first-born daughter of Scott Stapp. If I was that baby, I would have committed suicide in the womb.


Get Behind Me, Manson!

Page Six is reporting that Marilyn Manson and his wife Dita Von Teese are splitting up. If they can't make it, what hope do the rest of us have? I call next-ies on Manson. You know he's probably sweet in the sack, until it's over and he starts crying, as all those goth-types do. I would still bone him though, because boning celebrities is awesome. At least, that's what Carlos Mencia told me when he "courted" me. And by courted me, I mean led me into a gas station bathroom and did things to me that I really don't care to mention...

Um...while I try to forget that part of my is a clip of Dita Von Teese on the most recent cycle of America's Next Top Model. Watching the lanky twins try to be sexy is most entertaining...

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Dear Elijah Wood,
You are adorable.
Girl #2

Girl #2's picks for the Sag awards.


Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role

Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O’Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role

Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role

Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Departed
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role

Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture
The Departed
Little Miss Sunshine


Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries

Thomas Haden Church, "Broken Trail"
Robert Duvall, "Broken Trail"
Jeremy Irons, "Elizabeth I"
William H. Macy, "Nightmares and Dreamscapes"
Matthew Perry, "The Ron Clark Story"

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries

Annette Bening, "Mrs. Harris"
Shirley Jones, "Hidden Places"
Cloris Leachman, "Mrs. Harris"
Helen Mirren, "Elizabeth I"
Greta Scacchi, "Broken Trail"

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series

James Gandolfini, "The Sopranos"
Michael C. Hall, "Dexter"
Hugh Laurie, "House"
James Spader, "Boston Legal"
Kiefer Sutherland, "24"

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series

Patricia Arquette, "Medium"
Edie Falco, "The Sopranos"
Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: SVU"
Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer"
Chandra Wilson, "Grey's Anatomy"

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series

Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
Steve Carell, "The Office"
Jason Lee, "My Name Is Earl"
Jeremy Piven, "Entourage"
Tony Shalhoub, "Monk"

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series

America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty"
Felicity Huffman, "Desperate Housewives"
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "The New Adventures of Old Christine"
Megan Mullally, "Will & Grace"
Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds"
Jaime Pressly, "My Name Is Earl"

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series

"Boston Legal"
"Grey's Anatomy"
"The Sopranos"

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series

"Desperate Housewives"
"The Office"
"Ugly Betty"

Girl #2's favorite movies of '06.

1. Casino Royale
2. Borat
3. The Devil Wears Prada
4. Brick
5. Lucky Number Slevin.

Honorable Mention: Running With Scissors, The Nightmare Before Christmas (3D)

Leave your top 5 movies in the comments!


Holy Crap.
For real?
Sweet Lord.
There are no words.
There is a word!

Woody is old.

I love this awkward, awkward little man. Daughter/wife scandal, corduroy pants and close-toed shoes on a beach, could he be any more adorable?


Maybe Halle isn't pregnant, maybe she's just hanging out with the wrong crowd.

A Prarie Home Appendix!

Ok...That headline doesn't even make sense...

Faithful TGG readers, I have some real sad news...Lindsay Lohan...*sniffle*, wow this is harder than I thought. L-Lindsay Lohan...oh god...had her appendix out. SWEET DEAR LORD WHY! WHY LINDSAY LOHAN? COULDN'T YOU HAVE TAKEN ME? OR THE LITTLE LOHAN THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT!? I don't know if I can live in a world where a god so malicious, so cruel, would hurt our dear, dear Lindsay Lohan. Here's hoping she will make an adequite recovery, and get back to making movies, which (and I think I speak for all of us here) is the only thing I live for. I continue my life for the sole purpose of watching Lindsay Lohan in such magical works as Herbie Fully Loaded and the delightful The Parent Trap.

Godspeed, Lindsay Morgan Lohan, may the angels carry your appendix to heaven!


Tyrese transforms into a pre-natal child abuser.

As "bad puns as headlines" day rolls on, I am honored to bring you this delightful news: Tyrese punched his baby-mama! Best part, the baby isn't even born yet! When I first caught wind of this news, I thought he punched her in the stomach, which would have been totally too far. You do NOT punch pregnant women in the stomach while the baby is still living in there...unless the bitches REALLY deserve it (for example, if a pregnant woman asked me to give her my seat on the bus, WHACK...right in the baby). But he just punched her in the arm and the thigh. I don't know what people are getting so worked up about. He clearly was just warning the bitch...keep it up, and i'll punch you in the baby. The thigh and arm are clearly warning punches.

Tyrese is stressed out anyway, y'all. He's working on the Transformers movie that's got everyone on the planet in super-nerd mode. Sometimes the best way to relieve stress is to punch a pregnant lady. Don't tell me you never have...


Beyonce takes it up the butt for the UK...

In the new issue of British GQ, Beyonce shows us how she likes it. And I started hating Beyonce when i realized she is all about herself. Beyonce you are fabulous, but not better than everyone else. You totally sucked in Dreamgirls, and hell to the no, i didn't wanna listen to that dumb song. In other news, Hollywood feels the same way. She was just dissed and did not recieve a nomination from the Screen Actors Guild, while true talents Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson did. Matthew Knowles is probably beatin' Tina down right now hahahahah

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SAG Nominations

How Will I Know (If Bin Laden really loves me?)

Didn't she almost have it all??? Things were really looking up for Whitney. She kicked Bobby to a different curb (hopefully this one will have a more reliable drug hook-up for him), she was having a wicked sweet garage sale, and she was starting to not resemble the cracked-out whore pictured above. But, surely all of these improvements will fall by the wayside when she hears that OSAMA BIN LADEN IS IN LOVE WITH HER! According to this source I've never heard of, so I'm sure it's very reputable, Osama had a sex slave, who is unveiling the mystery behind the man who is terrorizing our country. Osama doesn't want to topple our capitalist regime, he is only trying to get the attention of one special singer. Our Whitney. Shall we take this one step further (and undoubtedly too far) and say that 9/11 can now be interpreted as a school boy prank to get the attention of an unrequited love, such as pulling one's pigtails at recess?

WELL GUESS WHAT BIN-LADEN...WHITNEY HOUSTON IS AS AMERICAN AS APPLE-PIE, AND CRACK-COCAINE. She is most likely full of both, but regardless, you can't have her! I suggest that Whitney is kept in a bunker somewhere forever, until we win the war on terror. Which should be pretty soon now, right?

Joe Simpson just bust a nut...

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Ashlee is a skideezy and so very NasteeTrasheeSleezeeFreakee. Enjoy!

Can Someone Please Explain...

Or...just tell me, where I can get those pants? Can you get them customized, or do they have to say Jermaine across the crotch? I'm not sure which ones I would prefer? My own special pair with "BUTTASS" across the ass, or the standard pair shown above. What would your pants say across the crotch? Leave your design ideas in the comments!


Georgia Rule #1...Cover that shit up.

Jane Fonda gives a not-so-subtle hint to Lindsay Lohan, as her stint of not drinking has led her to only hang with old people.


Paris got with Ice Cube...

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After a "performance" of one of her songs at Pure Nightclub, Paris Hilton got pelted with an ice cube for her bad lip synching and white girl side to side dance. Actually, I threw it at her for using fake louis vuittons. Take that whore. HIIIIIYAH, Judo Chop!


Really, the owners of Club Paris in Orlando and Jacksonville have fired the heiress for not showing up at her namesake club. That's Not Hot....come on now, who goes to Orlando???


O-See Ya to the OC

I dub today, bad puns as headlines day. Bad puns are one of the best things about writing a blog...And they are going to continue to get worse, m' stay tuned!

The O.C. is cancelled. I really liked this show when it started because it reminded me of how sweet 90210 was. Although, I soon found out that The O.C. could never compare to the majesty and wonder that was 90210, so I stopped watching.

The United States, and parents of any child between the ages of 14-19, and anyone who has a friend, who is male between the ages of 14-29 should be on suicide watch. Y'all O.C. fans is crazy. Just take a look:

Ah yes, and all you indie music loving guys were sucked into a show that you otherwise never thought you would watch. You felt could it be that you, a hipster, would love such a trashy show?? Ah yes, because your favorite "indie" bands initially sucked you in, but you stayed because you related with Seth, the dorky, comic AND indie loving music guy who gets the girl. You thought maybe you could get the girl too! Just like Seth! And was cancelled. And you are even more alone then when you began, because instead of going out and meeting girls, you stayed home to watch all the special features on your O.C. DVD!!! And, of course, touching your wang to your T.V. everytime Summer, Marissa, or ESPECIALLY Anna was on the screen. Man, did you want to bone Anna something fierce...Suicide watch, y'all. This shit is about to get real deep. Remember this dude:

He has probably already off'd himself, and I know about 46 more guys just like him. Alls I'm saying is...keep an eye on your friends.


Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See... so i can cuff em!

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So allegedly, Busta Rhymes involves himself in another altercation. I have a feeling he is going to die soon. This time, a man said Busta punched and kicked him numerous times outside of a club on December 26. Busta being the upstanding citizen that he is turned himself in and was booked with midemeanor assault charges. Well maybe no they can get the 411 on the shooting death of his bodyguard. See...we'll be going to his funeral soon.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Lisa Ling engaged to BUTT DOCTOR!


The Gay: Uh...Girl #1...that guy is an Oncologist...

Girl #1: I know!! That's a BUTT DOCTOR! Isn't that HILARIOUS!?!

The Gay: Um...No...a Proctologist is a specialist in all things Butt.

Girl #1: What?

The Gay: Yeah, he is not a Butt Doctor at all.

Girl #1: Well...That's not funny...


Fake Bitch, The Sequel


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Ugh, from what i can tell of my favorite luxury line...these are fake. ugh i can't stand fakes. The sad part is she can afford the real thing.

Lindsay using sonar?

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Really what can I say about this? Wonder no more why she sends crazy emails from her blackberry...the radiation has got to her brain. I secretly want to be your friend LiLo, but not when you do things like this.

You can make money off the pocket contents...

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The always scandalous and trashy whitney houston is having a swap meet at her hizzle, but she only wants to swap her bullshit for your cash!!! Whitney is selling off her sequined dolce and gabanna bustiers and what she calls "The Whitney Throne," personally I'd watch out for dootie bubbles in that biz. HELL TO THE YES!! Hopefully she doesn't clean out the pockets. There maybe some more rocks in there that you can sell and make a profit off. Remeber 700,000$ and we don't need to show her the reciepts.

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Gay or Frat Boy?

Remember how I sad that only gays or frat boys wear graphic tees? Case and Point. Now, this obviously begs the question; Brandon Davis: Gay or Frat Boy? At first, you may think the answer is obvious, but think about it. Is it possible that he is...BOTH???? A GAY FRAT BOY? Like the gay guy on the Real World Denver (Yes, I watch that, and I don't need your judgement, ok!)? Please vote in the comments.

Britney Spears goes where she belongs.

Singer? What songs? All she does is slob around drunk and neglect her children. Rehab is good is probably her best move since recording "Toxic".

Tara's brain is as wobbly as her ass.



Mary Kate, I know you're hungry...but strippers are not food.

Lebron James likes boobs.

This is a picture of Lebron James checking out some chicks ta-ta's at a pool party somewhere. Yes, basketball players really do have parties in which chicks walk around topless, solely for their viewing pleasure. JEALOUS?????????!!!! You should be. Click here to see the collection of NSFW pictures. Man, that girl's boobs is HUGE.

When did you turn on Beyonce?

Now, even the Oscars are against the bitch. The Oscars believe that only 3 people are able to write a song, and so Beyonce has been removed as a writing credit for the song "Listen". The song is also known as "The Song Beyonce Demanded to be Inserted into the Film, So She Can Prove That She Doesn't Otherwise Completely Blow Ass". This comes as a relief to me, because if the song wins the Oscar, Beyonce would forever be known as an "Oscar Winner", kind of like how Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are often credited as Oscar Winners, but it is never mentioned that their Oscars are for writing. Anyhoo, looks like Beyonce won't be winning an Oscar this year (because you know she won't be nominated for Best Actress).

And the hate for Beyonce continues. What happened to our big booty girl, who had us all at "Bootylicious"? Can Beyonce win us back? Beyonce, can you handle this? I will ponder these deep and philosophical questions over a delicious lunch of Pad Thai, and probably never think of it again...


Ricky Martin wears ironic, comical shirt...just like the gays do!

Ok...What is with you gays and ironic T-shirts? Ricky Martin proves again to the world that he is gay (as if thiswasn't enough) by sporting the fashion that only gay men and frat boys love. I'm not saying all gay men wear the ironic T, but a lot of you gays really love this "style". This is the style I am referring to:

See, that's a girls shirt, but I am willing to bet that I've seen at least 37 of you with it on. (And for those of you who don't have it yet, you can get it here) My point is. Ricky Martin is gay. And his wearing of the graphic tee proves this. Discuss.


Kid Rock kicks down door, goes to strip club

In yet another perfect example of how we roll in the D, Kid Rock fucked some shit up on New Years. According to Page Six, Kid Rock got all sorts of wasted, and proceeded to try to fight Tommy Lee. In his attempt, he kicked down a door to a hotel room, only to find a frightened family. In order to rectify the situation, he signed some autographs, then went to blow off some steam (and possibly his load) at the strip club.

This happens all the time in Detroit, so I will venture to say that it is hardly newsworthy. The only difference is, no one wants my autograph, and they generally shoot at you if you try to kick someone's door down. So you're lucky, Kid Rock, that you are "famous". And remember, if you try that shit back home, no one will care if you are famous or not, they will simply shoot you in the face. Better luck next time, Kid.

The Virgin Mary is so hot right now...

The Virgin Mary was totally boring, before someone decided to take it up a celebrity-notch and paint her as Angelina Jolie. UUUUUUHHHHHHH - That Virgin is HOTTTTT! I bet you dudes (and hell, even you ladies -- as we all know Angelina Jolie posesses a power that weakens both genders, regardless of sexual orientation) never thought you would want to bend the Virgin Mary over your bed and give her the old wham-bam, but now you do! And look at little Maddox's wang! UUUUUHHHHHH! That's right. In a couple years, you will be mine Maddox Jolie-Pitt. Oh yes, you will be mine...


Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Happy New Year.

As you can see, it's just another year. Nothings changing. And now that people are in credit card debt up to their eye balls and can't afford to shop and party season is over, I will have time to read and write about my dear celebrities.

Is Rihanna a Tranny?

I ask this in all she a Tranny? I always thought she looked a bit dude-ish, and now with that microphone oh-so-close to her would-be manhood, I really am wondering if she is a he. A chick with a dick! S.O.S. please someone help me figure this out...

Can Someone Please Explain...

Why Jamie Foxx is still allowed to be out in public? What do you think is in that bottle? Leave your ideas in the comments!


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Oh Lordy! Our lovely, Miss Britney Jean never leads a boring life. This yurr Miss Thang was paid a reported 300,000$ to wish ya’ll a Happy New Year at Pure nightclub at Caesers Palace. All was well and dandy until Brit got sick of all the peasants around her. Shortly after her TWO countdowns inside and outside the hotel, it was all downhill after that. There have been two conflicting reports of what occurred…

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The tabloids insist on Miss Spears getting too drunk that she had to be whisked out of the nightclub with the assistance of her friends. Girlfriend couldn’t even walk on her own. She was literally being carried out of the club by her gays. The gayest one of all was heard screaming, “No photos, No Photos, She tiiiiiihred”

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Larry Rudolph claims that Britney is acting like the Mama that she is. Her childrens were along with her and that she was tired from all the flying she doing. So Britney just fell asleep at the club?? Come the eff on. Do you think we are that retarded. Like she’s just gonna pass out at a bumpin’ club. Ya’all must be crazy!!!

Believe what you must…but know this, gays never lie hahahaha

Happy 2007!

Welcome back, everyone! Hope your new years was safe and wonderful. Let's re-cap what some celebrities did to ring in the New Year...

Before 2006 came to an end, a beached whale was found struggling to take its last breath, while scratching his balls:

My dear lord, that is no beached whale...that is Brandon Davis! This dude is so amazingly disgusting, there are no words...I can't believe people let him put his wang in them...there is no way...Sick.

Britney Spears looked ready to ring in the New Year! And by "ready to ring in the New Year" I mean she looked like she was about to be thrown on a grill and cooked up with the other sausages. Yikes Britney, cover some of that shit up...

More on Britney passing out on New Year's from The Gay...

What I want to know is...What the hell happened to Carson Daly?

Every picture of him from New Year's is like that. Big bug eyes, generally "too cracked out to speak" expression. Just keep smiling, one will wonder what the hell is wrong with you if you just...keep...smiling...

Yikes. Unfortunately, I did not get to see how cracked out Carson may have been acting. I was too busy being thoroughly disturbed and shaken to the very core of my being by watching Dick Clark count down to 2007.

Ok. Dude is DONE. Please for the love of god, stop putting Dick Clark on my TV. I grew up watching him too, and sure, he's a staple on new years, but the guy is hanging on to life by a thread. I'm sorry, I've gotten into this debate with a couple of friends who think that Dick Clark should continue to be on TV, and I totally disagree. When is he just going to take a break and live the rest of his life off camera? He can't even do the countdown anymore! Then his creepy wife came to kiss him and I thought I was going to spew. I am not disrespecting the work this guy has done, but Bob Barker bowed out gracefully, why can't Dick Clark? For real, this was the creepiest ringing in of the New Year I can remember. Please, ABC, no buzzkill next year. If Dick Clark is still insisting to do this, someone please step in and tell him no. If Dick Clark continues, I fear that this may be our future:

And if that wasn't enough...we get to see Nicole Richie and Joel Madden slobbering all over each other:

Hooray for them? You know things is bad when you are actually relieved to see pictures of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo kissing:

I guess all is well that ends well. In other news, Kate Moss and Pete Doherty GET MARRIED!

Oh wait...NO THEY DIDN'T!!! Nice one, Douchebag.

Well, I spent my New Years hanging out with a few good friends, playing the Nintendo Wii, and watching episodes of 90210...and it was PERFECT! Minus the Dick Clark, anyway. Now I can finally say...THANK GOD THE G.D. HOLIDAY'S ARE OVER!!!