Friday, December 22, 2006

Mary J. does something that does not annoy me

2006 really was a great year for Mary J. Blige. It is really unfortunate that a girl I used to work with played "Without You" on repeat for 8 hours every day, because now, I kinda hate Mary. It's not her fault...if you haven't noticed yet, I have a great, all-encompassing sense of unwarranted anger, that can only be overpowered by cuteness. Take this commercial for example. That little girl is totally cute, and the commercial also reminds me of the great Mary songs that I used to love...specifically, Not gon' cry. (EEE-lev-uhn years...) Anyway, I thought I'd try to calm my general anger for the day since we are going into a holiday weekend. Enjoy!

Thanks Crunk & Disorderly.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I love gays!

It's a war of the gays, y'all. Reichen Lehm-whatever the shit his name is (Lance Bass' boyfriend) is taking it to a certain fatty of a blogger, Perez Hilton. It all started here. Reichen is pissed that Perez said that he made out with some dude, because contrary to popular belief, he and Lance are still going strong. Perez fired back with basically a "F U FAG OMG I DO WHAT I WANT" response, to which Reichen is now threatening legal action. Go here to read the full blog from Reichen, which also answers the age old question; Reichen, top or bottom?

For the love of god, take the fatty out. Perez got lucky by weaseling his way into the hollywood circle. How did he do it? By picking the most idiotic celebrity to idolize, the only one who is dumb enough to let a gossip blogger into her world, Paris Hilton. Now he is making 6 figures by lying on his blog, and drawing cum and coke on pictures of celebrities with MS Paint. Dude, if you're going to make cum, put a little effort into it. If my experience has taught me anything, it's not just some dots on the chin. Everytime I've been blasted in the face, that shit's all up in my hair, on the ceiling, everywhere. It's called "realistic interpretation", Perez. Put down the doughnut and really try to make it believable. WE ALL KNOW how many times you've gotten splooged in the face...

U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi

The war of the uglies has just begun. Rosie O’Donnell went off on Donald Trump because he let off Miss nastrytrashy Miss USA off so easily. This was his response…..

What the hell? Who told Donald Trump it was a good idea to go off on Rosie O’donnell like that? He sounds like a fifth grader just shouting insults at the butch dyke. Like honestly, how does this dude have billions and the worse come over, ever. I like to call it being delusional. Donald, you’re the ugly one.

Diddy had twins!

This is what the mother of Diddy's twins looks like. What a trap on that one! If Kim Porter's mouth is that know her vagina is like a gaping black hole. It's a wonder that the two twin girls, only weighing around 5lbs. each, crawled out of-what I can only imagine to be-the world's largest vag-hole. I'd like to congratulate Kim Porter for ensuring she will be paid for the rest of her life by having not one, but two of Diddy’s kids! Way to go, girl! Even when he cheats on you and leaves you (which he will, it's Diddy, come on) you will have a nice steady check in the mail every month.

Kirsten tries to scientifically prove that her "shit don't stink"

Kirsten Dunst annoys the shit out of me. A lot of straight dudes don't understand why most ladies, and gays, want to punch this stupid bitch in the face. That's because straight-dudes want to bone Kirsten Dunst, and if they had it their way, they'd probably put their wang right in between her boobs (which should be covered by a bra, but generally are not) and titty-fuck her until she was actually good in a movie (and that might take a while...). Anyway, this is for the rest of us, who actually hate her. Kirsten Dunst has some problem with her shit, and she's not ashamed of it. No, she has taken her Comprehensive Digestive Stool Analysis tool out of the bag and is proudly showing the world. I hope part of this Stool Analysis requires that she touches her own poo. And then she has to eat it. Kirsten Dunst eats poo.

Heidi Klum hides Jr. KKK member in jacket

Heidi Klum is German, and therefore racist. Which explains why her baby is dressed up like a member of the KKK. It does not explain, however, why she has shoved this adorable ball of hate in her jacket. I know it's cold Heidi, but there are better ways of keeping your baby warm. I wouldn't know what those are necessarily, because I don't have kids, and if I did, I'd probably just toss 'em in the microwave and hit the potato button. Mmmmmm...potato.

Drugs, Drugs the magical mix, the more you eat, the more you____?

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According to Star Magazine - a tsunami of drug use has taken Hollywood by storm. Celebrities are trying any and every combination; with cocaine, xanax, adderall, ecstasy, heroin, oxycontin, and crystal meth readily available. And Lindsay Lohan's suite at the Chateau Marmont is a hotbed of secret drug parties!

Okay obviously, this was written by a non drug user. Mixing pills are bad. If you're gonna roll, don't stake an upper, it's going to ruin the roll, duh. Why would any take adderall when there is coke? Adderall is simply coke, but less extreme, I like to call it diet coke. Only an idiot would speedball, drugs are not worth death. Speedballing is when you taken an upper and a downer causing your heart to beat fast then slow, you really don't want it to be dippin' low. I guess, I'll pass on my knowledge--

Downers: xanax, heroin, oxycontin, alcohol, pot
Uppers: Coke, adderall, meth (tina)

Ecstasy is an all arounder it can be an upper or a downer. But for the most part uppers will kill your roll while downers seem to put it on pause then you roll again.

So now you've taken drug 101, don't believe everything all the bloggers and tabloids be tellin' ya. Take it from a seasoned pro. Merry XMAS Ya'll.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Jessica left Nick for this?

Here's a nekkid Bam Margera of Jack Ass Fame. I thought it'd be bigger. But oh well, it's not at full salute. Click the pic for the larger uncensored version.

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Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as of late. Here's a story:

Last night my teeth/jaw/head hurt so bad that I couldn't sleep. I waited until 8 am, called the dentist, made an appointment. I went to the dentist, where he informed me that I am so stressed out that I am GRINDING MY TEETH DOWN. He had to reshape my teeth with this thing that made smoke come out of my mouth. Oh, and I have to get a bite guard and wear it to sleep every night, so I'll never be sexy again. On top of being stressed, I'm going to die alone, wearing a retainer.

So yeah, be nice to your cashiers. They are humans. Humans with classes and finals and parties and hangovers. Humans that like conversations about other things than sweaters and coupons.

love, girl #2

Update: I'm not stressed, I just need a root canal. (Free drugs?)

Please don't yell at me, Mr. T!!!

Act now, folks! If you hurry, you can have Mr. T or Dennis Hopper guide you through the mean streets of wherever on your fancy new GPS system! I wonder if I can program mine to just recite lines from Blue Velvet. Dennis Hopper could say "Daddy wants to FUCK...please turn left".

We apologize for the lack of posts...

TGG would like to say, sorry we suck, and please don't leave us! Girl #1 is busy with a new job and a new boyfriend (see above). I'm learning all about Scientology and it's super fun! I will try to post more. Girl #2 is slaving away in retail hell. She is ringing your bitch asses up, so give her a break. The Gay is twirling somewhere, like all you gays do. Stay with us through the holidays, and we promise to keep blogging!!!


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You'd think with all the money they had, these high class whores would buy real bags. But take it from me, an LV fanatic, these bags are as real as Paris's weave. Ugh. SO Disgusted.

I'm Missin You Like Candy.....

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Everyone should download the Wade Robson remix of "candy" by Mandy Moore. It totally Rules. CariDee!!!! She totally was meant to be America's Next Top Model. This is her cover for February's Seventeen. She rules ya'll

Is She MAN enough for me?

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I totally heart Selma Blair, but not when she is more butch than I.


The Gay


Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Tori Spelling is training for motherhood

Tori Spelling, you dumbass. If you do not know how to push a baby in a stroller, pushing a dog around in a stroller is not going to help you. No...I think you're pretty much beyond help if you need to practice pushing a stroller...I fear for the well being of your child already. Can you call CPS if the baby hasn't been born yet? Just as a heads up...

Monday, December 18, 2006

Same Old Dog Tricks

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Omg. What has the world come to? You can pay $135 for tickets to this New Years Bash. Or for thirty bucks more you can hang out with Tara Reid and watch her fall with your own eyes! The saddest part, it's not even the hottest party in Chicago. Sadly, how we fall into the D-List so easily.

Dear LiLo

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"They're all whores, they're all whores . . . xcept for some obviously! So . . . 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised. everywhere . . . I mean we're talkin' like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH ACTION-bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body. Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect the cunts now. . . I'm not gonna lie to ya."

Will someone please for the love of Allah, take away her blackberry and terminate her t-mobile account? LaLohan is allegedly learning these stripper moves for her next box office flop I Know Who Killed Me. Omg. I just cant handle this mess anymore.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

I Want Justin's Dick in A Box

Best Skits From Justin on SNL

Carmello Anthony bitch-slaps some dude on the Knicks!

Being from the Detroit area...I love a good basketball fight. Especially when the fight doesn't go into the stands (that being said...our fight was totally better...). The best parts about this are the fact that Carmello Anthony didn't punch anybody. He straight up bitch-slapped Knicks guard Mardy Colliins (0:59), the asshole who pretty much started the whole thing by committing the flagrant foul. I also really enjoy when Mardy Collins is running after Anthony, there is this little, white old man holding him back (:45). I think if he really wanted to fight Anthony, he could of shook off the old dude. And, he does kind of shake off the old dude. The little old man really tries to hang on, but grabs the wrong players foot(:50). "A" for effort!

Good, classic brawl. My opinion on this is, way to go Carmello. That is the only way to show Mardy Collins that getting beaten severly in a basketball game does not make it ok to put someone in a headlock. I think a bitch-slap was a completely appropriate response.