Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving!

Don't forget to eat a big breakfast, you'll be able to eat more at dinner if you do. Also, don't drink too many bloody mary's during the football game. You're embarassing when you're drunk.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Lindsay Lohan never recieved an eduacation.

In response to the death of famed film director Robert Altman on Monday, Lindsay Lohan - who costarred in his film A Prairie Home Companion - released this statement yesterday.

"I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.

If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..

Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.

The point is, he made a difference.

He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

So every day when you wake up.

Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.

The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have.

When we shouldn't..... '

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,


Lindsay Lohan

uhhhhhhh.... I don't know where to start. Spelling and grammar have clearly escaped Lohan, as well as coherent thought... ummm.. uhhh... "12st book". Luckily, I was a student assistant in high school, so I've had experience decoding the senseless ramblings of many a teenage girl (that I have nothing in common with, okay???). I think she's trying to say something about like... wait, wait. No. She isn't saying anything. It's sad that she doesn't have a dad or an education, but she really didn't need to release a statement about the death of a man she wasn't even related to, stealing Altman's actual daughter's and granddaughter's (if he had any) thunder. Overall, I give her essay a C-, for effort.

and ADEQUITE? What is this word? Is it new? OOOOOOOH! She's been hanging around Beyonce! "ADEQUITE" is the new "bootylicious"! They'll be adding it to dictionaries and encyclopedia's soon. Or maybe she was trying to say "adequate".

God bless, peace and love always,



The Yellow Arrow of Shame...


Paris Hilton puked on stage.

Joshua Radin (who?) witnessed the incident...
Paris Hilton …was sitting next to me the whole night. Seriously, next to me, like our legs were touching for a good 5 hours. Now don’t get the wrong idea. She never once said hello, nor even looked in my direction. Five hours. And it was unreal to watch. She must have pulled a compact out of her bag every 6 minutes to stare at herself and pose while Jay-Z was performing 18 inches from us.
“Paris, who had been swilling straight vodka from [a] Grey Goose bottle for hours, gets up on stage, has the people in charge throw her ‘record’ on the house stereo for her to lip sync two of her songs.She gets up on the stage, pukes, leaves. . . I find the music business charming.

Why does this guy seem like he's bragging? A shit-faced walking venereal disease wouldn't even acknowledge his presence. She bones Stavros the Ogre on a regular basis, and she won't even look at him. This guy should be embarrassed.

Britney's looking for a new place to live.

Apparently, she is selling the Malibu home she shared with Kevin for 13.5 million, and her budget for a home in the Miami area is $29 million. Britney is rumored to have a gig in Las Vegas to help her pay that rather large bill. Hopefully she will have an entire wing for her hair and make-up crew in the new mans, I just want her look like she did last night every single day. Is that so much to ask??

Girl #1's top 5 moments from the AMA's

I love award shows!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE any and all award shows. Even if ABC was airing an award show highlighting only the marginally talented, I would watch every minute of it...

Last night, ABC aired an award show highlighting the marginally talented, the American Music Awards. I watched the show, in its entirety, and here are the top 5 moments...

#5) Sharon Stone's nipples:

Wow. Them nipples were like lawn darts. I thought they were going to come through the TV and poke both of my eyes out. You can tell by the look on Christian Slater's face that he was thinking the same thing. I'm really glad that Sharon Stone stands by what she believes in. Classy, Sharon.

#4) Nelly Furtado's performance

Most artists choose to have a track playing in the background while the artist sings live. Not Nelly -- oh no, she's going to have an actual guy singing "Fickey Fickey" instead of having a pre-recorded track or a DJ to provide the actual "Fickey's". While I do love a good "Fickey Fickey" now and again, this was a bit ridiculous. I don't expect you to watch the entire video unless you are a gluton for punishment, as this song blows ass. But please, make it to at least 1:13 in, so you can see the genius of the "Fickeys".

#3) William Shatner and Sarah Silverman Present

Completely and Totally Shat-tastic! If anyone has the video of this, please send it my way. They were totally cute, and I am usually really annoyed by her. Plus, I just like to use the phrase Shat-anything.

#2)Jamie Foxx's family

In a way, Im kind of glad that there are not pictures of this I am still a bit shaken up by the sight of his family. If you saw this last night, I KNOW you are thinking the same thing. What in the world was going on there? Jamie Foxx arrived to the AMA's with his entire family, including his "biological" mother (he pointed that out). He sang a song about how successful and great he is, but also about how sad he is that his dead grandma isn't there to see his success. How do you think that makes your freakshow of a family feel, Foxx? They are all there to support you, and all you can talk about is your dead grandma? What a dick...

#1) All the sluts.

When the pussycat dolls did their song and dance, I thought..."Now THAT'S what I call Slutty (Volume 10)"...but there were so many sluts to choose from, I don't know who to give the ultimate slut award to...

After much consideration, the #1 slut of the night goes to...

The stripper during the Akon and Snoop Performance. Obvious?...maybe. True?...Absolutely. She's a g.d. stripper!

And there you have it! Some other notable moments of the evening were: John Mayer doucheing it up during the pre-show interview with Ryan Seacrest, Gwen Stefani's awful performance (or maybe I just hate that song and all the yodeling that goes with it), Jay-Z having Dude dancers while Snoop Dogg brought sluts a-plenty, Josh Groban's face, and my first experience hearing/seeing Fall Out Boy and the comfort that followed knowing that my uninformed hatred for that band and all of its members was warranted.

Kate Moss draws a white powdery line

Pete Doherty has been given an ultimatum by Kate Moss to lay off the boozin' and the usin' or he'll be snorting lines all alone. Personally, I do not think that this is fair at all. So, Kate Moss just wakes up one day and has had enough? After partaking in all of the same drug-fueled binges with Doherty, now she is ready to retire? Just like that? Isn't that like waking up and deciding that you don't need AIR anymore???...

And what will happen to Wolfman and The General, Pete's friends who "took care of him" (read: shoveled drugs into his body when he was passed out and could not do it on his own)? I highly doubt Wolfman and The General will be down for a game of scrabble with drug-free Kate and Doherty.

Kate, you and your man are better all coked up, just like Britney will always be better trashy. Don't deny who you are.

Brit/KFed out...Screech IN!

I know its early, but I can pretty much guarantee that this is the worst thing you will hear all day. After a long wait, the Screech sex tape, "Screeched", is now available. I guess Dustin Diamond finally figured out that making stupid t-shirts was not going to pay off his house, so he tried a business endeavor that I think we all have entertained during rough times...crapping on some chicks face. Sick. Read all about the porn here if you want...

My new favorite book, by my very favorite actress.

Those of you who know me well, know that I love Amy Sedaris.
And now I love her new book, "I like you, Hospitality Under the Influence"

I love her, she's hysterical, this book is hysterical. Here's a review that pretty much sums it up...
"Sedaris's sidesplitting guide to throwing parties hopes to return readers to the times when the word entertainment was "charmingly old-fashioned, like courtship or back alley abortions." While her tongue is firmly in cheek, novice party-planners will actually find some helpful hints along the way as Sedaris offers instructions and real recipes. Her tips run the gamut from how to properly freeze meatballs (freeze them on a cookie sheet before putting them into a freezer bag so they won't stick together) and deal with the inebriated ("Better to cut them off rather than pretend it's not happening and then allow them to stay over and wet your bed"). She's a generous but crafty hostess ("A good trick is to fill your medicine cabinet with marbles. Nothing announces a nosey guest better than an avalanche of marbles hitting a porcelain sink"). Etiquette pointers include inappropriate introductions ("This is Barbara, she can't have children") and things to avoid saying to the grieving ("Did she smoke?" "Was he drinking?" "Where were you when this happened?"). Her advice is both practical and hilarious; her instructions on removing vomit stains ends with "or just toss it, chances are you've stained it before." Sedaris's first solo effort (after Wigfield with her Strangers with Candy co-stars, as well as several plays with her brother, David) is an outrageous and deadpan delight, greatly enhanced by her deliriously kitschy illustrations and photos."
-Publishers Weekly (July 17, 2006) - starred review

I loooooove her. Love this book. Love the hilarious photographs. (There's a picture of her smoking out of a bong. Right next to that photograph is a list of her favorite munchies.) If you want to hear more about the book, go here.

Grandma Nelly

Told you so.

Joe Schmo

Ashlee and her CREEPY dad. Blech. Yuck. Ick. Gag. She looks pretty though.

The Pussycat Whores


I guess "Buttons" is a pretty sweet song, though. Even though I just can't imagine a straight man who would want to loosen up the red-headed trannie's buttons. Blech.

Meanwhile, Captain Jamie Foxx scratches his balls.
And, Ms. Richie's tits hang low...Maybe firing Zoe wasn't such a good idea?

Gwen Stefani goes fug.

No, Gwen.
No, no, no.
No to the dress shorts/romper.
No to the bangs that accent your horse teeth.
Just no.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Aww... look at our girl!

Britney was a presenter at the American Music Awards, I didn't watch it, but now I wish I had. She looks phenomenal. Maybe she took my advice and called Ken?

Dear B,
Thatta girl!
I just breathed a huuuuge sigh of relief.
Thank you so much, love,
Girl #2

Stavros Niarchos isn't even close to attractive.

I guess I could write about how Stavros never deserved Mary-Kate. He's only okay for Paris Hilton and poor girls, I mean, I'd hit that if he spent a lot of money on me (and no that doesn't make me a prostitute, it just makes me shallow). But I'm just going to say that Stavros looks like. . .

Answer honestly, are you relieved or disappointed?

I am relieved. I have seen enough of these two on tape, I really don't need to add Kfed and Brit boning to the list of mental images I'm trying to erase...

Kfed's lawyer issued the following statement regarding the existence of a sex tape:

"While this is endemic of countless false and inaccurate stories that have made their way into the media regarding Kevin, his marriage to Britney, and the divorce proceedings which they are presently going through, I want to put this issue to rest once and for all. There is not a sex video of Kevin and Britney in existence. It goes without saying that the stories of Kevin attempting to sell such a video are patently false and anyone who reports that they have information of such attempts is either lying or reporting the lie of someone else,"'re telling me that they taped virtually EVERY OTHER MOMENT OF THEIR LIVES...EVEN THIS , but for some reason they were responsible enough not to tape themselves doing it? Riiiiiight.


Robert Altman, it's been real.

Director Robert Altman has passed away. Altman directed M*A*S*H, Gosford Park, and most recently A Prairie Home Companion.

Edward Norton has more money than you

IMDB reports that Edward Norton is working toward banning gift baskets given to celebrities at award ceremonies. The story states:

"Actor Edward Norton is leading a celebrity charge to banish lavishing gift baskets on presenters at top awards shows. The Illusionist star is appalled by the freebies celebrities pick up backstage at events like the Golden Globes and the Oscars, while many people watching the ceremonies at home are struggling to pay the rent and feed their kids. He says, "A lot of us have talked to the Academy Awards producers about this and I think they're actually going to scuttle the gift baskets and that kind of stuff. I mean the gift baskets, worth amounts of money that a low income family could live on for a year, (are given to) people who have so much already. It gets depressing. You sit there, going, 'This is an embarrassment.'"

For real, Edward? Here's a better idea...send them all to me. I'll gladly take every gift basket you gift to me. And furthermore, if the worth of said gift baskets is really around $100,000, I think low income families could live on a gift basket for more than a year...Granted, they would be eating a Krups premium pump espresso machine or a certificate for a free dog training...but they would FEEL like a celebrity!

Somehow I just imagine Edward Norton shaking his head, mumbling about what an embarrassment this is, while he is at the store getting his diamond encrusted watched sized. Edward, give me a job as the head of your gift basket committee. I'll be sure that all the low-income families get all the T-mobile sidekick 3's and the juicy sweatpants their little hearts desire.

Jessica Simpson whores about

Some football player (Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys) is reported to be dating Jessica Simpson. Wow! Jessica Simpson certainly is getting around these days! Now it is off to see who she is really dating!!! I don't know which lucky guy she will choose, but I do know who could care less...Me, along with probably a good portion of the world. I can think of one thing that would make this whole ordeal a bit more interesting... if all the different strands of herpes she will be sure to get from dating sports stars and musicians mutate together to form one version of SUPER-herpes. I then hope that she spreads said SUPER-herpes about hollywood like the plague. Jessica Simpson, I really hope you are listening. I've now voiced TWO christmas wishes to you. I expect to get at least one.


Maybe...but Kramer is KKKrazy

Above you will find Michael Richard's apology for his tirade this weekend at the Laugh Factory, which aired on Letterman last night. While I respect the fact that he went on air to apologize, he managed to call black people "afro-americans" and talk about how upset they were about Katrina (i didn't know that blacks were the only ones upset by this). I'm sorry, but simply stating that your act just got taken way too far is not an acceptable excuse for what took place, and it is clear that the majority of the Letterman audience did not even see the original tape as they laughed at everything Richard's said until Jerry Seinfeld stepped in and told them to shut their traps. Watching this apology did not make me feel any better, if anything I'm scared that I'm going to see Kramer running through the streets naked yelling at anyone who's "different" on tonight's evening news. Dude is one step away from a straight jacket. Although, I was sad that Letterman cut him off before he was able to explain where "the rage comes from". I've often found myself wondering the same thing when the "afro-american" policeman who pulls me over doesn't believe my crying and I start dropping N-bombs and talking about hanging people upside down from trees.

Every one's a little bit racist.

Meh, he's a comedian. I think the audience took it the wrong way, not that there was really a right way to take it, racism really isn't funny. But it sort of brings up the question, how much is too much? If he had dropped the n-bomb once or twice it wouldn't have been such an issue, but his repetetive use of the word was well... unnessecary. I do think, however, that Micheal Richards isn't racist, and he just crossed a line from comedy into offensive behavior.

What's strange about all of this is that I haven't even come close to letting Mel Gibson off the hook. Maybe it's because I love Seinfeld, or maybe it's because Mel Gibson really hates Jews.

Val Kilmer to play Shrek on Broadway.

When did he turn into an ogre?
Where is my Ice Man?
He could've been my wingman any time.
And now he looks like he could be friends with my dad.

Jessica and Ashlee

Aw, Jessica and Ashlee.
They look... sloppy,
But I still love Jessica (I don't care what you say, Blog counterparts, and hey "Daughters" is a great song!), I mean, the last time my sister and I went out together I was wearing an oversized sweatshirt from Sears Essentials and pigtails. So, I guess I can forgive and forget. Especially since Ashlee seems to really have her shit together. Hey, maybe Jess should get a new nose?

Monday, November 20, 2006

Sweet Jesus, help her.

This is so exhausting.
One second I'm literally standing on my couch, jumping up and down while watching you on David Letterman.
Then, I'm pumping my fists in the air as I hear the news of your divorce.
Laughing my ass off at that Much Music video of Kevin getting the news via text message.
And now what?
A nappy weave, Britney?
Hanging out with Paris Hilton, Britney?
Taking your pants off in public WHILE hanging out with Paris Hilton, Britney?
Wearing a TIE during this debauchle?
You were doing so good before all of this.
I am groveling now.
Dump the walking venereal disease.
Call Ken Paves. His weaves look tres chic.
with so much love,
Girl # 2

Casino Royale Movie Review

James Bond has made a pretty amazing come back, in my opinion. Pierce Brosnan's replacement, Daniel Craig, is everything that Pierce wasn't; exciting, unusual, human (oh yeah, and INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE). He brings so much dimension to the role of James Bond. You may go into the theatre expecting just another action flick, and it may start out that way, but it's so much more. It's about the growth of Bond, from rugged hit man, to sleek sophisticated double-0. Eva Green is subtle, which is refreshing for the role of a Bond girl. In fact, the entire movie was refreshing. It's well directed, smart, and some how the puns actually made the audience laugh! Go see it. Immediately. Stop letting penguins beat Bond in the box office.


Homeboy, You look skeletal.
And I know that I haven't said kind words about you in the past,
but this comes out of a place of love. . .
Sandwiches only cost about three dollars.
-Girl #2

p.s. I hear B is giving away your sex tape for free? Ouch!
p.s.s. Team Britney!

Cristina Ricci

So cute, charming, and talented.
At the Deja Vu premiere. That movie looks pretty mediocre.

Nelly Furtado: Growing Ugly

Here's Nelly at the Canadian Football League's 94th Grey Cup. Boring. I'm sure all the Canadian football fans were going crazy while this old hag sang her half of "Promiscuous Girl". Wait... Canadian football? You learn something new every day.

It just seems like yesterday that Nelly was young and hot...

But now...

How do I put this lightly?
I guess I can't.
Bitch looks a mess.

This is what faking it looks like

It's comforting to know that the crazy Scientology minister was able to take a break from his Xenu rambling to take this photo. Seriously, this entire ordeal reminds me of old-hollywood. All the gays had fake marriages and lead secret lives--man those were the days! A special thanks goes out to Mr. and Mrs. TomKat for bringing us all back one gigantic leap.

Listen, they both is gay, the marriage is a sham, and Suri is a cyborg. You heard it here first!

J-Lo is also greedy

Wow. Happy J-Lo Monday! Bitch is all over the news. Us Weekly is reporting that J-Lo was acting like a Diva at the TomKat Wedding this weekend. J-Lo sent her assistant to save seats on the private jet that flew the stars to the wedding of the Willenium, kinda like me and my trash friends did at the opening night screening of Borat. Reports also state that J-Lo *gasp* DRESSED UP for a casual dinner, and called out for a doggie bag at 2:30 in the morning.

Personally, I don't think she was acting like a diva. I would be doing the same thing, only I would bring the biggest purse I had to the wedding and would be shoveling stuff into it like Perez Hilton at a promo party. Flowers, tablecloths, pork chops, you name it, I would have taken it. I say, way to go J-Lo, no wonder you are getting a porn made in your honor!

j-lo is a slut

Page Six reports that J-Lo will join the ranks of Britney Spears (whose complicated and deep life story was immortalized in the adult film series; Britney Rears) in having her life used as a muse for the adult film industry. For all of you who are excited for the upcoming "J-Ho: Jenny on the Cock", please let me remind you that you can see J-Lo's boobs in the hit film Money Train .

Cost to purchase "J-Ho: Jenny on the Cock": $49.99 (porn ain't cheap, y'all)
Cost to purchase "Money Train": i don't know..probably .99 on ebay right now

Choose your poison...but remember, them boobies will never be the same now that Marc Anthony's fug has been all over them.

Know of any other good celebrity porn spoofs? Got any ideas of your own? Leave them in the comments!