All praises to Allah! Mimi is set to release two cds in ’07. Jesus and Mimi oh my! I bet you its gonna be a cd of original versions and then a remix cds with added assorted rappers. Oh mimi, always finding ways to make the cheddar from your undying fans.
Friday, December 1, 2006
All praises to Allah! Mimi is set to release two cds in ’07. Jesus and Mimi oh my! I bet you its gonna be a cd of original versions and then a remix cds with added assorted rappers. Oh mimi, always finding ways to make the cheddar from your undying fans.
Posted by tgg at 4:35 PM
HAHAHAhoHAheeeyy-ooooh! Jamie Kennedy, your topical humor surely is a DELIGHT. Thank you for trying to get some press in a world that generally ignores your mediocrity. I hope those really are Britney's underwear, and I really hope that you now have crabs in your facial scruff.
The man that brought us the first crotch-slip in a movie, “Basic Instinct,” now wants to do a gritty Jesus flick. Hold on to your britches ya’ll. Jesus maybe bringing sexxyback in 2007. Paul Verhoven is allegedly a part of a team of scholars (a term I use loosely because he did bring us “Showgirls”) who are using scientific methods in proving or disproving what Jesus said or didn’t say.
“…as a wandering sage who did not found religion or rise from the dead, but preached in startling parable and aphorisms, often turning common ideas upside down and confounding expectations of his audience.”
Sounds to me like there might be a controversial casting of her Madgesty herself as God. I pray to Allah there is lots of male nudity. There’s never enough of that.
Pitchfork reports on the latest developments in the Colbert VS. The Decemberists feud. In case you haven't heard yet...Let's try to bring you up to date.
The Decemberists issued a challenge to their fans to make their next video. They filmed themselves against a green screen, and asked fans to supply the rest of the video. Stephen Colbert aired a segment on his show called "Who's riding my coattails now?" and accused the Decemberists of stealing his idea, as he has done a green screen challenge of his own in the past. He also urged his "nation" to use this opprotunity presented by the Decemberists to insert Colbert into the Decemberists video. Now, the Decemberists are firing back...
"Mr. Colbert, assuming that we watch his show (ok, we do), went on to suggest that we had stolen his idea, calling us 'a bunch of coat tail riding jerks!' Who's riding on whose coat tails, sir?
"We already played out the light saber thing months earlier, live and on stage-- sans animation, stunt double and fancy green screen-- with pure rock, sweat and C batteries:
"So now, threatened by our video contest and in fear of losing both the House and Senate, Stephen Colbert is offering up his 'Second Green Screen Challenge':
"We are asking our fans to help us win this epic battle. That's right, we want you to help us defeat Stephen Colbert in our video! Show us how you would 'Mulch' him, take him down to the banks of the Ohio, put a cap in his Dockers. Send them to him here:
"and send them to us here:
"Furthermore, we'd like to announce the very first 'Decemberists vs Stephen Colbert Guitar Solo Challenge'. Put down the pen, Colbert, and pick up the axe! Let's see what kind of a man you really are-- let's SHRED. Let truth and good music prevail!!!"
I can't wait to see how this one pans out. I am truly hoping for lots of wang slips from both parties.
Page Six is reporting that, contrary to some rumors that LiLo is currently seeking help for her partying ways, Lohan was out boozing it up and actin' a fool at the GQ Men of the Year party. First, Lohan brought her mom to the party, which is just asking for trouble, as her mom is almost trashier than her offspring. Then, she was all enraged when she saw that her former assistant is now working for Jessica Biel. Lohan started screaming about how "assistants" shouldn't be allowed to hang at the cool kids table. The tirade was pretty much ignored by everyone, but a friend of Biel's said the following:
"Jess didn't steal anyone's assistant - her assistant stopped working for Lindsay a long time ago. And whatever drama happened, Jess was no part of it. She is not part of [Lohan's] crowd - she is a professional."
After overhearing the tirade, Will Ferrel turned to his friends and said ""Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?"
And a ZING from Biel's friend & Will Ferrel! Looks like almost no one likes poor Lohan, so Lohan took her drama elsewhere, "Necking" (which I think is "old" for making out) with Johnny Knoxville (???) who is married, and about 15 years her senior. I hope that this bit is not true, as it makes me feel very weird just thinking about the prospect of her drunk ass slobbering all over his stupid ass, but I guess it is sort of fitting. Soon after, Lohan's ex, Harry Morton, showed up and the whole bunch (including Knoxville and crazy mama) left together.
I know all the drama has been centered around Britney these days, but the Lohan is giving Brit a run for her (lack of) panties! Bitch is crazy!!! It is times like these that I wish I was a celebrity, only so I could be at these parties where all of this shit goes down. I can just see LiLo busting in the door, drunk as Danny DeVito, while Mama Lohan stands in the corner nodding and saying "That's my girl...". Then Lindsay would spew on someone, and that would be the end to a perfect night. Below is how Lindsay looked the night of the madness. Photo
Tom Cruise spent roughly $5 Million dollars on a 6 bedroom home in West Sussex, England. The only problem...this first home for the newlyweds is set in the middle of a sewage project.
A resident of the same area stated:
“The stink is appalling. Tom and Katie will have to walk around with clothes-pegs on their noses.
“I can’t believe they have viewed the house.”
Tom just thought that the smell was simply intergalactic Xenunian freedom, as the scientology headquarters is only a mere 3 miles away from his shithouse.
Kate may pine away for Owen while he's casually sleeping with other women!
Pam may marry Kid or Tommy again!
Reese may have a series of irresponsible one night stands!
Ryan may actually make a good movie!
Kiera may accidently eat a whole meal... of food!
Rupert may accidently eat a whole meal... of food!
Britney may have three more vagina slips, trip, fall, and end up pregnant with Larry Birkheads (second) child!
Kevin may put out a hit song and get the kids!
Who knows! The possibilities are endless! As the divorces are finalized and a new year begins, the celebrity gossip business will be booming! Hoo ray!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
In a world in which it seems like celebrity love is doomed to fail, two dumbasses give it a go. US Weekly confirms that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are engaged! And now...let's all predict how long the marriage will last!!!!
Seeing as they've broken it off already in the past, I'm gonna give this one 9 months from the date of the wedding. I think they'll make it to the wedding, and I also predict that they will make a public affair out of the whole ordeal and probably get married on FOX or something. How long do YOU think it will last??? Leave your predictions in the comments!
TMZ reports that Ethan Embry was robbed at gunpoint Sunday night due to the fact that the culprits recognized him from the movies. The robbers got away with $400 and a watch, which is more than I thought he would have. If I would have wagered a guess, I would say it would have been $1.37 and a half a stick of gum. The only reason he is still recognized is because he looks the same as he did 10 years ago, the last time he was in a movie. I'm guessing he was robbed by some pre-pubescent emo girls who are still watching Empire Records every day.
I'm sure KKKramer is wishing Mel Gibson would keep his jew-hating trap shut, as he is obviously not helping Michael Richards' cause by chiming in. Gibson said the following in regards to the Richards scandal:
“I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress. You don’t need to be inebriated to be bent out of shape. But my heart went out to the guy. They’ll probably torture him for a while and then let him go. I like him.”
Crazy Mel and Crazy KKKramer -- a racist match made in heaven!
And in my favorite little news story of the day, Best Week Ever transcribed this little gem: a BLIND ITEM from the View!!!:
Rosie: Once there was a person on, and I met them in the green room before and they were fine, and then they were alone for a half-hour. And when they came out on the show, they had a burn mark on the face from…
Barbara Walters: Freebasing.
Rosie: Yeah. Which was so sad. And during the whole interview — cause it was live TV, like yesterday, all I kept thinking of is “How can you help this kid?"
My guess for who this is about is pictured below. HEY! It could happen!!!
I find this news to be a bit saddening. Although they got married in a rush, I liked Selma Blair and Ahmet Zappa as a couple. They are (were) so cute! US weekly reports that the divorce is final for these two lovebirds. They are dropping like flies these days! However, the article also says that Zappa has been hired by the Jim Henson Company to write the treatment for the film version of FRAGGLE ROCK!
I'm welling up like Britney Spears, y'all! Variety has reported that Eddie Murphy has signed on for BEVERLY HILLS COP 4!!!! Just as I had dreamed about!!! I love love LOVE all three (yes, even, or should I say, ESPECIALLY, the third one) Beverly Hills Cop movies, and now it looks like Christmas is coming early for Girl #1. Detroit is in the movies again! And this time, it won't be because our city closely resembles a post-apocolyptic wasteland!!! I hope Judge Reinhold reprises his role as Billy in the fourth installment. What the hell else is he doing?
Gamers are getting even crazier! You thought it was crazy that people were waiting in line for days to be the first to buy the new Nintendo Wii. You were kicking yourself when you saw that these new game systems are now going for thousands of dollars on ebay. But now, gaming frustration has reached its boiling point, as gamers are breaking their tv's with the new controller. Apparently, Zelda is just getting too heavy, man. The frustration of not being able to "level up" is too much and people are taking their rage out on their tv's. So, not only are they a failure in the gaming world, but now, they can't even watch their anime porn (which you know is about the only other thing that these people do) because they went and busted up their screen. Cool out, gamers. You'll figure out this new controller, yet. I guess the strap is breaking and the controller is just "flying" at the tv, but lets be honest...you know there is quite a bit of rage needed to hurl a small controller hard enough to crack your screen. My brother and I used to throw down like this when we played Battletoads as kids. But, I'm pretty sure I've grown out of the rage that Nintendo used to cause. But, I could be wrong...anyone want to send me a Wii so I can test out this theory?
For more cracked screens and general craziness, go here.
Brit, when I saw your vagina for the 18th time yesterday, I cried too. Here, Britney is seen leaving a club last night. As the tears gently stream down Britney's face, one has to ask themselves, why is Britney so sad???
Is it because she married quite possibly the biggest piece of trash known to man, and said marriage has failed?
Is it because she married quite possibly the second biggest piece of trash known to man before she married K-Fed, and now he wont shut his g.d. trap, blabbing to anyone that will listen, trying to make that last buck before he is completely forgotten?
Is it because she truly is just now realizing how many different angles of her vag we have all seen in the recent days?
Is it because the burning sensation she is now feeling in said vag is due to her recent endeavors with one Paris Hilton?
Is it because she was OH-SO-CLOSE to a comeback that is now fleeting faster than the life of Yellow Wiggle Greg?? (ooooohhhhh...sorry, Wiggles fans...too soon? --I do feel for the Wiggle, look at how intensley all of Australia is mourning for him*:
Maybe that is why Brit is crying too...
Why do YOU think Britney is oh-so-sad? Leave your reasons in the comments!!!!
*Also, to the other members of the Wiggles: if you are looking for a replacement, hit me up. Y'all bitches is PAID!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Alright Lindsay...There are some things you can do. Hanging out with Paris, being a slut, showing your vag...these are all things that I generally do not have a problem with. One thing, however, that you ABSOLUTELY cannot do is SLAUGHTER a Stevie Nicks song. You already did this once on your album, but now, you've come into my world, bitch. TMZ is reporting that Lindsay butchered the song "Edge of Seventeen" at a...
i'm sorry...i need to collect myself here for a second...breathe, Girl #1, breathe...
....KARAOKE BAR! I take Karaoke very, very seriously, and no, i'm not ashamed to admit that. And when some firecrotch busts all up in my jam and tries to sing a song that she DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THE WORDS TO (see the link for a VIDEO of her "performance")...we have a problem.
Please take this as an official challenge, Lohan. Yes. I challenge your bitch ass to a karaoke-off. You can even choose the song, I will waste your ass. I'm not even a good singer, but I will destroy you with my karaoke powers. Trust me, when it comes to Karaoke...I am a force to be reckoned with.
Name the time and place, Lohan. I'll scrounge up some money and make it out to LA if you're too scared to make it to the D. Dear readers, please leave your karaoke favorites in the comments. Just so you know how I roll, I generally like to sing Journey "Don't Stop Believin'", Guns n' Roses "Welcome to the Jungle", or Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice". Pick your poison, Lohan.
Okay, okay, I guess one of us should probably talk about the Paris/Lindsay/Britney saga. On Sunday, x17 captured this video of Lindsay Lohan saying. . .
"[Paris Hilton] hit me last night for no reason, apparently, at my friend's house, and I didn't know she'd be there, and she hit me, and she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me, and it hurts, and it's not okay. I'm not crazy. . . I'm just trying to act."
Monday morning she was seen with Britney and Paris outside the Beverly Hills Hotel and changed her story to:
"Paris never hit me. She's my friend. Everyone lies about everything. ... Please, stop trying to make us hate each other."
Later on monday, Lindsay and Paris got into a large fight at Hyde, Paris screaming at Lindsay..
"You're a fucking coked-out whore; don't ever say you're my friend again!"
And as Paris and Britney headed back to Paris's house after the incident, paparazzi recorded someone who sounds like Paris screaming...
"Tell that Firecrotch she's no longer welcome!"
Sounds pretty much like highschool. Talking shit behind one anothers backs, and then denying it. It gets a little more complicated when cameras are involved. Cameras document things. They records sounds and motion. Being that LiLo is "just trying to act", in films, she should probably know that. I hate even thinking about these three girls, I feel like they make me less intelligent. I also feel like no one should care.
And, oh yeah, Britney's breasts are tremendously lopsided.
This diva with a papi who’s even more demanding than she is, secretly loves the hashish. She and her entourage cruise around the city and smoke a fatty before making appearances. Someone sounds insecurr. FYI, they have valium/xanax/paxil for that girrrrl.
This bff to the starlets is close to being hoed out as nothing but as hillbilly crack dealer. Maybe they saw this video and didn’t feel like the facial abrasions were worth being skinny. Oh here we go, everyone let’s welcome Anna O’Rexia and Beau Lee Mia back! But then again, did they ever really leave?
If you were thinking about gastric bypass, think again. Carnie Wilson is still a fat cuntasaurus and do you really wanna be twinzies with Star Jones or Al Roker? I personally don’t feel I could give up smokingsniffingsnorting anything crushable to be skinny. Even drinking alcohol could make your bowels move more than Metamucil. Eeeeww, I don’t want to end up chewing cigarettes like a certain gastric bypasee.
Page Six reports that the real reason for the dissolution of holy matrimony that was Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson, according to Mr. Rock, was the Pamela was a party girl and dumped her kids on him so she could go out an party.
A source close to Kid said:
"Bob (Kid Rock) rearranged his life for Pamela, he moved from Detroit - something he said he would never do - and moved his son to L.A. to be with her."
The source went on to say:
"Pamela would go out almost every night and end up at [photographer] David LaChapelle's studio, Bob was home alone with the three kids."
Clearly, Pam is in the wrong here. Kid left the lovely shores of Detroit to be with her and all she could do was treat him like a nanny! All this crap about the Borat movie breaking them up is BS. Kid Rock may be trash, but he's not that stupid, and when you marry Pamela Anderson, the Borat movie is the least of your worries. I would say #1 worry would be catching a venereal disease, and #2 might be her boobs knocking you out during sex. I don't care what all y'all haters say, I am on Kid Rock's side, simply because he is from (near) our fair city of Detroit. Plus, I don't want him to break a beer bottle over my head in case I see him at the bar. He's coming back, y'all!
In other news, If you want to hear Britney/Paris/Lohan drama, you are going to have to wait until Girl #2 or The Gay get online to detail the sagas of the day. Those bitches exhaust me.
Sofia Coppola and Phoenix frontman Thomas Mars welcomed a baby girl, Romy, on Tuesday in Paris. I hope they have another girl and name her Michelle. Unfortunately for all of us, this means that Coppola will probably return to directing sooner than we had all hoped.
I really feel like some people should just be legally allowed to do certain things. Snoop Dogg is one of those people, and the thing he should be legally allowed to do...is drugs. Arresting him is not going to stop him, but unfortunately, the LAPD feels differently. TMZ reports that Snoop was picked up for possession of cocaine, pot, and firearms. When do the police decide they are going to arrest Snoop Dogg? Clearly he has drugs and guns on him ALWAYS, so why isn't he arrested every day? Do they have a calendar at the police station with a circle on random dates throughout the month? "Oh Shit guys! It's Tuesday! Time to arrest Snoop again!" Leave him alone, fuzz!
Page Six is claiming Pamela Anderson filed for divorce from Kid Rock because of his "male insecurity and major anger issues" with the last straw being when he blew up at her during a screening of Borat at Universal Studio chief Ron Meyer's Beverly Hills house two weeks ago. A friend of Pamela says:
"It was the first time Bob had seen the movie, and, well, he didn't like it." The hugely popular film shows Sasha Baron Cohen - in character as Borat Sagdiyev - falling in love with Anderson after seeing her in a "Baywatch" rerun, then driving across America in order to propose marriage to her. "Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' - in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing. Pam thought he could have a sense of humor about the movie. She was in on the gag from the very beginning and loved doing the movie. And on the eve of what was supposed to be a very positive thing, he made it an awful night. Ever since that night, it has been icicles between them. Bob is just a very unhappy and angry man. Pam is very disenchanted and sad. You know, there are reasons why she never married him before. Those reasons disappeared while they were together on a boat in St. Tropez, but she knows now that they never went away. The reality is he is an insecure, angry man. Pam is just very happy to not be in the same house with so much passive-aggressive hostility in it."
How incredibly stupid of Kid Rock. This is Pam Anderson we're talking about. How could her minuscule role in BORAT piss him off when her filmography includes Barb Wire?
This poster reads like a low budget bondage porn.
Or what about this film, Snapdragon, in which she actually plays a prostitute?...
Two men have already been killed during intercourse by a prostitute. The young Sargent Peckham is transferred from vice to homicide squad for the investigation. She asks her boyfriend, police psychologist David Stratton, for an analysis. Shortly after he's introduced to amnesia patient Felicity, a stunningly beautiful blonde. She tells him of her nightmares, in which she kills her lovers. But since he's got a crush on her, he doesn't draw a connection to Peg's case... not yet.
Or how about the fact that every third person with internet access has seen Tommy Lee's ENORMOUS COCK entering her?
None of this bothers him, but a burlap sack over her head is "humiliating".
Oh, the frustrations of human stupidity.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I guess people are saying Kirsten Dunst is pregnant, because a source said she was “wearing baggy clothing, ordering big boxes of sweet chocolaty treats, and overheard complaining of lower back pain and nausea during filming” on the set of Spiderman. Ummm... maybe she's just attracting lesbian vampires. Or maybe she's discovered what most women love most, chocolate and complaining.
“This pelt-wearing party girl is all animal skin and bones,” notes the animal rights group. “She’s an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match.”
Ashley Olsen is the runner-up. “Wearing fur does add 20 pounds,” PETA says, “but if Ashley wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead.”
“Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria also made the worst dressed list. Opines PETA: “You’d think she’d be more sympathetic to the plight of rabbits considering the way she screws around like one on Wisteria Lane.”
Oooooo! Snap! Peta is punny! Whatever the f*** ever. I just shoved a 6 oz. "Garbage Burger" down my throat, so I guess I can't really fault Richie for wearing fur, even though it looks like she's wearing roadkill. I can however, fault both Ashley and Nicole for not eating enough. I do in fact have a "black girl's booty", a real black man told me so! (Thanks, burgers!)
Demi and Ashton at a Lakers game. How long have they been together? Whatever. I still think its jacked that she'll be 70 when he's 50*. He'll be at some sort of sexual prime and she'll be all dried up. Yuck.
Oh and here's Warren Beatty critiquing some Laker Girl boobies.
*I did not have the time, nor the energy to look up their ages and do the math. Deal with it.
The cherry popping celebrity for this weekly topic is none other than the most playa hated female in the game—Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham. Every website I read is calling her a nastytrashysleazyfreakyclassless skinny bitch who needs to quit the plastic surgery and eat somethin’, ANYTHING.
But that’s only because they envious. I’m lettin’ you know right now, I’d cut some bitches to be her. Just because it’s her job to ride David Beckham’s most likely gorgeous pole, everything looks good on her (she’s got the same dimensions as a mannequin), and she can sorta sing, doesn’t mean you can call her names and make fun of her protruding bones. Don’t Hate, Appreciate.
The fact that she’s not American, most American’s only know her as that bitch spice that always wore the black minidress. Remember folks, you should never judge a book by it’s cover. Just watch these and tell me she ain’t got what it takes to steam roll over the being that is ParisHiltonLindsayLohanNicoleRichie. Like for real though, even the DIIIIIIIIVVVAAAA, Miss Knowles covered a Vicki Beckham track (Resentment). And Posh deserves three snaps in z formation for being a skinny bitch. Her protruding bones were the only shielding that protected her from the scientologic cosmic radiation that she obviously was subjected to while chillaxin' with the human being formerly known as Katie Holmes.
The December 2006 issue of Blender Magazine arrived at my house the other day (my roommate has a subscription, stop judging her) and inside is quite possibly one of the greatest pieces of journalism in years. A guide on how to grow a Fu Manchu from none other than the Ying Yang Twins. This article is so great, that I am going to take the time to transcribe it, and even highlight a few of my favorite parts. Happy Tuesday!
From Left: D-Roc and Kaine
Grow a Fu Manchu
Confucius say: Gnarly facial hair, like that sported by the atlanta-based crunk stars Ying Yang Twins, get you many compliment
By: Steve Kandell
Photograph by: Jeff Minton
1) Get Inspired.
D-Roc: "Living up to our whole 'Ying Yang' name, I'm rocking the Asian look right now. I wanted something different, and it's a fashion statement: The Fu Manchu is saying, 'Ying Yang is in this thang'. It takes a year to grow the mustache fully down to your chest, so it's not for someone who's impatient."
2) Get Some Help.
"Right now I've got extentions to help the hair grow out faster. Find a salon, call around and see who do it. In Atlanta, there's Niche's. They'll match the extentions to your hair color. Then you gotta tease it to keep it straight. Good extentions cost maybe a couple hundred dollars."
3) Get Creative.
"You can do a lot with a Fu Manchu--you can twist the ends up, you can get the beard dreaded. It's no-holds-barred,whatever you like, and it's a good way to do something different than everyone else. Sometimes I'll put on my Chinese lantern hat and I be like the EA Sports slogan: in the game."
4) Get Another Opinion.
Kaine: "I got my own kind of beard goin' on, I don't need no Fu Manchu mustache. But they're all right, they remind me of channel 69 at home in Atlanta and all the kung fu movies we used to watch. My brother D-Roc is the more upbeat one, I'm a little more quiet: ying and yang. So the look works for him."
Oh my god. Am I the only one that sees the brilliance? Dude has got EXTENTIONS in his MUSTACHE! Pretty hard core, ying yang. I'll stick with Wu Tang for my asian inspired hip hop, thanks.
and you...and you...and YOU...you're gonna love...apparently Beyonce, and ONLY Beyonce. Miss Knowles is all heated because Jennifer Hudson, a worthless, kicked off idol nobody, is raining on her diva parade by garnering more buzz for her upcoming role in Dreamgirls. Beyonce, don't you DARE ruin this for me!!! It is hard for me to recall another movie I've been this excited about. Say what you will, I will be there opening night, with a box of kleenex, Titanic style. I'll be the annoying one clapping and cheering at all the triumphant moments, and sobbing like a jackass through all the sad parts. I'm so excited and I hope Jennifer Hudson really steals the show as it is rumored to be. Beyonce, maybe you need to take another "tokey-tokey" as I hear you like to and cool out a bit...you've got millions and fame and fortune already. It's ok to share the spotlight a bit.
Here's the trailer, if you've been living in a cave for the past year and have not heard about this movie just yet.
One last thing...I'm also extremely excited to see Eddie Murphy not dressed up as a fatty and making an ass out of himself. Eddie, I always knew you could do better than that and that you weren't washed up. Now make Beverly Hills Cop 4 (Detroit-What!) and we'll be cool.
Tom Cruise reportedly wore a girdle under his Armani Suit at his wedding because he is a fatty and ate too much. Cruise claims to be a "nervous eater" and that is why he packed on the pounds before the big date. I wonder if he clothes-pinned extra fat back from his fatty neck too. Anyone got those pictures? More importantly, how does Katie Holmes feel about all of this? I'd be pissed if I worked my ass off to lose the baby weight before the wedding and my husband just threw on a girdle. Girl could have just put on some SPANX and called it a day.
The discontent look on young Hilary Duff's face speaks volumes, as it is announced that she and her (i use this word in the most loosely way possible) "rocker" boyfriend call it quits .
Fret not, dear readers, when one love fails, another (that you equally care less about) emerges, as Derek Jeter and Jessica Biel make out in Vegas. I know Jessica Biel is hot or whatever, but I just don't get why people care about her...she's basically only famous for dat ass, and while I am jealous, I don't think it's worth being famous for. Also, I never cared about Jeter because I hate the Yankees. Discuss.
And in obvious news, Brit flashes her vag to the world AGAIN!. BRITNEY...KFED IS GONNA GET YOUR G.D. KIDS IF YOU KEEP SHOWING YOUR HOO-HA TO THE WORLD. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, SOMEONE BUY THIS GIRL SOME PANTIES. Brit, open a paypal account and I'll personally deposit underwear money in it. Even though you is richer than me, and there is absolutely no reason for me to give you money, and no excuse for you not to wear something that covers your vag, I will donate to a worthy cause.
Awwwww snap! This morning after logging in to our Myspace account I was greeted by a lovely new blog entry from none other than Nicole Richie! I'll paste the blog entry below, just in case the high wears off and she deletes her blog, like she generally is known to do...
What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?
HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup..."
Now, I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out that she is talking about her recently fired publisist Rachel Zoe (you had me at raisin face?)...One thing that I do appreciate about Nicole Richie is that she has very little shame, and will dish out all the drama in the public eye. Keep it coming girl! But seriously, how many pieces (notice the correct spelling, Nicole) of asparagus do you order for dinner? 3.5? Plus asparagus makes your pee smell funny...but it does taste like a dream!
Dearest Larry Rudolph,
As a loyal fan and constant defender of Miss Britney Jean Spears, since she asked us to “hit her one more time,” it is YOU I blame for the messymessica years in Brit Brit’s career. Sure she was making you millions, but you can push child slaves for so long before they kick you in the balls. She fired your ass because of this (or maybe because you broke Mama Spears’ heart). Honestly, Britney danced and lipsynched so much, she didn’t even have a clue who she was. Can you explain to us who the hell Mona Lisa is? All I knows is she was definetly forgettable and is probably bumpin’ uglies with Chris Gaines. And don’t even get me started on Kevin Federline, I might have to take off my earrings and Vaseline my hair back, I get so heated about it.
Anywayz, now that you’ve returned to steer the intergalactic spaceship known as Britney, I’ll give you some snaps for giving the public just a bump of Britness and all we want now are bigger lines of B than what Whitney usually sniffs. Like our drugs, we want pure Britney. This whole strategy of making her cool and trendy by hanging out with Paris Hilton and Co. is like cutting our shizzle with drain cleaner. Like for real, who’s career has skyrocketed by hanging out with Paris? Nicole regressed back to a toddler and her head was 30% bigger than her body. Lindsay Lohan is so sketched out she’s making up words (here) and showing her poonani like its the cats meow or something. Even her bff blogger is getting served papers.
HELL TO THE NO
Let’s reverse-reverse and take it back to the time Britney was so hot, she made everyone at the party sweat balls. The public loved her, why?:
1. She was the hottest poptart. X-Tina was too dirrty and Jessica Simpson didn’t know about proactive yet.
2. Britney was always the main attraction—even Madonna used her for one of her many reincarnations into the minds of the public. No one even cared about Christina kissing Madonna, because it’s sooo typical for dirrty girls to kiss other girls.
3. She was something to everyone—
a. Homos wanted to be her because she was so much like them. We all like to slut around in lowrise jeans, short tops (even the fat ones), blow Justin/Colin/Wade, and we all totally think we can sing just like she does.
b. Vaginas—see above.
c. Hetero Males liked her because her videos were better for nocturnal, mostly manual emissions than Girls Gone Wild or Playboy. Porn, they had to look at Ron Jeremy. Sick.
Britney never really took herself seriously. That’s why she was on top for so long, people made something out of nothing and got Britney and loved it, loved it, loved it. The game really has not changed much, the scene is as Britney left it. DON'T try to fix what wasn’t broke. Don’t give us a Fergilicious track or a Back2Basics album…DO give us what would have been after “In The Zone.”
Hugs and High Fives (heteros don’t like gay kisses),