Dearest Larry Rudolph,
As a loyal fan and constant defender of Miss Britney Jean Spears, since she asked us to “hit her one more time,” it is YOU I blame for the messymessica years in Brit Brit’s career. Sure she was making you millions, but you can push child slaves for so long before they kick you in the balls. She fired your ass because of this (or maybe because you broke Mama Spears’ heart). Honestly, Britney danced and lipsynched so much, she didn’t even have a clue who she was. Can you explain to us who the hell Mona Lisa is? All I knows is she was definetly forgettable and is probably bumpin’ uglies with Chris Gaines. And don’t even get me started on Kevin Federline, I might have to take off my earrings and Vaseline my hair back, I get so heated about it.
Anywayz, now that you’ve returned to steer the intergalactic spaceship known as Britney, I’ll give you some snaps for giving the public just a bump of Britness and all we want now are bigger lines of B than what Whitney usually sniffs. Like our drugs, we want pure Britney. This whole strategy of making her cool and trendy by hanging out with Paris Hilton and Co. is like cutting our shizzle with drain cleaner. Like for real, who’s career has skyrocketed by hanging out with Paris? Nicole regressed back to a toddler and her head was 30% bigger than her body. Lindsay Lohan is so sketched out she’s making up words (here) and showing her poonani like its the cats meow or something. Even her bff blogger is getting served papers.
HELL TO THE NO
Let’s reverse-reverse and take it back to the time Britney was so hot, she made everyone at the party sweat balls. The public loved her, why?:
1. She was the hottest poptart. X-Tina was too dirrty and Jessica Simpson didn’t know about proactive yet.
2. Britney was always the main attraction—even Madonna used her for one of her many reincarnations into the minds of the public. No one even cared about Christina kissing Madonna, because it’s sooo typical for dirrty girls to kiss other girls.
3. She was something to everyone—
a. Homos wanted to be her because she was so much like them. We all like to slut around in lowrise jeans, short tops (even the fat ones), blow Justin/Colin/Wade, and we all totally think we can sing just like she does.
b. Vaginas—see above.
c. Hetero Males liked her because her videos were better for nocturnal, mostly manual emissions than Girls Gone Wild or Playboy. Porn, they had to look at Ron Jeremy. Sick.
Britney never really took herself seriously. That’s why she was on top for so long, people made something out of nothing and got Britney and loved it, loved it, loved it. The game really has not changed much, the scene is as Britney left it. DON'T try to fix what wasn’t broke. Don’t give us a Fergilicious track or a Back2Basics album…DO give us what would have been after “In The Zone.”
Hugs and High Fives (heteros don’t like gay kisses),