Saturday, December 9, 2006

Maddox Jolie Pitt* circa 2021



*actually Naima of America's Next Top Model fame

Friday, December 8, 2006

Why so blue, Christina?



Here, Christina Aguilera is seen looking rather down in the dumps. Why the long face, artist formerly known as Xtina?

Are you sad because there are only 21 shopping days left before Christmas and you still don't have all of your shopping done?

Is it because someone mistakely told you that the hair net you have on your head was a hat?

Or maybe it is due to the fact that you married someone that kind of resembles a troll?

What do you think is causing Christina to mope? Leave your wildest dreams in the comments...





Source

Oprah to straight up murder TomKat



...Tom? Are you out of your EFFIN' MIND????

Tom cruise has now snubbed Oprah, not once, but TWICE from his wedding ceremony. TomKat are reportedly having another post-wedding extravaganza, because apparently, not enough attention was given to them the first time around. You would think this would be an opportune time to right what was wronged the first time around when they didn't invite Oprah to their Italian nuptials. TomKat feel otherwise.

Those two are truly insane. Oprah has enough power to wipe both of them and their Asian baby off the face of the Earth with nothing more than a bat of an eye. Oprah could just breathe in the general direction of L.A. and, if directed correctly, both Tom and Katie's lungs would instantly collapse, and as they are struggling for their last breaths, Oprah would miraculously appear, and snap the neck of baby Suri right in front of them, so it is the last thing they see before they die and realize that Scientology is a bunch of bullshit.

Okay, maybe Oprah wouldn't go that far...but she obviously could if she wanted to. All I'm saying is...Fool with Oprah once, shame on you. Fool with Oprah twice...uh...mmmmm...how does that go again? Bush, help me out?

Amy Sedaris quizzes you on the holidays



Ever wonder when it is appropriate to re-gift? What is the best way to ask your guests to get the hell out of your house? Amy Sedaris has all the answers in this cute video quiz from People.com. Just think of this as a fun-filled way to get you to lunch today. You're welcome, dicks. Now where's my present? Do you think I just do this shit for fun???


Click here for the Video Quiz

Trapped in the CLAUSet

Once again, thank you Idolator, via BWE. Finally, a holiday rendition done right.

I present...Trapped in the CLAUSet. And, yes...if you are wondering what that is in the still from the third video...you are correct...that would be Jesus...





WOAH!

OHMYGAAAAWD!
BRITNEY ADDED ME BACK ON MYSPACE!
I like to think she actually looked at my page, and said "This girl is like HOT! I wanna show her my vajaja ya'll!"

Thursday, December 7, 2006

Lindsay Lohan still hasn't recieved an education.



Oh man. Here we go again. Remember THIS? She's at it again...

The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.

But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan

Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.


Ughhhhh. . . Doesn't she know that she is not our "entertainer"? She is our tabloid fodder. Hillary Clinton doesn't give a flying fuck if the US Magazine talks about Lindsay flashing her vagina every which way. She made terrible albums, and hasn't appeared in a successful movie since Mean Girls (which was Rachel McAdams' movie anyway). If you want to live your life, there are ways to live it out of the public eye... hmmm.. how about NOT hanging out with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. NOT starting very public catfights. NOT flashing her lady parts to the world. NOT living in Los Angeles, where paparazzi roam the streets. NOT going to parties every night. Or NOT writing very public letters that make absolutely no sense? If she is trying to be an actress, she should be an actress. Never have I ever seen Julia Roberts' or Reese Witherspoon's cooter. Never have they written nonsensical letters to the press. She should take a cue from Oscar winners, not Anna Nicole.

Can someone please explain...



Um...what the hell is going on here? Is Beyonce having a basket case moment, with a siamese twin about to emerge from her skull? What do you think is about to crawl out of her head??? Someone please explain what is going on...in the comments!

Caridee wins!



As I said, Caridee took home the crown of America's Next Top Model. While I found the entire season to be a bit lacking, I have to say that the finale was quite possibly one of the most hilarious episodes in top model history. They invented a word this time around! I had to go to "The Gay" to find out what Fista meant. The word was used in the CoverGirl commercial in this context:

"Dance, Dine, have a Fista! Your old lipgloss -- Hasta La Vista!"

EDIT: Here is a clip from the finale. Start Video at 1:44 to see the commercial.



What the hell is a Fista??????? The Gay says:

Fista [Fee-stah] n. - Cousin to fiesta. Used to rhyme with vista.

There you have it. The first ANTM episode to invent a word AND use it in a commercial. Tyra...perhaps you need those pesky writers after all.

Source

Britney Speaks!



Britney Spears posted this item on her official website last night. Two Girls and a Gay EXCLUSIVELY bring you this EXCLUSIVE message from Britney Spears! Britney went through many versions before she decided on the one you see above. Here is one she decided against:



What do you think Britney is trying to say?

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Got a question you've been dying to ask Sylvester Stallone?



Ain't It Cool News has an extra special treat for all of you Sylvester Stallone fans. They have asked their audience to submit questions that they would want Sly to answer. They will feature 10 questions a day, for 20 days (that's 200 questions, bitches!) on their website. So what do you want to know about the big guy? Email your questions to:

HK@AINTITCOOL.COM - with the SUBJECT LINE - "I HAVE A SLY QUESTION FOR STALLONE"

Here are the links for the first rounds:

Round One
Round Two
Round Three
Round Four
Round Five


And here is my favorite question so far:

For the love of all that is good and Holy.

How do you use the 3 seashells?!

Louis Saucedo
Dallas, Texas

SLY: OK, this may be bordering on the grotesque, but the way it was explained to me by the writer is you hold two seashells like chopsticks, pull gently and scrape what’s left with the third. You asked for it…. Be careful what you ask for, sorry.

HA! Who else loves the classic film, Demolition Man!

Girl #2's thoughts on Britney as a mother.




I love Britney.
I love her classy.
I love her trashy.
I love Toxic, it's my ring tone.
I loved her marriage to Kevin.
I love her blonde.
I love her brunette.
I love "Sometimes", "Crazy", "Lucky", "Don't let me the last to know", "Baby.. One more time" I know ALL of the words.
I love her love of cheetos.
I love her love of Redbull.
I love her constantly awful taste in clothing.

Taking all of that into consideration, I CANNOT come to terms with a woman leaving her one month old child at home while she goes out every night. I'm sure she loves her "boo boos", but at one month old, a child needs to be held, by it's mother, constantly. Infants live in the womb for nine months, they know the tone of their mother's voice, they need to hear it. They need to be touched and hugged all of the time. They need to be held. Infants can only see 18 inches in front of their faces (the distance between the child and his mother's face when he's nursing) they need some one close to them whenever they're awake. She apparently doesn't love them enough to be a real mother to them. It's irresponsible, the first months are crucial to a child's developement and she obviously doesn't care. Would Kevin really be a better parent? Who knows. Maybe these children are just doomed.

Who will be crowned, America's Next Forgettable Model!?

I am a huge fan of this show and the FINALE IS ON TONIGHT!!! But I must say, this season I found a bit lacking. Sure there was a lot of crying and bitching and fighting, which I like...a lot. But there was something missing this season. Perhaps it was girls that actually look and act like models. For example:


Top Model hopeful #1: Melrose

Even though I think Melrose looks nothing like a model, she is the ONLY one on the show that acts like a model. And by acting like a model, I mean acting like a straight up bitch. However, I was shocked at Melrose's lack of a response when Monique essentially wiped her vag on Melrose's bed, and the bitch did nothing. She just rolled over and slept in the remnants of Monique's vag wiping...I would have probably at least crapped on her bed in retaliation, but to each their own.


Top Model hopeful #2: Eugena

Eugena is boring. She is pretty, but forgettable. I was excited about her from the first episode because she was talking shit about all the past seasons of America's Next Top Model. Usually, the ones hate on all the past contestants are the biggest diva's of them all...but I think Eugena unfortunately realized that this was all going to be on TV, so for the most part she has been keeping her trap shut. She can look really pretty, but you know Tyra wants a diva to be the Top Model...which brings us to who I think will win:


Top Model hopeful #3: Caridee

Since I have to pick one of these girls to win, I think Caridee is the clear front-runner. She's got the drama (she pronounced to all the other girls that she tried to kill herself, and she told Nigel that he had a stick up his ass...), she's got the disgustingly rail thin body, and she actually can be cute when she's not trying to convince the judges that she's not a raging bitch. So, if my predictions are correct, congratulations Caridee! Have fun shooting "My Life as a Cover Girl" for next season, and...well, that's about all Top Model's ever get to do. I somehow predict that we'll be seeing you in soft-core porn in a couple years though...

If you only had one photo in your hand...who do you think will be crowned America's Next Top Model?????....

Images from Four Four, a hilarious top model blog.

Lance poopshooting a Tranny?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Page Six reports that Lance Bass has kicked Reichen to the curb and is now dating someone new. Okay seriously, where are the gays at page six? Gay dating and straight dating are totally different unless you are in the greek system haha. For instance horny Gay Boys and Horny Frat boys (one in the samesies?) both like to stick their dicks in holes...many different holes. Just because he was seen on a date with someone doesn't mean he's dating him...it could be just a gay.com/manhunt/adam4adam hookup. jesus christ on a cross. We, fags, are picky. We test drive potential boyfriends before we buy them. And Lance really isnt dating a tranny, thats just him and eve..(ps i love you eve, but you look tranny in that picture.)

They's coming for your kids, Britney!



RUN BRITNEY, RUN! Wait...Britney, go back...put down the starbucks, there you go. Now, find some underwear, ok....good. Now, find your children....There's one on top of the microwave, and I think the other one is playing in the dishwasher. Got 'em? ok good...NOW RUN! Child Protective Services is on your ass! According to Page Six, CPS wants to have a good old fashioned sit down with the mother of 2, to talk about the hot mess that your life has turned into, all in a matter of weeks.

In fact, you are doing so bad Britney, that COURTNEY LOVE and JANICE DICKINSON have both chimed in to tell you what a bad mother you are! Junkie Courtney Love and whore Janice Dickinson are passing judgment on you, Brit! Screw the rest of the world, when these two take the moral high ground, you know you are doing something bad...

The two talked to Extra, and here is what they had to say about Britney and her partying ways:

'“Say what you will about me, and I'm not passing judgment, but when I had my daughter, I stayed home with her almost every night for the first year of her life,” Love said."'

See Brit, just get through first year, and then prop that baby up on the toilet and use it for leverage when you are shooting up between your toes!

Janice Dickinson says:

'“I mean, even I had give up my wild ways and buckle down and become a parent,” Dickinson insisted. “Paris is not the nanny; Britney should hang with the nannies and the children.”'

Or just...you know...don't have a nanny...??? The Janice Dickinson way of parenting: Hang with the nanny so it looks like you are raising your children.

Brit, you should take comfort in the fact that even Courtney Love couldn't fuck up her kid that much. Look how cute Love and Francis Bean looked backstage at the Billboard music awards:



Damn you Courtney Love! Like Britney, I prefer you trashy as well. Is it wrong that I am disappointed when stars seem to be doing well?

Pic Source via WireImage

Bono wants to save the world...AGAIN.



When I think of the biggest douchebags* in the entertainment industry...many, MANY names come to mind. Scott Stapp, Brandon Davis, Dr. Phil, Vincent Gallo, Ann Coulter, Donald Trump, Joe Simpson, Howard K. Stern, Paris & Perez Hilton, Isiah Washington, Kevin Federline, JARED LETO, Brett Ratner, Kimora Lee Simmons, Pete Wentz, Panic at the Disco (all of them), Michael Richards, Tony Little, Mel Gibson, I pretty much agree with anyone Best Week Ever nominates for their daily douche, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jude Law, Lane Garrison, Cameron Diaz, David Miscavige, Chad Michael Murray, Bette Midler, Brad Renfro, Dakota Fanning, Suri Cruise, Will Smith, Denise Richards, Charlie Sheen, Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria, All of the San Antonio Spurs...

The list can go on and on, people...but i think you get the point.

However, if I had to name a King Douche...it would be, without a doubt, BONO. Now that pretentious, self-righteous, over-hyped piece of shit is in the news again (because you know he gets nervous if a day goes by and no one is mentioning what a great humanitarian he is...), this time, because he is offering the father of Madonna's African baby a job. The Sun reports:

"The U2 frontman thinks Yohane would fit in well at wife Ali Hewson’s ethical clothing label, Edun, where she is the creative head.

He said: 'We’re trying to get jobs to Africa then people will be able to keep their children.'"

Maybe, Bono...but Madonna isn't the only one to try to adopt a child from Africa (and isn't adoption a humanitarian act in itself? Madonna can certainly be a douche as well...but, rarely is anyone a bigger douche than Bono). But now, since there is all this press surrounding Madonna's adoption, Bono of course feels the need to chime in. "ME TOO GUYS! I'M BONO REMEMBER! I LOVE AFRICA TOO! I LOVE ANYTHIING THAT MAKES ME LOOK BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE! U2 IS THE GREATEST BAND IN THE WORLD!"

...This was a bad choice to start the day. Now I'm all angry. Expect more unwarranted rage-fueled rants from me today. More than usual, anyway.

*Sorry if you think the word "douchebag" is over-used. Did you ever take a second to think about what a douchebag really is? Think about it...it's a pretty accurate word to describe certain people, no?

Some things to make you feel better.

Babies and puppies!

Baby chinchillas!

Bloody Marys!

Mister Charlie Sweaters!

Emory and Oglethorpe!

Dolly Parton!

Pizza!

Well... maybe those are just some things to make ME feel better.
yours 4EVER,
Girl #2

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

SERIOUSLY?

Knock it off with the break-ups! These too were the cutest kids in Hollywood! SO CUTE! Cute like baby animals cute. Cute like when old couples hold hands. Cute like rainbows and unicorns. CARE BEAR CUTE. Get back together immediately! I command you. I don't even watch you're stupid show, but I am losing all faith in love. I have nothing left to give.

I bet this is Zach Braff's fault. I fucking hate that guy.

Aw, man!

Why does every one have to break-up? I thought this was true love! Jennifer is cute! Vince is snuggly! I'm not even sure it's true. . . she went on OPRAH to tell the world that they hadn't broken up! Only James Frey lies to Oprah, and we all know what happened to him. Besides, I will always have a soft spot for Rachel, and I don't want her to be sad.

hmmm... WHAT?!

Dakota Fanning and Andre 3000, of course. Duh. OBVIOUSLY.
Andre 3000 wearing a mexican blanket, some sort of Italian scarf, and those ugly moccasin boots that Kate Moss goes crazy over.

Jessica Simpson should have went poo first.



Here it is, folks! The video you've all been waiting for...Jessica Simpson, effin' it up during the Dolly Parton tribute. Sadly, this video contains more Inside Edition yapping and less Jessica Simpson making an ass out of herself, but it does contain Jessica holding her stomach, looking like she should have dropped the kids off at the pool before she got on stage. Nerves or constipation, YOU DECIDE! I hope better videos emerge in the coming days. For now, this is what we get. Thank you Inside Edition. Thank you.

Who Dat IzzzzzzzZZZZzzz!?!?

What fading "it" girl has had a bad year due to la drug use. First, her parents intervened due to a hillbilly stylist's meth diet. Secondly, marriage ended due to la cocoa fueled 9am PARTY ALL THE TIME binges with a new stylist. And lost a lucrative contract because of said stylist. It really hasn't been her year. Girl if you need some tips on how to maintain, I got all the answers.

What rough and tough rapper whos been shot more times than britney's vag, really likes to bring all the boys to his yard. that's right, and he'll even charge if you tell anyone about it.

What singer is about to be exposed as the milli vanilli of the new millenium because she ain't gots no money and can no longer pay the real singer.

All the Vag you can handle!

We were lacking a bit in the Britney's Vag department, I'll admit. We are LITERALLY 2 girls and a gay, though...we don't really care about the vag all that much... Thankfully, our friends over at Popbytes have got you covered! They have posted a COLLECTION of Vagtastic Vag for you, in convienient SFW and NSFW versions! So the next time Jimmy the intern goes to the copier, why don't you just happen to have some of the Vag shots up on your monitor. I think you owe him, and yourself, that much...

CELEBRATE THE ENTIRE COLLECTION, HERE!



Pic Source

Survivor: Porn Islands

ya'll wangsta lovers can thank me now. Cutie patootie Ozzy from the new survivor totally did a softcore porn.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Yeah he's one of the cuter ones on the new show and they are constantly blurring his pubes. No more staring at his bulge, I have the real thing. His occupation is waiter, and do you really think you can live off that salary in LA. I totally doubt it.
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Click the flowers for the real thing

Introducing...KELLY.



I'm not quite sure what this is exactly...but I am sure of two things.
1) NSFW
2) It rules.

Enjoy "text message break up" above (AND FOR ALL Y'ALL GAYS--the video features Margaret Cho) and "shoes" below. Find out more about Kelly, here

Seth & Summer is done.



Life & Style report that Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody have ended their 2 year relationship. Are their characters on the O.C. still together? I stopped watching that show...

Luckily, there's this guy to re-cap. I can only wonder what he would have to say about the break up. I can only hope it would be as gripping and informative as this:

Um....................



Well...here's something you don't see everyday. A terribly offensive looking Jay-Z doll! This was made by renowned toy designer Eric So and GIVEN TO JAY-Z AS A GIFT! What do you think Jay-Z said when he got this?????? "Sir...I truly do not believe that my lips are THAT big." I don't think that this is what he wanted to see when he said "Show me what you got". Your thoughts?




Source

Eddie Murphy is CLASSY!



People is reporting that Eddie Murphy is now dating Tracey Edmonds (I didn't know who this was either...apparently she used to be married to Babyface) and NOT dating Mel B. aka Scary Spice (the real scary spice, not the other one), who he supposedly recently impregnated. Eddie is now denying that the baby is his, and demanding a DNA test.

Men leaving their impregnated girlfriends/wives is one of my favorite things! Way to stay classy, Eddie. You know this shit is gonna get UGLY. But, it's no wonder why Eddie is getting around these days...look at that picture!!! I know it's an old one, but damn, those satin sheets get me every time. Here are some more recent pictures of these fools. Stay tuned for developments on this one...


Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds

VS.


Mel B sporting what could possibly be the Eddie Jr. baby bump.

Page Six Blind Items!

-- WHICH recently separated celeb has a new habit to go along with her new friends? The cutie is spending way too much time in the bathroom of the many clubs she visits, hoovering down cocaine that her pals supply her with . . .




We know how much she likes bathrooms, y'alls...

--WHICH hard-partying Hollywood starlet has club cocktail waitresses fueling rumors of rehab by whispering that the actress cuts her coke with strawberry Quik? . . .




We know how much she likes strawberries, y'alls...

--WHICH new pair of best friends are actually more? When they get back to their hotels or homes, the clothes come off. . .





We definitely know how much she likes to be a lesbian, y'alls...

Could all 3 blind items be about Britney??????

Source

Paris doesn't understand how lockets work



Paris apparently does not understand how clothing works either. The "famous for being a dumb, drunk, slut"...person?...is shown wearing an open locket around her neck. Up close, you can see that the locket contains pictures of her and on again/off again boyfriend Stavros Niarchos, sparking rumors that they are, in fact, on again.



If you care, than she has done something right. If you don't care...I'm proud of you. I can only hope that during their "off again" period, one of them contracted a potentially fatal disease, and we will soon be rid of both of these wastes of space...

Source
Pics

Rip Torn can definitely still get drunk!



Rip Torn is one guy who likes his sauce. I am one girl who loves celebrity mug shots! Look at his hair! This is awesome. I hope this saga ends in another rant, like this.

Source

Pedro...

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what the guh.....tejas.

ANOTHER (sort of) well styled celeb! What a day!


Well played, make-up team! Good job, hairstylist! Better luck next time, stylist! I have to admit. . . Cameron looks HOT. H - O - T HOT. And this is coming from a girl who usually calls her "gremlin".


with 40% of the love in my heart,
Girl #2

p.s. That movie looks pretty cute. The kind of warm, feel good movie that chicks can watch in their pajamas. Here's the trailer.



p.p.s. Show me the money, movie studios.